Scars 9/26/12

Just like a road map
Telling the story of my mistakes
I try to let it go
But it never really escapes

You look at someone like me
And what you see brings disgust
Nothing but a filthy addict
Someone you know better than to trust

You believe my scars show you
Who I am, where I've been
Shooting up and breaking down
My monster waking up again

What you see are the outward scars
Not the ones I really hide
Those are buried
Deep inside

Just like a novel
I've written on my skin
Of my hurt,
Of my sins
Of my dissolusionment

Friendship & Other Lies 9/24/12

A saying that I'm particularly fond of goes something like this...
"A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart...
And who can sing it back to you, when you've forgotten the words..."

So this goes out to you
The ones that turned your backs
The ones that helped the heart ache grow
Into an inferno of hate
The ones who showed me
Just how broken
My give-a-shit
Really is

Perhaps if just one of you
Just one
Had come to my aid
When I'd really needed you
I wouldn't feel the way I do now
About you

You take a person like me
Yes, I got high
Yes, I shot up
Yes, I destroyed everything
And everyone around me
But I don't deny my past
I confront it
I believe in full disclosure
Not like you do...

How is what you do any better?
You get high on yourself
You shoot up on your belief that you're
   better than I am
You really see yourself as something
Somehow better
Because mine was a physical drug
Yours just happens to be a secret
You don't try to hide

But you forget...
I was there when you fell as well
I remember everything
Every bit of your disgrace

Yes me,
This bitch with a filthy mouth
With a filthy past
Who's apparently no fucking good
In your eyes...

Was always there for you

Sundays Revelations 9/23/2012

So here I sit.
Thinking about you
As I do every single moment
Of every single day.

Missing you both with
Every fiber of my being
With the ferocity that
Only a mother can feel

Had my inadequacies
Thrown in my face today
One more time
Had reiterated what a
Piece of shit you all
Consider me

One day
You'll all see
How wrong you were
How wrong you always were
To believe the worst
In what you thought was me

But that was the me
That you knew then
The one that
Let you think whatever
Just to shut you up

But I'm not that girl
Not now, and not then
But I'm done with you believing
That you'll get what you want
Out of the old me
By showing you, at last
The me I finally found

Little Girl Gone... 9/22/2012 (Explicit-Rape)

Yours is a memory
I've tried time and again
To rip out of my soul
To tear it out of my head
But it still burns...

I've only just started dealing
With the aftermath
Of your inability to understand
That what you two did to me
Has helped shape me
Into the empty, crazy bitch
You see today

I was only a child
Innocent at the time
One crack from your bottle
And I was on the ground
When I came to
I was innocent
No more

You'd ripped my shorts
In your haste to get
To what you coveted
You ripped me apart
In every way you could
And passed me off
To the friend you had
Helping to hold me down
Waiting his turn
He was just as violent
Almost a frantic fuck

And I just laid there
Covered in blood, semen, and tears
Pretending I was somewhere else
Pretending I was someone else
Someone who didn't just lose her
Innocence to two drunks
Who'd caught her unaware.

Unaware that there were men
In this already fucked up world
Who feel they can take
Whatever they want
And never pay the price

I didn't make a sound
How I've hated myself
For being a coward
For believing they would make good
On their promise that if I just
Kept my mouth shut
They'd let me go home
They'd let me be a little girl again

But they lied...

I'm a big girl now
Grown up without the things
They ripped out of me
The normal things...
Like self-esteem
Like self-respect
Like even a half formed
Ounce of give a shit
About the feelings of people
Who'd rip the innocence out
Of a girl just passing by
Of a girl who thought she was safe
But you showed her
Safe was a relative term
Not something real anymore

I always felt that I was broken
That there was something
Inherently wrong with me
But I no longer believe it
I believe that when you
Tore away my innocence
You started the cracks
That were bound to shatter
Under the pressure I applied
All by myself...

And it didn't take much
To anhilate me
Just a few violent, painful thrusts
That started the avalanche
That became my life
That became my normal
That made it okay to me
To make myself numb
To stop living a life at all
To only just exist
To stop feeling anything

Anything but the rage you
Deposited in my soul
About the same time
You deposited yourself
In any entry point you could
Force your way inside of
And ripped away my innocence
With every grunt of pleasure
While inside I was
Screaming in pain
In rage
In memory
Of the little girl that was
Who would never be again

Redemption 9/21/2012

I’ll begin by saying that I’m done
Being numb
I’ve been slowly awakening from 
This nightmare 
I call life

It hurts so much
That you won’t see me
That you won’t speak to me
That you won’t let me ease the ache
In my chest, In my heart
This void
That engulfs me 
Since you’ve turned away

I remember your first moment of life
The first breath you took
The first time you opened your 
Kalidascope eyes
And stared straight into
My soul, 
Straight into 
My heart

I did this baby, 
No one else made me
Mess up everything 
You loved 
And no one else 
Feels this loss 
Like you do
Like I do

I want so badly
To take you and run away
So that we can fix us
But I know that you’re not ready

I swear baby
I’m done being a failure
I’m done being someone you
Can’t respect
I’m done with the drugs
That took me to places 
I never wanted to see in the first place
That took me 
From you

I did this
And it’s time for the un-doing
Because I’ve been un-done by this
I feel like I’ve been 
Verbally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically
Anihilated

And I’m tired of knowing
All the things you’ve been told 
That were lies 
I want to show you
The mom you never had the chance
To know

I miss you more than 
ANYTHING in this life
I’m not asking for forgiveness
I’m begging for redemption

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My Newest Fear 9/19/2012

I always thought I knew
What it is to fear...
But I'm learning
A whole new type
Of terror.

I've already lost
Everyone
Everything
Every ounce
Of pride
Of hope

So why did you
Have to come along
And show me
All the things
I fear

I'm so afraid of losing
These feelings
You've evoked
You've reawakened
You've pulled out
Of the darkest parts
Of me...

I didn't see you coming
I really didn't expect
Thought my heart was
Dead and shattered

But you pulled out
The pieces
And you're showing me
That even though
It will never be
The way it used to be
It's still in there...

I wasn't expecting you
But God I'm so glad
You came along
I'm always afraid
Of falling...

And you terrify me
Because I think...
I hope
I pray
That you'll catch me
When I do

Falling 9/18/2012 (explicit-Rape)

So I'm falling

Down the rabbit hole

Trying not to land 

Face down

Staring down my past

With a new 

Ferocity

A tiny ray

Of hope

That maybe someday

Somehow,

I'll find the me

I'm supposed to be

The girl you can 

Be proud of

Just maybe

Just maybe

I'll become the someone

Who will show you all

What rage does 

What hate creates 

Inside the shell of a woman

You all looked over

And found wanting...

I'm no longer 

Your scapegoat

The one you use 

As an example of 

What happens 

When you lose 

All hope

All faith

When you finally lose

Your mind

So I'm falling down this

Rabbit hole

Refusing to land

Face down

I'll finally fill the 

Emptiness 

That your scathing superiority 

Left chewed out 

Spread naked 

On the ground

Bleeding,

Begging

Fearing the raw intent

Pouring out of you eyes

With every thrust

You violate my 

Soul

You couldn't take enough

I remember standing

Holding my cloths together

Afraid to stand and run

Afraid to hope that

It was all a nightmare

With every step. 

Every ounce of blood

Every hurt I felt

Every thought of revenge

I kept my silence....

But no more

No more

I'm a child 

No more

I was innocent

But no more

For You 9/18/2012

They say you can't teach
An old dog new tricks
So all this newness 
Is really messing 
With this bitch...

Homelessness, restlessness
Inability to feel
Anything
But you're waking me up

Foreign words
Others take for granted
You're showing me
What it is 
To be me.

How?
You've woken me up
You're showing me 
What my world 
Should have been
But never was
Never would be

I'm terrified
To let you know
You've woken up 
My shattered heart
You've taken all my 
Insecurities 
You've thrown them
To the wind

And now my fear grows
I've lost everything 
That's ever mattered to me
And I think that now
Now that I'd like to show you
How much I've begun to feel
That I'll lose you as well

Because you matter...
More than you know.
You've taken root 
In my soul

For you alone
I'm wide open
Wide awake

For you...

You 9/14/2012

You've given me something
Something I haven't found in years
Something I forgot how to feel
Something I thought I'd lost

You've shown me things
Things that part of me fears
Things like acceptance

Filthy 9/14/2012

What the fuck is wrong with you?
Where do you get off?
Thinking that I exist
Only to let you get your rocks off

The path to my heart
Doesn't begin in my pussy
It starts a lot higher up
But you weren't looking for my heart
Were you?


I've heard it said
Time and again
That I'm nothing but a filthy slut
Because you don't see the rage
I bury deep down


It's people like you
That make me laugh
You think you're something, someone unique
Like you're an unforgettable piece yourself
But you can't fuck your way out

But here's the change up

I am a filthy bitch
But not the way you think
I can let you have your pleasure
But I'd rather bring you pain

My All 09/12/2012

So many voices
I hear you
I feel you
You become a part of me
And I give my all

So many choices
I beat you
I bleed you 
But never 
Never believe you

So many bruises
So much blood
So much anguish
And I give it all 

And to you
I give my all
To you 
I give my all

When It All Falls Apart

Who do you turn to?
When no one even remembers your name?
Who do you turn to?
When all the fight’s gone out of your game?
The pain inside just never ends,
 nothing matters,
 no one can.
When all you crave comes much too late, 
 when not even god will try to relate. 
This is the monster that I live to hide,
 and no one cares that it’s there inside.
When you push so hard you start to bleed,
 then you’ll know what’s inside of me.
How can you tell me you know how it feels,
 when you’ve never lived inside my skin.
How can you tell me you know how it is,
 when the thought of touching the ones you love make you want to cringe.
I invite you to step inside my hell. 
To take a step away from your safe little shell. 
And when you finally understand how I feel inside, 
You won’t ask yourself why I want to die.
My guts are twisted into knots,
 my skin crawling away. 
This is the monster that 
I live to hide and no one cares
 that it’s there inside.

You Asked...

Tired
I've been up too long.
Sitting here staring at a screen
Looking for meaning
In a meaningless world
Calm
I'm calmly plotting
My next fuckup
My unbelievable belief
That what I know to be true
Has just undergone
A dramatic change
Lies
How can you even
Look me in the face?
When everything you
Ever stood for
Was nothing
But lip service.
Honor
As far as I'm concerned
You lack honor
Your complete lack
Of imagination
Of staying power
Endings
Thank you
For getting out
For running scared
From responsibility
From the truth
Why am I writing all this?
You asked...Or maybe that was me...

Empty

There’s nothing really in here.
Just an empty woman trying to refill
Trying to regain, 
Trying to remain…
Sorta lost my footing here….
Fucked up an floundering…
Unable to find my own way.
Trying not to take the easy 
Way just one more time.
You never really saw me
You never cared to look inside
Your innocent insults
Weren't something you could hide.
So where does someone like me go.
When everything else is gone.
Afraid to show what’s really in here…
Afraid to find out that I’m really
Just empty…

Momma's Rage

She stands there.
So much anger inside of her that
She knows is going to boil over
She knows
She knows when momma's mad,
She knows when momma's sad,
She knows when momma's anger
Her hate, is going to hurt her bad.
The first slap means nothing,
Just suprise upon her face.
Then the second blow is landed
But by then she already knows
She knows that momma loves her
She knows that she must have done wrong
She knows that when it's said and done,
Momma will hold her all night long.
But somewhere between the first slap
And the child bleeding on the floor.
She just became an object, not a Momma
Not at all.
She stands and watches and wonders why
She can't get up, She doesn't understand
She's already beyond the pain here,
She's free from Momma's rage.

Too Damn Much

There's too much life out there.
There's so much pain.
Pain that lingers on everyone.
Pain I can't contain.
I'm so damn tired
Tired of playing nice
Tired of always finding the one
Who learns how to play me
Pulling my strings
I'll never be that girl again.
The girl that bends
Sweetly at the waist
And takes it up the ass
You'll never know
Who's really in here
Never see the empty shell
I really thought you'd free
I really thought you'd be
But I, We were too much for you...

The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm as empty as a woman can get.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority, 
Your trigger, my gun
I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something 
I must avoid
I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.
I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.
Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.

NEVER ENOUGH 2009

Where does it end?
I’m so tired of feeling like 
I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and 
I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment… 

You see, in many ways, 
I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….

Where does it end?
This incessant waiting for the day that 
I stop craving. 
The day I finally come back to myself, 
Like a prisoner finally set free. 
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…

I was supposed to matter. 
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about. 
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…

How to other people overcome this? 
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement, 
I just call it cowardice
I’m just afraid of what
I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion… 

Damn it, I wanted to be proud. 
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter, 
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from a drug
I wanted to be their heroine.. 
But all I am is lost.
All I am is me, 
Not enough for anyone…

What's Wrong Here???

So here I sit.
One more night 
Spent alone.
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling like
There's something wrong
Inside me.
Something Broken.
Something living my life
For me.
I sit here alone
With the guilt I 
Carry inside me.
It feels like a living
Breathing thing.
It's like I'm followed
By a snarling, angry beast
That I can't train to 
Behave.
So who do I have to be now?
When everything else has gone
Away?
I just checked the time
And I realized...
It's about half-past
Give a shit.

Unfinished

I'm not whole. 
Not who I thought I was.
I feel like I've been ripped apart
Chewed up and spit out and
Left stuck to the bottom of your boot.
Right where you always wanted me.

I'm dead inside.
I care only for my loved ones.
But even they know.
I'm not really in here.
Inside this shell.
Inside this hell.

I'm wondering...
Will I be able to put the 
Pieces back together?
In time to 
Save myself?

Cuz no one will do it for me.
No one wants to be a part of me...
I'm done with the begging..
I'm done with the pleading.
I'm done revealing just how 
Broken I am inside.
It still feels like there's
Something unfinished.
A apart of all this that
Isn't done.
But I am...

Hiding

When I was a little girl
I used to hide in closets.
Looking for treasures
I had yet to discover.

Years later, I feel like 
I live inside of one.
One that I made 
Just for me
While trying desperately
To find the me I lost
Along the way here...

When I was young
I believed with all my heart
I'd be rescued by my prince
A man who'd love only me
One who wanted only 
My happiness.

Today I know that 
All of my dreams were 
Lies.
Stories I told myself to 
Keep my guts from 
Pouring out of me.
To keep me from learning
The truth about love.
That those you give yourself to
Love you too much, but not enough...

When I was a little girl,
When I was still innocent...
Was I ever innocent?

All the drugs, all the men, all the "love"
That this world has to offer means
Absolutely nothing to me anymore.
Because I feel like I'm just 
Hiding... here in my closet.
So lost in yesterdays and could have beens
That I can't find my way back out.

And there's no one looking for me...
Not anymore.

A Little Religion

I have no faith
I have nothing here inside
I have nothing guiding my steps or
Working behind the scene's to fix
All that I worked so hard to 
Fuck up in the first place.

Some days, I sit here and ask myself
How is it that you are right in your belief
And I am so wrong?
If you are the poster child
For Christianity today,
Count me out.

For someone that is so in touch with the Lord,
You single handedly destroyed any faith I had in me.
With your overzealous criticizm's in the name of 
Yet another broken soul.

I will never understand you.
You never wanted me to be a part of his life
For me...You've killed not one father...
But two.

Dear Momma... (originally written 9/12/12)

Hello Mom, can you hear me?
I’m already on my way…
I’m sorry Daddy 
I know you don’t
Wanna hear the words I’ll say…

I’ve messed it up again…
Just didn’t work out some how…
So here I am 
I’m on my way
I’m ready to lay it out

I guess I’m broken inside
Way deep down where it counts
And nothing I try ever takes the time
And I’m saying please just count me out…

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Going back to where you go 
When you know you can’t go home.

I’ve burned it down 
And now I’m choking on the ashes
Of a life that never made me proud
I guess it’s over…. Count me out.

So hey there mom… I love you so
I’m sorry 
This came much too late
To save me from myself
To save me for myself

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Going back to where you go 
When you know you can’t go home…
When you know you can’t go home…

Depressed

They say that I’m depressed. They say that inside of me 
I’m wrong 
I’m broken
I’m bruised
And they wonder why.

They put me in the spotlight
They say look at her
While they hide their knuckles
Behind their backs 

Their words are double intended
While their lies 
Drip sweetly 
From their lips

Where Do They Go?

Where do dreams go
When they don't come to fruitiion?
Do they stay teathered to you
Like demon's that haunt you
In the night...


They claw at me like 
A rabid beast
Alive inside me trying 
To tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I already hold 
Inside...


I've never been very good 
At puzzles... and I...
The glue isn't holding me
Together anymore...

Momma's Little Failure

All my life I've had this secret dream
That one day I'd be able to come to you
And say "look, see the success I've become."
And you'd look at me with tears in your eyes
And tell me that you're proud of me.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not such a disappointment
To you.

What you said to me still haunts the 
Hell out of me.
Throwing those words out there that 
You can't take back
And you walked away with my heart 
Stuck to the bottom of your shoe 

It will take time
But I'll get there...
I'll find a way to make my 
Life into something.
And when I do
Don't bother with the words
I know I'll never hear from you.
They won't mean a thing to me

Not anymore.

Hello? God? Are You There???

I'm a paper doll.
I'm ripping at the seams...
Trying desperately to 
Pull together
All the pieces 
I've lost
Along the way...

I say hello... 
And hear the 
Screaming 
In the silence...
Of the dial tone...

Call Me by Shinedown... My Jilly

"Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able
to say I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend
I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst 
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, 
you healed my Heart
and my life...
And you know I try
Call me a sinner, call me a saint 
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way 

Your Insanity 09/08/2012

How do you do it?
Become so self important?
Become so self absorbed
That you can hand me
Back my heart
With the pieces still crumbling
Off of your fingertips

When can I escape
Your madness
Your insanity
Your psychotic ability
To make me care for you
More than myself
More than the soul
You've claimed
For your own

Could You... 09/08/2012

Trying to avoid you
And then I try to run
But you're buried in my head
You're burning in my blood

I can never escape this circus
This game of where I belong
This farce of who I am
Pretending I am strong

So I'm done acting
I'm done being afraid
I'm tearing out the ribbons 
Of the life that I once led

I've bared my soul to you
I've watched you chew it up
Spit it out
I've handed you my heart 
And watched you crush it 
Under your boot
Watched you dig it in like garbage
As you turned to walk away

So I'm done pretending
That I'm okay with this
I'm throwing off the bondage
Of who I used to be

I no longer give a fuck
If you see the darker side of me
I can't help if you see, 
What life has made of me
I can't wait to introduce you
To the me I don't understand myself

I'm still searching for the pieces
To the puzzle of my mind
Could you be the one 
To accept my insecurities
To drag me out of hell

Tragic Truth

Tragic Truth
Five Finger Death Punch

I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle
Running from a man I swore I'd never be
No one ever has to face tomorrow
But I'm the one that has to face me

It's the demons
I've created for myself
The tragic truth
It's hard for me
To understand myself
So it has to be Hell
For you

Are we born to be broken, sinners and thieves
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape (you)
This is not what I wanted, not what I need
Tear it all, tear it all, rip it all away

I can't say the Devil made me do it
I chose to be the one I am, the way I am today
Wish there was, but there's no way around it
In the end I made the choice and will not
Die ashamed

It's the voices screaming in my head
The tragic truth
It's hard for me
To understand myself
So it has to be
Hard as hell for you

(3x)
Are we born to be broken, sinners and thieves
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape (you)
This is not what I wanted, not what I need
Tear it all, tear it all, rip it all away

Facebook Moment... 09/08/2012

"Thinking of you, wherever you are.
We pray for our sorrows to end,
and hope that our hearts will blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows;
starting a new journey may not so hard
or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds,
but they share the same sky-
one sky, one destiny." -Kingdom Hearts.

Written on my daughter Jillian's page... 
I miss you so much baby
I see you as a little girl...
All curls and sweetness...
I have ruined everything
Your innocence and my own