Mistake? 4/30/13

Once again, a

Mistake made

This one

Partially rectified

But unable to mend it...

Unable to cross the chasm

Of hurt my actions have

Once again caused

So it looks like I need to 

Get on my big girl panties

And buckle the fuck up

Because it's time to take 

The mistake

And begin building

My own bridge

Into tomorrow

And I'm ready

To fight for me

This time...

Ready to fight for 

My children

Ready to show you all

Just how bitter

This abandonment 

That I began

But you have extended

Can taste

Waiting... 4/29/13

Waiting....
Awake and wondering
If tomorrow will bring
Serenity or
Insanity
I'm so tired of waiting on
Tomorrow
Patience is a virtue
I absolutely lack
And at this moment
I am dangling by my
Fingertips
On tenterhooks
For the green light
Or the new hole
I have to claw my way
Out of
Again...
Waiting

For you

Unrequited... 4/28/13

So where do I belong now
Where do I call home
Tell me what tomorrow brings
When I'm lost again
Alone

Tired of being vilified
Sick to death of all the lies
Show me what tomorrow brings
Cuz I can't seem to see the light

Unrequited
Somehow lost
Unrequited
What love was there
Now gone...

Unrequited...

Never believed in heaven
But I've lived half a life in hell
Never thought I'd be that close
To shedding this fucking shell

And now I stand here alone
Naked in the dark
Afraid of what tomorrow will bring
So to whom do I atone

Unrequited
Somehow lost
Unrequited
What love was there
Now gone...

Unrequited

Standing here
Bare and bleeding
Tomorrow will be too late
To say all I need to say
So to hell with what tomorrow brings
Today is all I have
And even today
May be to late...

Unrequited
Unafraid
Unrequited
Unashamed
Unrequited
Unrequited
Unrequited

Lesson Learned... 4/17/13

I have learned a few things
Along my broken road
But the most prevalent it seems
Is simply this:

Trust no one
Believe in nothing
And perhaps
You'll make it out alive
Just once
Perhaps just one
God forsaken moment
On this journey
You'll find serenity
But never count on it

Just another in a long line
Of dreams I'm waking up from
And realizing
I was only dreaming
Inside of the nightmare

One more time tonight..
Lesson learned

Half-Life... 4/17/13

Nothing
I know nothing
More important
Than this choice
I must make

And I must
Make it
Alone
And do what's
"Right"
Whatever that means

But I know
That I can no longer live
This way...
Feeling like I'm living
Only a half life
Where emotion
Is absent

Trying to give
Your heart
And finding
That the heart
You handed
Is returned
In pieces

Dear God.. Prayer Unanswered Again... 4/15/13

If there were things
In this world
Like a loving God
You would be back
Where you belong
In my arms
Holding tightly
Instead of those of
Another
You would be able
To cry with me
Instead of
About me
And those
Who's bitterness
Has kept us apart
Would allow this to die
The bitter death
They've so craved
To inflict upon me
If there were such thing
As a loving God...

Remorseless... 4/15/13

It's done
This game of playing nice
This feeling that I have to
Shield myself and others
To the harshness
I feel inside...

So I'm becoming remorseless
Relentless
In my pursuit
To shake off the need
To mince my words
And show you the
Vicious bitch
I am now

Time to unleash
My viperous tongue

Broken Life... 4/15/13

The life I have led
Until this moment
Has been so broken
So desolate
So unrelentingly
Vicious
That I'm afraid
That if I take even
One more
Step in your direction
I'll break you
Along with
Myself
And I don't believe
I could take that kind
Of agony
So I sit here
Trying desperately
To resort to my
Past weapons of
Self preservation
Distance
Separation
And I'm finding myself
Unable to put up those walls
Against your sweet invasion
Your tender assault
I want to be whole for you
And I'm just not
I want to be the woman
You see
But I know myself only
As filthy and unworthy
Of such beauty
I have led a broken life
And I don't want to
Break yours as well
With my flagrant inability
To heal these wounds...

It seems I love you too much
And not enough
All in the single breath it takes
To find myself
Unable to piece myself
Together
Too much to let go
But not enough to let go
Of this eviscerating fear
Inside of me
To take that step
Toward
The un-breaking

Glacier 4/15/13

How many times
Can a heart break
Before it finally kills
How much pain
Can be endured
Before you shatter
Under the agony
Of defeat...
Thought I was beginning
Finally
To see my way ahead
Until you
Came into my life

And now I just feel
Cold
Like I'm frozen in winter
While you all move on into
Spring
Held solidly encased in
Ice that I've allowed to
Permeate my heart
Or what's left of it
After all that's been said
And all that's been done
I'm safe inside this
Glacier
Terrified to let it melt
Any more than I already
Have under the heat
Of your love

Sick...4/13/13

Getting so sick of

The mess I've made

Sick inside

Sick at heart

Sick at being unable

To see my own way

Forward

Anymore

Sick at seeing pain

Behind her eyes

Pain

That very nearly 

Mirrors my own

Sick of the knowing 

Sick of the feelings

Sick of just about everything

That should matter.

Because all I seem to do 

Is hurt those I love the most

My Playground... 4/12/13

The rage inside me
At this moment
Is bringing out
A side of me
That hasn't been seen
In quite a while
The vindictive, evil
Unrelenting cunt
That will stoop to
The level you have
Brought me to
With a vicious
Retaliation
That will so ravage
The world you are seeking
To obtain
That you will absolutely see
The depths of the hell
You've challenged me
To introduce you to

So welcome to
My menagerie
My  coup-d-gras
The place I've reserved
Especially for
Those stupid enough
To walk onto
My playground...

Along Comes A Spider.... 4/10/13

I feel like I'm drowning..
Like the tide has pulled me under
And I'm taking my last gasp of air
Before the waves close over my head

It's so funny how life throws you
Curve balls...
Especially when you think you've
Finally gotten it right...
Like you're finally where you should be
And then
And then...

Along comes a spider...
Weaving his web of wonder
Of all that you crave
And of course...
If I try to reach...
I'll find myself falling
Because this web is just
Out of my reach..
Just as I always believed
It would be...

Because nothing good
Can last for me...
Because nothing that good
Could ever have been meant
For someone like me...
Someone so broken inside
So shattered..

I'm not meant for this...
I feel like a walking
Vial of pain...
That I inflict on all those
Who dare to love me...
Until I came
Face to face
With this spider...
Who I have dared to love
But who terrifies me...

Because if I give all...
If I give all that is required...
I know
I always know
That my vial of pain
Is just waiting to
Find it's next victim...

Sam's Light 4/10/13

As I read the words in front of me
I feel a gut wrenching need
To act
To do something
To make a difference
To know that these words I write
This road I've walked
The good and bad choices
I've made
Have not been in vain...
That someone out there
Will read them
Will know them
Will find peace
Knowing that they're not alone
Knowing that I have hurt
As they have
And that perhaps my pain
Could make a difference
For someone else...

And then I read the words
Of a child I remember
Now a young woman
Who has shared the same pain
As I
And all I feel is rage
All I feel is bitterness
At a world that would allow
Such a light as she possesses
To have endured
Such degradation

And I applaud your bravery
For speaking out...
For being the catalyst
For someone like you
Someone who may be suffering
As you have
Because your words,
Your pain
Could be the beacon
That lights the way
For another lost soul...

All my love to you Sam...
And to those of you who read my words
Please, take a moment
To read hers...
  http://alicescry.blogspot.com/

Yearning 4/4/13

I see you
A picture of perfection
A moment of searing agony
The sweet oblivion
Of you...
The words I want to say
At war with the bluntness
Of my tongue
I'm unable to say
All I want to say
Without revealing
My yearning
For another moment
And yet another...
And another still...

Letters to My Rapist 32... 4/2/13

I can not describe the agony
And the desperate need to help
I feel in this moment....
When I am faced
With your pain
With your story
With your unrelenting
Agony with what you
Have lived
Having only just reached
Your teen years
After surviving what you have

And living on...

Can't grasp the reason behind
Why an adult would force
Himself on a young girl
I can't wrap my head around
What comes over a man
When he sees a young boy
Or a young girl
And feels desire for said child....

And I damn well don't ever want to

Because I'm on the other side
Of this fence...
Right beside you
I've been that young girl...
I've been the one who was
Ripped apart inside
When two men decided
I was ripe for the taking...
That raped away my innocence
That raped away my childhood...
That took away any goodness
And replaced it
With their sweat
Their semen
Their spit
Their venom...

And I survived as well...

And this is why
I believe I'm still here
Why I was allowed to survive
Why I was put in your path
To help you
To help me
To begin to heal
Together...

And I am here
Waiting
Wanting
To begin

Butterfly 4/2/13

She sees them on the window sill
Buried deep in their cocoon's
Wonders how they lived before
Wonders if they could feel her
Admiring them, their ability
To hide from the world
To hide from life

She watches them
As they slowly emerge
These beautiful creatures
Untouched by the horrors
She lived in the night
So full of envy
As she watches them
Fly away
Away from the pain
Away from the agony of
Her hell

Wonders if she'll ever
Be that pretty
Wonders if she'll ever be that free
One day when she's older
When she can run from him
From the pain these walls
Contain
One day when she's able
To come out of her cocoon
When she can spread her wings
Too long kept in darkness
Beauty too long hidden
Free to fly
Into the light

To Christopher... 4/1/13

So this goes out to you...
Knowing that within these words
Pours oceans of love
And best wishes...

But it is time to fly
To take flight into the unknown
To bundle up the past
Fold it neatly and put it aside
To shake out and examine at a later time
Now... Now my love....
It's time to fly
To your future...
To your destiny...

Know that you go with a part of my heart
So deeply inside you that it'll never be shaken loose
That the memory of all you are
And all you have done for me
Is a part of the me you always believed possible
I couldn't have gotten this far
Without you...
So know this...
Whenever you need me
I will be there for you
Always...

Time to fly my friend
Into the unknown...
With my light
Always a beacon
Should you ever feel the need
To return home....

Whore 4/1/13

I laugh at you
Because all you see
When you look at me
Is a whore
A slut
An easy lay
A fuck-n-forget
Kinda girl...
And while you contemplate
Your imagined conquest with me
I sit here
And I laugh
At your stupidity...
It takes a whole lot more
Than words
To get inside me baby...
A whole lot more...
So keep dreaming....

Away... 4/1/13

What kind of monster
Have I become?
What kind of torture
Can I inflict upon myself
And those I love today?
I feel like a damn fool
For believing that you're
Better off without me...
That you're not missing me
As much as I'm missing you
Silently
So as not to alert anyone else
To your hurts...
I just can't stay away anymore
Believing that I'll hurt you worse
In the long run by having you
In my life is just bullshit
If it hurts you as much as it
Hurts me to stay away,
How could it hurt any worse if we
Were together...
Somebody tell me that
I'm so sick of being away from you
So sick of just hearing stories
I want to be able to create our own
I'm just tired of being away from you
Away from us
Away from a world where reality
Makes some sense...
Where we're together