Pause 5/31/13

Sometimes, 

When I'm out driving mostly

I hear songs come on the radio

That remind me of you

I remember so much about 

How much you mean to me

But I also remember the betrayal I felt

That I still feel

At your inability to trust

That I have changed

That I'm not the person I once was

And I know I should just get over it

That you'd like it if I just forgot about it

And moved on 

Like it never happened

But I can't do it

I can't get past the sting

Of this wound

Perhaps you aren't able to understand

Just why this has affected me 

As much as it has

And I don't know how to make you see

How much damage has been done

From this

But it has opened my eyes

To just how fragile 

My hope is

To ever allowing myself

The luxury of trusting 

Because I see things now 

That I either didn't see before

Or I deliberately chose to overlook 

Things that give me pause

Things that I know that

I need to work on in me

If I'm ever going to be able 

To move past this hurt

Sonnet XVII - Pablo Neruda

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz

Or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved, 

In secret between the shadow and the soul

I love you as the plant that never blooms

But carries itself in the light of hidden flowers

Thanks to your love, a certain solid fragrance

Risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body

I love you without knowing how, 

Or from when, or from where 

I love you straightforwardly,

Without complexities or pride

I love you because I know 

No other way than this:

Where I does not exist, nor you

So close that your hand on my chest is my hand

So close that your eyes close as I fall asleep

~ So I don't usually post the works of others, but this poem strikes me so deeply and so profoundly that I needed to share it's beauty... Thanks for indulging me! ~

In This Moment 5/20/13

If I saw you
Right this moment
Face to face
Heart to heart
If I were able
To reach out
To have you
In my arms
I'd hold you so tight
So close
I'd feel your
Heart
Beating inside of you
Right next to my own

Burning Bridges 5/20/13

I've lit the fire
And I've burned them all
The bridges back to a life
I never should have claimed
Seems like an inferno
Raging inside of me
Because there are things
I can't change
Wounds I can't heal
Promises I've broken
And people that will
Continue to hate the me
I was then
But as I read the serenity prayer
About the things I can not change
I know I need to move beyond
The pain I caused others
And the rage and shame I still carry

So I've lit the fire
To eradicate my past
From my future endeavors
And I pray
That no one
Was standing on the bridge
When I lit the blaze

Runaway... 5/18/13

It has become my custom of late...
My first instinct
To run
When the going gets rough
Or too good to be meant
For someone like me...
To forget about the big girl panties
Laying dormant in my drawer
And to break out my jogging shoes
And run away
Not to face the inevitable failure
That follows me like a ghost
Chains dragging behind
With each faltering footstep I take
Toward a new life...

While this time,
The old beckons
Like a siren song
Pulling me back
To where I started
In the first place

A first for me
To attempt a new
Beginning
A fresh start
Where once
Lay only ashes
An inferno
Has burst forth

From the embers
Of a mistake
Comes now
The finding
Of a runaway

In Memory... 5/15/13

Jessica,

I remember
How we used to talk about
The silliest things....
Like how we'd make the perfect woman
If God had just made us into one woman
Instead of two...

And remembering this tonight
When I saw your profile on Facebook
Has gotten me thinking....
Perhaps he did...
Fuse us somehow...
Because since the day this world
Lost your light
I have felt you with me
Like the angel on my shoulder
I never had before
I just wish he'd allowed you to stay
Because you had so much life in you
So many dreams...
I remember it all...
I'll always have you Jessica
As a reminder
To make each day matter
To make this life mine
To grab it with both hands
And run like hell
Live like there's no tomorrow
And I carry you with me
Wherever I go...
I love you
I miss you
I always will

In your memory...
Please,
Rest In Peace
07-2012

Resident Junkie... 5/15/13

In the time it takes
For a single breath to pass
Your lips
Everything changed....
Because no matter who I am today
No matter how I've changed
All anyone will ever see
Is the old me
The one under the skin
Where the scars from my
Addiction
Still hide...
Scars that were once again
Flayed open and
Bared to everyone

And once again
I was able to prove myself
For the person I've become
The woman I've fought
So hard to find
The me I've been wanting to be
Instead of the one I once destroyed
But it never seems to matter
Never seems to make a damn bit
Of a difference to anyone
That I was able to prove my
Innocence when I was once again
Blamed, vilified, accused
And vindicated
I am still the broken bitch
Unable to crawl out of her hell
Dirty and bruised from the fall
Instead of the person
I have become

And this is something that
No matter how hard I try
Will continue to happen
Because of my past choices
And I know that I must accept
This reality
Embrace it
Because it will always follow me
No matter what I do
Or how I change...
The moment something comes up missing
You will always blame the
Resident Junkie...
And all I can do is silently
Hand over proof of my innocence
And begin again...
And brace myself
For the next one in line....

Coffee With K... 5/15/13

Driving home just now
From having coffee with an old friend
Someone who was my sister then
In so many ways...

Someone I hurt right along with
Everyone I cared about
Everyone I loved

I'm flooded with memories
Of the crazy things we would do
The times we cried
The times we laughed so hard
We nearly peed ourselves

So much laughter
So many tears

I just wanted to say thank you
For not giving up hope
That I could one day find me
So that I could again find you

Unrepentant Bitch 5/12/13

I do not deny
That I am broken
That I'm not whole
The things that happened
To make me this way
Don't make me ashamed
Don't make me cry out
About the injustice of it all
But by to fucking hell,
They don't make me
Unable to change
Unable to patch up the
Cracks in my armor
Against my darkness
So when you're sitting on your
Pedestal in hell
Don't forget
I'm one unrepentant bitch
And I'll be seeing you there
Soon enough...
Soon enough...

Hard Truths... 5/12/13

So now I guess I know
Exactly where I stand
In the scheme of all of this
In your eyes,
In theirs
In anyone
I thought that mattered
I've finally seen
Just what you all think
When you look at me

And no matter what I do
You'll always find me wanting

Finding that I've just been
Living a lie
Since I came back here
Finding that I only lied to myself
That once again
It's time to separate from
Everything I care about
And strike out on my own path
Because it's been made very clear
You don't want or need me
On yours

Right now I feel as important
As the dirt on the bottom of your shoe
But at least you didn't lie to me
You've finally shown me
Just where I stand...

Right back where I started

Overcome... 5/11/13

I swear,
I have so many emotions
Running rampant in my mind
In this moment
That I'm overcome
With it all

Tired of knowing
That my past won't die
No matter how much I put it behind me
It's always there,
In the minds of everyone I know
That I couldn't possibly
Really change for the better
Because in the minds of everyone
Around me, I'm still a fuck up
I'm still the junkie that will
Never stop using
I'm still the girl you heard about
Not the one you see now...
Not the one you see in front of you
The one who's trying her best
And still...
Fucking still
Gets no credit for what I have
Accomplished...

And I'm overcome with the fact
That I've overcome so damn much
And now it's all of you
Who can't overcome
Who I was...
Long enough to see
Who I've become

Whispers In The Dark 5/11/13

I hear you
In my quiet moments
Whispering
From the darkness
Inside of me
Trying to make me believe
All that I've come to know
All that I've come to love
Is a lie
A vicious
Half-truth
That I'll never
Never
Be free of you
Of who I used to be
Of the darkness I embraced
Like a lover
A blackness that engulfed
Everything I touched
That killed any semblance
Of "right" of "happy"
That made me into someone
I don't want to face
In the mirror
Anymore

So I've filled those quiet moments
With as much life as I can
But I can't bury it completely
I've chosen to try my damnedest
To beat you at your own game
Because I'm tired of feeling like
I'm not whole
Like I'm not worth the happiness
Others are so blessed with
I'm made of stronger stuff than that
And I know it now
With a conviction I've never felt before

Lyndi... 5/7/13

I have such bittersweet thoughts tonight
I am missing you, my Irelynd, so badly
There are so many things I want to say
So many things that I need to atone for
So much time that I've lost
That I can't get back
That I can't make right
No matter how hard I try
I want to be your mother
The mother you deserve
I want to share with you
The fact that you're going to be
A big sister...
Because I'm sure no one's told you yet
That you'll have a baby sister soon
Who I know that you would love
To have a real baby doll
Of your own to love

I know that I've done wrong
That I've messed everything up
But there needs to come a time
When this separation ends
The only reason I haven't been there
Is because of money...
Because I can't pay this stupid fine
That is keeping me from going back
And showing them all
That I have a good life to offer
That I have my shit together
That I'm clean, have been clean
And I am staying that way so that
I can be what you need...

You already have an amazing father
Despite his hatred for me
I can not and will not ever
Talk down about all he has done
He has stepped up and not only made
A good life for you
But he's devoted himself to you
Completely...
And I'm woman enough to admit it

But damned if he can't swallow his pride
And just allow a real visit between you and I
One where you can play and be a kid
Instead of watched and scrutinized
Allowed only an hour a week
To have a real relationship
Time that is spent only in hello's
And heart wrenching separations
That hurt more than help

I know that I can't atone
For all the time I have already lost
But believe me
When the day comes
And you and I are separated no more
We will finally
Finally
Be able to begin healing

And I ache for that day more
And more
Every moment
That we are apart

One Reason Out Of A Hundred... 5/5/13

This pain is unrelenting...
I know it all too well

Today is my little girl's
Fifth birthday
And for the second year now
I am unable
Because of my own actions
And because I can't bear
To put her through the
Hell she went through
Every week at DSS
Only to have one hour
That was spent in glorious hello's
And despondent goodbye's

So when you ask yourself why
I am where I am
Why I want to be here
With you
Why I want to make a life
With you
You won't wonder...

Because I wouldn't wish
This kind of agony
On anyone
Let alone
Someone as wonderful
As you are
Someone who deserves
To have this gift
More than any man
I've ever known

Five Years Ago... 5/5/13

Today is your day
I am praying it finds you
Happy...
That it finds you
Content
That you don't have to sit
And wonder...
Like I do
That you don't have to
Wonder if I'm thinking about you
Because I am...
Every moment
Of every day
You're here with me
In my heart and on my mind
And I'm missing you so badly today
That it burns
I know you'll be having your
Big girl birthday party
Because 5 years ago today
You were placed on my belly
New to this world
Unaware of what would
Transpire
To keep us apart
Just a few years later
I wish more than anything
That I could be there
That I could hold you
That I could give you the gifts
And make today beautiful for you
But if I were to show
If I were to crash
It would only bring pain
And that's the reason I stay away
In the first place
I don't want to hurt you
Any more than I already have

So Happy Birthday Irelynd
I hope you have a wonderful day
With your family
You ARE missed
You ARE loved
And it won't be much longer

Findings... 5/3/13

So it comes to this
I've found where my path
Has been leading me
All along...
And it leads straight
To you..
Straight into your arms
Where I know I'll find
Solace...
Where I find peace
From yesterday's mistakes
From tomorrow's fears
From the darkness I'm trying
So hard to rip out of my soul
I'm finding that I never knew
What I really had in you
Until I lost you
Until I made another of
My famous mistakes
And left
Never realized what a mistake
It would turn out to be...
But I take that as a lesson learned
I take it as a bittersweet
Reminder that I've found
A home with you
No longer will I allow my demons
To taunt me with lies
That I'm not good enough
That I'm not whole enough
That I can't be enough for you....
No longer will I allow my memories
To play games with my heart
To overshadow what is
With what was...
And it took this pain
To bring about
These findings...
And this is one lesson
Although never taught in school...
Has been absorbed and processed
Has been learned

Jealousy 5/02/13

Sometimes,
I see things when I'm
Not really supposed to
I think...

Like the way you looked
At each other...
When you thought I wasn't looking
When you thought you had a moment
For the two of you alone
The way the light
Hit your eyes
And the love shining inside of them
Each for the other
Illuminated the room
In such a soft light
Of emotion
That I was speechless
In awe
And, I admit, I was jealous
Of the depth
I saw there
In all the words that could not
Be spoken
And all the love
That could not be
Fulfilled

Renegade Heart... 5/1/13

And there she sat
Bold and beautiful
So much so
That even the sunlight
Begged permission
To caress her face

And in that moment
Behind her eyelids
The vision she most ached
To view
Began just as the stage lights
Blasted away the darkness....

The Ride... 5/1/13

Hurting so on the inside...
Physically and emotionally
For all that I put you through
For all that I have done
To put us into this mess
I've made...

I thought I'd done right
That walking away was
Somehow better
For the both of us
In the long run
And I found out quickly
How wrong I'd been...

So tonight
When we took this ride
You could have brought me
Back to where I would begin again
Again...
You chose instead
To drive on by...
To take this chance
For tomorrow
For the two and a half of us
Ten weeks shy of three...

A chance I'll never take for granted
A life I'll never question
Again