Ache 8/29/13

I'm sitting here
With you just a few
Steps away from me
And you don't see it
You don't see the turmoil
Inside of me
You don't see
Just how badly
I want to be held
By you
How badly
I want to
Have you reach out
To hold me
How much I ache
To be
Worthy
Of a man
As good
As you

Games 8/29/13

I am not whole
I am not who I am
Supposed to be
For me
For anyone

I am not clean
Not the type of woman
You need
To help make your life
Complete
I will only
Complicate

I am not sane
Not right in places
I need to be

I am surprised by the
Intensity of my confusion
By my inability to make right
My wrongs

But I see myself
Playing this game
Showing you the mask
I've made to shield
The part of me
I can't show

I'm playing the game
But I'm getting lost
Somehow
In this reckoning

Letting Go... 8/29/13

Gathered together in my arms
Like an illusion
Like a beautiful bundle of lies
And broken promises
I hold the memory
Of you
And I breathe in
The scent of your
Disillusionment
And I taste the pain
I've endured
From the loss of you
And I'm filled with
Such bitterness
Because I know
With every breath
You were brought
Into my life
To show me
That it is possible
To crave pain
To yearn for something
I was never meant
To hold...
But I hold this
I hold you
Hands bloodied from
The fight
Fingers straining
To clutch this chance
But knowing
Feeling
I'm about to
Let go

Accepted 8/24/13

So I've found
What I thought was
A feeling
I was supposed to
Only learn
One way
I have learned
How to love....
Without the knowledge
Of what it is
To be loved in return
The way you two
Beautiful women do

To be accepted
Flaws and all
Into the embrace
Of a mother
Born not of blood
But of something
So much more profound

To be bonded to someone
In a way I wasn't sure
I'd ever allow back into
My heart
Because the pain of losing
The love and acceptance
Of a sister
Once nearly undid me

But in these two women
I have found something
I never imagined I'd find

Love
Just plain love
And a love that I
Crave and fear
In the same breath...
One of the sweetest forms
Of torture
Because I don't ever
Plan to lose
The hope you have
Instilled in me

Fourteen Years 8/18/13

Fourteen years ago, on this day

I gave birth to this amazing young woman...

Not a single day passes without my heart

Beating in time with yours my love.

Days may pass...

Precious moments missed

That I will never get back, 

But from the day your light

Entered my world, I have loved you

Every moment

Unconditionally 

Without reservation

And I will continue doing so

Until my last breath

Happy birthday my Jillian

Know that my heart

Is with you always...

Quilted 8/18/13

Sometimes,
My past creeps in
Like a silent stalker
And kicks me in the face
With some glaring truths

First of these
Is this
I won't be free
From it...
Not ever
And even though
I would love to say to you
That I'm okay,
That I'm not broken
That I can be
All that you
Believe I already am
I refuse to lie
To the wonderful
People in my life...
It's like the quilt
You laid so perfectly
On the bed today.
Even one stitch
One moment
Forgotten
And the whole deal
Is skewed
Is able to be
Ripped apart
By the slightest
Pull

So I remember
And I relive
The pain of what was
That's stuffed inside
The hope chest
Inside of me
Like that beautiful quilt
Folded up precisely and
Put away
To make room for the new
But not forgotten
Not erased

Sleepless 8/12/13

It's one of those nights
When my past creeps in
And shatters
My already skewed
Idea of sleep
Of resting
Because it seems
I'm not allowed to
Put these thoughts
These memories
These relentless wounds
To bed
And leave them there
Because I can't face
This darkness
Alone
It seems sleep
Is just another
In my long list
Of illusions
My list of lies
I tell myself
To keep myself
From spilling
My crimson regret
At your feet

Holding On... 8/12/13

 I find myself
Lost sometimes
In this sea of
Dreams
Disguised as promises
Through the loss of
Those beloved
Through the finding
That I am not the
Lost cause I always
Believed myself to be
And finding it all
The moment
You reached out
And placed
Your tiny hand
In mine....

Makes me believe I can
Hold on...

Thoughts of You... 8/12/13

It hasn't been that long
Since I last saw your smile
Since we last spent time
Just being
Just being
And I'm finding myself
Unable to look away
From the darkness
In me
From the loss
Of you
From the rage
I feel sometimes
Because I'll never
Be able
To just be
With you again
The anguish I feel
Toward life
In all it's agony
From knowing
That you're gone
That you've passed
From this life
Into the next
Without me

That you've gone on
To wherever
And now I'm lost
Without your light

I think about you
At the oddest times
When I'm driving down
The highway
Wishing you were
Laughing in the passenger seat
Like today
Like every day
That passes
Without you

Trying To... 8/5/13

With one look
You make the whole world
Just fall away
You ignite a fire in me
A flame I refuse to allow
To weaken or die
Just holding your tiny
Head in the palm of my hand
And seeing you stare up at me
With the wonder and awe in your eyes
That only a child,
As new to this world as you
Can achieve
Makes me see my life
As it was
And makes me move forward
Into a tomorrow that I never believed
I could have.
A tomorrow I didn't believe
I would ever deserve
And I still don't feel
As though I deserve you
But I plan to spend every day
Trying to