Thanks-Fucking-Giving 11/28/13

People just don't get it
Normally I troll facebook
And I don't find anyone
Who gets it...
Until today.
Until I read this:

Lisa M Gordon-Surnear

about an hour ago

Please do not take offense, these are my random thoughts.....I am NOT thankful today by any means. I hate today. I wish I never woke up today. I am not thankful that my dead daughter is a reminder of how much you love your family. I am not thankful that when we sit down to eat I will be staring at an empty chair and probably vomit on my plate. I am not thankful that I cannot hear Shea tell me how much she hates turkey and rather eat Lucky charms. I am not thankful. I am full of hate, anger, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, fear, rage, anguish, and pain. I am not thankful.

Please Lisa, know that
You're not alone
I feel terrible for what you
And your family are going through
Today would have been my Kairi's
First family holiday
And believe me,
I don't want to face it either...
I don't want to face the fact
That with Kairi gone,
I no longer have half the
Family I came to love
Once again...
On the outside looking in
On his beautiful family
I want to beat the shit
Out of something
Anything
Because this pain inside me
Is going to come pouring out
Somehow...
It's days like today
That make you wonder why the hell
They call it Thanksgiving
Because the last thing
I feel today
Is thankful

Punch Line 11/23/13

Tonight, I sit here wondering
If the joke is entirely on me
If the punch line somehow got
Lost in translation
And I'm waiting for a
Conclusion
That isn't coming...

They say I'm strong
They say I can get past this
But I just don't see it
I don't feel strong
I feel very very
Alone
Like this agony isn't
Supposed to end
And it's just a great big
Joke played on and on

So when do I get back
To the beginning...
Where things make sense
Again?
That place between horror
And understanding
Because I feel very
Very far from
Understanding
Right now
I feel full of
Rage
Right now
And I want to know
When this game
Will be played out
When do I just get to be
The punch line

Bad Night 11/22/13

It's happening again
This burning I can't
Extinguish by a few
Off hand remarks about
Time healing this wound
This choking on the million
Bullshit words
That are thrown in
With all the other
Bullshit words
That have been heaped
On top of this wound
Tonight I'm having
A bad moment
Where if I was let off
This self imposed leash
You'd see nothing but
The ashes of the life
I've left behind
So I keep myself
Bound tightly
To her memory
So that I can look
Myself in the mirror
Come morning

With You 11/21/13

Numb inside
Barely breathing
Afraid of the
Heartache that
Ignites the moment
The sun rises
I bury it well
Most of the time
But the moment
The sun dies
The moment
Night falls
The agony rips
Through me so hard
Sometimes I feel my
World just slipping
Away
Right along
With you...

Never 11/11/13

You're never going to love me
The way I do you
You'll never be able to feel
This way for me
Because I fell off my
Pedestal
And I fell hard
Because I couldn't
Give back
The one thing
You always wanted
The one thing
I gave you
That no one else
Could
I couldn't save her
And I know
That deep down
Where you hide
Your heart
You blame me
Because I couldn't
Save our baby
And you don't know
You can't know
The agony I feel
As I lay here
Attempting to sleep
Knowing that she'll
Be there
As I close my eyes
Inviting me to relive
A life I can't have
With all I once held
Dangling from my
Fingertips
So I can lose you all
Again
When I close my eyes
When I see her face
When I lose you
All of you
Every night

Screaming 11/6/13

It's so easy
For some people
To lay down
And sleep
To dream
It seems so easy
For you

And I envy you

Because I lay in bed
And I see her face
Peaceful
As she lay
Motionless
In my arms
And I begin to scream
They come up from
Some secret place
Inside of me
That I'm able to
Hide while I'm awake
But comes out to
Torment me
While dreaming
And I wake to find
My screams are still
Bottled up
Inside of me
Still aching to
Become