Absence... 1/22/14

It's over
All of it...
The needles
The pills
The endless urge
To be absent
From life
The endless aching
To be with her
To find a way to
Escape this pain
Of her loss
Of mine
The welcome oblivion
That comes when
The poison
Surges through me
Making me numb
So that I don't have
To wonder
If she's watching
Because I didn't care
I didn't want to
I didn't want to think
That she's seen it all
I'm tired of
Pushing my soul down
With every stab
Every mark
A benediction
Until today
Until today

I've been so absent
That I didn't realize
That I'd lost myself
Along this road
One more fucking time
And as of today
I'm absent
No longer

Spider & Fly 1/20/14

Have you ever sat
And wished
You could be
A fly on the wall?
That you could
Hear what others
Truly think of you?
If they roll their eyes
When you call
Or if they truly
Are the way they seem...
I sometimes feel
Like that fly
But sometimes
Just sometimes
I feel like the
Spider
Waiting for the fly
To make a move
In my direction
Because I don't know
If I really want to know
Anymore
I'm tired of wanting
Something
I can't have
I'm tired of reaching
For something
That isn't even
Within my grasp
Tired of wishing
When all the hope
Inside of me
Has died
Tired
And waiting
Wishing
The fucking spider
Would just strike
Already

Just For A Laugh.... 1/14/14

Little Bre Muffett
Sat on her Tuffet
Sniffing a bundle of dope (only for rhyming reasons..)
Twas a huge spider fucker
And she called Connie Tucker
Who killed it and sat
For a smoke

Two Red Mittens 1/12/14

I am having a very hard time
Dealing with the loss of my little girl
But see...
She's still with me...
And she has her little ways
To let me know that
She's watching
She's aware of it all.......

***And so the story begins***

Two days ago,
I was sitting in my room
Holding Kairi's picture...
Having one of my moments...
And looking out the front window
At all the snow on the ground
And I started thinking to myself...
That I'd gotten her a snow suit
Two tiny red mittens
Included...
But when I moved
I left it with her daddy
Because the thought that she'd
Never have to see autumn...
She'd never see winter
Was too much for me to
Handle....

I got up and placed
The picture on the bed
And left the room to try to
Get a coffee or use the restroom..
I can't remember which...
And when I returned

Sitting there in the middle of the floor
Was one red mitten...
Tiny..
And I thought.. nah, it couldn't be....
And when I spoke to her father
About it...
He looked in what he has of hers
And there it sat...
Just one red mitten...
One for each of us

She let us know
She's still watching

With two tiny
Red Mittens

The Wacko Speaks... 1/11/14 UPDATED

 **** Sometime Unfortunately... I jump the gun before I have all the facts... and from here on out, I will get my information straight from the source... Thank you Jason for clearing things up and being the proud wonderful father you have always been and continue to be.... I apologize for any misconception on my part....****


There are some pretty fucked up
People in this world...
Myself, I try to surround myself
With people who are supportive
People who try to help me in a
Positive way
Instead of what I just dealt with
This evening...

I've found the answer as to why
Kairi's father decided to stop speaking
With me....
And I'm floored by the fact
That he's so concerned with the
Opinions of other people that he
Decided against keeping a friendship
With me because of his buddies
Uninformed and unwarranted opinion
That someone elses view of what he
Should be doing is more important
Than honoring his daughter's memory

I truly never thought I'd see that from him
I believed he loved his daughter more than he
Cared about what other people thought

Perhaps someday,
When he decides he'd like to honor his child
And have an honest friendship with her mother
As she would want for us, I'll be willing...

And then maybe I won't...
Because this one isn't on me...
Not this time...

So saith the "Wacko"

Childhood Memories... 1/9/14

For some reason
The topic of childhood memories
Came up in conversation today
And now, all day long
I have this one moment
That keeps playing in my mind...

The older sister... being facetious of course
Decided to tell her little sister
That her Barbies came to life
Every time she left the room..
And of course the little sister looked
At her big sister skeptically...
And tried very hard not to believe
The story she'd been told...

Until the afternoon she went with
Their mother shopping and the
Big sister... being a bratty big sister
Decided it was time to play a little
Prank on her little sis....
So she went in and posed every one
Of her little sisters Barbie dolls
All over the room...
Some of them sleeping in the
Barbie mansion
Some driving in the
Barbie Corvette
Some even climbed the book case
And were looking at the books...
And when she was done she left the room
Alive with Barbies....

And then the little sister came home
And she went upstairs....
Big sister just waiting at the bottom
Until she went in and....

Her little sister Screamed her bloody head off
And the big sister tried hard not to laugh...
She ran upstairs and saw her baby sisters face...
The fear and shock on her face made her little joke
Seem like a cruel game...
She'd truly scared her...
Because when she walked into the room
One of the Barbies fell over...
Like she'd gotten caught by the little sister
And she fell down dead....

And the big sister
Feeling like dirt
For upsetting her baby sister
Who yes, could be annoying
And yes, could get her so angry
And yes, who followed her around
Constantly...
Asking her to read
"Tommit the Comet",
A book she truly despised...
Told her the truth of what she'd done
Because of the tears and the fear
In her little sister's eyes...

And now....
Things have changed
So drastically
That nothing will ever
Heal the breach...
But I still remember you
And I still and for always
Will love you
No matter how much
You hate me...

You can't take away
The memories of
Julie and Justice...
Apprentices to the Kingdom
Who worked together
In the kitchen
And the mermaids
That would swim together
In the pool
In the back yard...

Or when I was little
And I got to come to the hospital
To hold my baby sister in my arms
For the first time...
This memory plays quite a bit
Because of the last baby I held
In my arms...
Who I will never hold again...

Just like you...

Gone...
But never
Never
Forgotten

Letter to Kairi Alina McGowan 1/9/14

Pencil Drawing of Kairi (Gift to her Daddy)

My Sweet Angel

     I've been trying so hard.... to make myself closed off from feeling anything... because all I want to feel Is you... In my arms
Where you belong
     Instead I feel cold inside... my womb is just another empty chamber inside this body that has become my tomb...
     It's sad sometimes... how people don't seem to see the rage, the anger and the pain inside me... behind my eyes... this decimation that has become my world... this body nothing but a torture chamber without your sweet weight on me... in me...

     I keep trying to remember you alive in my arms... like the first night I had you home from the hospital... how your Daddy loved to hold you! He held you so tenderly, so gently in his work roughened hands... I will never forget that night... how we both had to fight to sleep because we didn't want to take our eyes off of you... how I couldn't let you lay in your crib so I laid you on my chest...
For the first time...

Memorial Tattoo 

And felt your little body burrow
Into my breast,
To find your sweet spot... the spot that for the first few weeks of your life, you slept so sweetly... because I was afraid to put you down. The reason Mommy got the tattoo done by our friends Charlie & Carrie Bloss (who did such a good job in honor of your memory... Thank you so much Charlie & Carrie!!!) Jason, and I are the only ones who have this tattoo, and the only ones who ever will.  It was placed right on the same spot your little head would rest on me when we laid together at night.... Right above my left breast, where I could bend down and smell the sweet scent of your hair.  This gift was one of the sweetest we were given in your memory.... This footprint was taken from your birth ID card... it was done perfectly... and I am honored to have this beautiful memorial forever on my skin...

Big Sister Jillian & Baby Kairi

     Kairi... do you know that your Daddy and I almost named you Kaileigh?  When I told your big sister Jillian she scrunched up her nose at me and said "come on Mommy, there are way too many of those... I think you should name her Kairi... It means Ocean in Japanese"
And that was it...
Your big sis gave you your name...

Momma with her Sweet Angels

Your sister would come see you and the minute she walked into the house she would put her arms out and tell me, "gimme gimme gimme." How the first time she held you she fell in love with you too, and you two were so sweet together!!!
   

Mommy & Irelynd @ 1 Month Old

You also have another big sister... but circumstances being what they are, you were never able to meet her... and she was never told about you... Her name is Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and it's almost scary how much the two of you look alike! Irelynd's Daddy and I agreed that when Irelynd is a little older and is able to understand... I will be able to see her again, and when that day comes, I will make sure she knows she was a big sister and that she her beautiful baby sister is now her Guardian Angel in heaven that watches over her and loves her even though they never got to meet.

Mommy & Kairi @ 1 Month Old

 
     I can't express how much I miss you baby... Sometimes I think that losing you was the last crack my heart could handle... but life seems to be throwing more stones at my glass house... and the walls are shattering around me.
     I feel very lost without you.  I can't sleep without having nightmares of losing you again and again... so I find that I avoid sleep... until I can't stay awake and pass out from exhaustion.  I am trying so so hard to remember only the good memories...

Kairi Excited to See Her Daddy

     Like how we'd take a blanket and go lay on the lawn in the shade and you would watch the clouds with Momma.  How excited you'd get when we heard you Daddy pull in the yard

    How you named your little stuffed Chihuahua "agee".. and every time I'd change your little hiney you'd stare at "agee" and talk to him... How Daddy would help give you a bath but after he made me be the "bad guy" and put lotion on you and dress you in your little nightgown... oh you hated being naked!!!, and as soon as you were dressed and dry, he'd come take you and sit with you and snuggle you until bedtime.

     There is nothing I have found that helps me with this pain besides being able to talk with your Daddy... but he no longer wants me in his life... I have excepted the fact that everyone I love is probably better off without me in their lives right now.  And knowing that I can't see Irelynd yet... and Jilly is having a hard time seeing me since you've been gone..... and knowing that no matter what I do... How hard I pray.... How much I hurt and bleed and tear my heart apart... I will never hold you again.... I will never have back the peace, the sense of FINALLY being where I belonged... In a home, with our little family... Daddy, Mommy, and Kairi... Sir William, Lady Molly, and Sir Liam the Fearless...  I have lost you all... and now I have never felt this empty and cold inside...

Sir William & Sir Liam the Fearless 

Lady Molly

Our First Family Picture

I don't know how I could have survived if it weren't for your sweet Aunt Connie. Oh Kairi, how she loved you so!!! She was there every step of the way for you and Momma... She was there almost every day you were growing inside me... She was there through every false alarm... She waited and dreamed and loved you before she ever met you. She was the one that stayed by Momma's side as she fought to push you out and into our arms, and she was there when you were born... when they put you on my belly and we got to see you finally for the first time... with tears in her eyes and snapping pictures... she was there with us and she was aching to finally be able to hold her sweet new niece.

The First Picture of Kairi taken by her Sweet Aunt Connie

Kairi at 5 minutes old.. Picture taken by Aunt Connie

Your Aunt Connie and Momma Cindy (Dramma to you baby) have given me more love and more hope that I don't have to do this alone... Without a family to call my own... In my darkest moment... I found a family of my own that embraced us and showed me more love, more acceptance than I'd ever been given.

Momma Cindy (Dramma)

Aunt Connie & Kairi

 

Rii loving Aunt Connie's Chest 

Kairi Alina McGowan's First Big Smile!!! Sweet Sweet Angel!!!

 The night I lost what was left of the life I'd had with you and your Daddy... when I was ready to end my life... to fall away... they wouldn't let me... and the night that Daddy put me out of his life, your Aunt Connie and your Dramma came and gave me a new life... a new home... for you and me... They gave me a place to heal and a family that accepts me and truly loves me for who I am... faults and all... something no one has ever truly done...
   

Mommy & Sweet Angel Kairi

I have lost my sweet Kairi... I can't hold her anymore, nor can I feel her in my arms or hear her baby babble talk... I have lost everything... and in that moment, I was given one of the greatest gifts I'd ever been given... A family that truly loves me, the grieving me... the crazy me... the girl who's truly fucked up everything she's ever done and is still alive and breathing for some reason that I can't even fathom at the present time..

Kairi's Hospital Pictures taken at 1 day old!

My Name... 1/8/14

My name is not
Junkie
Nor is it
Slut
My name is said
In dark corners
Because God forbid
You admit to them all
That you know
That whore
That bitch you
Call in the dark of
Night
When you need release
But where are you
Any of you
When I need to heal
When I need more
Than a furious fuck
When I need someone
To help me heal
Instead of bend me over
And take out your rage
On the body
Of a woman
Without a name

Too Much 1/7/14

I think about you
Wonder how you're doing
Wonder if you ever think about me

I usually begin these musing
The moment I try
And fail
To fall asleep
And so here I am
One more fucking night
Trying to find a way
To pass the hours
In between life and
The stale death
I've allowed
Into my soul

Without you

So I do
I sit here and I wonder
Am I ever on your mind
The way you blaze through mine
Do you ever toss and turn
And miss waking up
On my chest
The way your little
Body would fit perfectly
In my arms
The sweet spot
Behind your ears
I would kiss and
I'd inhale the sweet
Infant sent of you
As you snuggle into me
Until that morning

When I guess I'd loved you
Too much to keep you
Or you were needed
Too much to stay

The Fireplace... 1/7/14

The memories of you play

Like a bittersweet melody
Across the landscape of my
Morose musings...
This shell of a woman
That I have become
Is tired
So tired of being
Unable to change
That it's time to say
To fuck with your normal game
Time to get off my ass
And show you all
Just how far I can climb
After personally demonstrating how
Broken a person can get
When the ones she loved
Left her broken
Alone
It's perfectly okay that I
Can't sleep tonight
Because I see her there
In my room
Sitting on the fireplace mantle
Mocking me
Showing me just where nine months
Of love and hope has ended up
In your urn
Pictures of your beauty
Surrounding the
Piece of marble
That holds your remains
That hold my soul

Dirty Girl 1/6/14

I'm tired
Of playing this game
Of being treated
Like your dirty girl
Like you expect me to jump
And ask you how high
Like I'm only good enough
In shadow
Just because I know
How you like it
When the lights go out
Doesn't mean
I don't have needs
Of my own
I can't seem to cast off this
Fucked up
Version of who
You think I should be
In order to reconcile
Your view with
My own
So for now
I guess I don't mind
Being your dirty girl
Being the one you called
When you needed to
Let your demons out
To play
Because someday
You'll see me
For who I really am
And when you do
You'll understand
Where you fucked up...
And when you do
I won't be around
To be your dirty girl

Letters To Kairi... 1/2/14

Happy New Year baby... I sit here wondering to myself if you like your new home... If you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know that you would be 26 weeks, almost six months old right now had you stayed here with us?  I think about that all the time... How you'd be rolling over and sitting up on your own by now... how long would your hair be? Could momma and Aunt Connie have given you little palm tree pigtails by now?
I would give anything to be able to have had those milestones with you.
I talked to your Daddy tonight and the one thing we agree on the most is that we are just as head-over-heels in love with you weather you're here to hold or our angel in heaven.  You are so loved and so cherished that it took your momma a little while to get her head back on somewhat straight... but I've decided it's time to try and put my life back together.
I still have my moments, when I hold your tiny outfits or I sit with your picture and wonder how heavy you'd be right now.  When I can almost feel your tiny, soft head burrowing into my breast... trying to find your sweet spot so you could fall asleep. You looked so angelic when you slept Kairi... That's why mommy and daddy have our tattoo's right where they are on our chests... just above our hearts... right where you would love to fall asleep... weather on momma's soft chest or daddy's fuzzy one... even when you weren't sleeping anymore that morning... when I held your little body in my arms and realized you'd left us in the night when momma wasn't looking... always our angel... always and forever...
I got some very good advice just a few days ago from someone very special... who made me see that what you see when you look down from heaven isn't what I want you to see.  I don't want you to look at me and feel like it's somehow your fault that I am still in limbo.  I want you to be proud of your mommy... and so I'm getting off this tightrope of emotions I've been walking on.  I'm going to try to make you proud of me my tiny love... I'm going to find some way to make your death matter... Raise SIDS awareness somehow... Find a community of people who have lost their angels as well... Find a way to heal this hole in me the right way for a change.
Because I want to see that sweet smile behind my eyes when I battle for sleep at night.  I want to be able to close my eyes and be with you, see you at six months old... because if I can't have you in life.... I will live for the nights I'm graced with sleep...

I will love you
Always and forever
And I will meet you
In my dreams

Love,
Momma

Until I'm Whole... 1/2/14

Falling somewhat short of reality
No way to compromise
Holding onto my impartiality
While all I do is sacrifice

There are no exceptions
In my new set of rules
Starting now with no deceptions
Breaking free from this sea of fools

I am not the woman that once I was
Trying not to be afraid
Praying these words will be
Written on my soul
Taking two steps forward today
Holding on tightly until I'm whole
Holding tightly til I'm whole...

Epilogue 1/1/14

Jason,

So it looks as if you're going to be able to finish this year out with a bang!  Getting rid of things you don't need, spring cleaning just a bit early I guess.

And I just so happen to be what you're throwing away once again.                          
Do you have any idea what that does to a person?  Making them feel like garbage, especially after everything we've been through this past year.  Two weeks before my 34th birthday, we lost our daughter, and two weeks before your 35th, you're ending the last tether to the woman who loved you just as you are, didn't try to change you or ask you to do much more than pay a bit of attention to me in the evenings after you got outta work, have dinner with me and talk out your day with me... to let me in, which you couldn't or wouldn't do.  The woman who carried your one and only child inside of her in spite of the sickness because I knew how badly you wanted to be a father, the woman that loved, cherished, and felt the same agony and despair that you did when she was taken back to heaven; and the woman who wanted nothing more than to heal with you.  I'm sure you're probably thinking that I set out to get pregnant again right after losing our angel, but you couldn't be more wrong.  I couldn't handle the absolute terror any more than you could have, so think again.  I had/have no intention of trapping you or fucking your pristine world up.  You've asked me before, "what do you want from me", and I'll tell you here... in black and white.
Jason, you gave me things that nobody else could have when we met back in September of 2012.  You gave me peace, security, and a place to heal up a bit from the road I'd been on.  Being with you was truly a God send.  I suffer from no illusions of grandeur... I am well aware it wasn't about love back then.  I'm also not pathetic or ignorant enough to believe that the reason you kept me as long as you did was for anything other than Kairi.  For some reason we were put together.  I foolishly fell in love with you... at first because of the physical end and the peace inside you gave me every time I was in your arms.  I fought it at first, tried not to do just what I did... I gave you my heart and tonight you've given back what's left after it was chewed up, spit out, and shattered upon impact.
Perhaps I deserve this Jason.  I did you wrong... I don't deny that there was an infidelity.  Someone who was telling me all the words of love that I wanted to hear from you and they were just as much bullshit as they would have been if you'd bothered saying them yourself.  I believed we'd worked things out and were moving on with our life together and we concentrated on getting ready for Kairi's birth.
The day she was born I met the Jason I'd only seen glimpses of from behind the wall you've erected around yourself... you let it down and you let her in.
And now... you've bricked yourself back up
To shield yourself from letting yourself
Feel this, heal this, with me...
And so I write our
Epilogue
Because you've pushed me away so fully
There's no going back
But I need to take this last chance

To thank you
To tell you that
The child you gave me
Was a miracle
And with or without you
With or without her

I'll continue to love you
For her
Because she wouldn't want to see this Jason
This disaster we've become...
Someone recently told me my child wouldn't want to look down from heaven and see her momma hurting this badly.. She wouldn't want to think she was the reason my life has become so cold...
So I'm going to do something to make it better... with or without you...
I was praying for with
And find myself without  

Worthy 1/1/14

I am not looking for perfection

I'm not looking for someone to 

Take care of me or someone

To take me into his life...

I want to make one

All my own

And share it

With someone

Worthy of my heart

Someone worthy of my love

Because I'm someone 

Who's heart has been 

Used like a whore and 

Thrown out like garbage... 

I've twisted and skewed

My idea of love

To fit into someone elses

Life... 

But this time...

This time

I'm going to make damn sure

The one I give what's left of it to

Is worthy of me

Not the other way around