Bad Guy 3/19/15

I have always
Taken the blame
For the wrong things
I've done
I'll take the consequences
And deal with the
Aftermath
Of said wrongs
When I do wrong
As most tend to do
I'll tell the truth
And shame the devil

But here
In this instance
If I come clean
If I admit my part
It will hurt someone
I love
So I'll play the
Bad guy
In your
Newly white world
And I'll keep
My lips
Sealed
To the truth

Because playing
The bad guy
Is a role
I know
All
Too
Well

Stasis 3/13/15

I stand here
Overthinking things...
As usual
I bring my bags back inside
I sit down with a cup of coffee
And I allow this feeling
To wash over me...

I've been stood up

Perhaps I'm letting this
Get to me more than I should
But damn it
I haven't felt this way
In a damn long time...
I haven't allowed myself
To hope
That my heart
Could come out
Of it's coma
It's stasis
I put it on the shelf
Beside my baby's ashes
And I haven't allowed
Anyone in
That wasn't already there...
And perhaps it was silly of me
To have allowed myself
The forbidden pleasure
And exquisite pain
Of hope
The childish wishing
Maybe this could be
The beginning of something
I haven't let myself want and
Probably don't deserve

To finding I didn't even
Merit a phone call

My mistake
Was allowing the wanting
To find it's way back inside
My heart
My head
My mistake
Was in making
Something
Out of
Nothing

So I sit here another night
Sucking down my cigarettes
Like I'm giving my hatred head
And allowing this
Bitterness
To flow back
In place of the hope

Dear Daddy 3/1/15

Dear Daddy, 

   I know you won't ever be able to this message.  I know you've left

 this world for the wonders and mysteries that await you in the next life. 

I know you've found out just how wonderful Heaven is and I'm so happy for 

that.  I hope it's everything you had always dreamed it would be and then 

some.  

   I know that you've kept your promise to me Daddy. I know that my 

sweet Kairi is safe in your strong arms that used to pick me up and 

swing me around as a child, and I know she feels just as loved as I 

did.  I have such peace in knowing she is with you, and honestly, 

your promise is what has given me such peace of mind.  I don't 

know where I'd be right now if you hadn't given me that gift before 

you passed. 

   I have peace in my heart now thanks to you, but it doesn't stop me

from missing you.  I know that I won't ever stop wishing I had been 

more of a daughter to you.  A more dutiful daughter.  More active in 

your life.  There is so much about your life that I wasn't privy to and 

I wish I'd made more of an effort to learn more about you.

   I wish I'd made you proud

   Instead of being such a disappointment

   Being such a failure

   But you never made me feel that way.  You never made me feel like 

I wasn't a part of you, like the outcast that I'd always cast myself as.  You

had the innate ability to break right through all my defenses and reach 

deep inside me to find the child I never got to be.

   And I miss that

   Because I don't fit

   Anywhere but with you. And lately, I feel like I'm just playing the

waiting game... waiting for the time I get to join you and my Kairi, and 

sometimes... just sometimes... I want to call the game before I have to face

the outcome... but I know that if I did, I'd become the disappointment I 

always feared I already was.  I know I would finally see shame on your

beloved faces.  

   Shame I know I richly deserve

   Shame I am trying daily

   To live down

   Please know I love you, I miss you, and I pray daily that you have 

the whole family around you and that Kairi is making Heaven a brighter

place with her light that I miss so much. 

   I miss you more than words could ever ever properly say... and I love you 

more than I can physically express. 

Love Forever and Ever, 

Your "Bre-ba"