Singing 12/31/13

I have a problem
That needs attention
One that surprises me

I still have a voice...
I can still sing
I can still gut wrench
All this hurt out of me
When I open my lungs
And let it go....

I thought I'd lost it
When I lost you

But I was wrong
I am singing tonight
And it feels so good
To let some of it go
With every note
When I close my eyes
And I begin to sing
I know
You
Hear
Me

You
Hear
Me

Resolutions 12/31/13

You don't see you
The way I do...
All of you
Just little hollow paper dolls...
That flitter on the winds
Away from me...
Made up masks of
Compassion
Of understanding
Of bull shit...
It's all bull shit...
The faces you think you hide
Behind your lip service
Of how much you care
Of how you'll be here
When my thoughts are the
Darkest

Fucking lies
All of it...
And I'm so god damned
Tired of sifting through your
Lies
Of sifting through my own
That I have decided
To make my own resolution
This year

Fuck every last one of you
Who have walked away
When I needed you the most
It's finally on me...
All of it
And I can't wait to face this
New challenge
This new
Resolution

Reprieve... 12/27/13

Crisis averted...
Thank all that's holy...
I guess pure terror
Insomnia
And good ole fashioned
Stress will stop something
From being that
Wasn't meant to be...
If I hadn't already learned
That lesson...
It's been re-established
Fully this morning

I think Tori Amos
Said it best in her song titled
"Silent All These Years"
"Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
Do you think there's a heaven where
My screams have gone?
I've got twenty five bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there?"

I fully believe
This wasn't supposed to be
And it would have resulted in
Disaster for an innocent child
And he wouldn't have been
Even remotely happy about it...
So I guess it's for the best
And now he can have what he wants

Me out of his life fully...

Fuck the Schedule 12/27/13

I guess I'm truly amazed
By the human ability
To break
To shatter under
The pressure applied
By the power of words
And the aching loneliness of
Being discarded like
You were never good enough
In the first place
To achieve that crazy thing
People look for in life...
Contentment...
Peace....

Amazed
Because I'm as broken
As naked
As empty
As a person can be
Without
Taking a knife
To the carotid
And saying
Just Fuck it all...
Because I'm really there
I'm so close tonight
To taking the Joy
Out of Gods little
Experiment
By finishing myself
Ahead of schedule

I feel just like a rat
In a maze...
I feel badly because
This little critter inside me
Called bitterness
Called hatred
Called rage
Is beginning to claw
It's way out
Before the game
Has ended

Thwarting God... 12/26/13 (Explicit)

Here goes the raving lunatic again
Unable tonight to get her face
Out of my mind...
Unable to deal with
This new battle
I have to face
But fuck you
This time
I'm going to
Thwart your plans....
I'm not going to let you
Tease me with the chance of love
That no longer wants me
I won't allow you to make me believe
I'm part of something
That I have a family
YOU'VE SHOWN ME
I'm not allowed to have
They say the Lord giveth
And the Lord taketh away....

Don't I fucking know it

1. The First Lie...

Was giving me someone to love
Who couldn't love me back

2. The Second Lie...

I was told repeatedly that I was
A part of his family...
Until I didn't play by the rules
... And where are they now?

3. The Third Lie...

The beautiful child
The angel you gave me
AND THEN FUCKING
RIPPED AWAY FROM ME

If there was a message you were trying to send...
Take it from me...
MESSAGE RECEIVED

But here's where I get off
The crazy fucking plan you have for me
Because now that you're trying
AGAIN
Now that the life I had
IS DEAD
To give me another chance...

I'm getting off the fucking
Carousel....
The ride is over
Asshole
Find someone else to play with
Because I don't want your
Fucking pity gift

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
I WANT MY LITTLE GIRL BACK
WHERE I CAN WATCH HER SLEEP
AND WATCH HER TAKE HER FIRST STEPS
AND LAUGH AS SHE SPLASHES IN THE TUB
AND HOLD HER HAND AS SHE GOES TO SCHOOL
AND BE THERE TO WATCH HER BECOME THE BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN

YOU TOOK HER
YOU RIPPED MY FUCKING
SOUL OUT OF ME
TOOK MY HOME,
MY HEART
AND MOST OF
MY LIFE...

and then you give me another...

I won't give you another chance
To kill me this way
So I guess I have to be the
Killer this time

Death Knell 12/26/13

So what lies am I living on today
What bull shit lines can I deliver
To hide what's really going on
Behind my eyes,
And beneath my soul

I've now spent 3 years
Away from the ones I love
So that I can attempt
To do what's right
And not fuck them up
And the world they live in

Because the one I live in now
Carries only the sound of
The tolling of the death knell
There is nothing left of me
No semblance of the woman
I tried so hard to be

I keep holding on
But I know I'll never be allowed
To bring you back to life
I know that I can never hold you
I can never get back what I
Carelessly and selfishly lost
In my despair...

And so here I sit...
Allowing this season of grief
To encase my soul and what's left
Of my heart in ice...
Unable to see my way ahead...
Unable to claw my way out of
The well of naked rage
I have dug
One drop of blood
At a time...

Justifiable Homicide 12/25/13

The tears fall
Like ice
Falling from the
Inside out
Hitting the pavement
Shattering upon impact
Just like I have
I'm as cold
As a woman
Can get
And now
It seems God's
Having yet another
Laugh at my expense
I've let too much in
And not enough
Comes back
I will not do this
I can not do this
You've taken all I had
And you'd like me to
Produce yet another life
To hand you
You take my children
And leave me empty
And cold inside
And in my weakness
I allowed him to
Use me even after
He'd thrown me away
And you wonder why
I have to do what
I'm going to have to do
It can't happen
I can't allow it
But you can all
Justifiably
Call me a killer
This time

Bedtime Stories.. ***The Tale of the Lost Girl... 12/12/13***

Once upon a time....
Here we go again...

Once upon a time there was a girl...
We'll start at age 7...
Two weeks before her 8th birthday
Her father walked out of her life
And changed her world forever....

Then we jump to 13
When one night she was just walking home
And she was jumped by two fucking fucktards
Who raped and sodomized her...
Two weeks after her birthday

And then when she was just 19
She had a child...
A beautiful angel that filled her world
With light...
With love...

Until

We jump to when she was introduced
To something called opiates...
Heroin
And she found ways to escape
The pain she'd held inside
Until it became her reason
And it became her normal
It became her daily...
Until things had to change
Or she'd die, and lose the one thing
She loved
And she did...
For years she stayed clean
And in that time
She had another child
Another beautiful soul
That she loved and cherished

Until...

She got sick...
Pneumonia...
Had surgery
Had chest tubes
Had a pain pump...
Filling her with poison again...
And within a three month span
She lost her entire world...
And it was entirely her own fault
Because she didn't fight
She didn't do the right thing
And make it right for her children
For herself...
She always believed she wasn't good enough
To have such a life...
So she became
A lost soul...
For a year...
And then,
Saw what she was doing and got help...
Got clean...

And then...

She met someone and found herself
Building her world around him
And his life, and his world became
Her safety zone
She was gifted with another
Beautiful life...
Another child to call her own...
Another chance to do SOMETHING right...

And her child...
Her infant...
Died in her arms...
Two weeks before
Her fucking birthday...
She should have seen it
The other shoe about to drop...
And she knows it's because
She was never meant to have
Such innocence and light
In her life again...
And it was proven when
She was cast out of the life
She'd allowed herself
To love

A lost soul once again...
Lost again

And The Rant Continues... 12/12/13

I find myself
Unable to let go of
This tonight...
Unable to justify
The position I find myself
Flailing in...

(And I mean no offense
To the family I love and
Cherish with my rantings
This evening...)

But what the fuck?
I love all these people
Who gave me the bull shit
Line that they'd be there
For me in the aftermath
Of losing Kairi

But most of all
I rage tonight at the God
Who has simply and completely
Disregarded me...
Taken everything I had and loved
And dumped me back into a life
I can't handle or control
Without a fucking net.......

You simply have no idea how badly
I've wanted to end this shit lately
Because I'm failing,
I'm on the high wire and I'm
Going down and I can feel it
In my soul...
There's nothing left of me
If you just look closely
You can see it in my eyes...
I have nothing left to give...

I'm an empty soul
I'm empty womb
I'm an empty and
Vengeful bitch tonight
I could go the fuck off
So it's really good that
I am alone...
As per usual...
Alone, facing another night
Lost in the inferno of my
Fucked up mind...

Fucking Lip Service... 12/11/13

Having one of those nights,
Where nothing is going to work...
Nothing is about to stop this
Rage inside me
So it's time to vent
Time to let some of this shit
Go... and get to where it belongs...

In the past 18 months...
I've been a lost soul....
Found a friend...
Mistook friendship for
The possibility of love
And bore a child out of
Said love

And our child
Died in my arms...

And since my world
Shattered again...
Since I've become
A lost soul
One more time...
Where the fuck
Have you been

The ones who whispered
They'd be there...
If I needed someone
To talk to..
The ones who said
I'd never be alone

Fucking Lip Service...
All of you.....

Function 12/11/13

My give a shit
Is functioning fully
On auto pilot
And it seems to be
Malfunctioning
Because I can't seem
To care lately
About your problems
About your pains
Because you threw
Me and mine away
When things didn't go
Exactly your way
And I don't get how
You sleep at night
Anymore
Do you wake up
With the screams
Caught in your throat
Like I do?
Do you have the
Nightmares that make
You avoid sleep
Like the plague
Like I do?
I don't think so
I think you function
Just fine...
I think you just put it
Away and go on like
Nothing happened
Like your life wasn't
Ripped apart
Because maybe it wasn't
Not like mine was
Not like mine was

Bedtime Stories*** The Tale of the Broken Woman***... 12/7/13

Once upon a time...

Long ago,
There lived a young gypsy woman
Who's life had been
Broken
Many times over
Right along with her heart
She was known in the land
As The Broken Woman...
She had survived a life that
Had left her in pieces
She felt she was almost
Too broken
To ever be truly accepted
By the people of the land
To be liked by anyone else...
A woman who'd become so broken
So jaded, so afraid to believe
In anyone... anything
That she'd locked herself away
In a prison
She'd built all by herself
Around the shattered pieces
Of her heart and soul...
A prison that no one,
Could breach....

Until one chilly October morning,
The young and beautiful
Princess Constance had lost her way
On her journey, and had heard tales of
A mysterious young gypsy woman who possessed
The ability to look into the future,
Into the past, and beyond the veil.
She found herself lost and unable
To see her way ahead
To choose her path back home
Or to journey onward into the
Unknown

And it happened that
Their journey's met
The Princess appeared to the
Broken woman
Like a blast of sunshine
A woman with such a light...
Such a unique personality
And such an ability to get past
Even the Broken woman's best laid defenses
Without even seeming to try...

They spent hours together,
And within that time, they
Both grew in the knowledge
That a very big moment had
Just passed

Two soul mates...
Lost in this world of craziness
Had found each other...

The Broken woman began
To see life through the eyes
Of the special gift she'd been given
When she found her sister...
Her sister, not of blood
The sister of her soul
The sister who began to help her
Make cracks in her wall
So that she could let in the light
And the life that came with
With this amazing woman
She handed the broken woman
Things she never believed herself
Worthy of holding
A mother and father
To love and respect
The three beloved children
Even her wild
Menagerie of animals... :)

This amazing woman
Opened not just her heart
Her home,
Her life
Her family
Her very world
To this broken shell of a woman
Who did not deserve
To be graced with the love
Of good people like these
And together,
They journey on...

To be continued...

Irelynd and Kairi 12/7/13

Published on Facebook and memorialized here for Irelynd to read someday...

Irelynd and Mommy

Taking a moment here...
Just found these photo's and 
Had myself a good cry
These are pictures of two sisters
Who will never know each other.
The first is a picture taken in June 2008
Of Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and I,
My second born child
The next picture was taken 
Just back in August 2013
Of Kairi Alina McGowan
My third born child
Both girls were a month old
When each picture was taken
Just five years apart

Kairi and Mommy

Sisters
Who will never meet
Who never got to know of the
Existence of the other
Before Kairi's passing

How alike they look!

My heart is so heavy tonight with all that has passed
And all that has happened in the past few years.
The pain I have caused and the                                           wrong I have done
                                          To those I love the most is                                                 unforgivable to some
                                          Myself included                                                              
And perhaps I deserve to lose something so special.

But they didn't deserve to never have had the chance
To know each other
To know of each other.
I have given birth to three beautiful children
That have every bit of my heart
With every breath I take.
Until the day we meet again

Irelynd,
Know there hasn't been a day that has passed
That you weren't in my heart and on my mind.
Know that I have missed you and cried myself sick
Over the choice I made to back out of your life until you were
Older and better able to understand

Void 12/6/13

Have you ever had one of those moments
When your trigger breaks...
When you find yourself lost
In yesterday
Chewing on what could have been
And what can never be
Again
I find myself here
Trying to fill this void
Trying to find a way
To make sense of all of this
Loss
And I'm finding myself
Lost

Thanks-Fucking-Giving 11/28/13

People just don't get it
Normally I troll facebook
And I don't find anyone
Who gets it...
Until today.
Until I read this:

Lisa M Gordon-Surnear

about an hour ago

Please do not take offense, these are my random thoughts.....I am NOT thankful today by any means. I hate today. I wish I never woke up today. I am not thankful that my dead daughter is a reminder of how much you love your family. I am not thankful that when we sit down to eat I will be staring at an empty chair and probably vomit on my plate. I am not thankful that I cannot hear Shea tell me how much she hates turkey and rather eat Lucky charms. I am not thankful. I am full of hate, anger, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, fear, rage, anguish, and pain. I am not thankful.

Please Lisa, know that
You're not alone
I feel terrible for what you
And your family are going through
Today would have been my Kairi's
First family holiday
And believe me,
I don't want to face it either...
I don't want to face the fact
That with Kairi gone,
I no longer have half the
Family I came to love
Once again...
On the outside looking in
On his beautiful family
I want to beat the shit
Out of something
Anything
Because this pain inside me
Is going to come pouring out
Somehow...
It's days like today
That make you wonder why the hell
They call it Thanksgiving
Because the last thing
I feel today
Is thankful

Punch Line 11/23/13

Tonight, I sit here wondering
If the joke is entirely on me
If the punch line somehow got
Lost in translation
And I'm waiting for a
Conclusion
That isn't coming...

They say I'm strong
They say I can get past this
But I just don't see it
I don't feel strong
I feel very very
Alone
Like this agony isn't
Supposed to end
And it's just a great big
Joke played on and on

So when do I get back
To the beginning...
Where things make sense
Again?
That place between horror
And understanding
Because I feel very
Very far from
Understanding
Right now
I feel full of
Rage
Right now
And I want to know
When this game
Will be played out
When do I just get to be
The punch line

Bad Night 11/22/13

It's happening again
This burning I can't
Extinguish by a few
Off hand remarks about
Time healing this wound
This choking on the million
Bullshit words
That are thrown in
With all the other
Bullshit words
That have been heaped
On top of this wound
Tonight I'm having
A bad moment
Where if I was let off
This self imposed leash
You'd see nothing but
The ashes of the life
I've left behind
So I keep myself
Bound tightly
To her memory
So that I can look
Myself in the mirror
Come morning

With You 11/21/13

Numb inside
Barely breathing
Afraid of the
Heartache that
Ignites the moment
The sun rises
I bury it well
Most of the time
But the moment
The sun dies
The moment
Night falls
The agony rips
Through me so hard
Sometimes I feel my
World just slipping
Away
Right along
With you...

Never 11/11/13

You're never going to love me
The way I do you
You'll never be able to feel
This way for me
Because I fell off my
Pedestal
And I fell hard
Because I couldn't
Give back
The one thing
You always wanted
The one thing
I gave you
That no one else
Could
I couldn't save her
And I know
That deep down
Where you hide
Your heart
You blame me
Because I couldn't
Save our baby
And you don't know
You can't know
The agony I feel
As I lay here
Attempting to sleep
Knowing that she'll
Be there
As I close my eyes
Inviting me to relive
A life I can't have
With all I once held
Dangling from my
Fingertips
So I can lose you all
Again
When I close my eyes
When I see her face
When I lose you
All of you
Every night

Screaming 11/6/13

It's so easy
For some people
To lay down
And sleep
To dream
It seems so easy
For you

And I envy you

Because I lay in bed
And I see her face
Peaceful
As she lay
Motionless
In my arms
And I begin to scream
They come up from
Some secret place
Inside of me
That I'm able to
Hide while I'm awake
But comes out to
Torment me
While dreaming
And I wake to find
My screams are still
Bottled up
Inside of me
Still aching to
Become