End Game 12/28/14

So many people
Look down on me
For the things
I have done
And instead of
Playing their game
Of who's better
Than who
I've tried to
Turn the other
Cheek
But I find
That when I do
I miss the swing
Of the knife
As it arc's
Toward my
Back

I'm just tired
Of playing
Of paying
Of fighting
When the battle
Has already been lost
I'm starting from
Nothing
And watching each step
So that my
End game
Can come
To light

And what an
End game
It is

Looking In... 12/16/14

Outside
Looking in
That's me
Always the one
Watching others
Have their
Happy little lives
While I stand
Cold
Allowing the
Winter to
Freeze me
Through

Sidelined
Put here because
I fucked it all up
Me
All by myself
The choices
I've made
Were never taken
Lightly
Never taken
For granted

Until I realized
What I took
For granted
Was Me
Who I could have been
Who I was meant to be
I've finally come
To terms with
The glaring truth

I'm not allowed
To have happy
To have trust
To have love
To have comfort
To have a home...
To have a family

These are things
I crave
Like I crave
My next breath

But things
I'm not allowed
To hold
While I stand
On the outside
Looking in....

The Line 12/5/14

The line
Extends
White
Dissented
On her inner thigh
One of many
Like a fresh
Sheet of lined paper
Waiting for the writer
To begin her tale
Of woe
The scars
From her attempts
To focus
Her pain
Because it becomes
So all encompassing
That if she doesn't
Cut down deep enough
It won't stop
It won't ever end
And now
Her scars
Have prepared
An archive
For her to begin
Her letter
Of farewell
To life
Written in blood
On skin

"You Go Girl" 12/5/14

I have a little something to bitch about... something that's been eating me for a few days now. Something that if left unspoken will eat a hole in me and there are far too many of those already.

I value true friends
I value them to the point
Of calling them family
I value open and honest people
People who aren't afraid to be up front
Honest
People who have gone out of their way to help me
Just as I have done for them
I've kept their secrets
They've kept mine
They aren't afraid to tell me
Just how shit stands
Like a woman
Face to face
Instead of on Facebook
For others to read and comment on
Without knowing both sides
People who value me
Just as I value them
People I would die for

It's for friends like those
I would walk through fire
It's for friends like those
I'd be their biggest ally

I've had friends like those
The ones that become so important
So close to your heart
That when they allow
Petty material shit
To get in the way of that friendship
Are the same ones
That when they decide you aren't worth
Their time or their consideration
The common decency to keep
Your business off of Facebook
Make me feel
I have to reconsider
The friendship
Because people I call friends
Don't put my private business
Out there for the world to see
Because I prefer to keep my dealings
Out of the public eye
And anyone that claimed to be my friend
To be my family
Knows this about me
And decided to completely disregard it
For a few "atta boy's" and "you go girl's"
Because nobody who wanted to remain
In my life
Would do such a thing
Right?

Letter to JM 11/6/14

I see

Your beloved face

In pictures 

I wasn't meant 

To see 

Because you 

Despise the very

Air I breathe 

Because of all the

Rotten memories 

That have now 

Overshadowed 

The good 

I understand 

You're reticence 

Your unwillingness 

To allow such an

Unfaithful foe

Back into 

Your world

Into your confidence 

Even your acquaintance

No matter what 

Steps I work 

Or how much 

A person can change 

I can't erase the memories 

Of how badly I have 

Let you down 

That have gotten us

To this season of silence 

But it doesn't change 

The sound

Of my heart

Shattering inside

My chest

No matter how

Deserving 

I am of 

This agony

I still miss you 

With every breath

With every tear

I shed 

At this loss

And even If

You never let me 

Back into your life 

I will be watching 

I will be loving

And I will be waiting 

Hoping

Should your step 

Ever falter back

In my direction 

Painful Steps 11/5/14

I write these words on paper 

So that they 

Take form

Made substantial 

By simply flowing ink

On white

I wish

More than anything

I could show them 

So that you could feel 

The power behind them 

So that you could feel

The way I do 

When I see them

These steps

Sounds simple 

From the lay mans point of view

But I stand here 

Poised on the edge of beginning

The Fourth Step

And to do so

I must look at something

I've been running from

For so long I have almost 

Forgotten how it began

I have to write these words 

On paper

And stake myself out

Naked 

And admit

For God, another human 

And most frighteningly 

Myself

The exact nature 

Of my wrongs 

And there are so many

So much 

I haven't even acknowledged 

Let alone admitted 

That soon this blank canvass 

Will fill

With all the dirty little secrets

I've had hidden inside

So I write these words

On paper

And I wish 

The pen wasn't so heavy, filled 

With all the wrongs

For which now 

I must atone

My Turn. 10/21/14

I've heard it said

That it can't rain

All the time

That the sun will

Fight it's way through

The darkness and 

The sun will find it's time

In which to shine

When

Will it

Be my turn 

To shine

I feel like I've fought my way

Through so much darkness 

That it's almost become 

Part of me. 

And change 

Has never been

Something in which

I seem to excel

But sometimes

I feel the light 

Trying to find it's way

Up and out 

Of this blackness

In which I've found myself

A home. 

Heaven Waiting 10/20/14

I held you close

In the early morning light

The world was calm

The moon still bright

You turned your head

You opened your eyes

And you smiled

So sweetly

It haunts me still

What was there 

In your mind

Inside that smile?

Did you already see 

Heaven waiting?

Pretend 10/15/14

I stand out in the rain 

Pretending 

That the baby I just held

Was my Kairi. 

He smelled so good

As babies do 

All soft and sweet

And I ache so badly

To hold my Kairi 

That I can hardly stand 

The pain

I wish

So badly

To feel her little body

Snuggled on my chest

The way she was 

The last time I held her

Not knowing it would be our last

And I remember 

How good she felt

And how precious 

Those last moments were

And I guard them 

In my memory

Because I was the one

Who held her

Who loved her 

As she slipped into

Heaven

And I was the one

Who will hold those 

Last fleeting moments 

In my heart and mind

Until I meet her there. 

My Worst Enemy 9/23/14

Is there hope 

For one such as me? 

Is there a light 

At the end

Of this seemingly 

Endless tunnel?

Sometimes I try

To look ahead 

And dream of 

A better life

A future in that light 

Somewhere warm and 

Golden

One where I can hold 

My babies once again 

And somewhere 

I can finally feel whole

Somewhere to heal 

From these vicious

Self inflicted wounds...

But there's always someone 

Standing solidly

Blocking my path

Getting in the way

And taking me further 

From the life I wish for 

And when I see her 

She's always shrouded in 

Darkness 

And I always followed 

Her down the wrong path 

Until I decided to shine a light

Into her ravaged face 

And realized I was always

Just staring at

Myself in the mirror 

At my own worst enemy

Naked 9/21/14

I've gotten so good 

At doing the wrong thing

Choosing the wrong path

That I wonder now

If I'm ever going to

Truly fit

Truly adhere

To the right 

I think about you 

Sometimes when I'm 

Feeling morose 

And I wonder

How you sleep

At night

Wrapped up tight

In your solitude

Like a blanket

I'm getting tired

Of always looking at

What I've lost

So damn sick of 

The pity party

I've wallowed in 

That I believe 

It's time now

To look only at what 

I have gained

And what I am going to 

Achieve 

Now that I've 

Cast off your blanket

And walked 

Naked

Into the light...

Masks 9/3-14

You and I 

Have seen too much

Of how harsh

This wold 

Can be

So we show

A different side

Of ourselves 

To people 

Outside 

And portray ourselves 

As hardened

So that the world

Keeps it's self

At arms length. 

Because we have seen

What can happen 

If we let it get too close

We wear masks

To keep them from seeing

How vulnerable we can be. 

You have seen me

Without mine

At my worst

When I was ready

To give certain people

The satisfaction

Of seeing me 

Blow a hole

Into mine

And you're still here

   Slowly untying the strings 

      That holds yours

          In place 

Two Weeks 9/1/14

On this day

Last year

Had I known

Had I suspected

The moment 

The days

The months 

Of pure hell

I would have to endure

I wouldn't have changed

A single thing

But for one

On that day

When I held you 

In my arms 

In the wee hours

So you could have your bottle

So we could have 

Mommy and Kairi time

I would never have taken

My eyes off of you 

Never would have 

Fallen asleep 

So that I could have been

Vigilant 

And saved you 

The moment you 

Breathed your last

Dear Irelynd, 8/31/14

In 12 days, the court proceedings begin. I pray to God I am doing the right thing in starting now but I don't believe your daddy is being honest with me. Now I am starting to believe the only reason he has asked me to wait is so that he can have my parental rights taken from me.  I no longer know what to believe. All I know is that I have done everything I can think of to get better so that I can be the mom a little girl as wonderful as you deserves.  I understand why there are those who don't believe I've changed. I was not in any shape at all not too long ago to be in your life. I know that. But I have gone through so much to get to where I am now and I can't wait any longer to hold you in my arms. I have been told to stay away for a long time now by your daddy and your Mema and perhaps at one time it was warrented, but I can't go much longer. I want to begin building memories so that we have a solid foundation for the rest of our days. If I could talk peacefully with your daddy I would have never gotten the courts involved but it seems that can't happen. So to court we go. The battle begins. 

All my heart,

All my love,

Mommy

Miracle Grow 8/29/14

I see things

A little differently

Than others

I see people 

For who they are

Not what

I value honesty

Truth

I value love 

In it's purest form 

The love of a mother

To her daughter 

Born not of blood

But something greater...

I sit here beside you 

And I wish silently

That my children 

Had grown up 

With you

That I had 

That I had been able 

To grow with you 

As my caretaker 

Like one of your garden 

Flowers

Loved and sheltered 

But it wasn't meant to be

Instead you get me after

Life has wilted me some. 

But as my master gardener

You've tended my fragile new

Growth 

And let me feel the warmth 

Of the sun. 

I am learning

To be a good little

Flower

To show you that

I deserve your 

Love

To show them all

Just how much 

I've grown

With your blessing

Under your love

My Hero 8/21/14

When I was a little girl 

I thought you were god

I know I shouldn't. Say that 

But it's true

You were everything I thought 

God was supposed to be.

Handsome

Strong

Loving 

But firm

You were my hero

And I would have followed 

You anywhere

But I grew up

As little girls tend to do

But due to circumstances 

Far beyond reason

I wasn't meant to be with you

So our journeys parted

Mine took me into the bowls

Of hell and left me on the edge 

But this story isn't about me

From what I have leaned

Yours took you into the loving arms

Of your soul mate 

You had lives to save 

With your call to heal the sick

You had two more beautiful girls

That graced your life with their light 

And you found your way 

Into a strong relationship with god. 

When we met again 

After years apart

When I was standing 

On the edge of no return 

You saved me

You drew me back to life 

So that I could stay with my baby

So that I could see the

Gracious life I wanted to achieve

But I lost my way in my darkness 

And I wouldn't let myself believe

That I was worth saving

And you found yourself

Facing the battle of your life

I wasn't there for the beginning 

But I was there at the end.  

And I held your hand in mine

And kissed your cheek 

And asked god to tell you

That you're still my hero 

And now j know that you and god

Are up there guiding me 

And showing me the way

Out of the darkness 

And into your light. 

Daddy 8/15/14

Im not ready

To lose you

Daddy

Not ready to 

Face the rest of

My life 

Without your smile

Without your unique 

Sense of humor

Without your amazing 

Ability to see past the 

Bad in me

And find the good

In spite do all the 

Wrong I've done. 

The fear in me

At the thought of 

Living without you

In the world 

To lift me up 

When I've fallen

And to kick my ass 

When I'm acting like one 

Fills me with such 

Hopelessness 

I'm not ready

To lose you

Daddy...

Not at all...

But I will love you

Respect you

And keep the 

Promises I made

And I know you'll

Keep yours

Because you see

Once upon a time 

There was a little girl 

Who would wait for her 

Daddy 

To come home from work 

So that she could have 

Daddy and I time

Where she would pull off

His shoes and socks

And rub his feet

Until the time he 

Didn't come home...

Not for a long time

Not til the girl became 

A woman

And they had 

Met on the scortched bridge

That they had burnt 

From either end 

And together

They rebuilt it 

And now

The girl is older

And her daddy

Is ill

Sick with a most 

Horrid illness

And he stands 

Poised on the edge of

Now and forever

And she feels just like

A little girl again

Waiting for her daddy

To go home

Where he can be

Beyond the pain

Wishing him a good journey

But wishing selfishly 

For him to stay

Just a little longer

Cause of Death 7/25/14

I have been as insulted as 

A woman and a mother as 

I am going to allow 

As of today I am no longer

Going to sit and take this

Vicious slander 

From people who

Once called themselves 

Family... People who are

Unable to deal with certain 

Truths that I will spell out 

Once again

So that there is no mistake. 

I spoke again with the 

Funeral director today

Just to hear from him    

That there was no change 

From his original findings

My child passed away 

From SIDS. 

But for some reason 

Someone connected to

Her fathers family would 

Rather spread 

Lies and try to 

Justify Kairi's passing

By telling people that I 

Caused the death 

Of my angel. 

And it is because of this

Because they would all

Rather believe this bull shit

And allow this woman 

Who is speaking for them

Without having even known 

My child

That I have set on a course of

Action that I believe I have to. 

At the time of her passing 

I allowed her urn to include

The last name of this family

Because I believed I was doing 

The right thing

And today I ordered the new one

While I had the director on the phone

So that her name is correct

As it was on her birth certificate 

Because my give a shit has finally

Shattered where this is concerned 

I loved my daughter to distraction and 

I refuse to take this sickening 

Insult quietly. 

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 

I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 

What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

To Connie Lynn 7/21/14

I looked through you

And saw myself 

Fading 

On the other side 

I tried so hard 

To make myself 

Into someone 

You could love

But in the end 

I made you hate

All that I'd tried

So hard to be

This was my own mistake

I tried to love someone

Who couldn't love me

For what I was

Someone who took me

In hand and shaped me

Like clay, crushed me and 

Strangled what I was

Until I was without

A shape and form

Poured me out into

A mold I was too big

To fit

And left me there 

To wither and die

In the sunlight 

Just to make me 

Pretty enough

To make him feel

Strong

Worthy 

 

Pretty enough

To shelter the lie

That was his love

Until I began to 

Crack and chip away 

At the deceit 

And found a woman

Without form

For me to shape

This time

For me

Fallout 7/19/14

I have a tendency 

To torture myself 

With things I should 

Avoid. 

I seek out people

I should stay

Away from and 

I let situations that

Have no bearing 

On myself 

Become objects of 

Fixation. 

I see things I 

Shouldn't sometimes

And for that reason 

I have tried to 

Make someone I

Once cared greatly for

See the folly of the 

Choices of recent past

It matters not that I haven't 

Been wrong yet in my readings 

But people will do what they will

Be damned the consequences 

I just fear the enormity of the 

Fallout from this choice 

This decision that you've made

In spite of the warning 

You feel up your spine and 

In your gut

As you read these words. 

Voices 7/17/14

If there were words

To say what I need to

To fix my ever present 

Fuck ups 

I would tattoo them 

Across my heart

And hand it to you

I loved you

As a child 

Even though I didn't show it

I was always proud of you

Even though I did nothing to 

Earn it 

I heard your voice today

For the first time in years

And the tears fell like rain

Trying to cleanse

My guilt

That I don't deserve 

To be free of 

There aren't enough tears

To wash away

The pain 

Of losing you 

Shadows 7/16/14

Watching

As always

In the shadows 

As you dance onto 

The scene

With hair and skirt

Fanning out around you

Like a halo 

A woman's charms 

All her own 

Her secrets

Buried deeply 

All these years

Begin to show 

Around her eyes 

And her laugh lines

Furrow deeply 

Into worry

And the scars 

She held tightly

On the inside

Begin to shape her

Anew

Once a young girl

Full of promise 

Full of life

Now feels old

And withered inside 

Where she once held 

Her female charms

Became a chasm of 

Despair and anger

That she uses as a weapon

To deflect any hint of softness

Taken these days too often 

As weakness

And that she shows only 

In these shadows in which I stand

Watching memories of myself 

Play across my mind

Of the days before 

My reality came home

With ribbons undone. 

Thanks to Tony 7/9/14

A tiny prince lays sleeping

Curled tightly into a ball 

Even though he is safe

Even though he is sheltered

From the storm

This night

He lays resting 

As though he has traveled

A great distance

And is weary 

From the road

He finds himself

A broke down palace

To take this respite

Full of women 

As road worn as he

And he is instantly adored

Because he shows them

That even though his beginning 

Was not one if pride

His present and his future

Are not set 

And he gives them all the love

He still carries inside

Through the world has shown him

Only pain

He still carries the ability

To love uninhibitedly 

Showing them that they too

Carry the ability to hold 

Such love inside

Happy Birthday Kairi 7/8/14

I sit here 

Remembering 

Your tiny fingers

Wrapped around mine

How you would lay on

Your changing table and 

You would talk you your 

Stuffed chihuahua that I

Swear you named "Agee"

And girl, sometimes you'd

Get so mad at that stinking 

Chihuahua!

How you would lay on my chest

And look up into my eyes

And show me what it felt like

To be where you are now.

How you would lay sleeping

Peacefully in your crib

And how hard it was 

To look away

I remember every moment 

You spent in my arms 

And how it felt when you

Moved in me

For the first time

And every time after

I would lay and dream

And pray and hope

Until the day I pushed you

Into this world 

And saw for the first time

What an angel really looked like. 

I remember our first talk

In the hospital when we

Were alone about how

I got to have the honor

Of being your mother 

Of giving you my name

Of being the only one 

Who got to shelter and protect 

You inside of me. 

And that is one honor I 

Won't take lightly

Tomorrow would have been 

Your first birthday. 

I should have been putting 

Together a party for a princess

Instead of releasing balloons 

So you can have them in heaven.

Tomorrow your family, 

The ones who have stood

Strong in their love for you

Are going to meet me. 

To honor you

No cake and candles

Your light will never be extinguished

No silly birthday games for kids

The adults have already played them

But by God, my baby

Will have her balloons

No laughter 

No pigtails 

No ribbons 

No lace

Your memory time

Can not erase

All my love to you

Kairi Alina McGowan

7/8/13-9/14/13

Dear Irelynd, 6/25/14

I write this to you tonight 

So that you can look back

Someday and know that 

Even though I wasn't able

To be with you today

My heart was

And always is 

Beside you

Inside of you.

You're getting so big baby!

You're six years old now

And I have missed so much

That we will never be able 

To get back...

You have every right

To hate me as much 

As everyone else

And I won't blame you

If you do. 

You are lucky enough

To have a wonderful and loving

Father

A beautiful and caring 

Woman stands in my place

And even though I am

Eaten alive with jealousy 

I also know that she loves

You just as much as I do. 

And I am at peace with that. 

Know always 

That I love you

Endlessly

And completely. 

The moment 

You ask for me

I will be there

Where my heart 

Has lived

All this time

I pray for that day 

Every single day

Every long lonely night

And with every breath

I breathe

I am so proud of you!

Congratulations my baby

It's on to first grade next year!!!

Love,

Mommy

To My Mother. 6/18/14

Tonight you said something

I never thought I'd hear from you 

Something I didn't ask for

But receive with humility 

I once wrote

About how badly

I needed 

Your acceptance

So freely and 

Unwaveringly given

To others

But denied me

But I see now... 

It wasn't out of favoritism

Or because your

Heart lacked the love

I felt from you when 

I was younger. 

It's harder to accept

When you finally realize

You weren't worthy of it 

And won't be worthy of it

Until you're able

To prove yourself

And now that I'm getting 

To that point

I find myself 

Almost fearing

That moment

Fierce 6/15/14

Trying to put things

Into perspective 

Has given me a gift

That I didn't see coming

When you showed me 

Just how hard your

Heart has become

You inadvertently 

Freed me

I no longer have to

Feel this unease inside me 

Thinking that I should have 

Done this

Said that

Tried harder

To keep things 

Together

Not for us,

But to honor her

By being friendly

With you

So that we could 

Have that venue of

Open communication

But as of today

I'm free of this worry inside

That I'm somehow doing her

Wrong by not attempting 

Civility  

She took that worry 

Out of my heart and mind

By sending me another

Of her messages from heaven

One that was unmistakably from 

Her after all that has transpired

In the past few days

After a few truths 

Were drawn into the light

I thank her

For showing me that 

She doesn't blame me 

For this parting of the ways

That has come to pass. 

I thank god she knows 

That I did all I could to 

Keep things decent

So we could celebrate 

Her life together

With her there

On her birthday 

But her family will 

Be present if no one is there

But me. 

I have peace knowing 

She saw it all

And sees that 

I love her enough

To put myself 

Out on a limb

To be the hated one

By others

But a fierce and loving 

Mother

To her

Always

Letter From Kairi to Her Daddy on His First Fathers Day. 6/15/14

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Who loved her father

Very much. 

The little girl wanted 

Very much 

To spend this day

With her beloved father

To lay in his arms

And feel his love

Surrounding her...

But she was called home

By her Heavenly Father. 

On this day, 

Even though she lays

In His arms. 

She longs to feel

The love of her father

She had to leave down here. 

So this morning 

She sent her momma

A message for him...

My Dearest Daddy,

I miss you more

Than any words 

Could ever express, 

But I want you to know

I am loved

I am safe

And I am always with you. 

Always and forever

My love is in you

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Love,

Your Baby Girl

Kairi Alina McGowan

Righteous Fury 6/24/14

I've heard it said

That hell hath no fury

Like a woman scorned. 

And I've been as scorned 

As a woman can get 

The moment you spoke 

Against the memory 

Of my child. 

Like you have any right

To do so. 

In two weeks

I will honor the 

The day of my

Sweet Kairi's birth. 

I'd offered to have a 

Memorial service

And include her entire family

But it seems my efforts

To have a day for her

With everyone in one place 

To honor her as one

Was just too much 

To expect out of those who

Claim to love her the most. 

There is so much 

That I would like 

To say here

So much that will

Sever the rest of the

Tie that has been 

Stretched too thin already 

By my righteous fury

In the face of such 

Blatant disregard 

For the memory 

Of so precious 

A life

One that I alone

Will continue to

Celebrate

And mourn

With every breath

I take

And every

Milestone

Unlived

Full Truths 6/9/14

When I say I miss you

What I really mean is

That I miss you more than

I'd miss the very air I breathe. 

When I say I love you 

It means I love you in spite

Of every wrong move and

Any feelings of anger, betrayal,

Or loss.

When I say I need you

What I'm really saying

Is that I ache inside

So badly sometimes 

I feel it physically and it

Doubles me over from 

The pain

I miss you

I love you 

I need you

And without you

I am lost out here

Connie Lynn 6/8/14

She asks:

"Will I ever feel

Beautiful again.."

I answer:

One day my sweet

Sister of my heart

You will see

That just because

Your heart has been

As abused as it can be

Has in no way 

Tarnished the beauty 

That you have inside. 

That man could never

Keep his eyes trained

On the brilliance of the 

Light that shines from you. 

A light so bright it's like

Looking into the sun. 

Your heart

Even in your

Darkest moments

Even as broken as you feel

Because of one mans folly

Remains the most beautiful

Heart I've had the honor

Of having in my life...

Connie.... You have

All my love

Always

Without 5/30/14

How do you live

Without hope?

Without something 

Someone

To live for?

How do you

Find the will

To face each new day

Each new challenge 

Knowing inherently 

That you matter

To no one?

All good questions

No good answers...

Vicious 5/16/14

I write 

My rage

On paper

So that 

You won't 

See it 

Behind my eyes

Every time 

You try 

And fail

To see me...

I spit 

My spite

In great

Disgusting globs

So that

I don't 

Spit it

Into your 

Smug 

Hypocritical 

Face...

I repress

My viciousness

Because I fear

The lengths 

To which I go

When pushed 

Beyond my 

Reason

Mirror Image 4/10/14

I sit here
Looking at myself
In the mirror
And all I see
Is someone
I don't know
Someone hiding
Behind a mask
That no longer fits
Someone so broken
That she no longer
Makes any sense...
Just a jumbled
Mess of features
That don't fit
With who she
Thought she was
And who she
Longs to be...
I wish I could
Live in the world
On the other side of
The mirror
The antithesis
Of this world
Where pain and rage
Are constant companions
And all that I love
Are estranged

The Void 4/9/14

Finding myself
Trying to breach
This void...
And finding myself
Unable to breathe
Unable to catch
A glimpse of
The sanity I was
Promised
On the other side

Penance 3/25/14

How many times
Can a heart shatter
Before there's nothing left?
How long will this
Penance go on?

I miss you
Every moment of
Every day
With every
Tear
Every breath

You have decided
That you don't want
Me in your life
And the rational
Part of me can
Accept it

But knowing
That you don't
Want to talk to me
You don't want
To see me
Is slowly eating
Another hole
Another chasm
Of pain and
Despair
One that can't
Be healed
By anyone but you

Please
Help me
Please
I can't fix this
Alone anymore

Anchor 3/15/14

I have been removed
Again
By someone I love
More than I thought possible
They say that
When it rains
It pours
And they weren't
Wrong
I'm tired of
Starting over
Tired of trying to
Find my way alone
I have never wanted
To disappear
More than I do
In this moment
I no longer have
An anchor to this
World that will
Allow me to hold it
Allow me to love it
What I have brought
Into the world with
Love
Has either died or
Dicarded me and my love
Like garbage
And the pain of this loss
Is an ache in me
That I can't cover or contain
I am trying to make a life
But find I have nothing
To make it for.

The Someday

How do you find and fix
What's broken inside of yourself?
What makes someone
Get this broken?
I know that I deserve
A lot of what has
Transpired over the years
A lot of it I didn't
But I cant believe
That I can't be made
Whole again somehow
I am trying to be better
To attempt to fill the
Holes in my life
The voids that can only
Be filled by certain
People....
Those I will have to wait on
For the someday
That may never come...
I know I have a reckoning
Awaiting me
One I yearn for
But fear in the same
Breath

The Middle

There you'd lay
All sweetness and innocence
Like a divider
Amid the turbulence
That churned constantly
Between us
Your daddy and I
You were the glue, you see
That held us together
And the loss of your light
Has put such darkness in me
I thought I knew
Intimately
What darkness
Tasted like
Until I lost you
And now today
I feel nothing but
Anguish
When I remember
The way I felt
When I'd lay in my spot
Just left of
The middle

Search and Rescue Mission 1/12/14

I've found something
Inside of myself
Just recently
That I never thought
I had in me...
Something so deeply buried
That I needed a
Search and rescue team
To find it...
And I have one hell
Of an amazing team now
People who have so
Deeply and profoundly
Helped me heal on my
Continuing path
That I've decided against
Continuing my self-destructiveness
And begin the long
Sometimes agonizing
Sometimes so
Damned rocky road
That it seems it will
Never end well for me
But I now know
I have so much to give
That it has been and
Will continue to be
Worth the pain
To find myself
Again...

Absence... 1/22/14

It's over
All of it...
The needles
The pills
The endless urge
To be absent
From life
The endless aching
To be with her
To find a way to
Escape this pain
Of her loss
Of mine
The welcome oblivion
That comes when
The poison
Surges through me
Making me numb
So that I don't have
To wonder
If she's watching
Because I didn't care
I didn't want to
I didn't want to think
That she's seen it all
I'm tired of
Pushing my soul down
With every stab
Every mark
A benediction
Until today
Until today

I've been so absent
That I didn't realize
That I'd lost myself
Along this road
One more fucking time
And as of today
I'm absent
No longer

Spider & Fly 1/20/14

Have you ever sat
And wished
You could be
A fly on the wall?
That you could
Hear what others
Truly think of you?
If they roll their eyes
When you call
Or if they truly
Are the way they seem...
I sometimes feel
Like that fly
But sometimes
Just sometimes
I feel like the
Spider
Waiting for the fly
To make a move
In my direction
Because I don't know
If I really want to know
Anymore
I'm tired of wanting
Something
I can't have
I'm tired of reaching
For something
That isn't even
Within my grasp
Tired of wishing
When all the hope
Inside of me
Has died
Tired
And waiting
Wishing
The fucking spider
Would just strike
Already

Just For A Laugh.... 1/14/14

Little Bre Muffett
Sat on her Tuffet
Sniffing a bundle of dope (only for rhyming reasons..)
Twas a huge spider fucker
And she called Connie Tucker
Who killed it and sat
For a smoke

Two Red Mittens 1/12/14

I am having a very hard time
Dealing with the loss of my little girl
But see...
She's still with me...
And she has her little ways
To let me know that
She's watching
She's aware of it all.......

***And so the story begins***

Two days ago,
I was sitting in my room
Holding Kairi's picture...
Having one of my moments...
And looking out the front window
At all the snow on the ground
And I started thinking to myself...
That I'd gotten her a snow suit
Two tiny red mittens
Included...
But when I moved
I left it with her daddy
Because the thought that she'd
Never have to see autumn...
She'd never see winter
Was too much for me to
Handle....

I got up and placed
The picture on the bed
And left the room to try to
Get a coffee or use the restroom..
I can't remember which...
And when I returned

Sitting there in the middle of the floor
Was one red mitten...
Tiny..
And I thought.. nah, it couldn't be....
And when I spoke to her father
About it...
He looked in what he has of hers
And there it sat...
Just one red mitten...
One for each of us

She let us know
She's still watching

With two tiny
Red Mittens

The Wacko Speaks... 1/11/14 UPDATED

 **** Sometime Unfortunately... I jump the gun before I have all the facts... and from here on out, I will get my information straight from the source... Thank you Jason for clearing things up and being the proud wonderful father you have always been and continue to be.... I apologize for any misconception on my part....****


There are some pretty fucked up
People in this world...
Myself, I try to surround myself
With people who are supportive
People who try to help me in a
Positive way
Instead of what I just dealt with
This evening...

I've found the answer as to why
Kairi's father decided to stop speaking
With me....
And I'm floored by the fact
That he's so concerned with the
Opinions of other people that he
Decided against keeping a friendship
With me because of his buddies
Uninformed and unwarranted opinion
That someone elses view of what he
Should be doing is more important
Than honoring his daughter's memory

I truly never thought I'd see that from him
I believed he loved his daughter more than he
Cared about what other people thought

Perhaps someday,
When he decides he'd like to honor his child
And have an honest friendship with her mother
As she would want for us, I'll be willing...

And then maybe I won't...
Because this one isn't on me...
Not this time...

So saith the "Wacko"

Childhood Memories... 1/9/14

For some reason
The topic of childhood memories
Came up in conversation today
And now, all day long
I have this one moment
That keeps playing in my mind...

The older sister... being facetious of course
Decided to tell her little sister
That her Barbies came to life
Every time she left the room..
And of course the little sister looked
At her big sister skeptically...
And tried very hard not to believe
The story she'd been told...

Until the afternoon she went with
Their mother shopping and the
Big sister... being a bratty big sister
Decided it was time to play a little
Prank on her little sis....
So she went in and posed every one
Of her little sisters Barbie dolls
All over the room...
Some of them sleeping in the
Barbie mansion
Some driving in the
Barbie Corvette
Some even climbed the book case
And were looking at the books...
And when she was done she left the room
Alive with Barbies....

And then the little sister came home
And she went upstairs....
Big sister just waiting at the bottom
Until she went in and....

Her little sister Screamed her bloody head off
And the big sister tried hard not to laugh...
She ran upstairs and saw her baby sisters face...
The fear and shock on her face made her little joke
Seem like a cruel game...
She'd truly scared her...
Because when she walked into the room
One of the Barbies fell over...
Like she'd gotten caught by the little sister
And she fell down dead....

And the big sister
Feeling like dirt
For upsetting her baby sister
Who yes, could be annoying
And yes, could get her so angry
And yes, who followed her around
Constantly...
Asking her to read
"Tommit the Comet",
A book she truly despised...
Told her the truth of what she'd done
Because of the tears and the fear
In her little sister's eyes...

And now....
Things have changed
So drastically
That nothing will ever
Heal the breach...
But I still remember you
And I still and for always
Will love you
No matter how much
You hate me...

You can't take away
The memories of
Julie and Justice...
Apprentices to the Kingdom
Who worked together
In the kitchen
And the mermaids
That would swim together
In the pool
In the back yard...

Or when I was little
And I got to come to the hospital
To hold my baby sister in my arms
For the first time...
This memory plays quite a bit
Because of the last baby I held
In my arms...
Who I will never hold again...

Just like you...

Gone...
But never
Never
Forgotten

Letter to Kairi Alina McGowan 1/9/14

Pencil Drawing of Kairi (Gift to her Daddy)

My Sweet Angel

     I've been trying so hard.... to make myself closed off from feeling anything... because all I want to feel Is you... In my arms
Where you belong
     Instead I feel cold inside... my womb is just another empty chamber inside this body that has become my tomb...
     It's sad sometimes... how people don't seem to see the rage, the anger and the pain inside me... behind my eyes... this decimation that has become my world... this body nothing but a torture chamber without your sweet weight on me... in me...

     I keep trying to remember you alive in my arms... like the first night I had you home from the hospital... how your Daddy loved to hold you! He held you so tenderly, so gently in his work roughened hands... I will never forget that night... how we both had to fight to sleep because we didn't want to take our eyes off of you... how I couldn't let you lay in your crib so I laid you on my chest...
For the first time...

Memorial Tattoo 

And felt your little body burrow
Into my breast,
To find your sweet spot... the spot that for the first few weeks of your life, you slept so sweetly... because I was afraid to put you down. The reason Mommy got the tattoo done by our friends Charlie & Carrie Bloss (who did such a good job in honor of your memory... Thank you so much Charlie & Carrie!!!) Jason, and I are the only ones who have this tattoo, and the only ones who ever will.  It was placed right on the same spot your little head would rest on me when we laid together at night.... Right above my left breast, where I could bend down and smell the sweet scent of your hair.  This gift was one of the sweetest we were given in your memory.... This footprint was taken from your birth ID card... it was done perfectly... and I am honored to have this beautiful memorial forever on my skin...

Big Sister Jillian & Baby Kairi

     Kairi... do you know that your Daddy and I almost named you Kaileigh?  When I told your big sister Jillian she scrunched up her nose at me and said "come on Mommy, there are way too many of those... I think you should name her Kairi... It means Ocean in Japanese"
And that was it...
Your big sis gave you your name...

Momma with her Sweet Angels

Your sister would come see you and the minute she walked into the house she would put her arms out and tell me, "gimme gimme gimme." How the first time she held you she fell in love with you too, and you two were so sweet together!!!
   

Mommy & Irelynd @ 1 Month Old

You also have another big sister... but circumstances being what they are, you were never able to meet her... and she was never told about you... Her name is Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and it's almost scary how much the two of you look alike! Irelynd's Daddy and I agreed that when Irelynd is a little older and is able to understand... I will be able to see her again, and when that day comes, I will make sure she knows she was a big sister and that she her beautiful baby sister is now her Guardian Angel in heaven that watches over her and loves her even though they never got to meet.

Mommy & Kairi @ 1 Month Old

 
     I can't express how much I miss you baby... Sometimes I think that losing you was the last crack my heart could handle... but life seems to be throwing more stones at my glass house... and the walls are shattering around me.
     I feel very lost without you.  I can't sleep without having nightmares of losing you again and again... so I find that I avoid sleep... until I can't stay awake and pass out from exhaustion.  I am trying so so hard to remember only the good memories...

Kairi Excited to See Her Daddy

     Like how we'd take a blanket and go lay on the lawn in the shade and you would watch the clouds with Momma.  How excited you'd get when we heard you Daddy pull in the yard

    How you named your little stuffed Chihuahua "agee".. and every time I'd change your little hiney you'd stare at "agee" and talk to him... How Daddy would help give you a bath but after he made me be the "bad guy" and put lotion on you and dress you in your little nightgown... oh you hated being naked!!!, and as soon as you were dressed and dry, he'd come take you and sit with you and snuggle you until bedtime.

     There is nothing I have found that helps me with this pain besides being able to talk with your Daddy... but he no longer wants me in his life... I have excepted the fact that everyone I love is probably better off without me in their lives right now.  And knowing that I can't see Irelynd yet... and Jilly is having a hard time seeing me since you've been gone..... and knowing that no matter what I do... How hard I pray.... How much I hurt and bleed and tear my heart apart... I will never hold you again.... I will never have back the peace, the sense of FINALLY being where I belonged... In a home, with our little family... Daddy, Mommy, and Kairi... Sir William, Lady Molly, and Sir Liam the Fearless...  I have lost you all... and now I have never felt this empty and cold inside...

Sir William & Sir Liam the Fearless 

Lady Molly

Our First Family Picture

I don't know how I could have survived if it weren't for your sweet Aunt Connie. Oh Kairi, how she loved you so!!! She was there every step of the way for you and Momma... She was there almost every day you were growing inside me... She was there through every false alarm... She waited and dreamed and loved you before she ever met you. She was the one that stayed by Momma's side as she fought to push you out and into our arms, and she was there when you were born... when they put you on my belly and we got to see you finally for the first time... with tears in her eyes and snapping pictures... she was there with us and she was aching to finally be able to hold her sweet new niece.

The First Picture of Kairi taken by her Sweet Aunt Connie

Kairi at 5 minutes old.. Picture taken by Aunt Connie

Your Aunt Connie and Momma Cindy (Dramma to you baby) have given me more love and more hope that I don't have to do this alone... Without a family to call my own... In my darkest moment... I found a family of my own that embraced us and showed me more love, more acceptance than I'd ever been given.

Momma Cindy (Dramma)

Aunt Connie & Kairi

 

Rii loving Aunt Connie's Chest 

Kairi Alina McGowan's First Big Smile!!! Sweet Sweet Angel!!!

 The night I lost what was left of the life I'd had with you and your Daddy... when I was ready to end my life... to fall away... they wouldn't let me... and the night that Daddy put me out of his life, your Aunt Connie and your Dramma came and gave me a new life... a new home... for you and me... They gave me a place to heal and a family that accepts me and truly loves me for who I am... faults and all... something no one has ever truly done...
   

Mommy & Sweet Angel Kairi

I have lost my sweet Kairi... I can't hold her anymore, nor can I feel her in my arms or hear her baby babble talk... I have lost everything... and in that moment, I was given one of the greatest gifts I'd ever been given... A family that truly loves me, the grieving me... the crazy me... the girl who's truly fucked up everything she's ever done and is still alive and breathing for some reason that I can't even fathom at the present time..

Kairi's Hospital Pictures taken at 1 day old!

My Name... 1/8/14

My name is not
Junkie
Nor is it
Slut
My name is said
In dark corners
Because God forbid
You admit to them all
That you know
That whore
That bitch you
Call in the dark of
Night
When you need release
But where are you
Any of you
When I need to heal
When I need more
Than a furious fuck
When I need someone
To help me heal
Instead of bend me over
And take out your rage
On the body
Of a woman
Without a name

Too Much 1/7/14

I think about you
Wonder how you're doing
Wonder if you ever think about me

I usually begin these musing
The moment I try
And fail
To fall asleep
And so here I am
One more fucking night
Trying to find a way
To pass the hours
In between life and
The stale death
I've allowed
Into my soul

Without you

So I do
I sit here and I wonder
Am I ever on your mind
The way you blaze through mine
Do you ever toss and turn
And miss waking up
On my chest
The way your little
Body would fit perfectly
In my arms
The sweet spot
Behind your ears
I would kiss and
I'd inhale the sweet
Infant sent of you
As you snuggle into me
Until that morning

When I guess I'd loved you
Too much to keep you
Or you were needed
Too much to stay

The Fireplace... 1/7/14

The memories of you play

Like a bittersweet melody
Across the landscape of my
Morose musings...
This shell of a woman
That I have become
Is tired
So tired of being
Unable to change
That it's time to say
To fuck with your normal game
Time to get off my ass
And show you all
Just how far I can climb
After personally demonstrating how
Broken a person can get
When the ones she loved
Left her broken
Alone
It's perfectly okay that I
Can't sleep tonight
Because I see her there
In my room
Sitting on the fireplace mantle
Mocking me
Showing me just where nine months
Of love and hope has ended up
In your urn
Pictures of your beauty
Surrounding the
Piece of marble
That holds your remains
That hold my soul

Dirty Girl 1/6/14

I'm tired
Of playing this game
Of being treated
Like your dirty girl
Like you expect me to jump
And ask you how high
Like I'm only good enough
In shadow
Just because I know
How you like it
When the lights go out
Doesn't mean
I don't have needs
Of my own
I can't seem to cast off this
Fucked up
Version of who
You think I should be
In order to reconcile
Your view with
My own
So for now
I guess I don't mind
Being your dirty girl
Being the one you called
When you needed to
Let your demons out
To play
Because someday
You'll see me
For who I really am
And when you do
You'll understand
Where you fucked up...
And when you do
I won't be around
To be your dirty girl

Letters To Kairi... 1/2/14

Happy New Year baby... I sit here wondering to myself if you like your new home... If you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know that you would be 26 weeks, almost six months old right now had you stayed here with us?  I think about that all the time... How you'd be rolling over and sitting up on your own by now... how long would your hair be? Could momma and Aunt Connie have given you little palm tree pigtails by now?
I would give anything to be able to have had those milestones with you.
I talked to your Daddy tonight and the one thing we agree on the most is that we are just as head-over-heels in love with you weather you're here to hold or our angel in heaven.  You are so loved and so cherished that it took your momma a little while to get her head back on somewhat straight... but I've decided it's time to try and put my life back together.
I still have my moments, when I hold your tiny outfits or I sit with your picture and wonder how heavy you'd be right now.  When I can almost feel your tiny, soft head burrowing into my breast... trying to find your sweet spot so you could fall asleep. You looked so angelic when you slept Kairi... That's why mommy and daddy have our tattoo's right where they are on our chests... just above our hearts... right where you would love to fall asleep... weather on momma's soft chest or daddy's fuzzy one... even when you weren't sleeping anymore that morning... when I held your little body in my arms and realized you'd left us in the night when momma wasn't looking... always our angel... always and forever...
I got some very good advice just a few days ago from someone very special... who made me see that what you see when you look down from heaven isn't what I want you to see.  I don't want you to look at me and feel like it's somehow your fault that I am still in limbo.  I want you to be proud of your mommy... and so I'm getting off this tightrope of emotions I've been walking on.  I'm going to try to make you proud of me my tiny love... I'm going to find some way to make your death matter... Raise SIDS awareness somehow... Find a community of people who have lost their angels as well... Find a way to heal this hole in me the right way for a change.
Because I want to see that sweet smile behind my eyes when I battle for sleep at night.  I want to be able to close my eyes and be with you, see you at six months old... because if I can't have you in life.... I will live for the nights I'm graced with sleep...

I will love you
Always and forever
And I will meet you
In my dreams

Love,
Momma

Until I'm Whole... 1/2/14

Falling somewhat short of reality
No way to compromise
Holding onto my impartiality
While all I do is sacrifice

There are no exceptions
In my new set of rules
Starting now with no deceptions
Breaking free from this sea of fools

I am not the woman that once I was
Trying not to be afraid
Praying these words will be
Written on my soul
Taking two steps forward today
Holding on tightly until I'm whole
Holding tightly til I'm whole...

Epilogue 1/1/14

Jason,

So it looks as if you're going to be able to finish this year out with a bang!  Getting rid of things you don't need, spring cleaning just a bit early I guess.

And I just so happen to be what you're throwing away once again.                          
Do you have any idea what that does to a person?  Making them feel like garbage, especially after everything we've been through this past year.  Two weeks before my 34th birthday, we lost our daughter, and two weeks before your 35th, you're ending the last tether to the woman who loved you just as you are, didn't try to change you or ask you to do much more than pay a bit of attention to me in the evenings after you got outta work, have dinner with me and talk out your day with me... to let me in, which you couldn't or wouldn't do.  The woman who carried your one and only child inside of her in spite of the sickness because I knew how badly you wanted to be a father, the woman that loved, cherished, and felt the same agony and despair that you did when she was taken back to heaven; and the woman who wanted nothing more than to heal with you.  I'm sure you're probably thinking that I set out to get pregnant again right after losing our angel, but you couldn't be more wrong.  I couldn't handle the absolute terror any more than you could have, so think again.  I had/have no intention of trapping you or fucking your pristine world up.  You've asked me before, "what do you want from me", and I'll tell you here... in black and white.
Jason, you gave me things that nobody else could have when we met back in September of 2012.  You gave me peace, security, and a place to heal up a bit from the road I'd been on.  Being with you was truly a God send.  I suffer from no illusions of grandeur... I am well aware it wasn't about love back then.  I'm also not pathetic or ignorant enough to believe that the reason you kept me as long as you did was for anything other than Kairi.  For some reason we were put together.  I foolishly fell in love with you... at first because of the physical end and the peace inside you gave me every time I was in your arms.  I fought it at first, tried not to do just what I did... I gave you my heart and tonight you've given back what's left after it was chewed up, spit out, and shattered upon impact.
Perhaps I deserve this Jason.  I did you wrong... I don't deny that there was an infidelity.  Someone who was telling me all the words of love that I wanted to hear from you and they were just as much bullshit as they would have been if you'd bothered saying them yourself.  I believed we'd worked things out and were moving on with our life together and we concentrated on getting ready for Kairi's birth.
The day she was born I met the Jason I'd only seen glimpses of from behind the wall you've erected around yourself... you let it down and you let her in.
And now... you've bricked yourself back up
To shield yourself from letting yourself
Feel this, heal this, with me...
And so I write our
Epilogue
Because you've pushed me away so fully
There's no going back
But I need to take this last chance

To thank you
To tell you that
The child you gave me
Was a miracle
And with or without you
With or without her

I'll continue to love you
For her
Because she wouldn't want to see this Jason
This disaster we've become...
Someone recently told me my child wouldn't want to look down from heaven and see her momma hurting this badly.. She wouldn't want to think she was the reason my life has become so cold...
So I'm going to do something to make it better... with or without you...
I was praying for with
And find myself without  

Worthy 1/1/14

I am not looking for perfection

I'm not looking for someone to 

Take care of me or someone

To take me into his life...

I want to make one

All my own

And share it

With someone

Worthy of my heart

Someone worthy of my love

Because I'm someone 

Who's heart has been 

Used like a whore and 

Thrown out like garbage... 

I've twisted and skewed

My idea of love

To fit into someone elses

Life... 

But this time...

This time

I'm going to make damn sure

The one I give what's left of it to

Is worthy of me

Not the other way around