Dear Irelynd, 6/25/14

I write this to you tonight 

So that you can look back

Someday and know that 

Even though I wasn't able

To be with you today

My heart was

And always is 

Beside you

Inside of you.

You're getting so big baby!

You're six years old now

And I have missed so much

That we will never be able 

To get back...

You have every right

To hate me as much 

As everyone else

And I won't blame you

If you do. 

You are lucky enough

To have a wonderful and loving

Father

A beautiful and caring 

Woman stands in my place

And even though I am

Eaten alive with jealousy 

I also know that she loves

You just as much as I do. 

And I am at peace with that. 

Know always 

That I love you

Endlessly

And completely. 

The moment 

You ask for me

I will be there

Where my heart 

Has lived

All this time

I pray for that day 

Every single day

Every long lonely night

And with every breath

I breathe

I am so proud of you!

Congratulations my baby

It's on to first grade next year!!!

Love,

Mommy

To My Mother. 6/18/14

Tonight you said something

I never thought I'd hear from you 

Something I didn't ask for

But receive with humility 

I once wrote

About how badly

I needed 

Your acceptance

So freely and 

Unwaveringly given

To others

But denied me

But I see now... 

It wasn't out of favoritism

Or because your

Heart lacked the love

I felt from you when 

I was younger. 

It's harder to accept

When you finally realize

You weren't worthy of it 

And won't be worthy of it

Until you're able

To prove yourself

And now that I'm getting 

To that point

I find myself 

Almost fearing

That moment

Fierce 6/15/14

Trying to put things

Into perspective 

Has given me a gift

That I didn't see coming

When you showed me 

Just how hard your

Heart has become

You inadvertently 

Freed me

I no longer have to

Feel this unease inside me 

Thinking that I should have 

Done this

Said that

Tried harder

To keep things 

Together

Not for us,

But to honor her

By being friendly

With you

So that we could 

Have that venue of

Open communication

But as of today

I'm free of this worry inside

That I'm somehow doing her

Wrong by not attempting 

Civility  

She took that worry 

Out of my heart and mind

By sending me another

Of her messages from heaven

One that was unmistakably from 

Her after all that has transpired

In the past few days

After a few truths 

Were drawn into the light

I thank her

For showing me that 

She doesn't blame me 

For this parting of the ways

That has come to pass. 

I thank god she knows 

That I did all I could to 

Keep things decent

So we could celebrate 

Her life together

With her there

On her birthday 

But her family will 

Be present if no one is there

But me. 

I have peace knowing 

She saw it all

And sees that 

I love her enough

To put myself 

Out on a limb

To be the hated one

By others

But a fierce and loving 

Mother

To her

Always

Letter From Kairi to Her Daddy on His First Fathers Day. 6/15/14

Once upon a time

There was a little girl

Who loved her father

Very much. 

The little girl wanted 

Very much 

To spend this day

With her beloved father

To lay in his arms

And feel his love

Surrounding her...

But she was called home

By her Heavenly Father. 

On this day, 

Even though she lays

In His arms. 

She longs to feel

The love of her father

She had to leave down here. 

So this morning 

She sent her momma

A message for him...

My Dearest Daddy,

I miss you more

Than any words 

Could ever express, 

But I want you to know

I am loved

I am safe

And I am always with you. 

Always and forever

My love is in you

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Love,

Your Baby Girl

Kairi Alina McGowan

Righteous Fury 6/24/14

I've heard it said

That hell hath no fury

Like a woman scorned. 

And I've been as scorned 

As a woman can get 

The moment you spoke 

Against the memory 

Of my child. 

Like you have any right

To do so. 

In two weeks

I will honor the 

The day of my

Sweet Kairi's birth. 

I'd offered to have a 

Memorial service

And include her entire family

But it seems my efforts

To have a day for her

With everyone in one place 

To honor her as one

Was just too much 

To expect out of those who

Claim to love her the most. 

There is so much 

That I would like 

To say here

So much that will

Sever the rest of the

Tie that has been 

Stretched too thin already 

By my righteous fury

In the face of such 

Blatant disregard 

For the memory 

Of so precious 

A life

One that I alone

Will continue to

Celebrate

And mourn

With every breath

I take

And every

Milestone

Unlived

Full Truths 6/9/14

When I say I miss you

What I really mean is

That I miss you more than

I'd miss the very air I breathe. 

When I say I love you 

It means I love you in spite

Of every wrong move and

Any feelings of anger, betrayal,

Or loss.

When I say I need you

What I'm really saying

Is that I ache inside

So badly sometimes 

I feel it physically and it

Doubles me over from 

The pain

I miss you

I love you 

I need you

And without you

I am lost out here

Connie Lynn 6/8/14

She asks:

"Will I ever feel

Beautiful again.."

I answer:

One day my sweet

Sister of my heart

You will see

That just because

Your heart has been

As abused as it can be

Has in no way 

Tarnished the beauty 

That you have inside. 

That man could never

Keep his eyes trained

On the brilliance of the 

Light that shines from you. 

A light so bright it's like

Looking into the sun. 

Your heart

Even in your

Darkest moments

Even as broken as you feel

Because of one mans folly

Remains the most beautiful

Heart I've had the honor

Of having in my life...

Connie.... You have

All my love

Always