End Game 12/28/14

So many people
Look down on me
For the things
I have done
And instead of
Playing their game
Of who's better
Than who
I've tried to
Turn the other
Cheek
But I find
That when I do
I miss the swing
Of the knife
As it arc's
Toward my
Back

I'm just tired
Of playing
Of paying
Of fighting
When the battle
Has already been lost
I'm starting from
Nothing
And watching each step
So that my
End game
Can come
To light

And what an
End game
It is

Looking In... 12/16/14

Outside
Looking in
That's me
Always the one
Watching others
Have their
Happy little lives
While I stand
Cold
Allowing the
Winter to
Freeze me
Through

Sidelined
Put here because
I fucked it all up
Me
All by myself
The choices
I've made
Were never taken
Lightly
Never taken
For granted

Until I realized
What I took
For granted
Was Me
Who I could have been
Who I was meant to be
I've finally come
To terms with
The glaring truth

I'm not allowed
To have happy
To have trust
To have love
To have comfort
To have a home...
To have a family

These are things
I crave
Like I crave
My next breath

But things
I'm not allowed
To hold
While I stand
On the outside
Looking in....

The Line 12/5/14

The line
Extends
White
Dissented
On her inner thigh
One of many
Like a fresh
Sheet of lined paper
Waiting for the writer
To begin her tale
Of woe
The scars
From her attempts
To focus
Her pain
Because it becomes
So all encompassing
That if she doesn't
Cut down deep enough
It won't stop
It won't ever end
And now
Her scars
Have prepared
An archive
For her to begin
Her letter
Of farewell
To life
Written in blood
On skin

"You Go Girl" 12/5/14

I have a little something to bitch about... something that's been eating me for a few days now. Something that if left unspoken will eat a hole in me and there are far too many of those already.

I value true friends
I value them to the point
Of calling them family
I value open and honest people
People who aren't afraid to be up front
Honest
People who have gone out of their way to help me
Just as I have done for them
I've kept their secrets
They've kept mine
They aren't afraid to tell me
Just how shit stands
Like a woman
Face to face
Instead of on Facebook
For others to read and comment on
Without knowing both sides
People who value me
Just as I value them
People I would die for

It's for friends like those
I would walk through fire
It's for friends like those
I'd be their biggest ally

I've had friends like those
The ones that become so important
So close to your heart
That when they allow
Petty material shit
To get in the way of that friendship
Are the same ones
That when they decide you aren't worth
Their time or their consideration
The common decency to keep
Your business off of Facebook
Make me feel
I have to reconsider
The friendship
Because people I call friends
Don't put my private business
Out there for the world to see
Because I prefer to keep my dealings
Out of the public eye
And anyone that claimed to be my friend
To be my family
Knows this about me
And decided to completely disregard it
For a few "atta boy's" and "you go girl's"
Because nobody who wanted to remain
In my life
Would do such a thing
Right?