Tuesday, December 31, 2013

Singing 12/31/13

I have a problem
That needs attention
One that surprises me

I still have a voice...
I can still sing
I can still gut wrench
All this hurt out of me
When I open my lungs
And let it go....

I thought I'd lost it
When I lost you

But I was wrong
I am singing tonight
And it feels so good
To let some of it go
With every note
When I close my eyes
And I begin to sing
I know


Resolutions 12/31/13

You don't see you
The way I do...
All of you
Just little hollow paper dolls...
That flitter on the winds
Away from me...
Made up masks of
Of understanding
Of bull shit...
It's all bull shit...
The faces you think you hide
Behind your lip service
Of how much you care
Of how you'll be here
When my thoughts are the

Fucking lies
All of it...
And I'm so god damned
Tired of sifting through your
Of sifting through my own
That I have decided
To make my own resolution
This year

Fuck every last one of you
Who have walked away
When I needed you the most
It's finally on me...
All of it
And I can't wait to face this
New challenge
This new

Friday, December 27, 2013

Reprieve... 12/27/13

Crisis averted...
Thank all that's holy...
I guess pure terror
And good ole fashioned
Stress will stop something
From being that
Wasn't meant to be...
If I hadn't already learned
That lesson...
It's been re-established
Fully this morning

I think Tori Amos
Said it best in her song titled
"Silent All These Years"
"Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
Do you think there's a heaven where
My screams have gone?
I've got twenty five bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there?"

I fully believe
This wasn't supposed to be
And it would have resulted in
Disaster for an innocent child
And he wouldn't have been
Even remotely happy about it...
So I guess it's for the best
And now he can have what he wants

Me out of his life fully...

Fuck the Schedule 12/27/13

I guess I'm truly amazed
By the human ability
To break
To shatter under
The pressure applied
By the power of words
And the aching loneliness of
Being discarded like
You were never good enough
In the first place
To achieve that crazy thing
People look for in life...

Because I'm as broken
As naked
As empty
As a person can be
Taking a knife
To the carotid
And saying
Just Fuck it all...
Because I'm really there
I'm so close tonight
To taking the Joy
Out of Gods little
By finishing myself
Ahead of schedule

I feel just like a rat
In a maze...
I feel badly because
This little critter inside me
Called bitterness
Called hatred
Called rage
Is beginning to claw
It's way out
Before the game
Has ended

Thursday, December 26, 2013

Thwarting God... 12/26/13 (Explicit)

Here goes the raving lunatic again
Unable tonight to get her face
Out of my mind...
Unable to deal with
This new battle
I have to face
But fuck you
This time
I'm going to
Thwart your plans....
I'm not going to let you
Tease me with the chance of love
That no longer wants me
I won't allow you to make me believe
I'm part of something
That I have a family
I'm not allowed to have
They say the Lord giveth
And the Lord taketh away....

Don't I fucking know it

1. The First Lie...

Was giving me someone to love
Who couldn't love me back

2. The Second Lie...

I was told repeatedly that I was
A part of his family...
Until I didn't play by the rules
... And where are they now?

3. The Third Lie...

The beautiful child
The angel you gave me

If there was a message you were trying to send...
Take it from me...

But here's where I get off
The crazy fucking plan you have for me
Because now that you're trying
Now that the life I had
To give me another chance...

I'm getting off the fucking
The ride is over
Find someone else to play with
Because I don't want your
Fucking pity gift



and then you give me another...

I won't give you another chance
To kill me this way
So I guess I have to be the
Killer this time

Death Knell 12/26/13

So what lies am I living on today
What bull shit lines can I deliver
To hide what's really going on
Behind my eyes,
And beneath my soul

I've now spent 3 years
Away from the ones I love
So that I can attempt
To do what's right
And not fuck them up
And the world they live in

Because the one I live in now
Carries only the sound of
The tolling of the death knell
There is nothing left of me
No semblance of the woman
I tried so hard to be

I keep holding on
But I know I'll never be allowed
To bring you back to life
I know that I can never hold you
I can never get back what I
Carelessly and selfishly lost
In my despair...

And so here I sit...
Allowing this season of grief
To encase my soul and what's left
Of my heart in ice...
Unable to see my way ahead...
Unable to claw my way out of
The well of naked rage
I have dug
One drop of blood
At a time...

Justifiable Homicide 12/25/13

The tears fall
Like ice
Falling from the
Inside out
Hitting the pavement
Shattering upon impact
Just like I have
I'm as cold
As a woman
Can get
And now
It seems God's
Having yet another
Laugh at my expense
I've let too much in
And not enough
Comes back
I will not do this
I can not do this
You've taken all I had
And you'd like me to
Produce yet another life
To hand you
You take my children
And leave me empty
And cold inside
And in my weakness
I allowed him to
Use me even after
He'd thrown me away
And you wonder why
I have to do what
I'm going to have to do
It can't happen
I can't allow it
But you can all
Call me a killer
This time

Thursday, December 12, 2013

Bedtime Stories.. ***The Tale of the Lost Girl... 12/12/13***

Once upon a time....
Here we go again...

Once upon a time there was a girl...
We'll start at age 7...
Two weeks before her 8th birthday
Her father walked out of her life
And changed her world forever....

Then we jump to 13
When one night she was just walking home
And she was jumped by two fucking fucktards
Who raped and sodomized her...
Two weeks after her birthday

And then when she was just 19
She had a child...
A beautiful angel that filled her world
With light...
With love...


We jump to when she was introduced
To something called opiates...
And she found ways to escape
The pain she'd held inside
Until it became her reason
And it became her normal
It became her daily...
Until things had to change
Or she'd die, and lose the one thing
She loved
And she did...
For years she stayed clean
And in that time
She had another child
Another beautiful soul
That she loved and cherished


She got sick...
Had surgery
Had chest tubes
Had a pain pump...
Filling her with poison again...
And within a three month span
She lost her entire world...
And it was entirely her own fault
Because she didn't fight
She didn't do the right thing
And make it right for her children
For herself...
She always believed she wasn't good enough
To have such a life...
So she became
A lost soul...
For a year...
And then,
Saw what she was doing and got help...
Got clean...

And then...

She met someone and found herself
Building her world around him
And his life, and his world became
Her safety zone
She was gifted with another
Beautiful life...
Another child to call her own...
Another chance to do SOMETHING right...

And her child...
Her infant...
Died in her arms...
Two weeks before
Her fucking birthday...
She should have seen it
The other shoe about to drop...
And she knows it's because
She was never meant to have
Such innocence and light
In her life again...
And it was proven when
She was cast out of the life
She'd allowed herself
To love

A lost soul once again...
Lost again

And The Rant Continues... 12/12/13

I find myself
Unable to let go of
This tonight...
Unable to justify
The position I find myself
Flailing in...

(And I mean no offense
To the family I love and
Cherish with my rantings
This evening...)

But what the fuck?
I love all these people
Who gave me the bull shit
Line that they'd be there
For me in the aftermath
Of losing Kairi

But most of all
I rage tonight at the God
Who has simply and completely
Disregarded me...
Taken everything I had and loved
And dumped me back into a life
I can't handle or control
Without a fucking net.......

You simply have no idea how badly
I've wanted to end this shit lately
Because I'm failing,
I'm on the high wire and I'm
Going down and I can feel it
In my soul...
There's nothing left of me
If you just look closely
You can see it in my eyes...
I have nothing left to give...

I'm an empty soul
I'm empty womb
I'm an empty and
Vengeful bitch tonight
I could go the fuck off
So it's really good that
I am alone...
As per usual...
Alone, facing another night
Lost in the inferno of my
Fucked up mind...

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

Fucking Lip Service... 12/11/13

Having one of those nights,
Where nothing is going to work...
Nothing is about to stop this
Rage inside me
So it's time to vent
Time to let some of this shit
Go... and get to where it belongs...

In the past 18 months...
I've been a lost soul....
Found a friend...
Mistook friendship for
The possibility of love
And bore a child out of
Said love

And our child
Died in my arms...

And since my world
Shattered again...
Since I've become
A lost soul
One more time...
Where the fuck
Have you been

The ones who whispered
They'd be there...
If I needed someone
To talk to..
The ones who said
I'd never be alone

Fucking Lip Service...
All of you.....

Function 12/11/13

My give a shit
Is functioning fully
On auto pilot
And it seems to be
Because I can't seem
To care lately
About your problems
About your pains
Because you threw
Me and mine away
When things didn't go
Exactly your way
And I don't get how
You sleep at night
Do you wake up
With the screams
Caught in your throat
Like I do?
Do you have the
Nightmares that make
You avoid sleep
Like the plague
Like I do?
I don't think so
I think you function
Just fine...
I think you just put it
Away and go on like
Nothing happened
Like your life wasn't
Ripped apart
Because maybe it wasn't
Not like mine was
Not like mine was

Bedtime Stories*** The Tale of the Broken Woman***... 12/7/13

Once upon a time...

Long ago,
There lived a young gypsy woman
Who's life had been
Many times over
Right along with her heart
She was known in the land
As The Broken Woman...
She had survived a life that
Had left her in pieces
She felt she was almost
Too broken
To ever be truly accepted
By the people of the land
To be liked by anyone else...
A woman who'd become so broken
So jaded, so afraid to believe
In anyone... anything
That she'd locked herself away
In a prison
She'd built all by herself
Around the shattered pieces
Of her heart and soul...
A prison that no one,
Could breach....

Until one chilly October morning,
The young and beautiful
Princess Constance had lost her way
On her journey, and had heard tales of
A mysterious young gypsy woman who possessed
The ability to look into the future,
Into the past, and beyond the veil.
She found herself lost and unable
To see her way ahead
To choose her path back home
Or to journey onward into the

And it happened that
Their journey's met
The Princess appeared to the
Broken woman
Like a blast of sunshine
A woman with such a light...
Such a unique personality
And such an ability to get past
Even the Broken woman's best laid defenses
Without even seeming to try...

They spent hours together,
And within that time, they
Both grew in the knowledge
That a very big moment had
Just passed

Two soul mates...
Lost in this world of craziness
Had found each other...

The Broken woman began
To see life through the eyes
Of the special gift she'd been given
When she found her sister...
Her sister, not of blood
The sister of her soul
The sister who began to help her
Make cracks in her wall
So that she could let in the light
And the life that came with
With this amazing woman
She handed the broken woman
Things she never believed herself
Worthy of holding
A mother and father
To love and respect
The three beloved children
Even her wild
Menagerie of animals... :)

This amazing woman
Opened not just her heart
Her home,
Her life
Her family
Her very world
To this broken shell of a woman
Who did not deserve
To be graced with the love
Of good people like these
And together,
They journey on...

To be continued...

Saturday, December 7, 2013

Irelynd and Kairi 12/7/13

Published on Facebook and memorialized here for Irelynd to read someday...

Irelynd and Mommy
Taking a moment here...
Just found these photo's and 
Had myself a good cry
These are pictures of two sisters
Who will never know each other.
The first is a picture taken in June 2008
Of Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and I,
My second born child
The next picture was taken 
Just back in August 2013
Of Kairi Alina McGowan
My third born child
Both girls were a month old
When each picture was taken
Just five years apart

Kairi and Mommy
Who will never meet
Who never got to know of the
Existence of the other
Before Kairi's passing

How alike they look!

My heart is so heavy tonight with all that has passed
And all that has happened in the past few years.
The pain I have caused and the                                           wrong I have done
                                          To those I love the most is                                                 unforgivable to some
                                          Myself included                                                              
And perhaps I deserve to lose something so special.

But they didn't deserve to never have had the chance
To know each other
To know of each other.
I have given birth to three beautiful children
That have every bit of my heart
With every breath I take.
Until the day we meet again

Know there hasn't been a day that has passed
That you weren't in my heart and on my mind.
Know that I have missed you and cried myself sick
Over the choice I made to back out of your life until you were
Older and better able to understand

Friday, December 6, 2013

Void 12/6/13

Have you ever had one of those moments
When your trigger breaks...
When you find yourself lost
In yesterday
Chewing on what could have been
And what can never be
I find myself here
Trying to fill this void
Trying to find a way
To make sense of all of this
And I'm finding myself

Thursday, November 28, 2013

Thanks-Fucking-Giving 11/28/13

People just don't get it
Normally I troll facebook
And I don't find anyone
Who gets it...
Until today.
Until I read this:

Please do not take offense, these are my random thoughts.....I am NOT thankful today by any means. I hate today. I wish I never woke up today. I am not thankful that my dead daughter is a reminder of how much you love your family. I am not thankful that when we sit down to eat I will be staring at an empty chair and probably vomit on my plate. I am not thankful that I cannot hear Shea tell me how much she hates turkey and rather eat Lucky charms. I am not thankful. I am full of hate, anger, sadness, emptiness, loneliness, fear, rage, anguish, and pain. I am not thankful.

Please Lisa, know that
You're not alone
I feel terrible for what you
And your family are going through
Today would have been my Kairi's
First family holiday
And believe me,
I don't want to face it either...
I don't want to face the fact
That with Kairi gone,
I no longer have half the
Family I came to love
Once again...
On the outside looking in
On his beautiful family
I want to beat the shit
Out of something
Because this pain inside me
Is going to come pouring out
It's days like today
That make you wonder why the hell
They call it Thanksgiving
Because the last thing
I feel today
Is thankful

Saturday, November 23, 2013

Punch Line 11/23/13

Tonight, I sit here wondering
If the joke is entirely on me
If the punch line somehow got
Lost in translation
And I'm waiting for a
That isn't coming...

They say I'm strong
They say I can get past this
But I just don't see it
I don't feel strong
I feel very very
Like this agony isn't
Supposed to end
And it's just a great big
Joke played on and on

So when do I get back
To the beginning...
Where things make sense
That place between horror
And understanding
Because I feel very
Very far from
Right now
I feel full of
Right now
And I want to know
When this game
Will be played out
When do I just get to be
The punch line

Friday, November 22, 2013

Bad Night 11/22/13

It's happening again
This burning I can't
Extinguish by a few
Off hand remarks about
Time healing this wound
This choking on the million
Bullshit words
That are thrown in
With all the other
Bullshit words
That have been heaped
On top of this wound
Tonight I'm having
A bad moment
Where if I was let off
This self imposed leash
You'd see nothing but
The ashes of the life
I've left behind
So I keep myself
Bound tightly
To her memory
So that I can look
Myself in the mirror
Come morning

Thursday, November 21, 2013

With You 11/21/13

Numb inside
Barely breathing
Afraid of the
Heartache that
Ignites the moment
The sun rises
I bury it well
Most of the time
But the moment
The sun dies
The moment
Night falls
The agony rips
Through me so hard
Sometimes I feel my
World just slipping
Right along
With you...

Monday, November 11, 2013

Never 11/11/13

You're never going to love me
The way I do you
You'll never be able to feel
This way for me
Because I fell off my
And I fell hard
Because I couldn't
Give back
The one thing
You always wanted
The one thing
I gave you
That no one else
I couldn't save her
And I know
That deep down
Where you hide
Your heart
You blame me
Because I couldn't
Save our baby
And you don't know
You can't know
The agony I feel
As I lay here
Attempting to sleep
Knowing that she'll
Be there
As I close my eyes
Inviting me to relive
A life I can't have
With all I once held
Dangling from my
So I can lose you all
When I close my eyes
When I see her face
When I lose you
All of you
Every night

Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Screaming 11/6/13

It's so easy
For some people
To lay down
And sleep
To dream
It seems so easy
For you

And I envy you

Because I lay in bed
And I see her face
As she lay
In my arms
And I begin to scream
They come up from
Some secret place
Inside of me
That I'm able to
Hide while I'm awake
But comes out to
Torment me
While dreaming
And I wake to find
My screams are still
Bottled up
Inside of me
Still aching to

Thursday, October 31, 2013

Phantom ~ Erik's Monologue ~ 10/31/13

Again... it isn't very often that I publish the works of others on here, but this is so close to the way I've been feeling lately and the lessons I have finally learned about myself that I just had to share.... so here goes...

"My mind has touched the farthest horizons of mortal imagination and reaches ever outward to embrace infinity. There is no knowledge beyond my comprehension, no art or skill upon this entire planet that lies beyond the mastery of my hand. And yet, like Faust, I look in vain, I learn in vain... For as long as I live, no man will ever look upon me and love.

Now at last I have found the courage to turn away from the foolish echos of human gladness. Optimism, blind hope, pathetic yearnings... I have let them all go, one by one, and I am as content as I shall ever be on this earth, in my peaceful solitude.

My kingdom lies in eternal darkness, many feet below the level of the Parisian streets outside, shrouded in the chill silence of the grave. Darkness and silence have been my companions since the day I chose to turn my back upon the world of men and create an empire that was solely mine.

From the moment of my birth my destiny was to be alone.

But it took me more than thirty years to accept that harsh and unrelenting fact... to understand where peace and resignation lay..."

~Erik's Monologue from Susan Kay's Phantom

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Little Drops Of Rain 10/29/13

Little drops of rain
Have stained the top
Of the desk at which
I sit as we talk
As you calmly tell me
Too much has passed
To ever make it right
To ever start again
And as I start dying inside
All over again
I realize
These aren't just
Little drops of rain
That surround the
Knife in front of me
They're the stains
From the million tears
I've cried
As I mourn the loss
Of my tiny angel
As I mourn the loss
Of the man I loved
As I mourn the loss
Of the family I'd really
Begun to love
As I mourn the loss
Of my hold on my sanity
Because as of tonight
I have nothing left
To mourn
No more tears to cry
Time to wash away
These stains
And replace them
With something
A little darker

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Coming Undone 10/29/133

I can feel the stitches
That I'd carefully placed
To keep me together
Coming undone
Everything I thought
Everything I believed in
Has been a lie
That I told myself
Until I made myself
Believe that I was
More than I am
And it's all been
Laid out for me
Just how things stand
In the scheme of
It all
I have become

Monday, October 28, 2013

Tired 10/28/13

I mean really
I'm so tired of
This thing inside me
That allows me to
Have hope
To wish for
Things to get better
I wish I knew a way
To rip it out of me
Because I'm tired
Tired of allowing
Myself to wish for
A better life
That I'm just
Not allowed to
Of allowing
To hope
Tired of finding
A way to start
And then seeing
It fall
Through my fingers
I'm just tired
Of it all

Letter to God 10/28/13


I seriously just don't understand what I did to deserve this hell in which I live right now... You've taken just about anything I had but you won't just graciously take the one last thing there is to take... My life... And I need you to do something here, because this is perhaps my penance... And if you're making me pay for my wrongs in this life, you need to let me know what it is I did to deserve this... because I just don't see it... I once believed myself to be a good person... I once believed myself to have risen above my past, but you've shown me just how wrong I was... Just how broken a person can become without killing what's left after you got through chewing me up and spitting me back out... and I am... I'm broken... I no longer believe in myself.. hell, I no longer believe in anything but the pain that you've shown me is my new reality... and it's unrelenting in it's agony... it's with me when I wake in the morning and it's with me when you allow me to sleep.  It never ends and I'm getting to where the weight of my promise that I made not to end things myself is becoming almost too much to hold.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Letters to Kairi 10/24/13


My little love
I spent some time today
The way your tiny head
Would fit into my cupped
Hand and how downy
Soft your hair was
The way you had about you
That I could talk to you
And those little eyes
Would look straight into me
And you'd know just
What I was saying
How vocal you were
Just starting to be
How you'd
"Aaagee" and
And shout, your
Sweet sweet voice
Almost a melody
I play over and over
In my mind
How even when you'd cry
When you'd tighten right up
With anger when I wasn't
Quite doing things your way
You would let me know
You loved me
In the way you'd snuggle
Into my embrace
Just melting
Into my heart
The way your eyes,
Your daddy's
Blue, blue eyes
Would look clean down
Into my soul
And for the first time
In what feels like forever
I felt clean
And whole
I had a home
And a family
And a life
And without you
I am lost
In a wasteland that I can't
Be free of
Because it feels my
Grief is like a blanket
That's wrapped so tight
Around me that I'm
Choking on it
Unable to break free
Of this
This pain
That comes
With every waking moment
And when I try
And fail
To sleep

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ready 10/23/13

I am lost
Inside this
That I call a life
And all I find myself
Able to do right now
Is wait...
Because I feel the
Inevitable "other shoe"
Isn't quite finished
Falling yet

You have taken my
You have taken
My hope
You have taken
My home
You have taken
My heart
You have taken
All the good
I had left
Inside of me

And now
You just need
To finish...
You need
To take me
I'm ready....
I'm waiting
And I'm ready...

Monday, October 21, 2013

Two Words... 10/21/13

I sat with you tonight
The memory of our daughter
Surrounding us with her love
And for five minutes... 
You held me
And it felt
Like home
In a way that makes 
Absolutely no sense...

I don' t need flowers
Or exclamations of love
Or even a call once a day.... 
I just need to know
You're not gone
From my life
And tonight
You gave me 
That gift...
You dressed 
My wound
With the words

"I care..."

Not I love you... 
Which is said so much 
By everyone today...

"I care"

Two words 
That have 
Shown me
That you haven't
Just thrown me away
Like garbage... 

"I care"

And there are three words
That I can give back to you
Without malice or hate
Or pain...

"As Do I" 

And with that
I turn a new page
In the story of us
One in which
I pray daily
That means we
Can live apart
But we can
Begin to heal


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sweet Jayde 10/16/13

The smile
I remember
So clearly
Was set in
A frown today
And all I saw
Was a beautiful
Amazing young woman
That I would lay down
And die for
Crying my pain
Onto my shoulder
And my heart just
When my Jayde
Shows me her pain
But this pain is mine
And for you to share it
With me today
Shows me
That there truly
Truly are
On this earth
Because you
My sweet sweet
Are one

All my love to you sweet girl
You can cry on me anytime
I miss you already

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sixty Dollars 10/15/13

Tonight I've had things clarified
So that there is no question as to why
Why I had to leave the home
That I was too afraid for months 
To call home
And was repeatedly told
That I would never lose
This home
The home I spent every waking moment
Of my precious Angel's life in
The home I moved into believing it was
A forever sort of thing
There is no such thing
As a place called home
But now I find 
That nothing
Is forever
Starkly clarified
Why I have to make myself
Stop loving
The family 
I was told I was a part of
The people I cared about
And still do
Clarified very clearly
As to why 
The man I allowed myself 
To love more than I'd ever
Had in the past
No longer wants me
Not that he ever really did
Why he could look at me
The way he did
With such bitterness
In the eyes I loved enough
To beg God to give them 
To my Kairi
So I can at least thank Him 
For that much... 

So when you're asking yourself
Why I'm not here
You can tell yourself
It was all about money
Sixty dollars
That put me 
In my grave
Because now,
I have nothing left
To lose
Everything else has been
Taken from me
So the next obvious thing
Would be my life
But I'm seriously thinking
That I'm going to take at least one 
Damn thing myself
And it may just be that.... 
It may just be that...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Coward 10/15/13

The moment you took your
First breath
They placed you
Into my arms
And in my arms
You took
Your last

If nothing else
Gives me comfort
Knowing that you were
Held and loved and
You knew you were safe
When you left this hell
You left it from the
Shelter of my arms
And the warmth
Of my arms
Were wrapped
Around you

It's nights like these
That undo me
Nights like these
When I wish I had
The courage
To open my veins
And bleed my
Hurts and my
And my blinding
Out onto the floor

But I'm too much of
A coward
But it seems that lately
My courage is building

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Normal Game 10/14/13

I know I'm not an angel
I know I'm not a saint
I know I'm lost in anger
I'm reaching blindly
For a way out 
Of this fate

I show you someone
I don't even know
Someone I built to shield me
From your inability to 
Let me go

I've found a way
To play the normal game
To be what you think you see
Until the monster in me
Claws it's way free

And I let it go
I let it bleed
I let it consume
All the good 
In me

I let it out to play
And it brought me 
Home a gift
Just more insanity
To add to the chains
That just won't 
Set me free

Gone 10/14/13

Where are you today?
I can't answer that
All I can say is where
You're not

You're not here
With me
Where you belong
Your sweet weight
Doesn't fill my arms
I don't have reason
I don't know reality
I don't know much

But I know I miss you
I know I miss the sweet
Sounds you'd make
When you'd lay on your
Blankie on the floor
And kick your feet
And fill my heart
With you

All I know now are tears
And the aching reality
That I'll never hold you
I'll never lay eyes
On you again
Reality that comes
When I fall asleep
Without you beside me
And when I wake in the
Sleeping but never resting
Because I can't come to grips
With the loss of you
Because believing you're gone
Means I'm gone too

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Material 10/13/13

Feeling so lost here
In hell where you left me
Cast off
Like something
Like something not
Worth saving
Like someone
Not worth your effort
Because I broke
Your cardinal rules
Because I dared to
Love too deeply
And too thoroughly
For someone like you
To comprehend
Someone so afraid of
So afraid of himself
Of giving more than
The material things
That you've missed out
On someone so precious
Someone worth your effort
Someone you barely knew
Because you couldn't allow
Not even a child
To penetrate
That shell
That took you years to build
And moments to defend
The night you threw me away
The night you justified
Removing me from your life
Because losing our daughter
Became too much for you
To handle
Because again...
It's all about the material
For you
So once again
I loved too much
And you not
And you've become
Yet another on
The list of people
Who weren't strong enough
To hold
Someone like me
I can't turn my heart on
And off like you can
But I'm getting there

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Captured 10/9/13

Clustering in together
Getting ready for the sound of
The camera
Capturing their image
Sitting together
Capturing the moment
Capturing them together
As they needed to be
On that day
In that moment

But if you look
Just beyond the shutter
You'll see behind the smiles
Behind the eyes
Of all three women
The hell they have
Been enduring
Each in their own way
Each with their own
And only a few
Short weeks

Just behind
The pain
You can see
In their eyes....

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Letters To Kairi 10/8/13

I see you  in my minds eye
Smiling and kicking your sweet tiny feet
It's strange how someone so tiny
Can become your entire world
In just a matter of moments
After nine months of hoping and wondering
That moment suspended in time
When you entered the world with one last
Painful push
You became the center of our world.
My Kairi, my sweet sweet angel
You had the ability to touch the heart of
Everyone you met.
And baby you are so so loved
And leading the pack of your many admirers
Stood your father and I
But I would stand aside and watch the two of you
And I watched your daddy stand taller, stand prouder
Because of his love for you
He cherished you
With every breath he took
I watched you two and it filled my heart with hope
How he would come home early just to be with you
Like the night of your first bath, when he told me to
Freeze, stop and don't do a thing until he was washed up
From his work day because he wanted to help
Because he didn't want to miss a single moment...
A single one of your firsts
How he would hold you out in front of him
So that you could curl your tiny sweet feet
Into his chest hairs so that later on,
I would find them between your precious toes
I would watch you every night... perk right up when
Your daddy's truck pulled into the yard
And instead of spending his time in his garage,
He came straight in the house to you
I'd see you lift your head and turn when you heard
The door open
How your sweet little nose would crinkle up
When you felt daddy's facial hair tickle your cheek
You'd then show us your sassy side
If your daddy wasn't quite fast enough
You'd get upset and get fussy until
He'd gather you up with his work roughened hands
The hands of a man who had spent his life
 Working hard so that he could get to
This moment
When he could hold his baby girl
Gently in his arms
And silently pay homage
To the beauty
Of you
He would hold you until it was time for bed
And then he would hold you some more
Because it was impossible to let you go
So between us you slept
The glue that held us together
The love and the light in the both of our lives

But for me
There is no more light
Because for some unknown reason
You were called back into the arms of the Lord
We were given this amazingly beautiful gift of love
Without knowing in advance we would only be allowed
To cherish and love this gift for an impossibly short nine weeks
Only nine weeks
To be graced with your purity and light
Only nine weeks
To make plans, to dream, to have hope for a future
One in which we had the chance for a little family all our own
But now we see that the Lord
Has other plans for us
My heart is in pieces because
Your daddy and I weren't able to beat the odds
You really were the glue that held us together
Sweet Kairi.
You showed your momma how beautiful
Having a family could  be
And because of the beauty you brought to us
Because of the legacy of love you left behind
I find myself unable to make the destruction of our family
Into a hateful thing.
I refuse to tarnish your light and the love that was shared
Between the three of us,
So now with heavy hearts,,
Your daddy and I part ways
Unable to mend the hurts, tear down the walls between us
And work on fixing what was left of the world
That Kairi left behind..
Baby, I'm so sorry
I could only work on me
I couldn't force your daddy's grief and hurts aside
And make him want to fix this
But I can promise you this...
I will always cherish each moment I spent
Loving you with your father....
But after having you
Perish in my arms
I've decided not  to waste
Even one more day
Trying desperately to give my love
And not receiving it in return

Thank You 10/7/13

Once again, I would like to say thank you

To the person who gave me the information I should have had a year ago around this time. Thank you for no longer keeping your silence as to the issue you reluctantly informed me of today.  I'll do as you asked and keep your name out of it, but again... You told me just exactly what I'd always feared and what I now know to be true.  Every man should have a friend like you... one who won't lie to spare the feelings of others.

Your help is greatly appreciated...


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Piano 10/1/13

The piano
Sits dusty
Long forgotten
In the despair
That has settled
Like a blanket
Over the house
The only melody
The strings have
Vibrated with recently
Are the discordant
Of the woman
Who once played her
With such joy
With such promise
Playing lullabies
For the little angel
Who lived
Inside her momma
For nine months
And spent another
Nine weeks and five days
Charming and enchanting
Everyone around her
Even the piano
Who's strings would
Vibrate with joy
With every cry
Every sweet sound the
Child made
Until one morning
The music stopped
And then the piano vibrated
With a woman's screams
And then the screaming
Became the screaming
Of the sirens
Of the ambulance
That came to carry
The sweet child away
And then there was
Silence that followed
Them home
Without her
Silence that has
Every string
Every key
The only sounds
That resound now
Are the sounds of
Of agony
So silent she now sits
Gathering dust
Her keys and her strings
Unable to be played
Because it seems
That the music
Inside of the woman
Has died with the child

Saturday, September 28, 2013

Birthday 9/28/13

So today's my birthday
But it also marks
Two weeks to the day
Of Kairi's passing
And here I sit
As alone as I'm allowed to be
Just wondering
Where this life
Is going to take me next
I thought I knew what
Broken felt like
But this year it feels like
Fate and karma
Are catching up to me
And it seems I have choices
To make
Do I allow myself
To continue to wallow
In the pain
Of her passing
Or do I take this hurt
And DO something with it
Because I can't continue the way
I've been going
Because this way only leads
To a bullet

Choices choices...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Letters to Kairi 9/25/13


I wake up
Every morning
And my first thought
Is that I should go make you
A bottle before you wake up
And then I sit up
And see all the pictures
In our room and your
Empty cradle
And I feel
Just like
I lose you
My arms ache so much
To feel the weight of you
The happy, smiling baby
Lying warm and alive
In my arms
Instead of inside the urn
In the living room
I feel so hollow
So empty right now
And I know I'm supposed to
Run out and keep occupied
And get a job or volunteer somewhere
To keep my mind busy
But all I want
Is to have you
Back where you belong
Warm and smiling
And in my arms

I miss you angel

Love forever,

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Other Shoe 9/24/13

I have felt you
Getting ready to
For a while now
And somehow
I thought
I could defy
What seems
Like the
Of my life

And I was wrong
So wrong
Because when you finally
Took your swan dive
Into the happiness
I once held
You shattered
Any illusions
I had left in me
Of having just a sliver
Of the happy life
So many take
For granted

She was an angel
She was my chance
She was the hope
That I thought
Had died inside me
Long ago

But you showed me
Didn't you

Friday, September 20, 2013

Cylinder 9/20/13

Stainless steel
Encasing the remains
Of my beloved daughter
Hangs from a chain
Around my neck
And rests comfortably
Between my breasts
Just as she used to
Snuggle close to my chest
And sleep...
Dreaming the dreams
Of the innocent
I feel like she's not
Inside that 
I feel like all my joy
All my happy
All my heart
Is encased in there
As well....
Now resting 
Against the 
Empty shell
That used to hold
My heart

Just a small
Stainless steel

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Letters to Kairi 9/19/13

So today we went to your funeral
Today was supposed to happen so that
We could start saying goodbye...
But damn it
I can't do it.
I can't say goodbye to the sweetest
Most angelic smile, the most adored
Child I've ever held....
And the most surreal part
Is that you were mine
That you came from me
That I held you in my arms
Every day for nine weeks and
Now my arms are empty
And there are no answers
That are good enough
To give solace
No words spoken today
That gave peace
That gave comfort
Because until you're back
In my arms,
Empty they'll

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Eventually 9/18/13

So lost
So numb inside
So ready to just 
From the tsunami 
That has become
My waking 
I had you for nine weeks
And within them
I found what heaven 
Tastes like
And I ache so inside
An empty, gnawing ache
That I just can't fill
Not with drugs or booze
Or with the promise that 
It will dull in time...
That this pain will get 
Fuzzy around the edges
I can't seem to find 
The why,
Because there is no why
You were a gift I just wasn't 
Meant to keep.
Just a teaser of what life
Could be like 
If we were allowed 
To be happy

You left this earth
From the warmth
And shelter of my arms
You died in my arms
I will never allow forgiveness
For this ...
I should have been able
To save you
I should have known
That you were slipping away
That I would lose 
The light inside me

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Kairi Alina McGowan - Bobilin's Obituary

Kairi Alina McGowan - Bobilin, born on July 8th, 2013, brought nine weeks and 5 days of pure love, laughter, and joy into the lives of every single person she ever met until she was unexpectedly called home into the Lord's loving arms on September 14th, 2013.  Kairi's absolute innocence and light will be greatly missed by those she is survived by:
Her proud and loving parents, Jason Bobilin and Breanne McGowan.  Her beloved sisters: Jillian McGowan and Irelynd Waufle.  Her cherished grandparents Robert and Kathy Bobilin, Carl and Denise Rockefeller, John and Trish McGowan, and David and Cindy Brelinsky.  Several Aunts who enjoyed spoiling her silly: Jennifer Vanalstyne, Kathryn McGowan, Michelle McGowan, Melissa McGowan, Anita Sue Nichols, Cindy Fitzgibbons, Connie Tucker, Stacey Smith, Jenny Carabin, and last but not least, Christina Schaffer. Her uncles who adored her: Ed Pierce, Jeff Bobilin, Butch Vanalstyne, Jason McGowan, and Matthew Tucker; as well as many cousins and family friends who doted on her.
Time and date of services to follow as soon as they are available...
Jason and I would like to thank everyone who has stopped in, called, and/or sent condolences on facebook. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

*****Service/Funeral Information*****
Funeral arrangements will be held on Thursday September 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm from the Vincent A. Enea Funeral Service, 20 Bridge St., St. Johnsville, NY, 518-568-7040, with Rev. David Johnson, pastor of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church, officiating. Friends and relatives may call at the funeral home on Thursday September 19, 2013  from 11:00 am until the time of the services. All memorial contributions may be made to S.A.V.A.C., P.O. Box 296, St. Johnsville, NY 13452 or to St. Jude’s Children Hospital, 510 St. Jude Place, Memphis, TN 38105. Envelopes will be available at the funeral home. The family would like to express their sincere thank you to S.A.VA.C., Fulton County Ambulance and the Little Falls Hospital for the care shown to them during this difficult time.

Letters To Kairi 9/14/13

My Sweet Kairi,

From the moment you came into our world... your father and I knew we'd been given a gift... an angel sent to us and we were blessed with the sweetest, most precious baby who lit our lives with your saucy little princess attitude that you seemed to have from your first breath... Kairi, not a day will pass that I won't be missing you and mourning the loss of your light with every beat of my heart.  I am trying so hard now to wait patiently until the day you're in my arms again but I know I'm not a patient person.  I feel like I've been ripped apart and I've never felt this hollow, like an aching void inside of me that will never be filled.
I love you Kairi... and I know that tonight, my first night without you in my arms, while I am here dying inside, you are spending your first night in the arms of the Lord.
So with a heart that's been shattered one too many times to ever be put back together, I send you all the love I have for you.

Love Forever and Always,
Your Momma

P.S.  Grandma Sylvia? Aunt Carol? Please take over for God so that we know that Kairi has a family member that cherishes her with her up there who will hold her and comfort her on her first night without her daddy and I, while we try desperately to console each other down here in hell

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Tightrope 9/12/13

I feel lately
Like I'm just holding
My breath
Waiting for the 
Other shoe to drop
On the world I have
And soon...
My chest will
With all the words
I can not say
And all the hurt
I have stored inside 
Because God forbid...
I have feelings
That don't 
Mesh with what
You think I 
Should be feeling
And God forbid
I act on them
Just like I'm walking
A tightrope 
Once again
A net

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Forum 9/5/13

I don't usually use this
As a forum for my anger...
Yeah right
Who am I kidding?
But tonight I have
A different approach

Because tonight
My world
Fell apart

And I sit here
To reassemble
This absolute

Laid waste to
The fairy tale
I had in my mind
Of a happily ever after
Became nothing more
Than a  pretty little
Bull shit story....

Sunday, September 1, 2013


Feeling lost in this sea
Of bewilderment
Of sorrow
Believing myself
To be more
Than what I really am
Trying to be someone
I am finding
That I'm just not
That I'm not good enough
Nor do I deserve
This light
Finding that I am
Not nearly as strong
As I tell myself
That I am now
Lying to myself
To make this
Gnawing ache inside
Die for just a moment
Just for a little while
To be lost,
Trying so hard
To keep myself
From losing
The peace I found
Peace that is fading
Around the edges

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Ache 8/29/13

I'm sitting here
With you just a few
Steps away from me
And you don't see it
You don't see the turmoil
Inside of me
You don't see
Just how badly
I want to be held
By you
How badly
I want to
Have you reach out
To hold me
How much I ache
To be
Of a man
As good
As you

Games 8/29/13

I am not whole
I am not who I am
Supposed to be
For me
For anyone

I am not clean
Not the type of woman
You need
To help make your life
I will only

I am not sane
Not right in places
I need to be

I am surprised by the
Intensity of my confusion
By my inability to make right
My wrongs

But I see myself
Playing this game
Showing you the mask
I've made to shield
The part of me
I can't show

I'm playing the game
But I'm getting lost
In this reckoning

Letting Go... 8/29/13

Gathered together in my arms
Like an illusion
Like a beautiful bundle of lies
And broken promises
I hold the memory
Of you
And I breathe in
The scent of your
And I taste the pain
I've endured
From the loss of you
And I'm filled with
Such bitterness
Because I know
With every breath
You were brought
Into my life
To show me
That it is possible
To crave pain
To yearn for something
I was never meant
To hold...
But I hold this
I hold you
Hands bloodied from
The fight
Fingers straining
To clutch this chance
But knowing
I'm about to
Let go

Sunday, August 25, 2013

Accepted 8/24/13

So I've found
What I thought was
A feeling
I was supposed to
Only learn
One way
I have learned
How to love....
Without the knowledge
Of what it is
To be loved in return
The way you two
Beautiful women do

To be accepted
Flaws and all
Into the embrace
Of a mother
Born not of blood
But of something
So much more profound

To be bonded to someone
In a way I wasn't sure
I'd ever allow back into
My heart
Because the pain of losing
The love and acceptance
Of a sister
Once nearly undid me

But in these two women
I have found something
I never imagined I'd find

Just plain love
And a love that I
Crave and fear
In the same breath...
One of the sweetest forms
Of torture
Because I don't ever
Plan to lose
The hope you have
Instilled in me

Monday, August 19, 2013

Fourteen Years 8/18/13

Fourteen years ago, on this day
I gave birth to this amazing young woman...
Not a single day passes without my heart
Beating in time with yours my love.

Days may pass...
Precious moments missed
That I will never get back, 
But from the day your light
Entered my world, I have loved you
Every moment
Without reservation
And I will continue doing so
Until my last breath

Happy birthday my Jillian
Know that my heart
Is with you always...

Quilted 8/18/13

My past creeps in
Like a silent stalker
And kicks me in the face
With some glaring truths

First of these
Is this
I won't be free
From it...
Not ever
And even though
I would love to say to you
That I'm okay,
That I'm not broken
That I can be
All that you
Believe I already am
I refuse to lie
To the wonderful
People in my life...
It's like the quilt
You laid so perfectly
On the bed today.
Even one stitch
One moment
And the whole deal
Is skewed
Is able to be
Ripped apart
By the slightest

So I remember
And I relive
The pain of what was
That's stuffed inside
The hope chest
Inside of me
Like that beautiful quilt
Folded up precisely and
Put away
To make room for the new
But not forgotten
Not erased

Tuesday, August 13, 2013

Sleepless 8/12/13

It's one of those nights
When my past creeps in
And shatters
My already skewed
Idea of sleep
Of resting
Because it seems
I'm not allowed to
Put these thoughts
These memories
These relentless wounds
To bed
And leave them there
Because I can't face
This darkness
It seems sleep
Is just another
In my long list
Of illusions
My list of lies
I tell myself
To keep myself
From spilling
My crimson regret
At your feet

Monday, August 12, 2013

Holding On... 8/12/13

 I find myself
Lost sometimes
In this sea of
Disguised as promises
Through the loss of
Those beloved
Through the finding
That I am not the
Lost cause I always
Believed myself to be
And finding it all
The moment
You reached out
And placed
Your tiny hand
In mine....

Makes me believe I can
Hold on...

Thoughts of You... 8/12/13

It hasn't been that long
Since I last saw your smile
Since we last spent time
Just being
Just being
And I'm finding myself
Unable to look away
From the darkness
In me
From the loss
Of you
From the rage
I feel sometimes
Because I'll never
Be able
To just be
With you again
The anguish I feel
Toward life
In all it's agony
From knowing
That you're gone
That you've passed
From this life
Into the next
Without me

That you've gone on
To wherever
And now I'm lost
Without your light

I think about you
At the oddest times
When I'm driving down
The highway
Wishing you were
Laughing in the passenger seat
Like today
Like every day
That passes
Without you

Monday, August 5, 2013

Trying To... 8/5/13

With one look
You make the whole world
Just fall away
You ignite a fire in me
A flame I refuse to allow
To weaken or die
Just holding your tiny
Head in the palm of my hand
And seeing you stare up at me
With the wonder and awe in your eyes
That only a child,
As new to this world as you
Can achieve
Makes me see my life
As it was
And makes me move forward
Into a tomorrow that I never believed
I could have.
A tomorrow I didn't believe
I would ever deserve
And I still don't feel
As though I deserve you
But I plan to spend every day
Trying to

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Jason 7/23/13

While you slept
You put your arms around me
As I reached over you
To take our daughter
To feed her
And I sit here now
Trying to remember
The last time you
Held me
And I so needed to be held
After the day I had.
After the pain
All I know
All I can say
Is that I remember
How good,
How at peace,
How safe,
I felt
The last time
You wrapped me
In your embrace
And I have missed
That feeling
More than I know
How to express...
And feeling it again
Was like an answered prayer
In an otherwise Godless existence
Even though
You probably
Don't remember it...
Even though
You probably didn't know
What you were doing
In the time it took you
To unconsciously
Throw an arm around me
You showed me
A glimpse
Of heaven

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Playing My Hand 7/20/13

I've found that lately
I've been crawling out from
The impression I've been under
So as not to play
This hand too fast
To show you too many tells
Too many ways
To see me laid bare
Trying to keep my head
As I watch you
Opening up to me
Every day more
It seems...
I fall deeper
And I fear
I'm about to
Show my hand
Before all the cards
Have been dealt

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Penance... 7/18/13

I fully understand
That I have been given a gift
In one hand
And a knife to cut my heart out
In the other
I have come to see that
This pain I feel
From missing you
Has been my penance
All along
I have hurt
Everyone I love
With the exception
Of very few
And I am paying the price
For my mistakes
Every time my heart
Gets ripped apart
At the mere mention
Of you
And it's a pain I crave
Like a drug
Because I want to hear about you
About all that you're doing
Saying, and feeling
In my absence...
And I say that it won't be long
Before we're together again
Before you get to meet your
Baby sister
Who's given me such bittersweet joy
Without you to share it with
Without your knowledge of the fact
That you're a big sister now
I know that I don't deserve
Even a moment of happiness
After the hurt I have inflicted
On all of you
And if it makes you feel any better
At all...
Just know that I endure the pain
For all of us
Every time I hear about you
I am undone
Torn up inside
But this agony
Gives me hope

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Together... 7/17/13

Eyes open
Heart in hand
I may as well
Lay all the pieces 
Of who I am
On a silver platter
So as to serve it up
To you
I have given you 
The means 
The weapons
That will end me
Should you decide
That I'm not 
The one you want
Not the one
You want to 
Build this beautiful life
That you've created
Standing beside 
So here I sit
For the other shoe
To crash into
My world...
But enjoying 
Every moment 
With you
Until it does

Friday, July 12, 2013

Letting Go... 7/12/13

Letting go
Of you
Of this
Is eating a hole in me
Letting go
Of what could have come
Out of the destruction
Of what was
Is keeping me awake
Letting out
The hurt
The disillusionment
The only way I know how
And I find myself
To produce the sound
Of this pain
Of this hurt

Of letting you go...

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Last Night 7/8/13

This is very possibly
The last night
I will feel you
Moving sweetly
Inside of me
The last night
I will have to
Hold my hand
On my swollen belly
And wonder
Is this a hand?
A foot?
A knee?
I'll be able to kiss
Those hands,
Those feet
Hold you in my arms
Instead of in my body
And nurse you
Give you nourishment
From my own body
I'll finally see
If it's as I've dreamed
To see if you have
Your daddy's blue eyes
My lips, my chin
As it looks in the
Pictures I've been given
In the dreams I've had
As you lay sheltered
Inside of me...
But soon...
To make your entrance
Into my life
Into my world

Friday, July 5, 2013

Right 7/5/13

What is "right"...
Can you tell me the difference
Between right 
And what is meant to be?
Because I've gotten somewhat
Lost along the way...
Guess my view is somewhat 
Because I don't see
Right the right way
I don't see the wrong
In a lot
My morals
My values
My way of viewing the world
Isn't what you'd call
And I am not ashamed
Of the way I've had to live
My crazy life
I've said before
And I'll say again
That these things
These things you'd say
Just aren't right
Are the wrong that made
Me the me you see today
I've had to fight to survive
In a world that most people
Only ever live in
Perhaps I've always been
Just a little wrong
I think sometimes that the
Wrong is buried so deeply in me
That I'll never really know
What "right" feels like 
But it's okay
I may be wrong 
Just a little broken
But I like the person
I've become
While trying to find the
That emerges so slowly
Out of all the wrong.

Sunday, June 30, 2013

Song Idea.... 6/30/13

There is no going back
To the first kiss
To the first moment
No time to reminisce

Because you've taken all my defenses
You've broken down my walls
You've thrown it all away
With the careless words you say

I refuse to beg
To be allowed back in
To be taken off my chain
To allow my heart
Full reign
I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you

So here I stand
Unable to move forward
Refusing to look back
Standing still and stagnant
Just waiting to feel the pain

Too many times
I've run to you
I've begged to be let in
One time too many
So I stand out in the rain
And I scream

I refuse to beg
To be allowed back in
To be taken off my chain
To allow my heart
Full reign
I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you

I stand out in the rain
Lost in tonight
In this moment of my reckoning
When I find myself unable to sing...
So I scream....

I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you
To be crushed by you

Over 6/29/13

I can not begin to describe
How I feel at this moment
There are things I'd like to say
Things that have needed to be said
For a while now...

But at this point
There's no turning back
No making it better
I told you what you wanted to hear
And you've run with it...
Told you what you've been trying
To make me say for weeks now

And I've said it...
Just to see how you'd react
To the thought
Of losing me
And now I know...

So here I sit...
Alone with myself once again
Pissed off
Heart sick
Ready to fight
Ready to lay down
And let this happen
Because I can't live my life
In this stagnant water
I can't allow myself
To give in to my darkness

And that's just where this road leads
And I refuse to walk it again

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Forever Fuck-Up 6/29/13

So tired of being made to feel
Like I'm wrong...
Like I'm forever fucking up

And I've found I'm tired 
Of being pushed away
Of being told I'm doing 
Everything wrong....

So I'm done
Playing this game
This cat and mouse
Done behaving 

Done being the one
You say saved you
That you're now 
Throwing away

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Keeper of the Key... 6/22/13

It hurts when you see
Just how much
Your actions
Have hurt the ones
You love the most
And I know
That I can't
Make it right
It will never be
The way it was
All I can do
Is show you
How much I love you
And how badly
I want to somehow
Right the wrong
I want to be there
For you
Whenever you need me
Whenever you want me
And even when you don't
I want you to see
That you are as
Important to me
As the air I breathe
Because without you
The air around me
Is nothing but a jail cell
And you're the only one
Who holds the key...

Friday, June 21, 2013

Derailment 6/21/13

There's a darkness
Burning deep in me
A silent stalker
Just waiting for the chance
To come back
Into my life
Even now
When things are good
When life seems on track
I feel the train
To derail
Once again
And I'm fighting
So hard to keep
This train
On the track
But I feel like
I'm just fighting
For nothing
Like I'm lost sometimes
Like I don't know where
This train is going
The path ahead is
So unclear
That I'm beginning
To beg for the
Right along
With my

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Immoral 6/17/13

I am not good
I am not a saint
Nor do I claim to be
Nor will I ever
I have loved
With my whole heart
But I've been unable to
Give what you need
Because I am still learning
How to be normal
How to live in this world
Without breaking down
Numbing out
I have been told that
I am immoral
And that doesn't bother me
Because I am immoral
I've had to survive in a world
That most people only ever live in
And I've had to fight
For what peace I have now
I have never fit perfectly
Inside of anyone's view
Of what life is supposed to be
I only just learned what it is
To be home.
To have a soft place to fall
And because I've had it ripped out
From under me
Because I've been cast out and left
To flounder and find my own way
I now know how precious
How meaningful that word is
If there was a way
I could let you see
Let you take a walk
Inside of my messed up
Immoral view
Of life...
Perhaps you'd be able to see
Perhaps you'd be able to grasp
Just how much fear
Lives inside of me
Just how much filth there is
Still clinging to me
From my past
And now
From my fear
Of the future

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Jillian 6/15/13

I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that has been playing over and over in my mind these past few months because of the new life I carry inside of me
But this story is special to me
One I'll never stop loving
One I'll never stop cherishing...

There was once a girl... only 19 at the time.  Feeling the most amazing life growing inside her... for nine months, she held you right next to her soul, feeling you move, feeling you stretch, feeling everything, every heartbeat.  She knew you'd be silly before you ever came into the world because of a little game they'd play... She called it the "foot" game.  You'd put your foot up and she'd run her finger down her belly and you'd squiggle around and put your foot back up so she could do it again... You'd play that game for hours...
You were dreamed about by everyone who loved you and you were named before you ever came into this world.  You were the joy of all those who loved you before your first breath was even taken.
She woke on August 18th at 3:15 a.m. exactly, and knew it was time... to meet you.... She endured your birthing the way a mother will, all the while knowing that she was about to be handed a miracle, and the most amazing moment of her life was when you came into the world.  At exactly 1:54 p.m., all the pain of birth was forgotten in that one moment... The moment they placed your little body on her belly and you gave the sweetest little squeak... just to let them know you could... and your grandmother set about cutting your umbilical cord... and you opened those eyes.... I swear Jillian, that moment is emblazoned in my memory like no other I possess.  I fell into those eyes and I drowned... And I am reminded every day, when I feel your sister moving inside of me, how precious every moment is.
Because from the moment they placed you in my arms for the first time, and I got to meet you face to face, I got to see what heaven really looked like.  And even now, very near fourteen years later, whenever I feel your sister move, I am reminded of you... And I just wanted you to know that I love you just as much today if not more, than I did then, and I always will.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Response to "Letter to God 6/11/13"... 6/14/13

I just want you to know that I do believe in God (I know you don't, so I'm not trying to change your views) but I want you to know that the God I believe in doesn't allow the kinds of things that happened to you to happen. Any more than he allows good things. I think we each chose the path we would take  for our own spiritual enrichment *with God's Blessing* before we became incarnate on earth. It's the path we chose ourselves, for whatever we needed to learn or ways we needed to grow...and sometimes the most horrible, difficult paths are the most heroic. I see yours like that. Your soul must be a strong and selfless, willing to take on the life path you did, and continue to fight and navigate it, and turn it into something GOOD. That's my take on it...we have free will and God is there  to lean on if we want to, but he won't interfere. Maybe I'm weirdly metaphysical, but I'm still learning and growing on this path I've chosen, too, I think. It keeps going after we die and we choose again, and again, until we reach a point of higher understanding and peace. That's my take anyway, and even if you don't believe in God, I hope that can be a little comforting anyway. 

***This is a response to something I wrote entitled "Letter to God 6/11/13"... I thought it was worth sharing... Thank you for taking the time to respond and for the enlightening view on your beliefs... It has been taken to heart...***

Possible 6/14/13

There are a lot of things about me
That even I don't understand at times...
Something broken it seems...
Makes me feel like I'm just not like
The normal people out there...
I'm something unique
I'm something you never thought
You'd see....

Just complicated
And challenging
And I know there are a lot of things
About this crazy woman that I am
That you would consider...
But I'm a rare breed

I have fought battles that most
Would have run from
And I have come out on the other side
Perhaps a bit more broken than
I would have chosen
But wiser for the breaking

I don't claim to be more
Than anyone else
But I am more than I ever
Thought I'd be
And I'm finding that
I am finally able to see myself
For who and what I am

And I'm liking this me
More than I ever thought

You 6/14/13

It's people like you
Who have made me see
So much about the world
So much about myself
That I never saw
Before I saw me through
Your eyes...

People who have taken
The entire five minutes
It takes
To really see me
To look beyond what
You've been told
And make your own

And I'll be damned
Like me or not
At least you took the time
And you tried to see me
For me

And that's all
I could have asked

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Letter to God 6/11/13

And you wonder why I have such a hard time believing you are out there... You've called someone home who should never have had to leave so young... Who you took too damn soon for my liking and I want to know WHY... But there is no why in all of this... My heart knows no shame, so I don't have any problem with what I'm about to say...
Fuck you
That's right
Fuck you
And everything you stand for 
Until you give me the answers 
I so long to hear
Until you give his family, his loved ones
The justice they so deserve.
I have made many a mistake in my life, Many many many mistakes that you'll have the chance to judge eventually, but damn you, this one is YOUR mistake!  He didn't deserve to be taken so soon... and those responsible for his death shouldn't be out walking around.  The way I see it, you're already a vengeful GOD.... So avenge this wrong damn it... Make right what never should have never been in the first place just once... and perhaps I'll begin to believe in you again... because right now, I don't believe, nor will I...

Falling 6/11/13

I feel like I'm falling
Slowly at first,
Like in a dream
When you were there
Holding me
Falling with me
And now I'm hurtling
Toward the abyss
Knowing that I'll crash
Upon the rocks
When the bottom
Comes up to meet me
You can't know
What this is doing
Inside of me
I feel you all the time
See you smiling
Letting me see
The real you
The one you tried too hard
To hide
Laying in your arms
As the rain poured
Outside your window
But the memory
Of you laying there
Invades every memory
Casting shadows
Of yesterday
Over everything I see
I love you so
And miss you even more
And pray
To my forgotten God
That you have been welcomed
Into heaven
While I continue
To fall
Lost in yesterday

Cold 6/11/13

So cold inside
Since I had to say goodbye
Since I placed my lips on yours
For the last time
And felt how cold you were
My lips have been
Ever since
And will remain so

I have nothing left to give
No more moments
In your arms
No more laughter
I can feel you
Beneath my skin
Buried deep within
And I'll never let you out

But I feel so cold inside
When I have you on my mind
Remembering our last kiss
Before you were laid to rest
All the beauty I found
In your arms
Slowly being charred
By the cold fire inside me
When this injustice
Of the loss of you
Rages inside

On nights like tonight
On nights like tonight

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Changed 6/6/13

Do people ever really change?
I believe I have
I don't see the same person
I used to be
Staring back at me
From the mirror
I see someone who has
Fought and learned
From the war
And come out smoking
On the other side
And looking back
I wouldn't change a thing
Simply because before I fell
Back into the darkness
Of my addiction
I wasn't whole
I wasn't dealing with the
Root of the problem

I have hurt a lot of people
On my journey to hell
And back again
People who will always see me
As the person I was
Instead of the woman I've become
But there are those who's
Love, who's light
Has become a beacon for me
When the darkness creeps in
Trying to pull me backward
People who have shown me that
I have a life worth living today
A life that granted,
Isn't as whole yet as I'd like
But one worth fighting for
One worth sharing
One worth the sneers and the
Whispers behind my back
Because I know
Now more than ever
Since the loss of someone dear
That I am someone worth knowing
I am someone worth
Getting to know
And I am someone
Who was worth saving
Because someday
I may return the favor

A Father's Strength 6/5/13

There you lay
Frozen in time
Your beloved face
You seemed almost

Your father stood beside you
Hand in your hair
Showing you today
As he did every day
Just how much
He cherished you
But you knew
You always knew
And returned the love
With every smile
With every breath

No parent should have
To stand as he did today
To have to see his child
Laid to rest
No pain could be greater
No loss more profound
Seeing your dad today
As strong as he was for you
For all of us
But feeling his pain
Under the surface
Seems to make
The loss of your light
That much more

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Missed... 6/4/13

Perhaps I'm simply allowing
My pregnant hormones
To shine through today,
But I've cried over
The loss of you
All damn day
Can't get you off my mind
And I no longer care to try.

I'm remembering everything
Every moment we spent together
Every time I laid in your arms
You saw me in a way no one before
You had tried,
No one had your vision
Nobody out there had the depth
You had in every thought
In every action
Nobody had ever touched my soul
The way you did
When we laid together
Two bodies, two souls
Attempting to make one
But unable to reach the light
At the time

And so we parted
For a time
Lived and learned a little more
And we met again
After the tides had changed...
And we were able to move past
Yesterdays mistakes
And start a new chapter
In the story of us
Able to move on and become
Much more than the physical
Much more than the mental
To become something better
To become more
And you were...

More than you were ever given
Credit for...
More than the man people are
Bashing right now
I feel nothing but pity
Because they weren't allowed
To know the real you
And honor
That I do

You are missed so much Mark...
So much
You are never far from my thoughts
And never out of my heart
All my love
To you,
To your family
Your loved ones
You will be
Greatly missed
Rest in peace
My friend....