Sunday, June 30, 2013

Song Idea.... 6/30/13

There is no going back
To the first kiss
To the first moment
No time to reminisce

Because you've taken all my defenses
You've broken down my walls
You've thrown it all away
With the careless words you say

I refuse to beg
To be allowed back in
To be taken off my chain
To allow my heart
Full reign
I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you

So here I stand
Unable to move forward
Refusing to look back
Standing still and stagnant
Just waiting to feel the pain

Too many times
I've run to you
I've begged to be let in
One time too many
So I stand out in the rain
And I scream

I refuse to beg
To be allowed back in
To be taken off my chain
To allow my heart
Full reign
I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you

I stand out in the rain
Lost in tonight
In this moment of my reckoning
When I find myself unable to sing...
So I scream....

I refuse to allow my heart
As fragile as she stands
To be crushed by you
To be crushed by you

Over 6/29/13

I can not begin to describe
How I feel at this moment
There are things I'd like to say
Things that have needed to be said
For a while now...

But at this point
There's no turning back
No making it better
I told you what you wanted to hear
And you've run with it...
Told you what you've been trying
To make me say for weeks now

And I've said it...
Just to see how you'd react
To the thought
Of losing me
And now I know...

So here I sit...
Alone with myself once again
Pissed off
Heart sick
Ready to fight
Ready to lay down
And let this happen
Because I can't live my life
In this stagnant water
I can't allow myself
To give in to my darkness

And that's just where this road leads
And I refuse to walk it again

Saturday, June 29, 2013

Forever Fuck-Up 6/29/13

So tired of being made to feel
Like I'm wrong...
Like I'm forever fucking up

And I've found I'm tired 
Of being pushed away
Of being told I'm doing 
Everything wrong....

So I'm done
Playing this game
This cat and mouse
Done behaving 

Done being the one
You say saved you
That you're now 
Throwing away

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Keeper of the Key... 6/22/13

It hurts when you see
Just how much
Your actions
Have hurt the ones
You love the most
And I know
That I can't
Make it right
It will never be
The way it was
All I can do
Is show you
How much I love you
And how badly
I want to somehow
Right the wrong
I want to be there
For you
Whenever you need me
Whenever you want me
And even when you don't
I want you to see
That you are as
Important to me
As the air I breathe
Because without you
The air around me
Is nothing but a jail cell
And you're the only one
Who holds the key...

Friday, June 21, 2013

Derailment 6/21/13

There's a darkness
Burning deep in me
A silent stalker
Just waiting for the chance
To come back
Into my life
Even now
When things are good
When life seems on track
I feel the train
To derail
Once again
And I'm fighting
So hard to keep
This train
On the track
But I feel like
I'm just fighting
For nothing
Like I'm lost sometimes
Like I don't know where
This train is going
The path ahead is
So unclear
That I'm beginning
To beg for the
Right along
With my

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Immoral 6/17/13

I am not good
I am not a saint
Nor do I claim to be
Nor will I ever
I have loved
With my whole heart
But I've been unable to
Give what you need
Because I am still learning
How to be normal
How to live in this world
Without breaking down
Numbing out
I have been told that
I am immoral
And that doesn't bother me
Because I am immoral
I've had to survive in a world
That most people only ever live in
And I've had to fight
For what peace I have now
I have never fit perfectly
Inside of anyone's view
Of what life is supposed to be
I only just learned what it is
To be home.
To have a soft place to fall
And because I've had it ripped out
From under me
Because I've been cast out and left
To flounder and find my own way
I now know how precious
How meaningful that word is
If there was a way
I could let you see
Let you take a walk
Inside of my messed up
Immoral view
Of life...
Perhaps you'd be able to see
Perhaps you'd be able to grasp
Just how much fear
Lives inside of me
Just how much filth there is
Still clinging to me
From my past
And now
From my fear
Of the future

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Jillian 6/15/13

I'd like to tell you a story...
It's a story that has been playing over and over in my mind these past few months because of the new life I carry inside of me
But this story is special to me
One I'll never stop loving
One I'll never stop cherishing...

There was once a girl... only 19 at the time.  Feeling the most amazing life growing inside her... for nine months, she held you right next to her soul, feeling you move, feeling you stretch, feeling everything, every heartbeat.  She knew you'd be silly before you ever came into the world because of a little game they'd play... She called it the "foot" game.  You'd put your foot up and she'd run her finger down her belly and you'd squiggle around and put your foot back up so she could do it again... You'd play that game for hours...
You were dreamed about by everyone who loved you and you were named before you ever came into this world.  You were the joy of all those who loved you before your first breath was even taken.
She woke on August 18th at 3:15 a.m. exactly, and knew it was time... to meet you.... She endured your birthing the way a mother will, all the while knowing that she was about to be handed a miracle, and the most amazing moment of her life was when you came into the world.  At exactly 1:54 p.m., all the pain of birth was forgotten in that one moment... The moment they placed your little body on her belly and you gave the sweetest little squeak... just to let them know you could... and your grandmother set about cutting your umbilical cord... and you opened those eyes.... I swear Jillian, that moment is emblazoned in my memory like no other I possess.  I fell into those eyes and I drowned... And I am reminded every day, when I feel your sister moving inside of me, how precious every moment is.
Because from the moment they placed you in my arms for the first time, and I got to meet you face to face, I got to see what heaven really looked like.  And even now, very near fourteen years later, whenever I feel your sister move, I am reminded of you... And I just wanted you to know that I love you just as much today if not more, than I did then, and I always will.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Response to "Letter to God 6/11/13"... 6/14/13

I just want you to know that I do believe in God (I know you don't, so I'm not trying to change your views) but I want you to know that the God I believe in doesn't allow the kinds of things that happened to you to happen. Any more than he allows good things. I think we each chose the path we would take  for our own spiritual enrichment *with God's Blessing* before we became incarnate on earth. It's the path we chose ourselves, for whatever we needed to learn or ways we needed to grow...and sometimes the most horrible, difficult paths are the most heroic. I see yours like that. Your soul must be a strong and selfless, willing to take on the life path you did, and continue to fight and navigate it, and turn it into something GOOD. That's my take on it...we have free will and God is there  to lean on if we want to, but he won't interfere. Maybe I'm weirdly metaphysical, but I'm still learning and growing on this path I've chosen, too, I think. It keeps going after we die and we choose again, and again, until we reach a point of higher understanding and peace. That's my take anyway, and even if you don't believe in God, I hope that can be a little comforting anyway. 

***This is a response to something I wrote entitled "Letter to God 6/11/13"... I thought it was worth sharing... Thank you for taking the time to respond and for the enlightening view on your beliefs... It has been taken to heart...***

Possible 6/14/13

There are a lot of things about me
That even I don't understand at times...
Something broken it seems...
Makes me feel like I'm just not like
The normal people out there...
I'm something unique
I'm something you never thought
You'd see....

Just complicated
And challenging
And I know there are a lot of things
About this crazy woman that I am
That you would consider...
But I'm a rare breed

I have fought battles that most
Would have run from
And I have come out on the other side
Perhaps a bit more broken than
I would have chosen
But wiser for the breaking

I don't claim to be more
Than anyone else
But I am more than I ever
Thought I'd be
And I'm finding that
I am finally able to see myself
For who and what I am

And I'm liking this me
More than I ever thought

You 6/14/13

It's people like you
Who have made me see
So much about the world
So much about myself
That I never saw
Before I saw me through
Your eyes...

People who have taken
The entire five minutes
It takes
To really see me
To look beyond what
You've been told
And make your own

And I'll be damned
Like me or not
At least you took the time
And you tried to see me
For me

And that's all
I could have asked

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Letter to God 6/11/13

And you wonder why I have such a hard time believing you are out there... You've called someone home who should never have had to leave so young... Who you took too damn soon for my liking and I want to know WHY... But there is no why in all of this... My heart knows no shame, so I don't have any problem with what I'm about to say...
Fuck you
That's right
Fuck you
And everything you stand for 
Until you give me the answers 
I so long to hear
Until you give his family, his loved ones
The justice they so deserve.
I have made many a mistake in my life, Many many many mistakes that you'll have the chance to judge eventually, but damn you, this one is YOUR mistake!  He didn't deserve to be taken so soon... and those responsible for his death shouldn't be out walking around.  The way I see it, you're already a vengeful GOD.... So avenge this wrong damn it... Make right what never should have never been in the first place just once... and perhaps I'll begin to believe in you again... because right now, I don't believe, nor will I...

Falling 6/11/13

I feel like I'm falling
Slowly at first,
Like in a dream
When you were there
Holding me
Falling with me
And now I'm hurtling
Toward the abyss
Knowing that I'll crash
Upon the rocks
When the bottom
Comes up to meet me
You can't know
What this is doing
Inside of me
I feel you all the time
See you smiling
Letting me see
The real you
The one you tried too hard
To hide
Laying in your arms
As the rain poured
Outside your window
But the memory
Of you laying there
Invades every memory
Casting shadows
Of yesterday
Over everything I see
I love you so
And miss you even more
And pray
To my forgotten God
That you have been welcomed
Into heaven
While I continue
To fall
Lost in yesterday

Cold 6/11/13

So cold inside
Since I had to say goodbye
Since I placed my lips on yours
For the last time
And felt how cold you were
My lips have been
Ever since
And will remain so

I have nothing left to give
No more moments
In your arms
No more laughter
I can feel you
Beneath my skin
Buried deep within
And I'll never let you out

But I feel so cold inside
When I have you on my mind
Remembering our last kiss
Before you were laid to rest
All the beauty I found
In your arms
Slowly being charred
By the cold fire inside me
When this injustice
Of the loss of you
Rages inside

On nights like tonight
On nights like tonight

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Changed 6/6/13

Do people ever really change?
I believe I have
I don't see the same person
I used to be
Staring back at me
From the mirror
I see someone who has
Fought and learned
From the war
And come out smoking
On the other side
And looking back
I wouldn't change a thing
Simply because before I fell
Back into the darkness
Of my addiction
I wasn't whole
I wasn't dealing with the
Root of the problem

I have hurt a lot of people
On my journey to hell
And back again
People who will always see me
As the person I was
Instead of the woman I've become
But there are those who's
Love, who's light
Has become a beacon for me
When the darkness creeps in
Trying to pull me backward
People who have shown me that
I have a life worth living today
A life that granted,
Isn't as whole yet as I'd like
But one worth fighting for
One worth sharing
One worth the sneers and the
Whispers behind my back
Because I know
Now more than ever
Since the loss of someone dear
That I am someone worth knowing
I am someone worth
Getting to know
And I am someone
Who was worth saving
Because someday
I may return the favor

A Father's Strength 6/5/13

There you lay
Frozen in time
Your beloved face
You seemed almost

Your father stood beside you
Hand in your hair
Showing you today
As he did every day
Just how much
He cherished you
But you knew
You always knew
And returned the love
With every smile
With every breath

No parent should have
To stand as he did today
To have to see his child
Laid to rest
No pain could be greater
No loss more profound
Seeing your dad today
As strong as he was for you
For all of us
But feeling his pain
Under the surface
Seems to make
The loss of your light
That much more

Tuesday, June 4, 2013

Missed... 6/4/13

Perhaps I'm simply allowing
My pregnant hormones
To shine through today,
But I've cried over
The loss of you
All damn day
Can't get you off my mind
And I no longer care to try.

I'm remembering everything
Every moment we spent together
Every time I laid in your arms
You saw me in a way no one before
You had tried,
No one had your vision
Nobody out there had the depth
You had in every thought
In every action
Nobody had ever touched my soul
The way you did
When we laid together
Two bodies, two souls
Attempting to make one
But unable to reach the light
At the time

And so we parted
For a time
Lived and learned a little more
And we met again
After the tides had changed...
And we were able to move past
Yesterdays mistakes
And start a new chapter
In the story of us
Able to move on and become
Much more than the physical
Much more than the mental
To become something better
To become more
And you were...

More than you were ever given
Credit for...
More than the man people are
Bashing right now
I feel nothing but pity
Because they weren't allowed
To know the real you
And honor
That I do

You are missed so much Mark...
So much
You are never far from my thoughts
And never out of my heart
All my love
To you,
To your family
Your loved ones
You will be
Greatly missed
Rest in peace
My friend....

Sunday, June 2, 2013

Markus's Song.... 6/2/13

Driving home at 4 am....
I had this song come on the radio
And I knew it was you....
You told me it was your song.... 
You told me it was 
Perfectly written just for you
So I sat there.... 
Remembering the last time I saw you
When we went song for song
And we talked for hours...

And I started to cry
And with each tear that fell
I spoke to you
Telling you that I knew you'd 
Just come to me
I felt you there
Letting me know that you're 
Okay now... 
Letting me say goodbye
To a dear friend
Someone I will miss dearly
Because you and I just "clicked"
You were more than just my friend
You knew what I was going through
I knew what you were going through
And we were able to talk on a level
Most people who haven't lived
As far on the edge as we did
Will never understand

But you did....
You got me
I got you
And like you always said
We just "Clicked"

Thank you for letting me know
That you're okay now...
That you've got no more pain...
No more turmoil in your soul
As you did while you were here
For letting me feel the peace
You now possess.... 

It gives me hope....
And shows me
As you always said
"Stay on the road you're on 
Baby girl...." 
"You have the strength inside you 
To fight this monster"

And after what happened to you....
I now believe it....
I can overcome this 
Because you came to me
And you showed me
That you loved me 
As I loved you
And I have peace now.... 

Thank you Mark....
I sat and listened to that song
And it was almost as though
It called you to me...
And one more time
At 4 am
I got to sit beside you
And go song for song...
You played me yours,

And now it's my turn...

Saturday, June 1, 2013

Outrage 6/1/13

I can't seem to grasp
To understand the intent
Behind the blind betrayal
Of someone like you
My friend...
Someone who let me in
Who gave me an open invitation
To show me the man
Behind the mask
And you were a maze of mystery
To me...
So much passion
So much truth
The heart inside the
Facade you portrayed
To the world
Like a puzzle
The pieces of which were so
Intriguing to me

And knowing that you're gone
You've moved on to a
Higher plane of existence
Fills me with
Such awe

But also such outrage
At the injustice done to you
The way you were taken from us
With complete disregard for the
Man you were trying so hard to be

At those who would lead someone
Already on the edge,
And tempt him in to oblivion
And then poison him....

Take away this man
You never really knew
Who would have amazed you
Had you dared to look further
Than your own selfish needs....
Your day will come...
And it will come soon...

But all that's left
Are the memories
I hold dear to my heart
Of someone who let me in
Who allowed me entrance
Into his soul
And who's light
I will carry
In my heart

M.D. RIP 5/31/13