Friday, November 30, 2012

Eviction Notice 11/30/12

I've come to realize
That I'm not her
I'm not the girl
I used to be

I don't follow
In her faltering

I still have
Her nightmares
I still live
With her regrets
And her sorrows
But she no longer
The person
I am now

I've come to realize
I deserve better
And better is within reach
But her fears
Still haunt me

Her unwillingness
To deal with her past
The way she should
Instead of finding
The first
Un-calloused vein
To ride the lightning
Back into oblivion

But I'm sick of her shit
Sick of the feeling that
She's not good enough
To have happiness
Not good enough
To fight for a life
On the flip side
Of addiction and insanity

I'm sick of it
And I've decided
It's time to pack up
Her shit, her issues
And throw the bitch out

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Letter To My Rapist 28 11/29/12

It's been years
Since I woke up
An inch away
From screaming
At the memory of
What you did to me

And tonight I feel
Just like I relived
Your introduction
To depravity
To insanity

 I feel just like
You just finished
Hammering away
My innocence
Shredding my virginity
Leaving me burning
From your violence
And the alcohol
That was in your mouth

Why can't I just forget
Why can't you just take
Memories like this
And give them back
To their makers?

I didn't ask for
You to take me
The way you did
That night
All those years ago
And I don't ask you
To rob me of what
Little solace I have
In sleep

So stay the fuck
Out of my head
You're just as
Unwelcome there
As you were
The night you raped me

Antithesis 11/28/12

This ray of light
This little ball of hope
That tries to grow in me
In spite of the darkness
I wear like a badge
On my chest

You're changing
So much in me
You're showing me
An entirely new
Of the myth
Called love

You encompass
So much of this
New person that I'm
Bringing into reality
This new me
That is the complete
Of all I've been
Of all I believed
I'd ever be

You've shaken my
You've taken me and
Shown me the
Flip-side of what I
Believed of myself
And I find I'm liking
Your definition
Of this me more
Than I ever believed

Because the girl
You put your hand out to
You allowed on the back
Of your motorcycle that night
Was never meant to find
Someone as good as you
Never supposed to find
Another ounce of good
Of happy
Of light

You are
My antithesis

*Antithesis-   is a counter-proposition and denotes a direct contrast to the original proposition. In setting the opposite, an individual brings out a contrast in the meaning.  (definition from Wikipedia) 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Heartbeat 11/27/12

My brain will not shut up
I swear I feel like I'm imploding...
It's like a web of deceit I can't
Shake off...

I keep lying to myself
Telling myself I'm where
I'm supposed to be
I'm on the right path

So why do I feel
Like I'm burning
Like I'm coming
Apart at the seams...
Like all the new found
Is just slipping through
My fingers

Like I'm always
Looking in
But never
With every breath
I take
That I don't belong

If the devil has his way
I'd be back down in
The hole I created
In hell
Just for me
If the devil has his way
If the devil has his way

I keep trying...
But I feel like my soul
Is too late to save..
I feel the darkness
Creeping in again
And I start to fear
What the light
Will reveal

Will it show you
Just how depraved
A person I've been
How low
I've allowed myself
To fall..

Will it show you
Just what secrets
I hide
In the darkness
Of my soul...

Will it show you
The blood
Out of me
With every

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Unworthy... 11/27/12 EXPLICIT

I don't think you see
Just what you do inside of me
When you come home
And you touch me
For the first time
Since you kissed me
Sweetly on the corner
Of my mouth
When you thought 
I was still sleeping 
This morning...

You don't see
What happens inside of me
When your hands
Roam my body
Like you're 
Reacquainting yourself
With every inch
Of me

And when you take me
You lead me to your bed
And you set me on fire
With every touch
When I have your 
Skin on mine
And I can feel your
Passion build
I can feel you
Breaking in
Breaking down the walls
I've erected around my 
With every movement 
You make inside of me
With every moment
I let my aching need 
For you build
You're tearing me apart
With the love we make
In that moment just before
We fall over the edge 
Of oblivion
You capture
My soul

And you don't see it
You don't look at me
Like I do
You make me feel whole
And clean
And I don't know how to
Deal with it.
Because I'm not whole
Because I'm not good 
I'm just not
What you think you see

But in that moment
When your eyes meet mine
And you fill me
You show me a world
I never imagined
And I wish I could feel
That way
All the time.... 

Like I'm not a broken
Child's toy
Laying on the floor
Beyond hope
Of redemption...

Jilly 11/27/12

I sit here
Thinking about you
All the time
Missing you
Wishing I could
Call you in
From your bedroom
Set you on my lap
In the red chair
And rock you
In my arms
Just like I used to
You may be older
But everyone
Needs to be held

You've grown
Into such
An amazing
Young woman
So full of light
And so full of
I'm on the outside
Looking in
Wishing with
Every thing inside of me
That you were here
Or I was there
Or that we were anywhere
But where we are...

I miss you
So much right now
That I feel myself
Wanting so badly to just
 Scoop you up
And run like hell
But I know
The ball
Is in your court
So all I can say
Is I'm here...
I'll always be here
Ready and willing
To hold you
In my arms
Once again

Rambling 11/27/12

The reality
Of my situation
Hits me
And I find myself
Desperately searching
For a new way
To cover my mistakes
To conceal the lies
And the agony
Of knowing
Your breath on my skin
Is just a shadow away
Your eyes see me
When no one else does
You know
But you don't understand
What you're seeing
But you will...

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Darkness 11/24/12

Do you know
What it feels like
To fear the light?
To wake up every day
And wish you could just
Shut off the bright
Shut out the happy and
Stay happy in the black
Where no one sees
Where no one knows

Coming into the light
Hurts so much
Because they see it
They all know
But refuse to acknowledge
The filth
That still covers me
Like a blanket
I can't shake off
I can't fold up and put away

So for now
I'm choosing to stay
Enclosed in darkness
Because the night
Understands me
My insanity
You don't see me bleed
In the darkness
You don't see
The self destruct button
I press just as you fall asleep

You don't see it
But I feel it
Just under my skin
Where the scars still hide
You may not see them anymore
But I feel them every day
I remember
And I've shrouded it all
In the black
In the back
Of my soul

Where my insanity
Screams like a benediction
Just waiting
For the light
To lead it out

Sometimes 11/24/12

I feel so empty
So weak
So completely
Just like a shell
A dried up
Empty husk
So completely unwilling
To allow more pain inside
That I've begun
Hiding from life
From the things I see
From the lessons
I learned
Along the way here
My journey is not finished
But the path is so unclear
I'm trying to find
New ways to deal
With all I am
And all I've been
Without resorting
To my usual
But sometimes
Just sometimes
When I'm alone
Like now
I remember
How it felt
To tie off
To insert that
Under my skin
Searching for a vein
Straight into oblivion
And finding it
Was heaven
And hell
All wrapped into
One great big ball
Of agony
Of sweet numbness
Of complete and utter
One more
Hole to climb out of
One more
Hole I dug myself into
And I know
If I fall this time
There will be
No peace
No coming back
From all that I'll lose

But sometimes...
Just sometimes...

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks 11/22/12

So today I'm supposed to write about
All the things I'm thankful for
One thing I can think of is this
I'm thankful that I'm not
Spending today
With you
And yours
That I don't have to sit
Across from you and
Hear how no fucking good I am
To you all
I don't have to listen to your
Fake bull shit about how
Proud you supposedly are
That I've risen above my addiction
One more time
While you talk about
What a piece of shit you consider me
Directly behind my back if possible.
I'm thankful that I don't have
To play your game this year
That I don't have to make nice
So that's one thing I'm
Giving thanks for
This year

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Knowing 11/21/12

Ten minutes
That's all it would take
To reunite two lost souls
To bring two hearts
Back into the light
Her light
She's only ten minutes
Away from my arms
At this moment
She's only a few
Heartbeats away
And I can't reach her
I can't hold her
Something is always
Standing in the way
Almost like
They don't want us
To heal
They don't want
Us to find each other
In this mess
I've admittedly made
Perhaps this is part
Of my penance
My only solace in this
Is in the knowing...
Knowing we're standing
Under the same sky
Looking at the same stars
Hearts reaching out for
Each other
At least I know
She wanted me
She asked for me
And no matter who stands
In the way
You can't take away
The knowing

Repugnant 11/21/12

That's how you make me feel
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I change
You're able to strip
Me down to
The dirty little whore
The filthy fuck
You believe me to be

I'm so tired
Of being staked out
Naked and unwilling
To give you what you want
To become the
Person I used to be
Just one more time

So I'm going to put it
Like this...
The one good thing I've done
Is kill that bitch
The tramp I used to be
Gagged the gypsy
Taken the empty slut
I was then
And I'm trying
To fill her with better
Than what you've always
Believed about me

But it takes just a few words
Especially from your mouth
Just a few careless sentences
And you're able to put me
Right back
In the place
You believe
I belong

But this time
I refuse to let go
Of my hard won
I refuse to allow
You license to
Rent space
In my head
In my heart

W.T.F. 11/21/12

Okay, so the question today is this:
What the living fuck
Have I done
To deserve
This alienation
I know that I am
A class A fuck up
That I chewed up
All the good
In my life
And  I spit it out
And left it broken

But by God,
I'm not that girl anymore

I know I deserve to be punished
For the wrong I did to my children
But I don't deserve
To be alienated
Once again
From a holiday
One damn day
That I could spend
With my angels
One damn day
To show them that
I've changed
That I'm not the monster
I've been made out to be

Looks like another day
I can stand on the outside
And look in
At a life
That I am not
Allowed to

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Aching 11/18/12

Can someone tell me
How you stop dreaming
For something better to take place
Can you tell me
How you forget
What it's like to want
I'm so sick
Of aching
With the need
To have more than
What I deserve
I'm tired of trying
To believe
I can be better
Than this shell
Of a woman
I'm sick
Of the lump
In my throat
That grows bigger
Every god damn day
That I try to
Loved too much
But not enough

I'm too much
But not ever enough

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Is It? 11/17/12

So this is how it feels
To live
An unfulfilled life
One where
All your dreams are lies
And all you cherished is
Lost to you.

So this is how it tastes
The bitterness
Of regret
The agony
Of despair
The searing pain
Of loss
With the twist
Of the knife blade
I call love

So this is fear
Of what you can not touch
Without causing
An avalanche of
To bury myself

So this is the knowledge
That I am not worthy
Not even close
To the normalcy
Of what you and yours
Have achieved
And I never will be

So this is pain
Without the numbness
Of heroin
This is what I fought
To achieve?
This is what made sobriety
Worth it?
Is it?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Bully 11/16/12

She walks
Slowly through the night
Barefoot and beautiful but
Broken and bleeding
From a million
Tiny wounds
Inflicted by
Their careless

She can look in the mirror
And see just what they all say
She used to be pretty
Before the insults
Became more than she
Could bear
Now she sees
What they all say
And it kills her
Just a little more
Every day

She used to wake and look
Forward to her day
She loved learning and she loved
The silly moments with her friends
Until the silly moments stopped
And they turned from friends
To vicious bitches
Bent on destroying someone
Better than them
Prettier than them
Someone with more going for her
Than they ever knew
But they'd see
Soon enough

She walks slowly down the tracks
Barefoot and beautiful
Covered in the blood and tears
Of those who did her wrong
They never knew
What they'd awakened
With their hate
Never imagined
She'd want revenge
Before she turned off all
The lies, all the hurt
She can see the light approaching
And all she sees
Is beauty
They can't take from her

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Awakening 11/15/12

My love for you
Is endless
Something that nobody
Can take from us
Something that can't be
Or ignored
A bomb
That if put in the right hands
Could ignite the epiphany
The awakening
Of so much more
So much that it could
Drown us both
In it's wake

My love for you
Is cherished
Is guarded
Is put so high up and away
From the eyes of the world
Eyes that would choose to
Tarnish the sweetness
Embitter the taste
That could make something
So priceless
Feel dirty
And I refuse to allow
Such people
Access to such beauty

You are the light
The music
In my soul

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Jason VII 11/13/12

I don't think you
What the gift
Of your love
Has done
For the shattered
Life I have lived
Until now
Until you

For the first time
I feel like I'm
A part of more
Than just my pain
More than just
My mistakes

You have opened
A new door
For me and helped me
Cross a threshold
I didn't dare to believe
In my world
Of dysfunction
From whence I came
You've shown me
How good the light
Can feel
Before you there was
Only darkness
Only the deep well
Of nothingness
I thought was where
I belonged
Until you

Until the day
You showed up
On your steel horse
And gallently
Showed me
Every day since
How to live
How to love
How to let go
And feel again

Sometimes I think
You captured
The wrong girl
And that this
Taste of heaven
Will be ripped
Out from underneath
My feet
Because you are
Everything I've always
And the one thing
I fear the most

You've shown me a life
I know
I don't deserve
But one that
Because of your love
Because of your acceptance
Because of your goodness
Because of your light
Because of your belief in me
I will fight like hell
To keep
Because until I met you
I had nothing
And no one
And fought to keep
Things that way
Until you Jason
Until you

Monday, November 12, 2012

Kari Sue Fitzgibbons/Hampson 11/11/12

I remember you
From my childhood
As all I ever aspired to be
I wanted so badly 
To grow up
And to be 
Just like you

You never failed
To make me feel
To show me
How to feel 
On the inside first
And foremost
Where it counted 
The most

I lost that lesson
Along the broken road
I've called home
For so damn long
That I almost forgot
My own name
My own face
No matter how long
I stared into the mirror
Looking for sanity
Amid the complete
Of my existence 

All that I loved
All that I once held dear
Very sweetly
Turned away
When I needed them 
The most
But you need to know
I held the memory
Of you 
In a strangle hold
And refused to let go
Of the memories
Of the moments we shared
All the while I was
Working so hard 
On losing me
Along with all hope
Of a future 
Right along with  
Everyone I loved
And lost

I swear, 
I thought I'd completely 
Any chance
I may have had
To have you
Come into my life again
So when the night came
That the phone rang
And your beautiful voice
Caressed my soul
With a simple "hello"
From my childhood idol
My teenage image of awesomeness
My twenty's version of a real woman
My junkie's view of what I'd never achieve
To today's fear of rejection and heartache....

Kari, you are no longer
The person I view as perfection
Because now that I'm a big girl
And I've walked this broken road alone
And learned the lessons that my life
Has desperately tried to teach me
I know now that no one is perfect... 
We all make mistakes
Even childhood idols
So I've taken you down off the 
Platform of perfection
And I've placed you in this new 
Category that I've created
Because it fits how I see you now
More than any other
So I've got you filed cousin, soul sister, 
I now have you listed 
As one of my
Saving Graces 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Hollow Inside... 11/8/09

So tired of always waiting.
I’m yearning for something better,
Something more than I deserve.
Something more that makes me
Ache inside
So tired of always waiting…
Waiting for you to see me
Waiting for you to hear me
Hiding my screams inside
I ache inside….
Feeling like my heart
Is being crushed underneath
Your boot.
You just look at me and
Leave... again.
You don't see
You don't want to see...
I'm already dead inside.
I'm already gone.
I'm just hollow...
Knowing that you'll
Never fill me again.
You'll never ache for me
I know you're done...
So just let me go...
Tell me
Tell me it's over.
So I can move on..

It's Called Letting Go... (June of 2008)

June 1, 2008
Its called letting go.
It’s called moving on.
You can tell yourself a thousand times
That you have to let go of what’s hurt you in the past
And move on with today.
Live for tomorrow and all that shit…
I guess I have trouble with moving on.
I hold on to my hurts so hard sometimes
That when I finally try to let go
My fingers feel like they’ll be permanently clenched together.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here.
Let go of some shit and try to move on.
I just don’t know where to start.
I talked to my sister last night and I told her about the white noise.
Lately I seem to be wading through a pool of it.
Just like I jumped into the snow on the television and I’m floating.
I’m not processing anything.
I’m just letting life go on without me.
I can’t really remember when it started, but I know it’s been there for a long time.
I realized recently that I don’t hear music inside me anymore.
I don’t get joy out of it anymore.
I've been trying to tell myself that I’m not going to allow myself to be belittled anymore.
That there’s nothing worthless about me.
That I deserve to feel right inside.
I've been told that I don’t do anything right for so long now that
I don’t know what I’d do with myself if someone actually praised something I have done…
Yeah, I stopped using drugs, but hey, there really wasn't a choice there.
It was stop, loose your baby, or die. Gee, the choices….
So I stopped.
I've been clean for four years, and I know I should feel more pride in it,
But I don’t.
I really think I’m loosing the ability to feel much of anything anymore.
I’m tired of the bitterness I carry inside of myself.
I don’t want to be my mother someday.
I don’t want to blame someone else for my insecurities.
I can sit here and remember who I used to be,
The things I used to love
And how good it felt when I was younger and still comfortable inside of my own skin.
I think one of the big things I have to do is forgive Joe.
It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and actually do it.
I don’t think I've done that, because I still dwell.
I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore,
But I still live there in my head sometimes
Because the way he looked at me and made me feel inside is still inside my head.
He took away everything I liked about myself and made feel like I was wrong.
I wasn't supposed to be happy.
I wasn't supposed to enjoy the things that brought me peace.
I guess when someone knocks you down enough,
You start believing the lie because it’s so much easier
To leave all the pieces where they are
Than to pick them back up and try to glue yourself together again.
I don’t have the patience anymore to try to pick up all the old pieces of myself.
I need to find out who I am now
Instead of trying to piece someone back together
That I can never be again.

Rumors, Innuendo, & Other Such Bull Shit 11/11/12

I'm getting very tired
So very tired of all the
Rumors that float
On my breeze
Like birds in flight
Going everywhere
But nowhere.

So fucking tired
Of feeling you all
Branding me
With your white hot
Lies that wrap themselves
Around my heart
Like the magnifying glass
That I've been under for so long
Has finally set me ablaze.

So what am I today?
Fat slut?
Think what you will
I've given up on caring
About anyone's opinion but
My own...

I'm just tired of dealing
With people who's lies
Drip sweetly from their lips
Like the blood from the pound
Of flesh they've taken from me.

If you've got a problem with me
Or the way I'm trying to
Live Again..
Then by all means...
Post your response after
The Beep....

Confusion.... 11/11/09

Originally written on this day 3 years ago...

I just finished reading.
Finished reading letters.
Letters from loved ones.
Loved ones that wrote to me
Almost 5 years ago.
When I locked myself away.
So I could heal.

Today's his Birthday.
I won't forget that.
We spent 10 of his birthdays
But I'll also remember
The situation that got me
Where I am today.

But in reading those letters from him
I have to say that I'm a little shaken right now.
I had someone who loved me without reservation.. without pause.
Someone who would have killed himself should I have asked for it.
And now when I'm sitting here mourning the loss of someone else,
Someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Who cringes when I touch him. Who refuses to try to fix all
That went wrong.

Two sides of a coin these two.
One who knew me inside and out and one who only
Pretended to want to.
One who knew how to be a man for his family
One who was too wrapped up in his own hell to
Make it right.
One who used his fists in anger at times
One who made me feel safe.
One who I had to stop loving for the
Sake of myself and my child...
One who's love I crave like I've never
Craved before.

I could go on and on.
There is honestly no
Comparison between the two,
But you know what?
I can't tell you why I can't
Stop thinking about the both of them.
I have one who I could work things out with if
I stopped living in reality
And I have the other...
Who claims to love me so much
That he hates me.

But I wouldn't trade all this pain,
For anything... I've learned so much from
All this. I know I can survive
Loosing so much.
But I'm still fucked up and floundering.
Which is what I'm used to.
But I'm tired
So tired of feeling like this

Just Another Crazy Bitch 11/11/12

Yeah, that's me alright....
Just another crazy bitch
Trying to shovel her way
Out of yet another hole
I dug myself.

Just a crazy fucking bitch.
Someone who fights
For all the wrong reasons
Unable, unwilling to find a

Just another crazy moment.
Feels like I'm on fire.
Some of the things I've been
Told lately...

I'm not the type of girl a guy
Wants to bring home to his momma...
I'm the type you fuck and forget.
Just another crazy bitch.
That's me.

Just another crazy bitch
Whatta self esteem booster...

Veteran's Day 11/11/12 (Letter To An Unknown Soldier)

Since it's Veteran's Day...

Letter To An Unknown Soldier

Inconsequential things…
The way you laughed,
The way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
So off you went to fight.
You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,
What wasn't right from the start…

So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong
So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.
It just isn't fair
That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memories
And the dog tag’s
They sent back home…
Laying somewhere a million miles away
Never to look into the eyes,
So much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…

Now you can’t fight at all…

Throw Down 11/11/12

I don't know why or how...
But I feel you
Waking up inside me
The beast I've been
Fighting for so damn long
I can't stand myself anymore
I can't stand being locked
Inside my head and
Left to drown
In my misery

So God damn it...
I'm going to end it
The monster that lives
Inside of my soul
Time to throw down
And see just who comes
Out alive
The beast of addiction
I know myself...
I'm better than this damn it
I'm more than the
Needles I shoved into
My veins
I'm more than
The crazy junkie
The "pill popper"
I am so much more
Than I've ever
Been given
Credit for...
 I'm more than the
Vicious opinions that
You spew at me

So damn it,
I'm done....
Time to fight this
Animal in me
And I swear...
This time,
One of us
Won't make it
Out alive

Soul Journey... 11/11/12

I had a conversation this evening
With someone I hold dear in my heart
No matter what,
No matter where,
No matter what I've done
He's been my big brother
And he has never judged
Or laid the guilt on me
Because he knows I do
It to myself
Enough for all of you
We were discussing
The topic of souls
He made some comment about
My soul and my reply
Was that I don't
Have one anymore....
His response went something
Like this....
You have a soul damn it...
You have locked it up
And thrown out the key
It's just trapped in you
Because you chose
To live your life
Numb.... Lock that soul
Inside you and kept it hidden
Because all you've been through
Has scarred you...
Heart and soul
And it was easier to
Numb out
Instead of facing
Your demons...
But the woman I see
Before me
Is trying to be whole
Trying to make a life
And live it happily,
And yet you feel that you
Don't deserve his love
That he's too good for
Someone so broken...
It's time for you to change
Time for you to unlock
The cage you've created
To house the one part of you
That makes you you...
I say, it's time....
Time to show them all...
Time to set your soul free
And see where the journey to
Self discovery will take you...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Reckoning 1 11/10/12

I guess today's the day
The day I begin
My reckoning...
I am starting
This new chapter
In the saga I have
I live in the land
Of regret and sorrow
I have been here for
So long...
And today I begin
The climb
To save my life
I'm clawing my way
Back out of
The hole in hell
I dug for myself
I'm tired of being
Told that
I am no good...
I'm a "pill popping whore"
Yes, I lost that war
I couldn't survive
The animal of
But by god
I have several reasons
To be a better person
And I know I can be
I cling to the belief that
I will be rescued from
My insanity..
But the only one
That can save me
Is me
And I know
I'm not as strong
As I portray myself...
I am weak
I am withering
I am waiting
For my reckoning

The Line 11/10/12

So here goes...
I have something to say
To those of you
Who feel the need
To take my news
And shit on it...

I have nearly died
Six times in my life
By my own hand
And for some reason
Whoever makes the
Decisions about
Who lives
And who dies
Has decided
I'm not allowed to
End myself just yet.
I have some purpose
Still yet to stay here for
My amazingly beautiful
Wonderful, sweet
Sylvia A. Richards
Always said...
That everything happens
For  reason....
And that's where I am
Trying to find reason
In all this insanity
And all I want to do
Is fall apart
But because of this
New life
This new chance
To be the woman
I was meant to be
Before the drugs
And addiction
Took hold
Of my soul..
I'm lost inside
Just knowing
That maybe
Just maybe
I'll do the right thing
Just once in my life
And perhaps I can
Begin to heal
The heartache
I place like a badge
Across my chest
It's time to defeat
This monster
This animal
That lives inside of me
I have finally drawn
The line in the sand
And without a doubt
One of us
Won't make it out
Not this time...

Forsaken 11/10/12

I love you
But I lost you
I carry you
Deep inside
I feel your pain
Like a dagger
But I can't cry

I can't let go
Of all this pain
I can't forget
The way I changed
I can't remember
The taste
Of my own

I am broken
I am lost
I have forsaken all
And been left to ask
To what is the cost

I can not be forgiven
I can not let go
I can't breathe
Life back into
All I've killed

I've let go of forever
I've finally taken hold
I'm not letting go this time
I refuse to forsake
Another life
Another soul

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Remembering 11/7/12

I remember
How your love
Used to taste
How you would look at me
And I'd melt
Into uncertainty
And the foolish belief
In forever
I remember
How much
How fiercely
I loved you
And how deeply
Your abandonment
Cut me
I remember
The first time
I put that needle
Into my vein
And felt
The sweet sting
Of the madness
Of heroin
And hate
I remember
All the moments
I should have
And wasn't
And I remember
How life feels
When you're
And gagging
On your need
To just fill up
Just one more time
I refuse to believe
I wasn't meant
To walk the road
I've walked
That there was no
Reason behind
The insanity
That there was
No reason
For this pain
A normal heart
Would have
Choked on
And I refuse
To believe
My journey
Has ended
With or without
My demon
I'm still me
No matter how
You dress me up
No matter what you
Choose to tell yourself
That I'm better now
There is no better
There is no changing
The person I am
The person I was
But I'm a work in
And I remember
The lessons
I've learned
Along the way

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

For A Friend... 11/6/12

Holding tightly
To my last cigarette
As my hands
Shake so hard
I feel I'm coming undone
I can't feel you
I can't see you
Getting ready to flee you
But what I need
Is just to need you
And to know
You need me too

Can't let go
Of our yesterdays
Or erase the pain
I caused
But I know you
Like I know myself
And without you
I will drown

You're so much
A part of who I am
Without you
I lose all
Can't forget the agony
Of loving
Of losing
Of feeling you
Slip away daily

Sliding softly
On the razor's edge
For this uncertainty
To end
Standing stoic
Out on this ledge
Ready to fall
Ready to fight
But unable to hear
Your call

Holding tightly
To my last cigarette
As my hands
Shake so hard
I feel I'm coming undone
I can't feel you
I can't see you
The bottle, your weapon
While I slowly lay mine down
While I slowly lay it down

Heroin & Love 11/6/12

Had a very intense talk last night
Concerning addiction
And love
And how people on the outside
Don't understand the difference
Between us
And them

So this one is for you
The ones that feel like
We've just given up on
All that we love
So that we can chase
Our demons

The words that were spoken
To me last night were
Said perfectly
It's not that we don't have
The ability to love others
We just can't love ourselves

I know that when I allow myself
I love fiercely
Without reservation
I love just like you do
And heroin doesn't kill that love

What you don't understand
Is that the heroin is there
To kill me
To end the pain
Of knowing
All I feel
All I dream
All I want to be
Will never change
The endless ache
Burning away
Inside this shell of a woman
Who isn't whole enough
To love or forgive herself

Monday, November 5, 2012

Holy War 11/5/12

If you have been "saved"
You probably shouldn't read on...

I have no use
For you
I have tried
Time and again
To let you in
I've begged for your
Forgotten mercy
But all I've felt
Is empty
Of love
I've felt
The holy war
Inside of me
As I try to
Why I wasn't
Good enough
To receive your
Your healing touch
It sounds like
A bull shit story
To me
Sounds like something
Made the fuck up
Because no matter
How many times
I've read about you
No matter how hard
I have prayed
You have left me
I've been told that I
Can't ask your forgiveness
Until I learn to forgive
So I guess
We've reached
An impasse...
Forgiveness has been
Denied me
For so long
I don't remember
How it feels
I will never be forgiven
For the wrong I've done
I know that now
With every breath
I take
A blasphemy
And the weapons
You use to
Undo me
Are the sweetest
I've ever tasted

Letter to My Rapist 27 11/5/12

Even now
You have the
Innate ability
To stab me
In the gut,
But this time
Without your
Not only did
I see your face
One more time
Just yesterday
In passing
But I had you
Thrown in my
Along with the
Most recent
Sick fuck
Because you know
I must have deserved
What I got
You're the one
That turned me
Into a filthy little whore
And he's the one
That used me like one
But you know
I've been dealing
With the fallout from
These things for
Quite some time now
What I wasn't prepared
To deal with
Is having the
Situation it's self
Thrown at me
Like a dagger
From the lips
Of a viper
But it's just another
Little moment I will
Fold up
And pack away
Because I won't allow
Those words
To enter my mind
To wrap themselves
Around my heart
Because my heart
Is no longer mine
To abuse
It belongs to another
More worthy
Than all of us

Opinion 11/5/12

12:02am... here I am again...
Letting him enjoy sleep
Without the drama of
Me and mine
It's not so much
The things that are said
Because I could give a shit
There only 2 opinions
That matter the absolute most
To me
In this new situation
Those of my daughters
Who are not with me
Because of a mixture of
My choices
And fate
But mainly my choices
After fate had it's way with me
For the second time
Two and a half years ago
And I own that.
I own my fuck ups
Like I own nothing else
But now that good ole fate
Has thrown me another curve,
I refuse to look at it
As something that shouldn't be
Something wicked or bad
Just because other people
Believe they know me
Because they know who I was
And who I've let them see
I allow very few
To see the real me
To see me without the walls
I've erected to save myself
And now that I'm holding another
Life in my hands
I'll be damned if I'll take
These opinions of me
And allow them to taint
This new little life...
So it's really your choice
You just don't need to be
Part of it if this is how you
Treat someone
You called friend
Until it wasn't convenient for you
To be decent
Any longer

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Pill Popper 11/4/12

Do you seriously think
That any of your opinions are
Going to hurt?
Like you're accomplishing anything?
Please... I call myself worse
On a daily fucking basis
I know what I am
What I was
And where I'm going with
That knowledge from here
Your opinion of the person
That I am now
Doesn't define
My life
If you turned the tables
And put yourself in my shoes
You'd have fallen
The first damn step
So please
Save your breath
On this pill popping
Nasty slut
Filthy fucking whore
This fat, dick sucking, dirty bitch
Or whatever else
You choose to call me
Because your
Insults aren't hurting me
Nor will they ever
The only one they're hurting
Is someone we both love
Someone I know I'm trying to
Be more for
More than your
Opinion will ever achieve

But I'll fight my own battles
So keep it coming
And we'll see
Just how far
Your insults
Get you

Saturday, November 3, 2012

For Us 11/3/12

Is this what it feels like to be happy?
I swear, I know I don't deserve to have 
This life, this man, this gift
But I refuse to allow
My past to get in the way
Of this new journey
This path I'm on
That's finally broken through
The wilderness and into
The world at large
I've always walked alone
But with him beside me
I'm no longer afraid
To face my demons
To look my mistakes
In the eye and 
Rectify what I can
Reconcile my fuck ups
And finally be able 
To measure out
The distance between 
The addict, the junkie 
That will always live 
Just under the skin
And the woman
I want to be 
For him
For us

Friday, November 2, 2012

Thanks to J.D. 11/2/12

I'm going to take a step back for just a moment....

When I was in high school,
In Mr Pangburns social studies class
He'd always have a quote on the blackboard
The one I remember the most is this:

"The difference between a helping hand and an outstretched Palm is a simple twist of the wrist." Lawrence Leamer, King of the Night

It's been more years than I care to recall
Since I first read those words
Written in chalk
But etched into my mind
Because as the years have passed,
I've learned first hand
What it means to have someone
Kick you when you're down
To lie sweetly to your face and
Turn into a fucking viper
In the next breath
But every now and again,
You get surprised
By the last person
You'd expect
To reach out
And try to help you
Make it back home
I guess that's where my thanks lay
This afternoon I was surprised
And flattered
That all the while I was
Sitting in the gutter
I did have someone
I can call family
That would have at least
Reached out a helping hand
Instead of following the crowd
And turning his back.
And walking away
Knowing that
Starts another flame
That I can add
To the inferno
That I've started
I'm burning my way
Back to me
And your acceptance
Is now part of that flame
That will guide me home
Should I falter

So thank you
Again, and again
Thank you
You're an amazing person
You have always been
A kindred spirit...
But now you're part
Of the beacon
That lights my way
On my journey
To find the me
I ache to be

Jason VI 11/2/12

Staring at the blank white paper
Thinking to myself
What can I say here
That's going to make
Sense in this madness
All I know is that I'm 
Falling so deeply
In love with the man 
You are... 
Without trying, 
You're just you
To me, you are
The embodiment 
Of what a real man
Is supposed to be
You're a rare breed 
It's taken me thirty three
Years to meet someone 
That can simply leave me
In wonder at the 
Fact you have something
That I've never encountered
In a man
You have morals
You have strength of character 
You know who you are and
You're not hiding an asshole
Behind closed doors...
You are just what you
Portray yourself as
You're you
And I'm honored
To call you mine

The Reaping 11/2/12

Just close your eyes tightly
Hold on for the ride
Just one drop of poison
It's too late to realize

Sinking into madness
While the light is fading fast
The quicksand of this disease
My fight isn't strong enough to last

Because I'm falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Falling into this nightmare
Where I can either fight
Or beg this demon
To help me drown

It's like I'm screaming
In the middle of a crowd
No one sees me,
No one hears me
It makes this rage inside

I'm at the bottom of the hole in hell
I dug, I made all on my own
But the light is blinding
From what I've reaped,
Will now be sown...

Because I'm falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Falling into this nightmare
Where I can either fight
Or beg this demon
To help me drown

It's sink or swim this time
Just me and the broken road
It's time to claw my way back out
Time to find my way back home

Because I've fallen down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
With the echos of the past
Ringing all around
But finding me
Inside the sound

Letter To GOD 11/2/12

Dear GOD,

Yeah, it's me... I'm coming to you tonight because I'm so lost I can't contain myself anymore... I have a few things I'd like to say to you, some things that I need answers for...
So you know that most of the time I hate you.  I disavow your existence and I rage... Just rage at the way things have turned out.  I've been told time and again to "give it to GOD", so here... it's all yours.
Why did you allow those two assholes to rape me?  Can you give me an answer to that question?  Can you rightfully say that in this instance it made me a stronger person?  Because I all I have learned from that experience is that you must have been busy that night somewhere else, so it must not have been important enough for you to take notice. That was the night it started.  The night I stopped giving a shit about me... because the me I lived with after that was nothing close to human.  But I guess that was okay? Seriously?
I can look back on the things I've done and account for my actions and admit the wrong I've done... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU?  Why can't you get off your ass and show me something that will allow me to have faith like other people do?  I have no peace in my soul or in my head.  I allow hate to eat me alive every fucking day because I can't love the me I am.  I seriously think I'm still laying face down, ripped apart and left like garbage and this life is all just a fucked up nightmare designed by the devil.
So I'm asking, no, pleading for you to just show me something to help me believe in you... Something that will help me learn to heal.  I can't continue the way I've been going... just throwing all my demons in the back seat and telling them to shut the fuck up because I want to turn the car around... I'm faltering here and I need help...
So I'm asking
I'm begging
For redemption
Because the devil is a slippery motherfucker and he's trying to break down the wall I've put up around my willpower.  I know it's coming.
Please intervene
Before I find myself back in the labyrinth without a flashlight
And without a prayer of making it out alive again.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

To My Father... 11/1/12

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
Who loved her daddy
Who was innocent
In the eyes of the world
She'd wait until he came home
And they would have a moment
All of their own
She'd untie his shoes
Take his socks off
And rub his feet
Because it was a moment
Of their own
And no one but
Fate could take that away
From them
Time passed,
As did the heartache
Of abandonment
He left for a new life
And she died a little inside
For the first time
She felt the taste
Of hate,
Of rage
Because no one was there
The night she came home
Bleeding and broken
No one saw the cracks
In her armor
The cracks that
Eventually broke her
No one heard
The screaming of her
Soul as it ran down
The shower drain
As she tried to wash
Away the memory
Of her violation

Daddy was far away then
Living his new life
With his new wife
With his new children
New and better than what
He left behind
And years passed
Many years that took her
So far into the darkness
She feared the light
Until the day she gave up
Until the day she hit
Rock bottom
And she placed a call
To the daddy she
Thought would help her
What it felt like
To be loved

And he saved her...
He brought her into
His new life
And helped her find
The broken road home
It took her years
That felt like decades
Of despair
Of revelation
He showed her
What her innocence
Once looked like
He helped her
Start to fight
Her demon of
He showed her
And love
And acceptance
In spite of
The years gone by
The pain and despair
Melted away
In that moment
That as an adult
She would sit
At the foot of his bed
Take off his shoes
Remove his socks
And rub his feet
And share the laughter
And "the silly"
That only he brings into
Her life...

I miss you tonight Dad...
I pray that you're okay
I love you so much

Undertow 11/1/12

It's strange
How happy you seem
How deeply this cuts
Because I know what's coming
What I'll have to deal with
The fall out from my
Latest fuck-up
You don't see it
Because you haven't 
Tried crossing this bridge
Knowing damn well 
The insanity that waits on 
The other side
I'll give 
As much as I can
To see this through
Just please, 
Don't expect more
Than what I can give
I can't change the past
I can't make others accept
Me and the situation
Anymore than I can 
Divert the tide
But I'll damn well try
I just hope 
I don't drown
In the undertow

Strong 11/1/12

Thoughts are my enemies
Crazy ramblings that
If I allow it
Will chew a hole
Straight through me
I'm fighting with
Myself today
Fighting with what I know
To be right
And the knowledge
That I'm just not
Nor will I be able
To allow this to become
Something real
If I just make believe
This isn't really happening
That I didn't throw myself
Yet another hurdle
To fall over
That I didn't just
Introduce myself to
Someone else
That I can fuck up
Someone else I can
I'm so tired of hurting
Everyone and everything
I love
I touch
I'm just so damn tired
That this bullet
Is looking a whole lot better
Than any other option
I presently have
How strong do you think
I really am

Deserved 11/1/12

I just want to sleep
To forget that I'm alive
Forget that I still breathe
Today is just me here with me
And my company sucks
Especially today
If there was a way
I'd run so far and so fast
Away from me
I can't put this together
In any way that makes sense
I'm so tired
I want to find a way
To step outside of myself
So that maybe I can put
This new shit
Into some kind of order
Because it just doesn't make sense
It just doesn't make any kind
Of order in my chaos
I do not deserve this
Especially this
And I deserve a lot
I can't turn my music up
Loud enough
To drown out the sound
Of the screaming
Inside my head
Inside my heart
Over something that isn't
Meant to be mine
And I know
It's just a matter of time
Before I have to account
For my sins
And let you all see
Just how far
I've let myself

Bomb 11/1/12

So I guess its bombs away
It's time to see what I'm made of
If I can handle this
I'm terrified
Of what this new turn
Will bring
Of old mistakes
Made new
I really just don't know
How to make this okay
Others will see this
As a blessing
But others don't live
In my skin
And feel things
The way I do
Don't see things
Like me
Something that starts out
So small it's almost unseen
Will become a bomb
If placed in the right hands
That will blow me
Straight back to hell