Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Irony 10/31/12

Needless to say, I'm absofuckinglutely
Floored right now...
I'm just putting this down here
So that I can look back someday
And remember tonight
As the night
Fate had it's way
With me
How fucked up
Karma can be
How you look at yourself
And see only black
Til you get hit
By a ton of bricks
Right upside the head
With how much of a sense
Of irony
The universe has

Outside 10/31/12

I'm forever on the outside
Looking in
Forever looking at life
Through the looking glass
How much of this is real
And how much of this
Has been contaminated by
My inability to feel
Anything
Is there a way
To reconcile my past
With what I want for tomorrow
Is there a way to
Free myself from the
Bonds that tie me to you
I feel like I'm forever
On the outside
Looking in at a life
That I know wasn't meant
To be mine
I've cut myself to ribbons
Trying to beat back the
Darkness
But it's falling
Just like it always does
And I am failing
To make sense
Of anything
Again
Trying to hold on
To my sanity
With both hands
But I feel that slipping
Away as well
I feel like I'm
Falling away today
Like I'll never find
Something to fill
This void
Where reason
Used to reside
I'm on the outside
Looking in
At a me
I don't want to be
Filled to bursting
With bitterness
With hate
For the me
I never wanted
To see again

Craving 10/31/12

I watch you
But you never seem to see
How deeply this
Ache is embedded
In me
I crave numbness
Like I crave nothing else
Especially today
I want to forget
Everything I'm not
Everyone I've been
Everywhere I left
Pieces of me
Behind
I just want to let go
Of this agony
That burns a path
Through my soul
Sometimes
I have thoughts
That I have yet
To learn how
To turn off
Thoughts of suicide
Of how it would be
So easy to just
Let it all just end
I know I'm inherently
Evil
So sometimes I think
It would be nice
To just let the devil
Take me home
One cc at a time

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Strange 10/30/12

How strange it feels
When you find out
That maybe,
Just maybe,
Someone is listening
And all it takes
Is for you
To lose your
Mind
To lose your
Soul
To lose everyone
And everything
Several
Times
Over

Distance 10/30/12

I'm tired
I'm constantly worrying
About what you'll do
When you wake up
And see me
The way I do
I can't seem
To make you
Understand
That I'm not
For you
I'm not for
Anyone
I get so afraid
Of losing you
Of losing this
Of losing the me
I am when I'm
With you
You make me
Wish for things
I can not have
Things I didn't
Even know
I wanted
Sometimes
I sit here and scream
At the top of my lungs
And feel like
You don't hear me
Because you don't know
What goes through
My mind
Every day that
I measure out
The distance between
What I am
And what
I'll never be

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Rage 10/28/12

You don't see it
Do you?
You don't see the memory
That burns through me
With every fucking
Breath I take
The suicidal rage
That threatens to
Consume me
I know who I am
I know what I am
And regardless of how
You try to sugar coat it
No matter what you tell yourself
To make yourself see me as
Somehow better than what I am
It all comes back to this:
I am not good
I am not whole
I am not someone
You want coming for
Sunday dinner
To taint your loved ones
With my filth
My personal brand of
Depravity...
You don't see me
For the filthy bitch
I have told myself
Time and time again
That I am
I don't play the nice girl
The good girl
I may be clean,
But I'm not clean
I'll never be cleansed
Of my rage
That burns inside me
An inferno of hatred
That consumes everything
Good that enters my life
I know you'll leave me too
Just like all the rest
I'll burn the good out of you
Just like I incinerated my own
The first time I felt
The sweet sting
Of a needle full
Of heroin
I may be clean
But I'm not clean enough
Not good enough
Not enough
For you
For anyone
And knowing
That I can never give
Or be what you need
Is what feeds it
The monster that grows
Hungrier every damn day
That my rational side spends
Wishing that I could be more
That we could be more
I'll never be
Anything more
Than this walking disease
This junkie fuck that
Craves you
Just as much
If not more
Than enough
Heroin
To end my
Rage

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 26 10/27/12

I've had my moments with you
Running through my head like you're
In a fucking marathon
Giving it all you're worth
But I'm ready to knee-cap you
Because today's race
Has been called
On account of death
On account of me
On account of my
Recent revelation
That you're not
Going to win this one
I'm tired of letting you
Play with me
Get me to the point of
Giving up
Giving in
I refuse to let you
Keep me in bondage
Even though the thought
Probably puts a rod in your shorts,
I refuse to let you continue
To fuck me
To fuck with me
So get over yourself...
I'm waiting at the finish line
And I've got a little something
I've saved just for you
I'll swing that hammer down
So fast, so hard
You won't see me coming

At The End (for J.J.) 10/27/12

I'm so damn frustrated right now
And god fucking damn it
I'm angry as fuck at you
Damn it, had you only told me
Had you only admitted the truth
About how much you were suffering
I would have done anything that I could have
To have been there for you
At the end

I miss you
So fucking much at times
And then there are days like today
When I speak to your daughter
And feel your loss
Just like it's new
How much those children suffer
How much we all wish we could have
Been there with you
But you took that chance from us
When you chose to be alone
Instead of let us in
At the end

Even though I am angry
Even through the pain
I know you'll be there waiting
At the end

Resolve 10/27/12

So did you just pop up
To mess with me?
Did you decide that
Today's the day to
Introduce the one thing
I know I can't have
You know me inside
You know what I go through
You happen to live
The same hell
You've fought the same
Demons

But this time
I've come out screaming
On the other side
And I'll be damned
All over again
If I let my resolve slip

The Fire 10/27/12

There's a fire
Deep inside of me
Where I live
Where I allow myself
To burn
Where I give my
Hatred license
To wreak havoc
On my newly found
Serenity
On the peace I've
Only ever dreamed of
It's within my grasp
And this demon
Won't let me out
And I question who
What I'll be
If I do let it go
This fire makes me
The evil cunt
I know myself
To be
You're part of
My fire
You set me ablaze
With just a word
Just a hello
Just an off-hand
Reminder
Of all I was
And all I'll
Never be again

Friday, October 26, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 25 10/25/12

So I'm writing this one
In response to your earlier post
That you'd hurt anyone
Who messed with your daughter...
May I just begin with...
You have no clue motherfucker...
You have no clue
How much that statement
Is going to haunt you
In the days to come...

Because she follows this blog
Because you sure weren't thinking
That I was someone's daughter
When you ripped me apart
Cancer already took your buddy
Your partner in crime
So you get to be the proud
Owner of
My revenge....

So it's begun...
She'll have questions
I wouldn't ask for less...
She knows you have a buddy
That you lost to cancer
Just a few years back
She's old enough to remember...
And I really hope she does...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 24 10/25/12

This one will be
Short
Maybe not so sweet
But definitely to the point
Maybe a little more
To the point
Than you'll like...
I'm thinking
Not so much about you
Than about me
And the horror
That I feel
When I think
About what I would like
To do to you
You deserve every nasty thing
I can come up with...
That's not the problem
The problem is that you're
A cancer in me
Eating away at my
Give a shit
And pretty soon
I won't have any left at all...

Wait...
Just remembered that
I really don't give a shit

Karma Cafe... 10/25/12

Wanna fucking talk karma???
Let's roll bitch
I'm so tired of people like you
Who have no fucking idea
What you're talking about

Take it from the junkie/slut
That you had sooo much to
Talk about a few weeks ago
That has been talked about
By your little garden gnome
Looking motherfucker
And then tell me
About fucking karma

Karma is a bitch,
Now isn't it...
But so am I asshole
Sucks when the shoe's
On the other foot
Now doesn't it...
Just keep talking...
Both of you

Waking Nightmare 10/25/12

Since Halloween is soon upon us...

Tripping
Falling
Into a nightmare
Or so it seems
Where you wear
Track marks
Over every vein
Even though they've
Already healed
You know they're there
Even over your heart
Or what's left of it
Being hunted by dealers
You know would kill you
If given the chance
Running like hell
From the addiction
That's got it's nails
Buried in your flesh
So deep there is no escape
Being judged
By those who's faces
Haunt you daily
Because you played
A big part
In their untimely demise
This is my nightmare
But mine doesn't come
When I sleep...

The "Gift" 10/25/12

Sometimes
I feel things
Deep down in my core
And I know it comes
From somewhere outside of me
Sometimes
I see things
Others don't
I see some pretty
Nasty shit
At times
Sometimes
I use this
So called "gift"
To help others
So why
At the times
That I needed it
The absolute most
Did it fail me
Why does it
Always seem
To fail me
When it comes
To my own life
My own situations
Where it would have
Damn well
Come in handy
For something
Most people
Call a "gift"
I don't seem to
Be able to use it
On myself
And trust me,
The return policy
Sucks

Potency 10/25/12

There is no better
Or more potent
Drug
Than you
It takes just a look
Just that certain look
In your eyes
And you set me
On fire
Burning me
With the liquid heat
Of your love
Your lips touch mine
And I can't control myself
I don't want to
You do things to me
That I can't begin
To describe
I crave you
Worse than I ever
Craved heroin
I hope you know
I've finally decided
That you're the one
Damn drug
I refuse to
Withdraw from

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Hope 10/24/12

Hope
A foreign word
To people like me
People who know the
Flip side of hope...
Despair
Fury
Rage that chews on your insides
Like a beast you can't set free
It sets you on fire
An inferno the likes of which
Seem to be atomic at times

Hope
Something few people truly know
Nothing like some silly
Hope I can get this or
Hope I can afford that....
Hope...
Like a minuscule
Ray of light
That burns your eyes
When you finally start looking up
From the bottom of the hole in hell
You built  yourself
And you get the nerve
To start clawing your way
Toward it...

I know hope...
I know it's a living thing
Something that puts out the fire
And gives you the strength to stand
When all you want to do
Is let go
I know hope...
And I pray
You find it
Along with me

Letter to My Rapist 23 10/24/12

You know what?
Go fuck yourself today
I'm really just not into
Fighting with myself
About all the crazy shit
That runs through my head
Concerning my need
To avenge this wrong
To exact my revenge...

Today really marks a moment for me
Because just for today
I refuse to allow you
To rent space in my head
You already occupied enough
Of my spaces...
Tonight you can't have
The place I save for him
The man who fills me
With his goodness
Who I spent the day with
Sick with a damn cold
He shows me
What a man is supposed to be
You only showed me nightmares
And now...
Now I'm beginning to believe
Because of him
His absolute acceptance
Of the fucked up bitch I am
He makes me believe again...
I do deserve better
Then the hell I've survived
Partially intact perhaps...
But still alive
Still aware
Still fighting

Wanting 10/24/12

One thing I'm hoping you'll take away
From reading what I'm about to write here
Is that sex is an ageless thing
It's nice... don't get me wrong
But it's not everything.
That moment of release comes and is gone
So damn fast that you wonder why you
Even bothered to hook up in the first place.
I've had indiscriminate sex
Lots of it
I've worked as a "lingere model"
Which is a nice way of saying
I was a stripper without a pole...
But I've also worked the pole in my day
I'm not ashamed of these things
And perhaps I'm jaded somewhat from
My time in the above said positions
Men look at women like me and see
An easy lay
That's fine... see me that way
But you'll find there's nothing "easy"
About this old whore
But I feel the need to impart some of my
Worldly wisdom
The first thing I'll impart is this
There is really no such thing
Sex without attachments
Because every time you lay down
With someone...
You give away a part of you
And there is something you'll come
To learn about the way the mind of a
Woman works when it comes to sex
It's an ageless concept
We want the dream...
The fairy tale that we were spoon fed
As little girls...
We want someone to love us whole-heartedly
Unabashedly
I've lived my life and done a whole lot
That I'm not proud of
But there's one lesson I've picked up
Along the road
Wanting is not enough
Sex doesn't fill the void
Sex doesn't heal
Sex is a weapon
Wielded in the moment
But the scars don't fade
And now that I know
What it is to really "make love"
There is no going back
Because I've got enough scars
To last a lifetime

Jason V 10/24/12

You know me and music
That I allow it to take me places
Usually places that allow my rage
To be freed

But tonight I'm stuck on one
Particular song...
That I never thought would
Fit someone like me.

"I am beautiful with you
Even in the darkest part of me
I am beautiful with you
Make me feel the way it's supposed to be
You're here with me
You show me this and I believe
That I am beautiful with you"

It fits how you make me feel so well
You take my darkness and siphon it out
Until there's nothing left there
But me and you

You have broken down all my defenses
You have breached my walls and left me
Full of your light...
A love like I've never felt that I deserved

I'm covered in scars
My arms are ripped apart
From the damage my darkness did
From the self-inflicted pain of my past

But I do...
I feel beautiful with you

(Song is Beautiful With You by Halestorm)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 22 10/23/12

Just sitting here thinking...
I really have nothing new 
To say to you today...
Nothing that will change
What is... 
Nothing that will make
Me feel better about myself 
So here is what I will say...
I don't really think I hate you
Not as much as I used to
Because thoughts of that night
Used to burn so brightly in my mind
And now, it's just a memory...
Something I try very hard
Not to think about
But it never goes away
I think of you
And I immediately
Want to run to the nearest shower
And wash away the memory of 
How you felt inside of me
How badly you hurt me
Becomes almost real once more
And I feel spoiled
All over again
And I just 
Want you out
Of my head
I just want you
Out

But I guess you'll never really be
Because even on a day like today,
When I don't have to have you on my mind
Thoughts of you show up unannounced and 
Undo me
Not the way it used to,
But close enough
To feel like 
You rape me again
Every fucking day
And I've become such a 
Bloodthirsty bitch
That I'm ready
I'm primed
For my revenge

Definitions 10/23/12

This one goes out to those of you that truly believe you know what the fuck you're talking about...
(all definitions come from Websters Online Dictionary)

addiction - 
being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Yes, I'm an addict... I know addiction better than most
So you
Who think you know what it is to suffer
The pain and self effacing 
Indignity of what we suffer
Please... if you really believe you understand...
I've got a pill or twelve for you....

Suffering -

n. 1. The bearing of pain, inconvenience, or loss; pain endured; distress, loss, or injury incurred; as, sufferings by pain or sorrow; sufferings by want or by wrongs.
a.   1. Being in pain or grief; having loss, injury, distress, etc.

I'm sure there are quite a few of you 
That understand suffering
That know what it is to hurt
To know everything you touch
Will fail or die by your own hand
Wishing you had the courage
To end you yourself
But knowing you lack the strength of will
I know these things as well
I've lived them the same as you... 
Perhaps not exactly, 
But if I can relate to your pain
How can you dis-regard mine

Love - A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preĆ«minent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters.


I've loved a lot of things
Up until now
I loved being high
Loved letting go of everything
And I loved the pain
That allowed me to get this way
Caressed it just like a lover
But love has taken me
On a new course
One I never saw coming

I love the new me
Regardless of your mouth
Your opinion
I love the new me
So if you can't make yourself 
Forget that you knew me
Make yourself scarce...
For your own safety
Because your opinions 
Don't define
The woman I am today
In spite of you

Siren Song 10/23/12

Sometimes, I get
Tired of fighting it
I feel like I'm already
Wasted, useless
An unclean whore
Bent on destruction
Things were so much
Easier then
Just pop that needle
Through the skin,
Slide it into the vein
And it's go time
It gets so cold out here
Without
But you get so sick
It's never enough
Not until you slide
That needle
In your veins until
There's nothing but
You and the devil
Strolling side by side
Toward hell
While people try to
Bring you back
I've overdosed six times
So the devil and I
Have had some pretty
Interesting chats...

So I guess this is me
Saying farewell
To easy,
To forgetting
I'm tired of letting
My bad memories
Mess with the good ones
I could be making
Instead of letting
The stain of my
Addiction
Cloud everything
Everyone
Tired of remembering
The siren song of heroin
And how good it felt
To just numb out
I guess I'm just tired
Just not feeling strong
Not that I ever really do
I'm tired
Of fighting the devil
Because I've learned
One valuable lesson
On my walks
With the devil...
He always wins
Eventually

Monday, October 22, 2012

Off-Hand 10/22/12

It's so funny,
How an off hand comment
Can mean so little
And so much,
All at once
How words can hit you
Like a ton of bricks
I know my past is one of shame
Of degradation
Of little white lies
And of complete and
Utter hell...
But you don't deserve
To be branded
With my mark of shame
You didn't ask for this
And I won't drag you down
Any further..

So how do I do this...
And still keep my sanity

Letter to My Rapist 21 10/22/12

Today was a good one
For my self esteem.
Or maybe my lack of said
Because I can't decide
If I really hate you
As badly,
As fiercely
As I once did

Without you,
I'd be in-equipped
To deal with the likes
Of people like I've been
Flaying alive all day
With my whiplash tongue
My razor sharp wit
And the rage... always
Always the rage

So I guess a thank you
Is in order here...
Thank you
For being a dirty fucker
For being the man who
Ripped my cherry out
And chewed it up
While I lay there with
The blood in my eyes
Boiling into
The inferno of hate
I put in place of
My innocence....

So thank you
So, so much
For raping me into
A bitter, hateful cunt

Pincushion 10/22/12

Look at me 
And tell me who it is
That lives under my skin
Look really close
Cuz you might just
Miss something
Take a fucking
Magnifying glass
You little bitch
Scrutinize it all
But all you'll 
Ever see
Is the pincushion 
I used to be
And the hatred I have
For people like you 
People so small 
Even your own 
Insignificance
Show's on your face
More and more 
Every damn day.

My scars will fade
In spite of you
In spite of all you say
To make me feel 
Dirty and used up
I will overcome this
But I have overcome you
While you were busy
Looking for reasons
To put me in my place
Above you

Addict 10/22/12

I am a walking talking disease
I will always be
I have no shame in admitting it
I have overcome a hell of a lot
On the road to home
And I don't care who likes it
And who'd rather
Sit in judgement on me
And my sins
I guarantee the skeletons
I've got hanging on my closet door
Are funny motherfuckers
But I'm not laughing anymore
I won't let them drag me back down
With a one way ticket back to hell
I'm too far gone to care about your
Opinion on weather or not I can
Withstand this sobriety,
But I enjoy being the one
Shoving your foot in your mouth...
So open up...

Pariah 10/22/12

It's a bullshit story
That will never end
I'm tired, so fucking tired
Of being a pariah to 
Your stainless society
Tired of waking up to
The rants of those
Who's lives never hit
The lows mine has
And therefore
Think they're somehow
Better than I am
I'm getting really sick
Of your right to judge
So please, don't make me
Ignite my own 
Because I can just about
Guaran-fucking-tee 
Mine burns 
A whole lot higher 
And hotter
Than you ever imagined

So try me


Scathing Cunt 10/22/12

Had my heart
Or what's left of it
Shoved squarely
Up and into my throat
A few hours back
And although things are fine
All's well in happy land
I can't seem to work out
Where I might be going wrong
Because you still seem to believe
That you can hurt me now
That your opinions of me
Are important enough
For me to allow for any kind
Of fuck up

It's my past
Creeping up on me again
Seems like I'll never be able
To let the junkie/whore go
If it isn't me getting drugs,
It's me dealing with people
More mind fucked
Than I could hope to be
And by to fuck
I AM NOT THE CRAZY WHORE
NOR THE DUMB FUCK JUNKIE
YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT
My mistakes, and there are many
Do not define
Who I am today
So to those of you
Who think that tearing me down
Is going to accomplish something
I have something to say to you:

Come tell me to my face
I have no problem
Letting you know
Where you stand
In my life now...
No problem introducing you
To the scathing cunt
I now know myself to be

Sunday, October 21, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 20 10/21/12

Do you know
Who you caught
The night
You raped me?

You caught hell...
That's what
You caught a
Nightmare
That you'll never
Never wake up from
One that stalks you
Every day on Facebook
Ever day right here

Because I'm getting ready
Every damn day
It's a roulette wheel
Is she going to name me
Is she going to let people know
Just how far down
My darkness goes

She's almost ready
To let it all out
To let everyone know
That you're a child molesting
Baby raping
Son of a whore

Tick-tock motherfucker...

Oblivion 10/21/12

Why must things get so damn confusing
Why do they fall apart
When does my past just end
And the future start

I'm tired of the waiting
Putting barbed wire round my heart
I won't let them in,
But be damned if I'll let you out

How much time must pass
How much must I bleed
How far do I take
My reckoning

How far does this need to go
How much rage must I spew
How much anger
How much hate
Will make this
You all just dissipate

I know what lies silent
Lies dormant in my soul
I know this demon
I know her role

Here hold my hand she says
I'll take you home
I'll give you back oblivion
You'll never be alone

I'll smack that stupid bitch
I'll fucking light her up
Never again
It's never home
It's never enough
I'd rather be alone

Saturday, October 20, 2012

Keeper 10/20/12

You've led me home

And home is where I'll be
Awaiting your return
Heart in my throat
Knowing these words
Can't be spoken
Because to give them voice
Is to let them out there
To be spoiled and defiled
By those who just can't wait
To bring hurt to me
Not you, never you
I tell you time and again
That you are the keeper
Of the key to my soul
Please Jason
Unlock me

Hunter II 10/20/12

You're getting dressed
Ready to go hunting
Once again
It puts a glow in me
To watch you
To know
Deep inside
You've already
Bagged this game
Found the scope
Straight into
My soul
Fired your shot
Without a sound
You've annihilated
My resistance

You've done your
Hunting
Before you ever
Even awoke
This morning
Because you win
I won't fight this
I won't run
I couldn't now
If I tried

Jason IV 10/20/12

I know you probably
Don't read these posts
Which is why I feel
I can tell you here
And here alone

You own my soul
Purchased it with
Your goodness
Your selflessness
Your amazing ability
To see inside me
To break through my
Darkness

Somehow
You've found
Most of the pieces
Of my jagged heart
And you're piecing
Together the whole
Fucked up mess
With the love
You give
We make
So generously

I just want to tell you
Everything there was
Everything there is
Everything...
And more...
And then some...
I want to give you
My everything
I love you more
Than I can even
Put into words

You are a crucial part
Of the fragile light
I've ignited inside me
And you're helping
To fan that flame
With the jet fuel
Of your acceptance
Of your love
Of a broken down woman
Who is undeserving
Of you

And knows it

Bre's Riding Hood (revisited) 10/20/12

I'm walking through
The woods he stalked me
Through as a child
As an innocent
Which he single-handedly
Relived me of
When he stalked me
All the way to
Grandma's
When he threw me down
On my little red cloak
And fucked the innocence
Right outta me
Him and his buddy
Gotta share with the pack
I guess

So here I am
Walking through the woods
That hold the memory
Of that night
I am armed to the hilt
And by God
That fucking wolf
Has met his match
In me
This time,
He'll meet his fucking
Maker at my hands
He'll be the one on his
Belly, face ground into
The forest floor
My foot on his neck
Holding him down
And I'll be the one
Doing the thrusting
This time
But my blade
Yearns to taste
A different
Target...

Past Lovers 10/20/12

So this one goes out to you...

Those of you I've lied to
Those of you I've hurt
Those of you I fucked over
Those of you I left behind
Those of you that still believe
In the me I used to be

I'm done
Letting the memory
Of my past
Put a stain
On what's coming
On who I am now
I'm really tired
Of your little messages
Letting me know
Just what you think
Of the me you never knew
Maybe, just maybe
You look at me now
And realize
What jealousy
Tastes like

There are some
Just a few
That don't deserve
What I'm about to say
So forgive me
In advance

But to those of you
(and you know who you are)
Who still sit in judgement
And talk yourself into believing
You're better than I am
You talk your shit
Like you're chewing on it
And now
You really are
Because I'm not
Your little fuck doll
To be used like a whore
And thrown away
When you get your
Girlfriend out of jail
Or because you're married
Or because your family hates me
Or because you're just as
Broken inside as I am
Over the loss of your father
You don't realize
How good you could have
Had it with me...
And looking back on you
I wish you well
But I also wish you hell
I wish for you
All the things you've
Called me
Will revisit your life
And make you feel
As I did...

No fucking good

And if I get the job I've
Recently applied for...
I'll be the one
Judging you
In hell

Letter to My Rapist 19 10/20/12

You win,
I'll lay here
And fight with
The memory
Of what you did
And that alone
Will drive me up
And out of bed
I'm tired
Of letting you win
Of letting you take
More from me than
Any man deserves
Having done what
You did
Having lived this life
In the darkness
Of your memory
Haunting every step
That I take
Filling me with such
Disgust for you
For myself
For the hate
You planted inside me
Along with yourself
It's this rage
That wakes me
And sends me running
Down the hall
To pour out my
Disillusionment
Here...
Where I know
There's someone
Who will read
And understand
I hate being alone
With your memory

Friday, October 19, 2012

Bre's Riding Hood 10/19/12

I feel like a little girl
Lost out in the wilderness
Somewhere way past grandma's
The asshole wolf has shredded my
Pretty red cloak all to shit
Right along with
My dignity
My innocence
My pride

But by God,
I'll fight this bastard
Because I know he's not
Quite done using me yet
Not quite ready to
Stop fucking with me
I lost my grandma's basket
When he took me
From childhood
To vicious bitch
But he doesn't know
What he's created

I may be lost right now
But I will find him again
And when I do...
God help him when I do...
There are way too many things
I can think of
To show him
What rape does
To a child

Used Up 10/19/12

So you wanna play huh?
Think you've got game
Bitch, I could lay you
The fuck out...
Without lifting a finger
I'll verbally flay you alive
And tiptoe through the ashes
So just forget it
You won't win this one
I'm done playing these games
I'm a used up whore
And I could give a fuck
Who you say that to
Just don't get that do you?
Cuz I've got your slut right here
And my give - a - shit
Has technically malfunctioned

Letter to My Rapist 18 10/19/12

I've begun
The painful process
Of undoing
Your vicious intent
Your violent fuck
Your impressive ability
To fuck up
Everything good
That comes my way

I'm not angry because of you
Don't take me wrong
I've been angry at you
Since I was young,
But the anger is what fuels me
What feeds the beast
And I'd love to starve it
Just once
Just for a moment
To not feel this rage
Inside of my chest
Every time he tries to
Do something for me
That I won't accept

Because I hold onto
The lessons I learned
Bleeding at your feet
With your cock
Still covered
In my innocence

You don't take
What you don't deserve...
And I don't deserve
Someone as good
As he is
So thank you
For fucking me again

Skewed 10/19/12

I'm contemplating completion...
Because I think I feel it
When I'm with you

My view of life
Is so skewed
That I can't even
Be sure if
This is real
Or make believe
And I'm so tired of
Living
Inside a nightmare fairy tale
The kind you warn kids about
The type of hell,
Suited only for people like me
People undeserving of
Any affection
Of love
Of completion
And I know
I don't deserve
Someone as put together
And grounded
And good
As you...

Black Sheep 10/19/12


How does one
Let go of who they are
What they've been
And not get majorly
Fucked up again
For their effort?

How do normal people
(and i use that term extremely loosely)
The ones that have never
Lived as an addict,
Our crazy lifestyles
Our fucked up mentality
Our skewed view of life
Our lack of principals at times.
How do they sit in
Judgement on our sins
Having no fucking clue
As to what they're saying
What they're starting...

You don't know
What you started in me
With your endless criticizms
With you absolute belief
That I am no good...
Your black sheep
Your outcast
The one you left behind
When you moved on
With your pretty little life
And left me writhing
In hell

For this
I'd like to take the opportunity
To thank you
Through all the pain
All the misery
Your abandonment
Made me who I am
And now I am stronger
Than you
Because of it

I no longer give
A holy fuck
What you think of
The way I've had to
Live my life
I've had to survive
In the world you
Only live in
You only exist in

I've learned to take your world
And make it my own
And from here on out
I don't give a shit
Who or what I have to
Leave in the dust
To get what I want
To get what I need

I really am your daughter
Now aren't I
I really am your child
In darkness only
In the shadows
On the outside
But looking in
No longer

Rain 10/19/12


If I go stand out in the rain
That's beating on my windows
Will it begin
To wash me clean
Clean enough for you

If I go stand out in the rain
Raging against these walls
Will it wash away
The memories
I don't want to
Live with anymore

I'm so afraid
I'll never be
What you need or
That I'll end up
Less than what
You believe

Nights like these
Really tear me down
Nights like these
Make the pain compoud
And I'm tired of waiting
In the wings
For this new life
To end again

If I stand out in the rain
Will it wash away the pain
If I bathe myself in darkness
Will I feel this much at home
If I allow myself sanctuary
Will I falll apart again

If I pull out all the hurt,
Anger, and rage
Will I pull you into
My agony
If I stand out in the rain
Will it make me whole again
Will it right the wrongs
Inside of me

If I stand out in the rain
Will it freeze my heart again
If I stand out in the rain
Will it stop the decimation
Going on inside of me

If I go lie down in the rain
Naked and hurting
From this bullett hole
Will it finally wash me clean
Will I ever be clean

Because of the rain
Because of the rain

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Jason III 10/18/12

You came out of nowhere
Showed me what it is
To really live
You didn't try
And somehow,
Like a thief in the night,
You stole the heart
Right out of my chest

You showed up
And you took me
On the ride of my life
The last ride I want to take

You are like a beacon
Of light
In my world of darkness
In my life of shame
You've taken everything
And somehow began
Healing me
From the inside out
Healing me with your
Goodness
Showing me
There are things
In this fucked up world
That are worth fighting for
Worth waking up for
Every day
Worth living for

I don't know how
I don't know why
But I know
With a fierce certainty
That I'd be lost
If I lost you
So I'm not going
To lose you
Because I like this me
The me that I am
When I'm with you
This is one me that I
Refuse to part with

Rabid Slut 10/18/12

What exactly do you see
When you look at me?
Do you see what I've suffered?
Do you see my triumph?
Or do you only see
The Junkie
The rabid slut
The nasty bitch
A cunt that doesn't
Give a fuck what you see

Seeing that I only plan
On being Me...
Yes, me with a capital M
Is so ready to confront
Every lie
Every bit of infidelity...
That I knew about then,
And don't give a fuck about now

So I guess you figured I just don't
Give a damn about anyone's
Vicious opinion's,
Your snot ass remarks
So it would probably be
In your best interest
To just not
You're just wasting your time
On this Rabid Slut

But I so enjoy watching you try...

Letter to My Rapist 17 10/18/12

So today is something somehow new for me
I didn't stay awake with you
Burning through my sanity last night
Your darkness was replaced
By the light of my daughter and her
Amazing best friend
Showing me how beautiful
It is to be young, to be free
Of memories like those I hold
I have to stop dwelling on you
I have to let you go somehow
But you're ingrained in me
Although I wish to hell
I could exorcise this demon
Of you
Of your memory
Of your very existence
The hate I have inside for you
Is like a living, breathing thing
Something I nurture
Something I hold dear
But you see,
I'm finding that there are other
Things that I have that I hold higher
Than you
My love for those two girls
Is just one for an example
Holding them wipes the memory of you
Absolutely clean
To where you don't exist anymore
And I thank God daily
For them...
For their innocence
For their light
For their ability
To make me want
To feel clean
For the first time

Reconcile 10/18/12

I'm having a hell of a moment...
Trying to reconcile
The weight of what I've done
And the realization of who I am

There's a monster in my head
That never shuts the fuck up
It's constantly telling me
All the things I already know

I know I'm no good...
I'm no good for my children
I'm no good for the man I love
I'm no good for the people
  I now call friends

But I'll be damned
If I'll let me take me
Away from any of them
Looks like I've become
A greedy bitch
And I'll see you in hell
If you think for a minute
That I'm ashamed
Of the things that made me
  Strong...
Stronger than you...

I can honestly say
I don't give a fuck anymore
To reconcile these differences
I'm done playing the meek one
The one so full of regret
It was seeping out of my pores
I'm so much more than what
You choose to see

I don't regret my life...
I regret some of my choices
But everything else is set...
It can't be changed now
So I use the experiences up
And make it into
The New Me
The one you look down on
But I'll be damned
It's hard to look down at someone
Who's clawed their way
Out of the jaws of hell
And come out smoking
On the other side

But I like watching you try...

Letter to My Rapist 16 10/18/12

I sit here thinking
About what I'd say to you
If you'd done to my daughter
What you did to me

And all I can say
Is that I'd fucking kill you
I'd blow such a hole in you
That you wouldn't be thinking
About getting your rocks off...
Because you wouldn't
Have them anymore

I swear, if I could go back
As an adult, to the night
You killed my childhood,
I can tell you
With a certainty...
One of us
Wouldn't be making it out
Alive....
But one of us
Already died there
That night

You killed me once
In this lifetime...
Now it's my turn

Reunion 10/18/12

Seeing the tears
You cried so hard
Just pouring your guts out
When you saw her again
A reunion of hearts
Of souls

And you were only apart
Because of me
And my fuck up
And I'll spend
The rest of my life
Knowing that
I did this
To the both of you
My choices kept you
Apart
When you never
Never should have been
Those tears,
Never need to have
Been shed
And it's eating a hole in me
The way you broke down
When you realized
I'd brought your
Partner in crime
To this reunion

Ode to Halestorm 10/18/12


This song means so much to me... It would be the one I'd say goes out to Jason from me....  It just says it all...


http://youtu.be/qfFOzQVKuMs

Put your lighter in the air and lead me back home
When it's all said and done I'll follow the echoes
I hear you night after night calling out my name
And I find myself running to meet you
I didn't want to escape
From the bricks that I laid down

You are the only one
The only one that sees me
Trusts me and believes me
You are the only one
The only one that knows me
And in the dark you show me
Yeah it's perfectly reckless
Damn, you leave me defenseless
So break in
Break in

You let me fall apart without letting go
Then you pick up the pieces and you make me whole
I didn't want to escape
From the bricks that I laid down

You are the only one
The only one that sees me
Trusts me and believes me
You are the only one
The only one that knows me
And in the dark you show me
Yeah it's perfectly reckless
Damn you leave me defenseless
So break in

And take everything I have
Until there is nothing left
Until it's just your voice in my head
And when the lights come on
You see me as I am
You're still inside me

You are the only one
The only one that sees me
Trusts me and believes me
You are the only one
The only one that knows me
And in the dark you show me
Yeah it's perfectly reckless
Damn you leave me defenseless
So break in
Break in

Put your lighter in the air and lead me back home

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Surface 10/17/12

I am amazed
By people that feel
They have any right
What - so- ever
To judge me
On my past

I am not
The drugs I did
I am not
The needles
I shoved into my blood
I am not
What you see
On the surface
I am so much more

I am a gentle heart
I am a dreamer
I am better than I was
I am more than the
Memories I made
Into nightmares

Tho I try to make myself
Believe that I'm not
I am a good person
I am more than
What you see
On the surface

If you took
Just a moment
To slow your role
You'd see
I'm more
Than you
Ever believed
Possible

And believe it
Or not
I really
Can't make myself
Give a flying Fuck
About what you
Think you see
On the surface

Try me bitch
I'm so much more
Than you
Could ever be

Joey L 10/17/12

We were children
When we met
Neither one of us
Knew how far
How long
Or how rough
The road would become

You were my first love
The first to excite me
To share my musical passion
To show me physical passion
To show me a love
That burned bright
Inside of me

Mr. Charisma
That's for sure
Everyone you met
Was touched by your
Enigmatic outlook
And I was
At your mercy
From moment one


We created a miracle
With the love we made
And I loved you so then...
She is the best thing
We ever did together

But we screwed up...
Royally
We took what we had
And let it implode
Along with our sanity
Along with us

I sit here thinking about you
And I wonder how you're doing
No matter what,
Part of me will always
Look back at the love
And wonder...
We had a fierce love
We had a passion for
Each other that wouldn't dim
And now you passionately
Despise me...
And I you at times...

But I'm old enough now
To look back on us
And look at the good....
Believe me,
I know the bad
Was really bad
But the good
Was so good
I just pray
That you'll see
The other side
Of this hell
We share
And you'll
Remember
How good it feels
To be loved
Because you do
Deserve it
I know that
I've forgiven you
For the bad
And I hope
Only for the best
For you
Mr. Charisma
Reborn

Hours Away 10/17/12

I can't begin
To understand
What goes through
Your gorgeous head
You're as original
As your Momma
You amaze me
With every step
With every thought
You responded to me
Just yesterday
And by god,
I am on cloud nine
Getting ready
To jump to
Cloud ten
Because I get to
See you today
And I can't make
The time go faster
Until I am able
To see you
But all I can say
Is that now that
You're only hours away
Instead of being a
Great big question mark
Next to the word "when"
I swear,
I'm as anxious
As a school girl!

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Bad Advice 10/16/12

Good god,
There really is
Such thing
As goodness
In this world
Because you answered
My cries....
My pleas...
To just have contact
With half of my heart
This evening
And how amazing
My daughter is
She's got a sparkling wit
A charming attitude
And you've given me
The gift of her...
I know I'm not worth
A tenth of her
But I won't give her up
Like everyone told me to do
I refuse to stay away
From one of the only two
Reasons I"m still breathing
Get used to it...
I'm not going anywhere
Not again!!!

Fucking Hypocrites 10/16/12

What do you see
When you really look
At this person
I call me

Some of you see
The junkie/whore
Some of you
See the failure
And some of you
See the bad mother

But do you know what I see
When I look at you?
I see people who are such
Fucking hypocrites
That you can't even look me
In the eye when you
Curse me out...

I'm a vicious bitch,
But I fucking OWN my shit...
I fucking pay for it
Every god damned day
And I'll be disemboweled
Before I allow you
To play me again...

Just remember..
I'm not the only one
With dirty little secrets

Letter to My Rapist 15 10/16/12

Where the hell did you come from?
Do you know you're shitting on my sanity?
Why the fuck did you have to come back into
My life this way?
Because of you
I destroy every damn thing I touch
Every thing becomes diseased
Every damn thing
I really fucking hate you today
Just as I do every damn day
Since you raped me
Since you ripped me apart.
Do you even know what rape does?
How it felt to grow into
This bitter bitch you see today?
How it feels to know
My ribbons of innocence
Are still laying face down in the gully
While you fucked me into oblivion
While you fucked me out of my mind
And into a depth of rage
You can only imagine.
I fucking hate you today
Just as I do every day
Until I have some kind of revenge
Until I somehow make right
What can never be righted...

Coming Home 10/16/12

I can't get you out of my mind
But it's where you belong
Front and center in my mind
And in my heart..
Every moment
Every day
I ache inside
To hold you both
To know with every
Fiber of my being
That when I do
Finally hold you again
I'll know true peace
I'll know what it is
To finally
Come home
I'll always keep you
Inside
No matter how hard
They try to keep you
From me
I always have you
On my shoulder
Like my good angel
Keeping me sane
I need you two
Like I need air
I need nothing more
Than to see you
And I'm undone
I miss you two
So bad today
The ache never really
Eases...
Not ever
I miss you
I need you
I'm lost
Without you

Irelynd 10/16/12

I believe I've told you
Time and time again
That I love you
Heart, Soul and Mind

The only time in my life
That I knew innocence
Was when you were
Inside me...
Those tiny fingers
Those tiny hands
Have held my soul
Since you occupied me
Since you healed me
From the inside out
You're like a little
Pixi...
My tiny tinkerbelle

I miss you more than words can say
You and your sister...
Each hold
Hands full of what goodness
There was inside me
I've said so many times
That I'll make this right
But I have left good enough
Alone

But I'm not the idle type
I can no longer respect the
Assumption that you're better off
Without me
Time for a change my girl
I just hope
I pray
I'm doing the right thing

Jason II 10/16/12

Above all else...
I wish I could make you
Understand
Wish you could
Reach inside
Of me and feel
Just how afraid
I really am

I am no good for you
Trust in me,
And watch us fall

I hate me today
I hate who I was
What I've done
I feel just like
A no good
Dirty
Bitch
A filthy
Whore
Absofuckinglutely
No good for you
No good for anyone

I don't know how
To reconcile
Who I was
And who I want to be
For you
For me
For the possibility
Of an us

I wait
Every evening
To hear you pull in
To hear your footsteps
On the stairs
My mind is in
A million tiny pieces
Until you walk in
And save my sanity
With a smile

We discuss your day
You talk about your family
And how I ache to have
That strength
That unity
That you have there
I know you notice
How awkward
I feel when we're there
Because I know
I do not belong
Anywhere

I only know
How it feels
To be on the outside
Looking in
Aching with the need
To finally start
To feel normal
Like I belong
Somewhere
To someone
Other than
The demons
That haunt me

You've captured
The heart of a gypsy
A woman who's never belonged
A woman who's never known home
And I'm trying to be like everyone else
But you need to know
I'm struggling with the need
To belong
And the knowledge that
It would be best for you
If I ran...
Fast and far
So as not to taint you
With the filth of my past

Letter to Jillian 10/15/12

I miss you so much tonight
I lay thinking about you
Your beautiful
Kaleidoscope eyes
When you laugh
The angels smile

You've become a young woman
Thrown off the ribbons
Of your childhood
And you're rushing
Straight into becoming
A woman

A young woman who I don't know
Part of me is dying inside
Without you...
I miss you so much tonight
That I ache in my chest
That I do nothing but yearn
To feel you in my arms again

I have done you so wrong
I've made this mess
But every step I've taken
Down the road I'm on
Is improving me...
So I can be the mother
You deserve

If you'll only forgive me
Enough to allow me to show
You...

My love for you is endless...
Boundless...
And I will be here
To face my reckoning
For the pain I've
Inadvertently inflicted
On you...
Because of my mistakes

And I will wait
Until you're ready to
Confront me....
But I already know
Just how you feel.
I've been in your shoes
And I never dreamed
I'd put you through
Such hell.

You are a miracle
You are my light
It' so dark here
Without you
Please baby...
Shine on me again

Monday, October 15, 2012

Playing Nice 10/15/12

So I've decided
That I'm done
Playing nice
I don't give a holy
Fuck if you like the
Crazy bitch
That I've
Become

I'm happy
For the first time
In years
And I refuse
To change
The way I feel
About where I am
Who I'm with

I believe I've mentioned
That my give-a-shit
Is seriously malfunctioning
And I don't care to fix
That particular fuck-up

Letter to My Rapist 14 10/15/12

I've written to you
Just too damn much
For me to retain
Any semblance of
Myself
Without
You

I've gotten so tired
Of carrying
The weight
Of what you've done
And who I am
Because of it

I suck cigarettes
Like I'm giving my
Hatred head
Drop the f-bomb
Like the fucker's hot
And I could give a shit
Who likes it and
Who does not

I'm tired
Of hearing
The memory of the
Things you said
While you were
Fucking me raw
Things that I'd
Only suspected
Until then
But believe now
With a clarity
You'll never know

I am a dirty little slut
And I don't give a shit
I'm not worth using
Nicely...
Just bend me over
And let me take it
Up the ass
Like a good little girl
At least I don't deny
I like it that way

You wanted a dirty whore
And you got one
And now that I'm older
I'd love to introduce you
To the monster you created

But I ran

When I saw you
Just like the child
That couldn't run
All those years ago

One of these days
I won't run

C U Next Tuesday 10/15/12

So here's the truth
About this rabid cunt...
I'm not playing your game
I'm not giving in

I'll continue
To defy you
Until I choke
On your reasoning

I'm not even half
The crazy bitch you knew
I'm so much worse
Than you could
Even imagine

I believe in
Some crazy shit
I see even worse
So much so that it
Threatens to break
The bones
Inside my chest
Today

Samantha... 10/15/12

Your memory
Haunts me
Daily
Not one passes
Without feeling you
Knowing you're there
On the other side
Making it a better
Place for all
Because of you

I miss you Sammy
Every time
I lay out a reading
You're there
I feel you
Still learning
But teaching me
As well

You were too young
To to have to go the way you did
But I am comforted
With the knowledge
That you're there
That I will see
Those beautiful
Dark eyes
Again
And know
That you now have
What you had
Long sought

Peace

My Fuck You To You 10/15/12

I'm so sick of this
It's an every day thing
You're so transparent
I can almost see me
Right through you

So where is the right
Inside of all this wrong
I'm always your favorite
Scapegoat

So I'll just say
Here's a pretty little
Fuck You
From you're favorite
Junkie
Here's my great big
Suck it
You'll never
Make me ashamed of
How far I've come
So you're welcome to
Stop thinking that
The things you say
Will make me feel bad

I'm not your bitch
Not anymore

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Hunter 10/14/12

Do you really think
That I don't see
The way you look at me

Do you know that as dirty
As I can be,  I could never
Compare to what you personify

I had no desire to be
Any more than who and what
I already am, but you've changed me

I kind of get a kick out of the fact
That you left here earlier to go hunting
It's funny to me.. you have no idea

If you'd wanted to be a hunter
You couldn't have found
Easier prey
Than a willing woman

How To Fix Your Give-A Shit 10/14/12

You may notice
Without me pointing it out
That I just don't
Give a half
A fuck
About how you see me
About what you want
From me
About much at all

I've got a filthy mouth
And an even filthier mind
And I really
Wouldn't change it
Even if I wanted to
These thoughts are mine
And I'll be damned
If I'll let anyone
Take them from me
Especially because
You may not
Particularly like
The things I say
Or how I say them

I just don't care anymore
To fix my give-a-shit
I don't need or want
Your approval

That's just too fucking bad
For you...
Now isn't it

Junkie 10/14/12

I am one royally
Fucked up bitch
I'm nothing but a
Used up junkie
I've been there
I've done that
But I'm still fighting
The flip side
Of this battle

I'm fighting
What yesterday brought
And what today holds
I'm fighting
Who I was
Who you think I am
And who I want to be
At once

One thing
I don't think
You realize
Is that
Heroin
Is not
My middle name
I don't spill
Pills out of
My veins...
Not anymore

I am a junkie
I but I'm clean
I'm no longer
An Oxy-moron
But I'm definitely
A contradiction
I'm not using
But I'm not clean
Nor will I ever be
You can't go in
And scrub off
The layers of
Filth, of corruption
You see on and in me

I am a junkie
That's for sure,
But I'm no longer
Your scapegoat
So take your
Judgment
Elsewhere

Letter to My Rapist 13 10/14/12

So I slept
In his arms
Last night
I feel like
Every time I do
I defy you
And the ugliness
You left
In me
When you let
Me limp home
That night
So many years
Ago

And I am a
Defiant bitch
And by all hell,
I'll continue
To defy that memory
I swear I will

Three Words 10/14/12

How do you do it
Utter those words to me
And not see
What it does
Inside

It's like you're
Gluing the cracks
Shut with your
Goodness...
With your light

How do you
Make me
Feel like I can
Finally
Be set free

By just saying
Three little words

I live for Sunday's
When I can spend
This time with you
When I can let the
World stay right outside
Where it belongs

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Mind Fuck 10/13/12

I'm sick to death
Of this mind fuck
Wasn't it enough
That you took my
Childhood?
Wasn't my cherry
Good enough?
Do you have to
Mar everything
I come in contact with?
What the fuck is wrong
With me, that I can't get
You out of my mind today?
I sure as fuck don't
Want you there
Any more than I wanted
You to rape and sodomize
Me when I was just
A fresh faced teen
I hate you so much right now
But you know what?
I think I hate me
Even more

My Readings 10/13/12

A lot of you
Think that I am
A fraud...
That I am just
Bull shitting
My way through
That because I never
Let on to most of you
That I had this ability
That I must be
A flat out fake...

Last night, I asked
Those of you who have
Been read by me
To please post a comment
And you've all done so
But they're all over the place,
So I'm asking those of you
Who've become more than clients
To please take the time out
To comment here,
So that I can direct others
To your reactions to
What I read for you

It would be greatly, greatly appreciated....

Letter to My Rapist 12 10/13/12

I'm really letting you
Get under my skin today
I swear,
I don't know what the hell
I'd do if someone stopped here
And said...
"Here's some free heroin"
That would suck for my
Sobriety,
Let me tell you
Cuz I just want to forget
How you feel inside me
I saw your fucking face
Last night
And all I can think of
Was how you sounded
As you pushed your way
Inside of me
How you weren't even
Remotely gentle
Knowing after that first thrust
That you'd just
Ripped a fucking hole in me
That will never
Be filled
How the knowing
That you were my first fuck
Was making you drool
Onto my back
Like you'd just had
Thanksgiving feast
Laid out in front of you

I feel so violated
Right now
Violated
All over again
Seems like
You've been
Raping me
Daily

Games 10/13/12

Just not tired enough
It seems
To get you off my mind
Just not brave enough
To let go

Seeing you again
After all these years
Is like a knife
In my guts

I can't allow myself
To be stupid
About these feelings
And let go
Of my hard won
Sobriety
But tonight
Sobriety
Feels like
A clever little
Game I play

One I'm ready to lose

Raping Myself 10/13/12

Someone just made a statement
That kicked my ever loving ass...
And I'll be damned
If she didn't make more sense
Than anyone...

She said that if I continue
To allow my rapists
License to rent space
In my head
And come between
My past and my future
That I was in essence
Raping myself
Out of what good
That could be
If I'd only allow it

Way to go....
That's a hell of a thought

Bad One 10/13/12

Damn, I'm really
Having a bad night here
Got so much shit
Stored up inside
That I'm having
A hell of a time
Yanking it out

I guess it started with
My daddy blues
He couldn't stay
And I couldn't
Make him
But it didn't end there...

Then we jump
To the night
I lost my childhood
In one frantic fucking
Three hours you spent
Raping my innocence away
Until there was
Nothing left

Next comes
My first love
And my realization
That I wasn't meant
For better
So for years
I was a secret
Not good enough
And then
When you acknowledged
My effort in loving you
We ruined us
With drugs

So then came
The junkie
The slut
The dirty bitch
The whore
The cunt
That ripped the
Rest of the me
Out of me
So even I
Couldn't remember
Where I'd left
The pieces
Along the way

Then I woke up
For the first time
In years
And got my shit
Semi together
But nothing lasts
It seems...
When you don't
Come clean
And really work
To fix
The fuck up

So now here we are
On the other side
Of my relapse
Clean girl,
Once again
This time trying
To do it right
Instead of falling back
On my fucked up
Mentality
Instead of letting
Myself become
The bad one
The one you all
Looked over
And found
Wanting

The bad one
The one that lives
Just under
My skin
The bad one
Like there's two of me
The bad one
You just don't see
Murdered what good
There was
Years ago
I am
The bad one
And always
Will be

Letter To My Rapist 11... 10/13/12

I have to say
It's one thing
To feel you
Like a cancer
Eating away
Inside me
Making every
Good thing
Turn black
But it's a
New kind
Of hell
To see you
After all these years

Do you know how close
I came
To getting out
Of the car
And walking up
To you
And your family
And smiling...
While I
Stabbed you
In the nuts.
Just one look
And I'm back
Where I began
Unable to sleep
Without you
Ruining my
Dreams
Unable to
Feel good
About anything
Anyone

I see you
And I just want
To rip the skin
Off your hated face
I see you
And I want to
Gouge your eyes out
I see you
And I want to
Come home
And put a bullet
In my head
I see you
I see you

Friday, October 12, 2012

Billy Badass 10/12/12

Straight to fucking hell with you
I'm done with this
I'm amazed I've made it
As far as I have
And I'll be
God Fucking Damned
If I'll let your
Inability to do
Anything but
Criticize
Make me feel
Less because of
Where I've been
What I've done
I'm already paying
For my sins
Are you?
Listen up
Motherfucker
This game is over
I'll never again
Feel like I'm less
Than amazing
For how far I've come
You have no idea
How much agony
It took
To get here
You really think
You're something...
Billy Fucking Badass....

Soul Connection 10/12/12

How is it
You can meet someone
And in that first moment
Know...
Just know
That you were meant
To find each other
To make a soul connection
Damn...
I don't even like
To make nice
With other women
But I met you today
And heard it
Loud and clear...
The Click
Of my heart
Slamming yet another door
To my past
And opening
To you

Just Watch 10/12/12

This one goes out
To those of you like me
We are the ones
The rest of you
Overlook
As dirty
As pathetic
And not worth
Your time

My example begins
And ends here...
I was given
A hand up
Out of hell
And you just watch
Where I go from here...

You just watch

Victim's We Are NOT! (Rape) 10/12/12

Having been there myself
There are some things
I'd like to say to those of you
Who have walked this mile
And gotten as far as I have
Which isn't very far

He may have
Irrevocably changed you
He may have
Hurt you so badly
You feel there isn't
Room for anything
But the pain
But believe me
Healing isn't as hard
As I made it
For myself
He may have shattered you
Or placed the splinters
In your soul
But you can
Be free of
This memory...
And I know it's hard
I used heroin to forget
Popped so many pills
I thought I'd killed him
But all I really killed
Was me

The road is long
And you can't always
See the lines down the middle
But in your darkest moments
Please
Please
Remember this
You
Are
Not
Alone...

I would be MORE than happy
To talk to anyone
Who responds to this post...
Maybe together
We can begin
The healing

Letter to My Rapist 10 10/12/12

I hope I'm not
Just lying to myself
About being able
To shut you out
To shut you up
Because here I am
Yet another night
On the damn computer
Typing out my
Insecurity
While the man
I love
Lays sleeping
In the next room
I'm starting to think
I'll truly never
Be free of you
Never be free
Of this disgust
This inability
To just walk in there
And sleep beside him
Without you
Smack in the middle
Coming between him
And me
Making me
Question everything
Making me
Disillusioned
Once again

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 9 10/11/12

Not even you
Can fuck me up
On a day like today
Not even you
The destroyer of
Innocence
The cherry popper

I'm slowly digging
Your memory
A new hole
To hide in
One I can cover
With the light
You stole from me
That I'm now
Getting back

Because believe it
Or not
I am a good person
I am worth something
Maybe not much
In the eyes of
Those I loved
But in my eyes
I am worth
So much more
Than I've ever been
Credited with...

I'm more than
Just a fuck up
More than what
The world sees
On the outside
More than a
Dirty whore/junkie
More than a
Degenerate bitch
More than a
Bad mother
More than your
Victim

More...
And then some

Making Love 10/11/12

I'm having a moment
A moment of pure
Unadulterated
Bliss...
I'm making love
To the music
I've got locked
In my  soul

And you guys...
My brothers at arms
In this fight
To unleash
The songs
In our hearts
Are making it
Way too easy
For me
To let it all
Just spill out
Of me

Especially you Jeff...
I may be the voice
But you are the heart
You amaze me
With your talent
A light in the
Music world
That has so far
Not been taken
As seriously
As it deserves...

I say...
Let's show em all
The ones who said
We'd never be
What we wanted
Never achieve
The level of success
That we damn well
Deserve...

So here's my promise
In writing
I'll be with you
My brothers
All the way on this
It's time for us
To fight the battle
And finally win
This war

Letter to My Rapist 8 10/11/12

I'm so angry
At myself
Tonight
Every night
That I spend
Sitting here
Thinking of you
Instead of
Sleeping beside
Him...
The man who
Loves me for me
Who knows all my
Dirty little secrets
And still wants me
For me
He doesn't see
You lurking
In my shadows
Tainting every
Good thing
In my life
Making me
Remember
Every time
I seek peace
Beside him

Choir Girl 10/11/12

Sitting here
Talking
To an old friend
Who got me thinking...

Do you know
That this junkie
This unimaginable slut
This filthy fucking cunt
This woman you
Look down on
In digust
Was once a choir girl?

I was pure then...
I was innocent then
Because my mind
Hadn't unlocked
The memory
Of what you did to me
The night you
Fucked the innocence
Right out of me
The night you
Raped your way
Into my soul
The night
You murdered
The Choir Girl

The slaughter
Of the choir girl...
She's now a bloody
Fucked up mess
Because you killed
Her and left her
Lying face down
In the gully
That night

She didn't get
To limp away
Like I did
She didn't have
To live with
This memory
I carried her out
And tried
So hard
To make
Her whole

Sometimes...
Just sometimes...
I wish you'd killed
Us both

But I'm here
So mutilated
So broken
And so damn
Unclean that
I'll never be able
To put her back
Together

Because time
Can't erase
The memory
Of my unraveling
Of the night
You took the me
Out of me
Time can not
Erase....
The murder
Of the
Choir Girl

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

To My Girls 10/10/12

I write to you
But never get a reply
I ache for you
But never have relief
I call
But you won't
Get on the phone
I know
This is my punishment
For the wrongs
I've done you
And I deserve much
Much worse
Before this is through

I see you
Inside the
Government hell
I get one hour
To make memories
Good enough
To last a lifetime
One hour
That ends much to fast
And he pulls you
Away from me
Reaching for me
Crying for me
I can't put you through that
Not anymore
Watching you reach for me
While he drags you away
Isn't a memory
I want you to have of me

You're both
The only good
I've ever had
In this lifetime
And I swear
On everything I am
Before it's over
Things
Are going
To change

The Monster In Me 10/10/12

There is a darkness
There is a rage
There is a monster
Coming out to play

I am not whole
I'm not what you need
I have an animal
Living inside of me

When do I free this
How can I let this go
This belief that I've
I've fallen
Down the rabbit hole
Again

Falling down the rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
If you give me half the chance
   To breathe
I will get up off the ground
I refuse to remain
Locked inside this pain
I will demonstrate my ability
I'm giving over to the rage

There is a dirty bitch
Living deep inside my skin
There is a reckoning
Going on within

I am not clean
I'm not the girl you see
I am a portrait
Of what perfection
Will never be

When do I become the one
I was meant to be
When do I allow
My soul
To finally be free


So now I'm
Falling down the rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
If you give me half the chance
   To breathe
I will get up off the ground
I refuse to remain
Locked inside this pain
I will demonstrate my hatred
I'm giving over to the rage


I am not whole
And I am not what you need
I know now
That I will never be

I am not good
I am not free
I have a monster
Locked inside of me

To Our Band 10/10/12

Do you even know
How good this feels...
To have this
Music
Returned
To my
Empty
Existence
To be able to
Plug in
The microphone
And let the
Anger
The disillusionment
The blind rage
I have inside me
Spill out
With every note
I sing
Because I ache
Inside until
Saturday nights
When we meet
When we blend
Our talents
Our passions
With the only
Prayer
A true musician
Knows
Somehow
You've found the
Key
To unlock my
Soul
And my love
For what we do
Takes me
Back to
The musician's
Heaven...
Whatever told me
To contact you
I'd love to
Thank in some way
But I believe
Our music
Is thanks
Enough

Letter to My Rapist 7 10/10/12

I fell asleep
Last night
Without my
Normal nightmare
Making me
Wake up
Screaming
Because things
Have changed
For me
I've found someone
Who's light
Is helping me
Banish
Your darkness
My darkness
I finally believe
That he's
Deeper inside of me
Than you are
That his reality
Is stronger
Than your memory
That his goodness
Is melting
The bonds
You have wrapped me in
For so many years
For too damn long
I am finally,
Allowing myself
To live
Outside
Of your
Shadow

Side Note 10/10/12

Let's get something straight
I'm not one of  those people
You know,
The ones that live on
Little white lies

I don't play nice
Or say what you
Want to hear
I know I'm a bitch
What's your excuse?

I refuse to live
What's left of my life
On maybe's
Or could-have-been's

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 6 10/9/12

I have been set free
For the first time
I have chosen
To live
Without the shadow
Of you
Hovering over me
Every time
I try to get close
To the man
I love
So I'm letting you go
One crimson drop
At a time
I'll bleed you out
If that's what it takes
For me to feel
Clean enough
Worthy enough
For this man
Who's love
Will break
Your hold
On my sanity

A Place Called Home 10/8/12

There is a place for me
In your bed,
Empty
Waiting for me
Calling me
Like a
Siren
Like a beacon
In the night
Calling me
To a foreign place
I haven't been
In so long
I don't know
How to act
Don't know how
Don't know why
You said
You love me
Just as I love you
Seems like a dream
Like a lie from
The devil
To taunt my
Aching need
To be allowed
To call you
Mine...
To be able
To call this
Home...
It has been
So damn long
Since I was able
To know what
It is to feel
Serenity
To be able
To feel
Worthy enough
Of your embrace
Because you don't see
The layers of
Filth
All over me
You've made me
Feel clean
For the first time
In so long
That I can't help
But feel like
This isn't real
You've handed me
A life
That I have
Only ever believed
Could belong
To anyone
But me
You've shown me
A place
Called home...
A place for me
To heal
A place for me
To revel in
The sweet words
You whispered to me
To let them
Begin the
Healing
And for the first time
In forever...
I now believe
That with your
Tenderness
And your ability
To complete me
Will finally
Show me
How to
To allow myself
To be loved
You've unlocked
The prison I built
Inside me
To shield me
From humanity
You've annihilated
All my safe guards
You're too good for
The likes of me
But you've got me
Under your spell
And now,
Now that you've
Told me what's
In your heart...
Now that I know
That I have not
Been loving
In vain..
Now that I know
You've seen my
Darkness
For what it is
And still choose
To give me the gift
Of your love
Now I know
With every
Fiber of my being
That I am home
That I am loved
And that I'm ready
Finally
To take that
Empty spot
Beside you
And call it
Home

I am home
I am loved
And I am ready
To begin
To really live
This new life
To walk beside you
With my head
Held high
With the pride
Of a woman
Finally set free

Monday, October 8, 2012

Monday's Pain 10/8/12

I see your beautiful face
And I'm undone
I've done you so wrong
I've done you both so wrong
I feel the regret and the fury
Chewing away inside of me
And my first instinct is to
Make myself numb
To let myself fall apart
Because I can't ease this
Gnawing ache
My heart in my
Throat
I'm choking
On the pain
I can't erase
For any of us
But if you'll let me in
If you'll just put
An ounce of faith
In the mother
I could be for you now
I'll show you
I swear I'll show you
The mother
You both
Deserve
Not the one
That let everything
Fall apart
That put you where
You are now
Far from me

Copyright Whore 10/8/12

I just love people like you
People who think
That they're somehow
Better than me
Because they haven't
Made the mistakes
That I have
People that believe
That even after
All the things I've
Seen and done
I'd have to steal
Their thoughts and
Their words
People that believe
That their "medical problems"
Don't make them
Just as much
An addict
As I am
At least I don't
Need to lie
To myself

People like you
Amuse me
Because
I see through you

Making Light 10/8/12

I lay beside you
And I'm able to dream
Without the
Nightmares
That invade
Even my waking
World

There are no
Words
To describe
Just how much
I feel
When I'm in your
Arms

It's almost like
We're not
Making love
You're making
Light
In my darkness

A light that
Burns me
From the inside out
Incinerating my will
To leave well enough
Alone

A light that
Makes me fear you
Because I now know
Just how good
My love for you
Tastes

And I'd give
Just about anything
To taste
Yours

Sunday, October 7, 2012

Nasty Bitch 10/7/12

I've got to find
A new way to look
At the mess I'm in
A new way to come
To terms with
My past
And the possibility
Of a future
I've got to learn
How to fight this battle
Without resorting to
My contingency plan
Without falling
Back down the
Rabbit Hole
When you learn
How much
I really do
Believe in us
Because you're
Worth fighting for
And I can be
A nasty bitch
When I'm backed
Into a corner
One signal from you
Is all it's going to take
And it's on
The fight for
A life with you
Instead of taking
The chicken shit
Way out
One more time

Letters to My Rapist 5 10/7/12

Someday,
You'll know how it feels
To lay in bed
Beside the one you love
And be unable
To bridge the gap
Between
Being unable
To fix what you've done
And your inability
To make amends
For the pain
You've inflicted
You need to experience
What I do
You need to know
This kind of torment
Having to keep your love
Locked inside
Of you
Like I do
You need to taste
The tears of
Frustration
And rage
As I do
Every time
I choke back
My desire to
Let him in
Deeper
Than you
You need to feel the
Searing agony
In my guts
From trying to become
Something more
Than your victim
Trying to become
Unbroken

Significance 10/7/12

I do not deserve
Time
Without the 
Ever present 
Gnawing of
My reason
Versus my 
Will 

I don't deserve 
To sleep beside you
You don't need
To have your dreams
Invaded by my
Chaos

There's dirt
In my mouth
From choking
On a million
Words
I wish I'd said
Last night

A million words
I'll shove down
Inside my empty
Soul
I can't let this out
I can't give this breath
I can't give this the
Significance
It fully deserves

Because when the
Dam breaks
And the words
Spill out
Along with my
Desire to ease
This ache

I'm afraid
You'll walk through
The mess I've made