Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Jason 7/23/13

While you slept
You put your arms around me
As I reached over you
To take our daughter
To feed her
And I sit here now
Trying to remember
The last time you
Held me
And I so needed to be held
After the day I had.
After the pain
All I know
All I can say
Is that I remember
How good,
How at peace,
How safe,
I felt
The last time
You wrapped me
In your embrace
And I have missed
That feeling
More than I know
How to express...
And feeling it again
Was like an answered prayer
In an otherwise Godless existence
Even though
You probably
Don't remember it...
Even though
You probably didn't know
What you were doing
In the time it took you
To unconsciously
Throw an arm around me
You showed me
A glimpse
Of heaven

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Playing My Hand 7/20/13

I've found that lately
I've been crawling out from
The impression I've been under
So as not to play
This hand too fast
To show you too many tells
Too many ways
To see me laid bare
Trying to keep my head
As I watch you
Opening up to me
Every day more
It seems...
I fall deeper
And I fear
I'm about to
Show my hand
Before all the cards
Have been dealt

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Penance... 7/18/13

I fully understand
That I have been given a gift
In one hand
And a knife to cut my heart out
In the other
I have come to see that
This pain I feel
From missing you
Has been my penance
All along
I have hurt
Everyone I love
With the exception
Of very few
And I am paying the price
For my mistakes
Every time my heart
Gets ripped apart
At the mere mention
Of you
And it's a pain I crave
Like a drug
Because I want to hear about you
About all that you're doing
Saying, and feeling
In my absence...
And I say that it won't be long
Before we're together again
Before you get to meet your
Baby sister
Who's given me such bittersweet joy
Without you to share it with
Without your knowledge of the fact
That you're a big sister now
I know that I don't deserve
Even a moment of happiness
After the hurt I have inflicted
On all of you
And if it makes you feel any better
At all...
Just know that I endure the pain
For all of us
Every time I hear about you
I am undone
Torn up inside
But this agony
Gives me hope

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Together... 7/17/13

Eyes open
Heart in hand
I may as well
Lay all the pieces 
Of who I am
On a silver platter
So as to serve it up
To you
I have given you 
The means 
The weapons
That will end me
Should you decide
That I'm not 
The one you want
Not the one
You want to 
Build this beautiful life
That you've created
Standing beside 
So here I sit
For the other shoe
To crash into
My world...
But enjoying 
Every moment 
With you
Until it does

Friday, July 12, 2013

Letting Go... 7/12/13

Letting go
Of you
Of this
Is eating a hole in me
Letting go
Of what could have come
Out of the destruction
Of what was
Is keeping me awake
Letting out
The hurt
The disillusionment
The only way I know how
And I find myself
To produce the sound
Of this pain
Of this hurt

Of letting you go...

Monday, July 8, 2013

The Last Night 7/8/13

This is very possibly
The last night
I will feel you
Moving sweetly
Inside of me
The last night
I will have to
Hold my hand
On my swollen belly
And wonder
Is this a hand?
A foot?
A knee?
I'll be able to kiss
Those hands,
Those feet
Hold you in my arms
Instead of in my body
And nurse you
Give you nourishment
From my own body
I'll finally see
If it's as I've dreamed
To see if you have
Your daddy's blue eyes
My lips, my chin
As it looks in the
Pictures I've been given
In the dreams I've had
As you lay sheltered
Inside of me...
But soon...
To make your entrance
Into my life
Into my world

Friday, July 5, 2013

Right 7/5/13

What is "right"...
Can you tell me the difference
Between right 
And what is meant to be?
Because I've gotten somewhat
Lost along the way...
Guess my view is somewhat 
Because I don't see
Right the right way
I don't see the wrong
In a lot
My morals
My values
My way of viewing the world
Isn't what you'd call
And I am not ashamed
Of the way I've had to live
My crazy life
I've said before
And I'll say again
That these things
These things you'd say
Just aren't right
Are the wrong that made
Me the me you see today
I've had to fight to survive
In a world that most people
Only ever live in
Perhaps I've always been
Just a little wrong
I think sometimes that the
Wrong is buried so deeply in me
That I'll never really know
What "right" feels like 
But it's okay
I may be wrong 
Just a little broken
But I like the person
I've become
While trying to find the
That emerges so slowly
Out of all the wrong.