Saturday, July 26, 2014

Cause of Death 7/25/14

I have been as insulted as 
A woman and a mother as 
I am going to allow 
As of today I am no longer
Going to sit and take this
Vicious slander 
From people who
Once called themselves 
Family... People who are
Unable to deal with certain 
Truths that I will spell out 
Once again
So that there is no mistake. 
I spoke again with the 
Funeral director today
Just to hear from him    
That there was no change 
From his original findings
My child passed away 
From SIDS. 
But for some reason 
Someone connected to
Her fathers family would 
Rather spread 
Lies and try to 
Justify Kairi's passing
By telling people that I 
Caused the death 
Of my angel. 
And it is because of this
Because they would all
Rather believe this bull shit
And allow this woman 
Who is speaking for them
Without having even known 
My child
That I have set on a course of
Action that I believe I have to. 
At the time of her passing 
I allowed her urn to include
The last name of this family
Because I believed I was doing 
The right thing

And today I ordered the new one
While I had the director on the phone
So that her name is correct
As it was on her birth certificate 
Because my give a shit has finally
Shattered where this is concerned 
I loved my daughter to distraction and 
I refuse to take this sickening 
Insult quietly. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 
I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 
What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 
I miss you. 
I love you. 
And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

Monday, July 21, 2014

To Connie Lynn 7/21/14

I looked through you
And saw myself 
On the other side 
I tried so hard 
To make myself 
Into someone 
You could love
But in the end 
I made you hate
All that I'd tried
So hard to be

This was my own mistake

I tried to love someone
Who couldn't love me
For what I was
Someone who took me
In hand and shaped me
Like clay, crushed me and 
Strangled what I was
Until I was without
A shape and form
Poured me out into
A mold I was too big
To fit
And left me there 
To wither and die
In the sunlight 
Just to make me 
Pretty enough
To make him feel
Pretty enough
To shelter the lie
That was his love
Until I began to 
Crack and chip away 
At the deceit 
And found a woman
Without form
For me to shape
This time
For me

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Fallout 7/19/14

I have a tendency 
To torture myself 
With things I should 
I seek out people
I should stay
Away from and 
I let situations that
Have no bearing 
On myself 
Become objects of 
I see things I 
Shouldn't sometimes
And for that reason 
I have tried to 
Make someone I
Once cared greatly for
See the folly of the 
Choices of recent past
It matters not that I haven't 
Been wrong yet in my readings 
But people will do what they will
Be damned the consequences 
I just fear the enormity of the 
Fallout from this choice 
This decision that you've made
In spite of the warning 
You feel up your spine and 
In your gut
As you read these words. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Voices 7/17/14

If there were words
To say what I need to
To fix my ever present 
Fuck ups 
I would tattoo them 
Across my heart
And hand it to you
I loved you
As a child 
Even though I didn't show it
I was always proud of you
Even though I did nothing to 
Earn it 
I heard your voice today
For the first time in years
And the tears fell like rain
Trying to cleanse
My guilt
That I don't deserve 
To be free of 
There aren't enough tears
To wash away
The pain 
Of losing you 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Shadows 7/16/14

As always
In the shadows 
As you dance onto 
The scene
With hair and skirt
Fanning out around you
Like a halo 
A woman's charms 
All her own 

Her secrets
Buried deeply 
All these years
Begin to show 
Around her eyes 
And her laugh lines
Furrow deeply 
Into worry
And the scars 
She held tightly
On the inside
Begin to shape her

Once a young girl
Full of promise 
Full of life
Now feels old
And withered inside 
Where she once held 
Her female charms
Became a chasm of 
Despair and anger
That she uses as a weapon
To deflect any hint of softness
Taken these days too often 
As weakness
And that she shows only 
In these shadows in which I stand
Watching memories of myself 
Play across my mind
Of the days before 
My reality came home
With ribbons undone. 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Thanks to Tony 7/9/14

A tiny prince lays sleeping
Curled tightly into a ball 
Even though he is safe
Even though he is sheltered
From the storm
This night
He lays resting 
As though he has traveled
A great distance
And is weary 
From the road
He finds himself
A broke down palace
To take this respite
Full of women 
As road worn as he

And he is instantly adored
Because he shows them
That even though his beginning 
Was not one if pride
His present and his future
Are not set 
And he gives them all the love
He still carries inside
Through the world has shown him
Only pain
He still carries the ability
To love uninhibitedly 

Showing them that they too
Carry the ability to hold 
Such love inside

Monday, July 7, 2014

Happy Birthday Kairi 7/8/14

I sit here 
Your tiny fingers
Wrapped around mine
How you would lay on
Your changing table and 
You would talk you your 
Stuffed chihuahua that I
Swear you named "Agee"
And girl, sometimes you'd
Get so mad at that stinking 
How you would lay on my chest
And look up into my eyes
And show me what it felt like
To be where you are now.
How you would lay sleeping
Peacefully in your crib
And how hard it was 
To look away
I remember every moment 
You spent in my arms 
And how it felt when you
Moved in me
For the first time
And every time after
I would lay and dream
And pray and hope
Until the day I pushed you
Into this world 
And saw for the first time
What an angel really looked like. 
I remember our first talk
In the hospital when we
Were alone about how
I got to have the honor
Of being your mother 
Of giving you my name
Of being the only one 
Who got to shelter and protect 
You inside of me. 
And that is one honor I 
Won't take lightly

Tomorrow would have been 
Your first birthday. 
I should have been putting 
Together a party for a princess
Instead of releasing balloons 
So you can have them in heaven.
Tomorrow your family, 
The ones who have stood
Strong in their love for you
Are going to meet me. 
To honor you
No cake and candles
Your light will never be extinguished
No silly birthday games for kids
The adults have already played them
But by God, my baby
Will have her balloons

No laughter 
No pigtails 
No ribbons 
No lace

Your memory time
Can not erase

All my love to you
Kairi Alina McGowan