Thursday, November 16, 2017

Breanne's Obituary 11/16/

Once again
I lay here on my bed
Contemplating
The truly insane
Conundrum that has
Become my world

And the sad part is
I get excited...
The game gets me
Up and moving

Instead of wallowing
In my misery
And choking on
The hurt and the
Disappointment
Inside me
Over all the losses
I have suffered

I find myself just
Existing in this life..
Like Breanne died
The day Kairi lay
Lifeless in her arms
You lost Breanne too...

And you're left with
Bre
The empty, cold,
Insane bitch you see
Before you now
I may still be walking
But I'm so dead inside
There is no coming back
My heart has been shattered
One too many times and
I just can't seem
To make myself
Love
Anything

Anything but the daughter
Who hasn't spoken to me
Since she assumed incorrectly
That I killed her baby sister
And the child that loves
And misses me who I can't
See because I know she will
End up hating me too
And that will End it for me
The living corpse I am
Will finally lose everything

And end this living death
I seem to be buried under

Thursday, October 19, 2017

Everybody Elses Girl 10/19/17

I can't count them
The ones that bring me
Flowers that make me
So sick to see that I
End up burying them
At the bottom of my
Garbage can.

The ones that tell me
I'm beautiful
Because they choose not
To see the monster that
Lives just beneath my skin
That I feel inside
Every time
I hear how
Beautiful they think
I am...
Makes me sick
Because I lost any
Bit of beauty
I still had in me
The day I started
Making them all pay
For what should only
Be given in love

The day I became
Everybody else's girl
Maybe one day
I'll be my own...

Monday, October 2, 2017

Benediction 10/2/17

I feel my heart
Where there was 
Nothing but a 
Silent benediction
An empty echoing
Chamber where 
My love laid dried up
Withered... Dust 

Until you came along... 

And somehow,
Became the 
Benediction 
Without my realizing
It had even happened
Until it was too late
To stop it...
Too late

Tuesday, September 12, 2017

Glutton for Punishment 9/12/17

There's something about
The way you make me feel
Because you make me feel
When no one else can
You touch something inside me
That I thought had died
The last time I had my heart
Handed back to me
In pieces

I guess I'm just a
Glutton for punishment

Cuz I know you will too
I know inherently
That you are only in my life
To show me
That I'm still capable
Of achieving
The myth
Of love

Yeah I said it

Love

But I don't know if
I am falling for you
Or the idea of you
What you have become
To me in such a short time

How I find myself
Holding my breath
When I hear footsteps
On my stairs
Because every time
I hope you'll be the one
Coming inside....

I know I'm broken
I know you don't see me
In the same light

But in the dark
Having you snoring
In bed beside me
Or laying in your arms
On our way to the moon...

Those stolen moments with you
Have become the highlight
Of my days

Watching you sleep
The way you look so
At peace
Because yes...
I laid there and
Watched you sleep
For a while...

I can't tell you
Any of this
Because I know
If I do
I'll have to sweep up
The last pieces of my heart
I gave you without
Your knowledge

So I spill my guts here
Because I find I'm choking
On the words I can't say
And I fear the day
They come spilling out





Saturday, September 2, 2017

Confusion 9/1/17

I'm completely and totally
Confused by you
Baffled
Undone
Because there are so many
Sides to you
That I don't know
Which I crave more
The side that I found
Sleeping peacefully
In my bed this morning
Or the one I saw just
Moments after you woke
I have never wanted
Someone inside me
As badly
As I do
You...
But I find
You're already there
Because I see you
Every time I close
My eyes
I'd have given anything
To have been asleep
Beside you
To feel your arms
Wrapped around me
Protected
Safe
But I know
Deep inside
You don't want me
Not like I do you
And it cuts me
To the quick
When you
Disregard
My advances
When I can't give you
The ride you
Seek

Thursday, August 31, 2017

Mine 8/31/17

Every time I see you
It slams home the
Reality I've come to
Expect from life
The look on your face
That says you
See me
But you don't see me
You don't see how
Behind the facade
I yearn for you
I ache to make you
Smile at me
You make me want
To be a better
Person
But I can't show you
The me I want you
To see more than
Any other.
I can't show you
How badly
I want to
Call you mine

Wednesday, August 30, 2017

Landmine 8/30/17

I allowed myself
To care too much
And have stepped
Into a landmine
One I saw coming
A mile away
But was too full of
Hope
To make myself
Avoid the danger
And now
Standing poised
On the edge
Of annihilation
I find there's only
One place
I would rather be

In your arms

Monday, August 28, 2017

Crave 8/27/17

There are too many
Pieces of me
That I've lost
Along the way
Too many sides
To choose but
Very few
I care to be on
Except my own

Until you
Walked into my life
When it was so close
To ending
I could taste it
And craved its embrace

Until you
Gave me that smile
Free of charge
And made something
Wake up inside
The nothing
I've become

So that the only embrace
I crave now
Is yours

Evaluation 8/19/2017

So I lay here in my bed..
5 am
Hearing the morning birds
Bitching outside my window...
And I'm seriously thinking it's time
To to evaluate....
To take stock
Of the ones I want
To be in my life
Come daylight...

I don't even know anymore
Which ones are really my friends
Or which ones are my
Worst enemies....
But I do know this...
The one I absolutely despise
More than the rest
Won't stop smirking at me
From my bathroom mirror

Friday, July 28, 2017

Colder 7/28/17

I lay here becoming
Colder inside
With every breath
I believe truly
That there is something
Wrong with me
Something broken
Because a person isn't
Supposed to go through
Life
So numb
So tired of being hurt
That you've cut yourself off
From feeling anything
From allowing yourself
The forbidden pleasure of
Allowing yourself
To be loved
Because finding yourself
Daring to reach for something
You haven't allowed yourself
To feel and finding that
It was nothing more than a
Cruel joke
A whim of someone
Just as broken
Could be the last hurt
You allow yourself to feel
Before you truly find yourself
Completely lost
And unable to love
And unwilling to try

Thursday, May 4, 2017

Song and Dance 5/4/17

I believe
That once again
I have placed myself
In a situation
That I have 
Lost control
And I am once again
On the edge
Just one carefully
Measured step away
From falling
And watching 
The life I have 
Placed together
So carefully
Come crashing down
Around me...
Just one wrong move
And I will
Find myself 
Back on the street
And I'm starting 
To wonder....
If that's not where
I'm supposed to be...
Because playing the 
"I can do it on my own"
Theme seems to be 
A song and dance that
I simply 
Can not
Learn...

And I'm tired
Of trying to be 
Tough
Tired of being 
Alone
Tired of having 
No one
Nothing 
To hold
When nights like these
Come crashing down

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Jillian 10/5/16

I would do anything
To show you
How much I miss you
And how badly I want
To find some common ground
On which to stand beside you.

I would give anything
To have been the mother
You deserved
I know why you despise me
Why you don't want to
Allow me to be a part of
Your life now...
And I don't blame you...
The only thing I was ever
Truly good at
Is fucking everything up
So now
My hope hangs
On the possibility of
Someday...
Someday maybe...
Someday you'll be able to
Look at me
And no longer
Find me wanting
I know I can never
Make it right...
But I would give my life
For the opportunity
To try...

Until then
My heart resides
Where it always has

With you

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Cycles 9/20/16

I find myself 
Coming back around 
Defining insanity
Daily
Repeating old
Mistakes 
Until I'm 
Maddened
By the 
Same old
Cycles 
Taking me 
Around 
The roller coaster 
Again
Praying with each
Loop
That I 
Derail 

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Changes 8/4/16

It summer again...
School's out
Sun and sand
Everything is green and
All the flowers are in bloom
Kids play in the parks
And swimming in the lake
The temperature soars
Outside

And inside
I'm cold
Just waiting for
The fall to come
And sweep all this
Summer away
To bring back the rain
And the gloom

I even know
To the day
When summer died
For me
September 14th, 2013
The day we lost
My Kairi
To the uncomparable
Agony of SIDS
It really hasn't dawned on me
Until just this year
How much
Things have changed
Inside of me
With everything
I touch
And how
Cold I am
Inside
Now that
The light
Has left me

Friday, May 20, 2016

The Accident 5/20/16

I am not at fault this time
I did nothing wrong
I swerved right
When I should have gone left
And when I came to
I had lost more
Than I had ever bargained for
Because I lost you
Sitting in the wreckage
Of something once so beautiful
Something once so precious to me
While the realization hit
About the same time I hit the boulder
I've lost you
After I spent the day
Trying to do something good for you
Trying and succeeding to pull a rabbit
Out of my normally empty hat for you
And on my way to pick you up
To show you that I had accomplished
This amazing hat trick
The fates decided to test our connection
By throwing us a curve

I believe everything happens for a reason
And even in the midst of tragedy,
You learn something about yourself or others
And now I've learned a lesson about us
That I never thought I would see
I thought I had found a true friend in you
Someone who would stick with me
During the good times
As well as the bad
But now I see
What I had hoped
I never would...

Please just know
That I love you
And I am very sorry
Accidents happen
It's how we face the bad times
How we deal with the problems
And remain true to each other
That define a friendship

I guess your definition got lost in translation


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Wanting 5/3/16

I am simply
And completely
Undone
Every time I think
That I gave gained
An inch
I find myself standing
Still in the broken pieces
Of the life I once
Called mine

I miss you
More than mere words
Will ever express
More than actions
Can even show
With a ferocity
That eats a hole in me
And I am undone again
Each time you took at me
And turn away

Found wanting

So I wait

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Remembrance 3/10/15

Having one of those nights... I'm missing my Kairi so bad tonight... Missing the way she would yell at her little stuffed Chihuahua she dubbed "Ah-Gee"... Missing how she would snuggle against my chest as she fell asleep in my arms...  Missing how she would look up at her big sister with wonder in her eyes.... Missing how she would perk right up as soon as she heard Daddy's truck pull into the yard... Missing watching and thinking what a lucky little girl she was for having such a wonderful and devoted father... And how lucky we were to be blessed with such a sweet angel to call ours...

Just missing her.....
Remembering her sweetness
Her light
As I sit here in the dark
And pray that she is happy
Where she is....
That she doesn't have to feel
This agony
This gnawing ache
In her heart
And praying that she knows
Just how much
She was loved
Adored....
And how much
I love her still
With every breath I take
Without her in my arms

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Disappointment 3/6/16

dis·ap·point·ment
disəˈpointmənt
noun
1.) The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.
2.) A person, event, or thing that causes disappointment.

It seems that every time we speak
You have some small way of cutting me
To the quick
Of making me feel
Small
And normally,
I allow you to speak your piece
Tell me how no good I am
And feel like shit
For days following
The storm...

In the last conversation we had,
You decided the topic would be
How disappointed
You are
In me

How I've never lived
Up to your hopes
Your expectations
For me
And how I'm basically
Just a worthless
Bag of shit and
Broken dreams
To you...

But for once...
I decided it was time
To speak my piece...
To tell you
Just how disappointed
I am
In you...

That I have a disease
That you never bothered to
Learn anything about
And still believe I can
Shake off like a dog
Shaking off water

And when I needed you
To be my mother
When we stood in
The hospital
And we held my child's
Lifeless body
For the last time
When I needed
My Mother

The absolute most

You walked away

Again

So here we are
Sitting and wallowing
In our respective
Disappointments...
Letting them fester
Like infected wounds...
And it's getting us
Nowhere....

So I'm done
Living with this pain
I refuse to allow it
Even one more corner
To rent space in my head
If  you can't swallow your
Disappointment,
Like I've swallowed mine...
Then I guess that's your call...
I can't make you
Want to be
My Mother
Anymore
Than I can make
You want me
As your
Daughter...

But I wish you could... 

I See 3/6/16

I saw you in passing
Just the other day
And I tried
To talk with you
Laugh with you
Take joy in
How much better
You're looking
And feeling
And doing

And I tried to share
My joy with you
Because so much
Has changed
For the both
Of us...

But you looked
Right through me
Like I was some
Disease from
Your past
That you wished
You could erase
And left
In such a hurry
You'd think
I'd tried
To bring you
Back
To the hell
You crawled
Out of

Yes,..
You look wonderful
You seem to have it all
In check now
But remember
I see you
For who you were then
And who you are now
And wanted only to
Take joy in today...
And wish you the best...

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Ferocity 2/23/16

I miss you
More than
Mere words
Could ever
Express

Endlessly
Forever
I will love you
And in the words
Of my father
I'll be here
Praying
That you'll
Want me
In your life
When you're
Old enough
To understand
The situation
I created that
Tore our world
To pieces....

You one way...
Your sister another...

And me
In the middle
Missing you both
With a ferocity
That brings me
To my knees