Thursday, October 6, 2016

Jillian 10/5/16

I would do anything
To show you
How much I miss you
And how badly I want
To find some common ground
On which to stand beside you.

I would give anything
To have been the mother
You deserved
I know why you despise me
Why you don't want to
Allow me to be a part of
Your life now...
And I don't blame you...
The only thing I was ever
Truly good at
Is fucking everything up
So now
My hope hangs
On the possibility of
Someday...
Someday maybe...
Someday you'll be able to
Look at me
And no longer
Find me wanting
I know I can never
Make it right...
But I would give my life
For the opportunity
To try...

Until then
My heart resides
Where it always has

With you

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Cycles 9/20/16

I find myself 
Coming back around 
Defining insanity
Daily
Repeating old
Mistakes 
Until I'm 
Maddened
By the 
Same old
Cycles 
Taking me 
Around 
The roller coaster 
Again
Praying with each
Loop
That I 
Derail 

Thursday, August 4, 2016

Changes 8/4/16

It summer again...
School's out
Sun and sand
Everything is green and
All the flowers are in bloom
Kids play in the parks
And swimming in the lake
The temperature soars
Outside

And inside
I'm cold
Just waiting for
The fall to come
And sweep all this
Summer away
To bring back the rain
And the gloom

I even know
To the day
When summer died
For me
September 14th, 2013
The day we lost
My Kairi
To the uncomparable
Agony of SIDS
It really hasn't dawned on me
Until just this year
How much
Things have changed
Inside of me
With everything
I touch
And how
Cold I am
Inside
Now that
The light
Has left me

Friday, May 20, 2016

The Accident 5/20/16

I am not at fault this time
I did nothing wrong
I swerved right
When I should have gone left
And when I came to
I had lost more
Than I had ever bargained for
Because I lost you
Sitting in the wreckage
Of something once so beautiful
Something once so precious to me
While the realization hit
About the same time I hit the boulder
I've lost you
After I spent the day
Trying to do something good for you
Trying and succeeding to pull a rabbit
Out of my normally empty hat for you
And on my way to pick you up
To show you that I had accomplished
This amazing hat trick
The fates decided to test our connection
By throwing us a curve

I believe everything happens for a reason
And even in the midst of tragedy,
You learn something about yourself or others
And now I've learned a lesson about us
That I never thought I would see
I thought I had found a true friend in you
Someone who would stick with me
During the good times
As well as the bad
But now I see
What I had hoped
I never would...

Please just know
That I love you
And I am very sorry
Accidents happen
It's how we face the bad times
How we deal with the problems
And remain true to each other
That define a friendship

I guess your definition got lost in translation


Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Wanting 5/3/16

I am simply
And completely
Undone
Every time I think
That I gave gained
An inch
I find myself standing
Still in the broken pieces
Of the life I once
Called mine

I miss you
More than mere words
Will ever express
More than actions
Can even show
With a ferocity
That eats a hole in me
And I am undone again
Each time you took at me
And turn away

Found wanting

So I wait

Thursday, March 10, 2016

Remembrance 3/10/15

Having one of those nights... I'm missing my Kairi so bad tonight... Missing the way she would yell at her little stuffed Chihuahua she dubbed "Ah-Gee"... Missing how she would snuggle against my chest as she fell asleep in my arms...  Missing how she would look up at her big sister with wonder in her eyes.... Missing how she would perk right up as soon as she heard Daddy's truck pull into the yard... Missing watching and thinking what a lucky little girl she was for having such a wonderful and devoted father... And how lucky we were to be blessed with such a sweet angel to call ours...

Just missing her.....
Remembering her sweetness
Her light
As I sit here in the dark
And pray that she is happy
Where she is....
That she doesn't have to feel
This agony
This gnawing ache
In her heart
And praying that she knows
Just how much
She was loved
Adored....
And how much
I love her still
With every breath I take
Without her in my arms

Sunday, March 6, 2016

Disappointment 3/6/16

dis·ap·point·ment
disəˈpointmənt
noun
1.) The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.
2.) A person, event, or thing that causes disappointment.

It seems that every time we speak
You have some small way of cutting me
To the quick
Of making me feel
Small
And normally,
I allow you to speak your piece
Tell me how no good I am
And feel like shit
For days following
The storm...

In the last conversation we had,
You decided the topic would be
How disappointed
You are
In me

How I've never lived
Up to your hopes
Your expectations
For me
And how I'm basically
Just a worthless
Bag of shit and
Broken dreams
To you...

But for once...
I decided it was time
To speak my piece...
To tell you
Just how disappointed
I am
In you...

That I have a disease
That you never bothered to
Learn anything about
And still believe I can
Shake off like a dog
Shaking off water

And when I needed you
To be my mother
When we stood in
The hospital
And we held my child's
Lifeless body
For the last time
When I needed
My Mother

The absolute most

You walked away

Again

So here we are
Sitting and wallowing
In our respective
Disappointments...
Letting them fester
Like infected wounds...
And it's getting us
Nowhere....

So I'm done
Living with this pain
I refuse to allow it
Even one more corner
To rent space in my head
If  you can't swallow your
Disappointment,
Like I've swallowed mine...
Then I guess that's your call...
I can't make you
Want to be
My Mother
Anymore
Than I can make
You want me
As your
Daughter...

But I wish you could... 

I See 3/6/16

I saw you in passing
Just the other day
And I tried
To talk with you
Laugh with you
Take joy in
How much better
You're looking
And feeling
And doing

And I tried to share
My joy with you
Because so much
Has changed
For the both
Of us...

But you looked
Right through me
Like I was some
Disease from
Your past
That you wished
You could erase
And left
In such a hurry
You'd think
I'd tried
To bring you
Back
To the hell
You crawled
Out of

Yes,..
You look wonderful
You seem to have it all
In check now
But remember
I see you
For who you were then
And who you are now
And wanted only to
Take joy in today...
And wish you the best...

Tuesday, February 23, 2016

Ferocity 2/23/16

I miss you
More than
Mere words
Could ever
Express

Endlessly
Forever
I will love you
And in the words
Of my father
I'll be here
Praying
That you'll
Want me
In your life
When you're
Old enough
To understand
The situation
I created that
Tore our world
To pieces....

You one way...
Your sister another...

And me
In the middle
Missing you both
With a ferocity
That brings me
To my knees

Monday, February 15, 2016

Black Sheep 2/15/16

They gather
The happy family
In celebration
Of one thing
Or another....
And they laugh,
They tell stories
Hug children
Share woe's
Filling in
The spaces
Between this
Gathering
And the last...

There's so much
That I could share
With you
I could laugh
With you
Hug the children
Fill in the spaces...
The empty places
Because it's been
So long since this
Gathering
And my last
With you

But my invitation
Must have been
Misplaced

For the past
Six years

Wednesday, February 10, 2016

Deathbed Confessions 2/10/16

I had a dream...
More like a nightmare
That I was laying on my
Deathbed...
And you all stood
Stoically beside me
Looking down at me
Eyes filled with
Judgement
With
Disgust
Hatred

And one by one...
You turned
And walked away
Again...

Until just one remained...
The one that turned her back first
The one who led the charge
Away from my "drama"
My "issues"
The one who made it
Okay
To throw away
A drowning loved one
When she needed her
The most...

And with a sneer
You spit on me
And pulled the plug
Yourself...

Just like you did
Six years ago...

And the crazy part...
Inside the
Insanity that is me...
My deathbed confession
Is this

I would give anything
To simply have you
Tell me
You still love me
If you even do...

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Until Now... 2/9/16

It began with a look...
A passing glance
Mutual attraction
Mutual infatuation
It began just as
Normal and as
Benign as could be...

But has grown
So big...
So big...

I thought I knew
What love was
What a true relationship
Was supposed to look like...

Until I was able
To look beyond the pale
And see for myself
What I crave in my own life...

Two people
Who have literally
Walked through fire
Crawled through hell
And battled the world
To be where they are today

Two people who know
The others heart
Without a single word spoken
Who can read each other
Finish each others sentences
Be together every moment in the day
And still crave more time
In each others arms....

I thought I knew what love was

Until now...

Sunday, January 24, 2016

Forgiveness Denied 1/24/16

Today
I stand two years
Clean and sober
And I ask myself

How long
Is long enough

How much more
Time has to pass
Before I'll be able
To be trusted enough
To hold you again?

I ask myself
Constantly
If I'm doing the
Right thing
By stepping back
Until I have more
Clean time
Under my belt
If waiting until
They're older and
Able to make they're
Own choices is
The right way to handle
This situation...

And I ache
From this hollowness
Inside me
Without you
In my life

It makes it so much
Harder to hold
On to hope...

But I won't let go....
Not never

I will be right here
Waiting for you
Loving you always
And holding onto
Hope

Thursday, December 31, 2015

Sister Kat 12/31/15

I had to write to you and tell you that you still have the ability to blow me away and make me BAWL every time I hear you sing.... I'd have to say that Hello would be my song for you.... Because I know you don't want to hear from me.... Don't want me anywhere near your life now...
But for some reason, I can't give up hope.... I think about you all the time... Remember all the stupid things we did as kids...
I've been on the outside looking in for some time now, and its killing me. 

So hello from the other side...
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you
Never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried...
To tell you I'm sorry,
For breaking your heart,
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't
Tear you apart
Anymore...

But it still eats me alive
To see what I've done
To you
To my children
To my Mother
To my family...
And I know
That sorry
Will never be
Enough

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Kaleidoscope 4/14/16

Sweet
Kaleidoscope eyes
The first and most
Amazing and wonderful
Moment of my life
Was the day you were
Born
The day you came into
My world
And changed
Me forever

I remember that
Day like it was
Yesterday

That day
I woke up at
3am
Because my
Water had
Broken
Your Mema
Had already
Known somehow
And was already
Ready to roll
Many hours passed...
Moments of such
Agony that only a
Woman can know
Were forgotten
In the space
Of a breath...
Your first...

It was in that moment....
When they laid you on my belly
While your Mema cut your
Umbilical cord
That I felt,
For the first time
The ferocity
Of love
Of a mother
For her daughter....

No matter what distance
Lies between us
Or what obstacles
Are placed in our path
I will never stop
Loving you
As I have  done
Every day of your life
And will continue to do
Every day of mine...

I dreamed of you
Last night
And it was so real
So vivid
That when I woke
It was in tears
Still reaching
For you
You were angry
You refused to give
Even an inch
And as I turned
To honor your wishes
And stay away,
You ran into
My arms
And looked straight at me
With those amazing
Kaleidoscope eyes
And told me that you
Loved me still

No matter what separates us now
Know that I will always be here

Praying that one day
This one dream
That I have left
Will come
To fruition

Monday, December 14, 2015

Spill 12/14/15

When I sit here
And think about
All the lives I've lived
All the people I tried to be
All the loved ones I've let down
And how badly I've failed....
It makes me want to take
The knife out of my
Back and use it
Up and down my
Forever empty arms
And watch the
Blood spill
Out of me
And make even more
Of a mess
Than I already
Have....

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Last Night 12/13/15

Dearest Jillian,

Last night,
I had a dream...
Of you
And me
Relived a memory
Of us
Riding down the road together
Playing our music
Smiling at each other
The day you came
To spend time with me
And have me make you a CD

And it made me remember
The morning I woke up to your
Sweet smile and your tiny hands
When you were a baby... I snagged The video camera and recorded you... To remember that morning
When I was bathed in
The love of a child for
Her mother

And I wake to find myself
In a world
Where you no longer
Have that love for me
Because of my selfish
Choices...
And I finally understand
The why...

And I hate me just as much
As you do...

Anymore 12/13/15

I can't seem to
Believe in much
Anymore
Can't seem to
Make  myself feel
Make my life real...
Can't seem to
Find me
In the mess
I've made
And when night
Falls around me
And the guilt and shame
That plagues me takes
Hold I find myself
Choking on the
Laughter I can
Not produce
And trying desperately
To remember
Better days
That I guard
So selfishly
Inside a heart
That I have
Killed
So thoroughly
That I don't believe it
Can be reborn.
But then again,
I don't believe in much
Anymore

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Unforgivable 12/2/15

Sometimes
I allow myself
The unforgivable...
When I let myself
Dream
Of a world
In which
I never
Lost
Any of
You ...

And it is so
Foreign
So unthinkable
That I make myself
Promise
Never to
Go to that
Place again....

Because from
Where I stand,
A world like that
Can never be
Allowed
For someone
Like me

Someone the world
Has shown
One too many times
Is unlovable
Unclean and
Unworthy
Of such
Grace...

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Belong 12/1/15

I sit here lost
Spending another night
Reacquainting myself 
With Insomnia, 
With Insanity
With this 
Ache
Burning through
My guts
And
Scalding 
Whats left 
Of my soul....
Driving the point home
Once again

Do 
Not
Belong
Anywhere

It's a cold world
Out here
When you 
Find yourself
Facing a future
Alone...
So cold
I fear
I'm going to 
Shatter 
Under the 
Unforgiving weight
Of my mistakes...
And It's getting colder
By the moment