Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Mommy 4/28/15

"She's my Mommy!" 
The little girl
Whispers excitedly
At first
And then repeats again
With more force
"Hi Mommy!"
I turn
And see her
Beloved face
And she runs
Into my arms
And she snuggles 
In deep
And she 
Looks at me
With those big 
Beautiful eyes 
And I know 
I know 
Because she has
Shown me 
I never thought
I'd see again....
My own sweet child
Showing me 
That I'm loved
That I'm wanted 
And I'm not giving up 
Not after tonight 

"That's my Mommy!"
"I miss you Mommy!"
"When can you come see me again?"
"Can you come tomorrow?"
"Daddy, can Mommy sit with us?"
And the look in your eyes
When you realized 
We couldn't stay

Please baby, 
I need you to know that 
I would have done
Anything you asked
Were it in my power 
To do so
But it's not up 
To just me

So tomorrow I go again
To try to be a part 
Of your world
Or perhaps
Make one of 
Our own
Where the hurt I saw
In your eyes tonight
Can't find us 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Know How 4/25/15

I sit here wondering
What could make me 
Stop loving 
My daughters
Or stop loving 
My mother 
Or stop loving 
My sister
Or stop loving 
All the rest of the
People I once held
So close to my heart
And the answer flares
In front of me

I guess I just
Don't know how
To do it 

I wonder what could make me
Want to push them out of my life
Why they couldn't be bothered to 
Learn about my disease
Why they couldn't be bothered to 
Attend one Narc-Anon meeting
Why I wasn't as important to them
As they were to me

I guess I just 
Don't know why
They did it

I sit and remember
All the things that have happened 
That have led me to this place
And I still don't understand how 
A person can just stop 
Loving someone
That gave them life
That birthed you and raised you 
That grew up beside you
And loved you every day 
From then until forever

But I've learned love
Shouldn't come
With a set of conditions
And I wish I'd seen mine 
Before my contract was up

If there is any way to love
That isn't unconditionally 

I guess I just 
Don't know how

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Someone Like You 4/7/15

I sit listening to music
And this song comes on
One I've heard a million times
And sung my guts out to
A million and one. 
And yet...
This time...
I listened
And I remembered
And it took on new meaning. 

You see...
I've been missing you 
As of late
Missing how strong you were
When our world fell away
When we lost our angel 
You stood strong
Until you couldn't hold it in
And you did what had to be done

And I don't blame you
Not one bit
I never deserved you 
To begin with
You and Kairi were a dream
I wasn't good or clean enough
To hold
And I still grieve 
For all I had
And all I lost 
When I lost you

You've moved on 
And from all I've been privy to
You're finally happy
And I have peace knowing that. 
Because you deserve it Jason. 
You deserve a good woman 
Who will make your world complete
You deserve to be a daddy 
No matter how it came to be
Now you have that chance and 
I swear to you on our daughters name 
That I wish you all 
Nothing but the best. 

I guess this is my goodbye 
To you... 
Even though you could care less
I need it said 
I need to give it voice 
Because I need to hear it louder 
Than the irrational hope 
That we could mend our 
Fucked up fences
And someday have a friendship. 
That's all I'd ever hope for 
Because in spite of it all
You were always
A friend 
Always someone I knew 
I could trust implicitly 
The last of the true 
Good men in the world 
And it's him I miss the most 

So in the words of Adele, 
"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it... I'd hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that to me... It isn't over....

"Never mind I'll find someone like you...
I wish nothing but the best for you... Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes hurts in stay."

"Nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they're memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this could taste...."

Goodbye Jason
I wish you all the happiness
I couldn't give you
I wish that all the joy of being a father
That I was able to give you so briefly through our Kairi  
Lives on in your new angel.
And I wish you all the love I 
Tried and failed to show you 
Lives in every breath 
In your new relationship.