Saturday, September 28, 2013

Birthday 9/28/13

So today's my birthday
But it also marks
Two weeks to the day
Of Kairi's passing
And here I sit
As alone as I'm allowed to be
Just wondering
Where this life
Is going to take me next
I thought I knew what
Broken felt like
But this year it feels like
Fate and karma
Are catching up to me
And it seems I have choices
To make
Do I allow myself
To continue to wallow
In the pain
Of her passing
Or do I take this hurt
And DO something with it
Because I can't continue the way
I've been going
Because this way only leads
To a bullet

Choices choices...

Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Letters to Kairi 9/25/13


I wake up
Every morning
And my first thought
Is that I should go make you
A bottle before you wake up
And then I sit up
And see all the pictures
In our room and your
Empty cradle
And I feel
Just like
I lose you
My arms ache so much
To feel the weight of you
The happy, smiling baby
Lying warm and alive
In my arms
Instead of inside the urn
In the living room
I feel so hollow
So empty right now
And I know I'm supposed to
Run out and keep occupied
And get a job or volunteer somewhere
To keep my mind busy
But all I want
Is to have you
Back where you belong
Warm and smiling
And in my arms

I miss you angel

Love forever,

Tuesday, September 24, 2013

The Other Shoe 9/24/13

I have felt you
Getting ready to
For a while now
And somehow
I thought
I could defy
What seems
Like the
Of my life

And I was wrong
So wrong
Because when you finally
Took your swan dive
Into the happiness
I once held
You shattered
Any illusions
I had left in me
Of having just a sliver
Of the happy life
So many take
For granted

She was an angel
She was my chance
She was the hope
That I thought
Had died inside me
Long ago

But you showed me
Didn't you

Friday, September 20, 2013

Cylinder 9/20/13

Stainless steel
Encasing the remains
Of my beloved daughter
Hangs from a chain
Around my neck
And rests comfortably
Between my breasts
Just as she used to
Snuggle close to my chest
And sleep...
Dreaming the dreams
Of the innocent
I feel like she's not
Inside that 
I feel like all my joy
All my happy
All my heart
Is encased in there
As well....
Now resting 
Against the 
Empty shell
That used to hold
My heart

Just a small
Stainless steel

Thursday, September 19, 2013

Letters to Kairi 9/19/13

So today we went to your funeral
Today was supposed to happen so that
We could start saying goodbye...
But damn it
I can't do it.
I can't say goodbye to the sweetest
Most angelic smile, the most adored
Child I've ever held....
And the most surreal part
Is that you were mine
That you came from me
That I held you in my arms
Every day for nine weeks and
Now my arms are empty
And there are no answers
That are good enough
To give solace
No words spoken today
That gave peace
That gave comfort
Because until you're back
In my arms,
Empty they'll

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Eventually 9/18/13

So lost
So numb inside
So ready to just 
From the tsunami 
That has become
My waking 
I had you for nine weeks
And within them
I found what heaven 
Tastes like
And I ache so inside
An empty, gnawing ache
That I just can't fill
Not with drugs or booze
Or with the promise that 
It will dull in time...
That this pain will get 
Fuzzy around the edges
I can't seem to find 
The why,
Because there is no why
You were a gift I just wasn't 
Meant to keep.
Just a teaser of what life
Could be like 
If we were allowed 
To be happy

You left this earth
From the warmth
And shelter of my arms
You died in my arms
I will never allow forgiveness
For this ...
I should have been able
To save you
I should have known
That you were slipping away
That I would lose 
The light inside me

Sunday, September 15, 2013

Kairi Alina McGowan - Bobilin's Obituary

Kairi Alina McGowan - Bobilin, born on July 8th, 2013, brought nine weeks and 5 days of pure love, laughter, and joy into the lives of every single person she ever met until she was unexpectedly called home into the Lord's loving arms on September 14th, 2013.  Kairi's absolute innocence and light will be greatly missed by those she is survived by:
Her proud and loving parents, Jason Bobilin and Breanne McGowan.  Her beloved sisters: Jillian McGowan and Irelynd Waufle.  Her cherished grandparents Robert and Kathy Bobilin, Carl and Denise Rockefeller, John and Trish McGowan, and David and Cindy Brelinsky.  Several Aunts who enjoyed spoiling her silly: Jennifer Vanalstyne, Kathryn McGowan, Michelle McGowan, Melissa McGowan, Anita Sue Nichols, Cindy Fitzgibbons, Connie Tucker, Stacey Smith, Jenny Carabin, and last but not least, Christina Schaffer. Her uncles who adored her: Ed Pierce, Jeff Bobilin, Butch Vanalstyne, Jason McGowan, and Matthew Tucker; as well as many cousins and family friends who doted on her.
Time and date of services to follow as soon as they are available...
Jason and I would like to thank everyone who has stopped in, called, and/or sent condolences on facebook. Your thoughts and prayers are greatly appreciated.

*****Service/Funeral Information*****
Funeral arrangements will be held on Thursday September 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm from the Vincent A. Enea Funeral Service, 20 Bridge St., St. Johnsville, NY, 518-568-7040, with Rev. David Johnson, pastor of St. Paul’s Lutheran Church, officiating. Friends and relatives may call at the funeral home on Thursday September 19, 2013  from 11:00 am until the time of the services. All memorial contributions may be made to S.A.V.A.C., P.O. Box 296, St. Johnsville, NY 13452 or to St. Jude’s Children Hospital, 510 St. Jude Place, Memphis, TN 38105. Envelopes will be available at the funeral home. The family would like to express their sincere thank you to S.A.VA.C., Fulton County Ambulance and the Little Falls Hospital for the care shown to them during this difficult time.

Letters To Kairi 9/14/13

My Sweet Kairi,

From the moment you came into our world... your father and I knew we'd been given a gift... an angel sent to us and we were blessed with the sweetest, most precious baby who lit our lives with your saucy little princess attitude that you seemed to have from your first breath... Kairi, not a day will pass that I won't be missing you and mourning the loss of your light with every beat of my heart.  I am trying so hard now to wait patiently until the day you're in my arms again but I know I'm not a patient person.  I feel like I've been ripped apart and I've never felt this hollow, like an aching void inside of me that will never be filled.
I love you Kairi... and I know that tonight, my first night without you in my arms, while I am here dying inside, you are spending your first night in the arms of the Lord.
So with a heart that's been shattered one too many times to ever be put back together, I send you all the love I have for you.

Love Forever and Always,
Your Momma

P.S.  Grandma Sylvia? Aunt Carol? Please take over for God so that we know that Kairi has a family member that cherishes her with her up there who will hold her and comfort her on her first night without her daddy and I, while we try desperately to console each other down here in hell

Thursday, September 12, 2013

Tightrope 9/12/13

I feel lately
Like I'm just holding
My breath
Waiting for the 
Other shoe to drop
On the world I have
And soon...
My chest will
With all the words
I can not say
And all the hurt
I have stored inside 
Because God forbid...
I have feelings
That don't 
Mesh with what
You think I 
Should be feeling
And God forbid
I act on them
Just like I'm walking
A tightrope 
Once again
A net

Thursday, September 5, 2013

Forum 9/5/13

I don't usually use this
As a forum for my anger...
Yeah right
Who am I kidding?
But tonight I have
A different approach

Because tonight
My world
Fell apart

And I sit here
To reassemble
This absolute

Laid waste to
The fairy tale
I had in my mind
Of a happily ever after
Became nothing more
Than a  pretty little
Bull shit story....

Sunday, September 1, 2013


Feeling lost in this sea
Of bewilderment
Of sorrow
Believing myself
To be more
Than what I really am
Trying to be someone
I am finding
That I'm just not
That I'm not good enough
Nor do I deserve
This light
Finding that I am
Not nearly as strong
As I tell myself
That I am now
Lying to myself
To make this
Gnawing ache inside
Die for just a moment
Just for a little while
To be lost,
Trying so hard
To keep myself
From losing
The peace I found
Peace that is fading
Around the edges