Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Dear Irelynd, 6/25/14

I write this to you tonight 
So that you can look back
Someday and know that 
Even though I wasn't able
To be with you today
My heart was
And always is 
Beside you
Inside of you.

You're getting so big baby!
You're six years old now
And I have missed so much
That we will never be able 
To get back...
You have every right
To hate me as much 
As everyone else
And I won't blame you
If you do. 
You are lucky enough
To have a wonderful and loving
A beautiful and caring 
Woman stands in my place
And even though I am
Eaten alive with jealousy 
I also know that she loves
You just as much as I do. 
And I am at peace with that. 

Know always 
That I love you
And completely. 
The moment 
You ask for me
I will be there
Where my heart 
Has lived
All this time

I pray for that day 
Every single day
Every long lonely night
And with every breath
I breathe
I am so proud of you!

Congratulations my baby
It's on to first grade next year!!!


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

To My Mother. 6/18/14

Tonight you said something
I never thought I'd hear from you 
Something I didn't ask for
But receive with humility 

I once wrote
About how badly
I needed 
Your acceptance
So freely and 
Unwaveringly given
To others
But denied me
But I see now... 
It wasn't out of favoritism
Or because your
Heart lacked the love
I felt from you when 
I was younger. 

It's harder to accept
When you finally realize
You weren't worthy of it 
And won't be worthy of it
Until you're able
To prove yourself
And now that I'm getting 
To that point
I find myself 
Almost fearing
That moment

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Fierce 6/15/14

Trying to put things
Into perspective 
Has given me a gift
That I didn't see coming

When you showed me 
Just how hard your
Heart has become
You inadvertently 
Freed me

I no longer have to
Feel this unease inside me 
Thinking that I should have 
Done this
Said that
Tried harder
To keep things 
Not for us,
But to honor her
By being friendly
With you
So that we could 
Have that venue of
Open communication

But as of today
I'm free of this worry inside
That I'm somehow doing her
Wrong by not attempting 
She took that worry 
Out of my heart and mind
By sending me another
Of her messages from heaven
One that was unmistakably from 
Her after all that has transpired
In the past few days
After a few truths 
Were drawn into the light

I thank her
For showing me that 
She doesn't blame me 
For this parting of the ways
That has come to pass. 
I thank god she knows 
That I did all I could to 
Keep things decent
So we could celebrate 
Her life together
With her there
On her birthday 
But her family will 
Be present if no one is there
But me. 
I have peace knowing 
She saw it all
And sees that 
I love her enough
To put myself 
Out on a limb
To be the hated one
By others
But a fierce and loving 
To her

Letter From Kairi to Her Daddy on His First Fathers Day. 6/15/14

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
Who loved her father
Very much. 
The little girl wanted 
Very much 
To spend this day
With her beloved father
To lay in his arms
And feel his love
Surrounding her...
But she was called home
By her Heavenly Father. 
On this day, 
Even though she lays
In His arms. 
She longs to feel
The love of her father
She had to leave down here. 
So this morning 
She sent her momma
A message for him...

My Dearest Daddy,

I miss you more
Than any words 
Could ever express, 
But I want you to know
I am loved
I am safe
And I am always with you. 
Always and forever
My love is in you

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Your Baby Girl
Kairi Alina McGowan

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Righteous Fury 6/24/14

I've heard it said
That hell hath no fury
Like a woman scorned. 
And I've been as scorned 
As a woman can get 
The moment you spoke 
Against the memory 
Of my child. 
Like you have any right
To do so. 

In two weeks
I will honor the 
The day of my
Sweet Kairi's birth. 
I'd offered to have a 
Memorial service
And include her entire family
But it seems my efforts
To have a day for her
With everyone in one place 
To honor her as one
Was just too much 
To expect out of those who
Claim to love her the most. 

There is so much 
That I would like 
To say here
So much that will
Sever the rest of the
Tie that has been 
Stretched too thin already 
By my righteous fury
In the face of such 
Blatant disregard 
For the memory 
Of so precious 
A life

One that I alone
Will continue to
And mourn
With every breath
I take
And every

Monday, June 9, 2014

Full Truths 6/9/14

When I say I miss you
What I really mean is
That I miss you more than
I'd miss the very air I breathe. 

When I say I love you 
It means I love you in spite
Of every wrong move and
Any feelings of anger, betrayal,
Or loss.

When I say I need you
What I'm really saying
Is that I ache inside
So badly sometimes 
I feel it physically and it
Doubles me over from 
The pain

I miss you
I love you 
I need you

And without you
I am lost out here

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Connie Lynn 6/8/14

She asks:
"Will I ever feel
Beautiful again.."
I answer:
One day my sweet
Sister of my heart
You will see
That just because
Your heart has been
As abused as it can be
Has in no way 
Tarnished the beauty 
That you have inside. 
That man could never
Keep his eyes trained
On the brilliance of the 
Light that shines from you. 
A light so bright it's like
Looking into the sun. 
Your heart
Even in your
Darkest moments
Even as broken as you feel
Because of one mans folly
Remains the most beautiful
Heart I've had the honor
Of having in my life...
Connie.... You have
All my love