Thursday, December 31, 2015

Sister Kat 12/31/15

I had to write to you and tell you that you still have the ability to blow me away and make me BAWL every time I hear you sing.... I'd have to say that Hello would be my song for you.... Because I know you don't want to hear from me.... Don't want me anywhere near your life now...
But for some reason, I can't give up hope.... I think about you all the time... Remember all the stupid things we did as kids...
I've been on the outside looking in for some time now, and its killing me. 

So hello from the other side...
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you
Never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried...
To tell you I'm sorry,
For breaking your heart,
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't
Tear you apart

But it still eats me alive
To see what I've done
To you
To my children
To my Mother
To my family...
And I know
That sorry
Will never be

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Kaleidoscope 4/14/16

Kaleidoscope eyes
The first and most
Amazing and wonderful
Moment of my life
Was the day you were
The day you came into
My world
And changed
Me forever

I remember that
Day like it was

That day
I woke up at
Because my
Water had
Your Mema
Had already
Known somehow
And was already
Ready to roll
Many hours passed...
Moments of such
Agony that only a
Woman can know
Were forgotten
In the space
Of a breath...
Your first...

It was in that moment....
When they laid you on my belly
While your Mema cut your
Umbilical cord
That I felt,
For the first time
The ferocity
Of love
Of a mother
For her daughter....

No matter what distance
Lies between us
Or what obstacles
Are placed in our path
I will never stop
Loving you
As I have  done
Every day of your life
And will continue to do
Every day of mine...

I dreamed of you
Last night
And it was so real
So vivid
That when I woke
It was in tears
Still reaching
For you
You were angry
You refused to give
Even an inch
And as I turned
To honor your wishes
And stay away,
You ran into
My arms
And looked straight at me
With those amazing
Kaleidoscope eyes
And told me that you
Loved me still

No matter what separates us now
Know that I will always be here

Praying that one day
This one dream
That I have left
Will come
To fruition

Monday, December 14, 2015

Spill 12/14/15

When I sit here
And think about
All the lives I've lived
All the people I tried to be
All the loved ones I've let down
And how badly I've failed....
It makes me want to take
The knife out of my
Back and use it
Up and down my
Forever empty arms
And watch the
Blood spill
Out of me
And make even more
Of a mess
Than I already

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Last Night 12/13/15

Dearest Jillian,

Last night,
I had a dream...
Of you
And me
Relived a memory
Of us
Riding down the road together
Playing our music
Smiling at each other
The day you came
To spend time with me
And have me make you a CD

And it made me remember
The morning I woke up to your
Sweet smile and your tiny hands
When you were a baby... I snagged The video camera and recorded you... To remember that morning
When I was bathed in
The love of a child for
Her mother

And I wake to find myself
In a world
Where you no longer
Have that love for me
Because of my selfish
And I finally understand
The why...

And I hate me just as much
As you do...

Anymore 12/13/15

I can't seem to
Believe in much
Can't seem to
Make  myself feel
Make my life real...
Can't seem to
Find me
In the mess
I've made
And when night
Falls around me
And the guilt and shame
That plagues me takes
Hold I find myself
Choking on the
Laughter I can
Not produce
And trying desperately
To remember
Better days
That I guard
So selfishly
Inside a heart
That I have
So thoroughly
That I don't believe it
Can be reborn.
But then again,
I don't believe in much

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Unforgivable 12/2/15

I allow myself
The unforgivable...
When I let myself
Of a world
In which
I never
Any of
You ...

And it is so
So unthinkable
That I make myself
Never to
Go to that
Place again....

Because from
Where I stand,
A world like that
Can never be
For someone
Like me

Someone the world
Has shown
One too many times
Is unlovable
Unclean and
Of such

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Belong 12/1/15

I sit here lost
Spending another night
Reacquainting myself 
With Insomnia, 
With Insanity
With this 
Burning through
My guts
Whats left 
Of my soul....
Driving the point home
Once again


It's a cold world
Out here
When you 
Find yourself
Facing a future
So cold
I fear
I'm going to 
Under the 
Unforgiving weight
Of my mistakes...
And It's getting colder
By the moment