Thursday, October 31, 2013

Phantom ~ Erik's Monologue ~ 10/31/13

Again... it isn't very often that I publish the works of others on here, but this is so close to the way I've been feeling lately and the lessons I have finally learned about myself that I just had to share.... so here goes...

"My mind has touched the farthest horizons of mortal imagination and reaches ever outward to embrace infinity. There is no knowledge beyond my comprehension, no art or skill upon this entire planet that lies beyond the mastery of my hand. And yet, like Faust, I look in vain, I learn in vain... For as long as I live, no man will ever look upon me and love.

Now at last I have found the courage to turn away from the foolish echos of human gladness. Optimism, blind hope, pathetic yearnings... I have let them all go, one by one, and I am as content as I shall ever be on this earth, in my peaceful solitude.

My kingdom lies in eternal darkness, many feet below the level of the Parisian streets outside, shrouded in the chill silence of the grave. Darkness and silence have been my companions since the day I chose to turn my back upon the world of men and create an empire that was solely mine.

From the moment of my birth my destiny was to be alone.

But it took me more than thirty years to accept that harsh and unrelenting fact... to understand where peace and resignation lay..."

~Erik's Monologue from Susan Kay's Phantom

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Little Drops Of Rain 10/29/13

Little drops of rain
Have stained the top
Of the desk at which
I sit as we talk
As you calmly tell me
Too much has passed
To ever make it right
To ever start again
And as I start dying inside
All over again
I realize
These aren't just
Little drops of rain
That surround the
Knife in front of me
They're the stains
From the million tears
I've cried
As I mourn the loss
Of my tiny angel
As I mourn the loss
Of the man I loved
As I mourn the loss
Of the family I'd really
Begun to love
As I mourn the loss
Of my hold on my sanity
Because as of tonight
I have nothing left
To mourn
No more tears to cry
Time to wash away
These stains
And replace them
With something
A little darker

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Coming Undone 10/29/133

I can feel the stitches
That I'd carefully placed
To keep me together
Coming undone
Everything I thought
Everything I believed in
Has been a lie
That I told myself
Until I made myself
Believe that I was
More than I am
And it's all been
Laid out for me
Just how things stand
In the scheme of
It all
I have become

Monday, October 28, 2013

Tired 10/28/13

I mean really
I'm so tired of
This thing inside me
That allows me to
Have hope
To wish for
Things to get better
I wish I knew a way
To rip it out of me
Because I'm tired
Tired of allowing
Myself to wish for
A better life
That I'm just
Not allowed to
Of allowing
To hope
Tired of finding
A way to start
And then seeing
It fall
Through my fingers
I'm just tired
Of it all

Letter to God 10/28/13


I seriously just don't understand what I did to deserve this hell in which I live right now... You've taken just about anything I had but you won't just graciously take the one last thing there is to take... My life... And I need you to do something here, because this is perhaps my penance... And if you're making me pay for my wrongs in this life, you need to let me know what it is I did to deserve this... because I just don't see it... I once believed myself to be a good person... I once believed myself to have risen above my past, but you've shown me just how wrong I was... Just how broken a person can become without killing what's left after you got through chewing me up and spitting me back out... and I am... I'm broken... I no longer believe in myself.. hell, I no longer believe in anything but the pain that you've shown me is my new reality... and it's unrelenting in it's agony... it's with me when I wake in the morning and it's with me when you allow me to sleep.  It never ends and I'm getting to where the weight of my promise that I made not to end things myself is becoming almost too much to hold.

Thursday, October 24, 2013

Letters to Kairi 10/24/13


My little love
I spent some time today
The way your tiny head
Would fit into my cupped
Hand and how downy
Soft your hair was
The way you had about you
That I could talk to you
And those little eyes
Would look straight into me
And you'd know just
What I was saying
How vocal you were
Just starting to be
How you'd
"Aaagee" and
And shout, your
Sweet sweet voice
Almost a melody
I play over and over
In my mind
How even when you'd cry
When you'd tighten right up
With anger when I wasn't
Quite doing things your way
You would let me know
You loved me
In the way you'd snuggle
Into my embrace
Just melting
Into my heart
The way your eyes,
Your daddy's
Blue, blue eyes
Would look clean down
Into my soul
And for the first time
In what feels like forever
I felt clean
And whole
I had a home
And a family
And a life
And without you
I am lost
In a wasteland that I can't
Be free of
Because it feels my
Grief is like a blanket
That's wrapped so tight
Around me that I'm
Choking on it
Unable to break free
Of this
This pain
That comes
With every waking moment
And when I try
And fail
To sleep

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Ready 10/23/13

I am lost
Inside this
That I call a life
And all I find myself
Able to do right now
Is wait...
Because I feel the
Inevitable "other shoe"
Isn't quite finished
Falling yet

You have taken my
You have taken
My hope
You have taken
My home
You have taken
My heart
You have taken
All the good
I had left
Inside of me

And now
You just need
To finish...
You need
To take me
I'm ready....
I'm waiting
And I'm ready...

Monday, October 21, 2013

Two Words... 10/21/13

I sat with you tonight
The memory of our daughter
Surrounding us with her love
And for five minutes... 
You held me
And it felt
Like home
In a way that makes 
Absolutely no sense...

I don' t need flowers
Or exclamations of love
Or even a call once a day.... 
I just need to know
You're not gone
From my life
And tonight
You gave me 
That gift...
You dressed 
My wound
With the words

"I care..."

Not I love you... 
Which is said so much 
By everyone today...

"I care"

Two words 
That have 
Shown me
That you haven't
Just thrown me away
Like garbage... 

"I care"

And there are three words
That I can give back to you
Without malice or hate
Or pain...

"As Do I" 

And with that
I turn a new page
In the story of us
One in which
I pray daily
That means we
Can live apart
But we can
Begin to heal


Thursday, October 17, 2013

Sweet Jayde 10/16/13

The smile
I remember
So clearly
Was set in
A frown today
And all I saw
Was a beautiful
Amazing young woman
That I would lay down
And die for
Crying my pain
Onto my shoulder
And my heart just
When my Jayde
Shows me her pain
But this pain is mine
And for you to share it
With me today
Shows me
That there truly
Truly are
On this earth
Because you
My sweet sweet
Are one

All my love to you sweet girl
You can cry on me anytime
I miss you already

Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Sixty Dollars 10/15/13

Tonight I've had things clarified
So that there is no question as to why
Why I had to leave the home
That I was too afraid for months 
To call home
And was repeatedly told
That I would never lose
This home
The home I spent every waking moment
Of my precious Angel's life in
The home I moved into believing it was
A forever sort of thing
There is no such thing
As a place called home
But now I find 
That nothing
Is forever
Starkly clarified
Why I have to make myself
Stop loving
The family 
I was told I was a part of
The people I cared about
And still do
Clarified very clearly
As to why 
The man I allowed myself 
To love more than I'd ever
Had in the past
No longer wants me
Not that he ever really did
Why he could look at me
The way he did
With such bitterness
In the eyes I loved enough
To beg God to give them 
To my Kairi
So I can at least thank Him 
For that much... 

So when you're asking yourself
Why I'm not here
You can tell yourself
It was all about money
Sixty dollars
That put me 
In my grave
Because now,
I have nothing left
To lose
Everything else has been
Taken from me
So the next obvious thing
Would be my life
But I'm seriously thinking
That I'm going to take at least one 
Damn thing myself
And it may just be that.... 
It may just be that...

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Coward 10/15/13

The moment you took your
First breath
They placed you
Into my arms
And in my arms
You took
Your last

If nothing else
Gives me comfort
Knowing that you were
Held and loved and
You knew you were safe
When you left this hell
You left it from the
Shelter of my arms
And the warmth
Of my arms
Were wrapped
Around you

It's nights like these
That undo me
Nights like these
When I wish I had
The courage
To open my veins
And bleed my
Hurts and my
And my blinding
Out onto the floor

But I'm too much of
A coward
But it seems that lately
My courage is building

Monday, October 14, 2013

The Normal Game 10/14/13

I know I'm not an angel
I know I'm not a saint
I know I'm lost in anger
I'm reaching blindly
For a way out 
Of this fate

I show you someone
I don't even know
Someone I built to shield me
From your inability to 
Let me go

I've found a way
To play the normal game
To be what you think you see
Until the monster in me
Claws it's way free

And I let it go
I let it bleed
I let it consume
All the good 
In me

I let it out to play
And it brought me 
Home a gift
Just more insanity
To add to the chains
That just won't 
Set me free

Gone 10/14/13

Where are you today?
I can't answer that
All I can say is where
You're not

You're not here
With me
Where you belong
Your sweet weight
Doesn't fill my arms
I don't have reason
I don't know reality
I don't know much

But I know I miss you
I know I miss the sweet
Sounds you'd make
When you'd lay on your
Blankie on the floor
And kick your feet
And fill my heart
With you

All I know now are tears
And the aching reality
That I'll never hold you
I'll never lay eyes
On you again
Reality that comes
When I fall asleep
Without you beside me
And when I wake in the
Sleeping but never resting
Because I can't come to grips
With the loss of you
Because believing you're gone
Means I'm gone too

Sunday, October 13, 2013

Material 10/13/13

Feeling so lost here
In hell where you left me
Cast off
Like something
Like something not
Worth saving
Like someone
Not worth your effort
Because I broke
Your cardinal rules
Because I dared to
Love too deeply
And too thoroughly
For someone like you
To comprehend
Someone so afraid of
So afraid of himself
Of giving more than
The material things
That you've missed out
On someone so precious
Someone worth your effort
Someone you barely knew
Because you couldn't allow
Not even a child
To penetrate
That shell
That took you years to build
And moments to defend
The night you threw me away
The night you justified
Removing me from your life
Because losing our daughter
Became too much for you
To handle
Because again...
It's all about the material
For you
So once again
I loved too much
And you not
And you've become
Yet another on
The list of people
Who weren't strong enough
To hold
Someone like me
I can't turn my heart on
And off like you can
But I'm getting there

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Captured 10/9/13

Clustering in together
Getting ready for the sound of
The camera
Capturing their image
Sitting together
Capturing the moment
Capturing them together
As they needed to be
On that day
In that moment

But if you look
Just beyond the shutter
You'll see behind the smiles
Behind the eyes
Of all three women
The hell they have
Been enduring
Each in their own way
Each with their own
And only a few
Short weeks

Just behind
The pain
You can see
In their eyes....

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

Letters To Kairi 10/8/13

I see you  in my minds eye
Smiling and kicking your sweet tiny feet
It's strange how someone so tiny
Can become your entire world
In just a matter of moments
After nine months of hoping and wondering
That moment suspended in time
When you entered the world with one last
Painful push
You became the center of our world.
My Kairi, my sweet sweet angel
You had the ability to touch the heart of
Everyone you met.
And baby you are so so loved
And leading the pack of your many admirers
Stood your father and I
But I would stand aside and watch the two of you
And I watched your daddy stand taller, stand prouder
Because of his love for you
He cherished you
With every breath he took
I watched you two and it filled my heart with hope
How he would come home early just to be with you
Like the night of your first bath, when he told me to
Freeze, stop and don't do a thing until he was washed up
From his work day because he wanted to help
Because he didn't want to miss a single moment...
A single one of your firsts
How he would hold you out in front of him
So that you could curl your tiny sweet feet
Into his chest hairs so that later on,
I would find them between your precious toes
I would watch you every night... perk right up when
Your daddy's truck pulled into the yard
And instead of spending his time in his garage,
He came straight in the house to you
I'd see you lift your head and turn when you heard
The door open
How your sweet little nose would crinkle up
When you felt daddy's facial hair tickle your cheek
You'd then show us your sassy side
If your daddy wasn't quite fast enough
You'd get upset and get fussy until
He'd gather you up with his work roughened hands
The hands of a man who had spent his life
 Working hard so that he could get to
This moment
When he could hold his baby girl
Gently in his arms
And silently pay homage
To the beauty
Of you
He would hold you until it was time for bed
And then he would hold you some more
Because it was impossible to let you go
So between us you slept
The glue that held us together
The love and the light in the both of our lives

But for me
There is no more light
Because for some unknown reason
You were called back into the arms of the Lord
We were given this amazingly beautiful gift of love
Without knowing in advance we would only be allowed
To cherish and love this gift for an impossibly short nine weeks
Only nine weeks
To be graced with your purity and light
Only nine weeks
To make plans, to dream, to have hope for a future
One in which we had the chance for a little family all our own
But now we see that the Lord
Has other plans for us
My heart is in pieces because
Your daddy and I weren't able to beat the odds
You really were the glue that held us together
Sweet Kairi.
You showed your momma how beautiful
Having a family could  be
And because of the beauty you brought to us
Because of the legacy of love you left behind
I find myself unable to make the destruction of our family
Into a hateful thing.
I refuse to tarnish your light and the love that was shared
Between the three of us,
So now with heavy hearts,,
Your daddy and I part ways
Unable to mend the hurts, tear down the walls between us
And work on fixing what was left of the world
That Kairi left behind..
Baby, I'm so sorry
I could only work on me
I couldn't force your daddy's grief and hurts aside
And make him want to fix this
But I can promise you this...
I will always cherish each moment I spent
Loving you with your father....
But after having you
Perish in my arms
I've decided not  to waste
Even one more day
Trying desperately to give my love
And not receiving it in return

Thank You 10/7/13

Once again, I would like to say thank you

To the person who gave me the information I should have had a year ago around this time. Thank you for no longer keeping your silence as to the issue you reluctantly informed me of today.  I'll do as you asked and keep your name out of it, but again... You told me just exactly what I'd always feared and what I now know to be true.  Every man should have a friend like you... one who won't lie to spare the feelings of others.

Your help is greatly appreciated...


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

The Piano 10/1/13

The piano
Sits dusty
Long forgotten
In the despair
That has settled
Like a blanket
Over the house
The only melody
The strings have
Vibrated with recently
Are the discordant
Of the woman
Who once played her
With such joy
With such promise
Playing lullabies
For the little angel
Who lived
Inside her momma
For nine months
And spent another
Nine weeks and five days
Charming and enchanting
Everyone around her
Even the piano
Who's strings would
Vibrate with joy
With every cry
Every sweet sound the
Child made
Until one morning
The music stopped
And then the piano vibrated
With a woman's screams
And then the screaming
Became the screaming
Of the sirens
Of the ambulance
That came to carry
The sweet child away
And then there was
Silence that followed
Them home
Without her
Silence that has
Every string
Every key
The only sounds
That resound now
Are the sounds of
Of agony
So silent she now sits
Gathering dust
Her keys and her strings
Unable to be played
Because it seems
That the music
Inside of the woman
Has died with the child