Friday, January 25, 2013

Dear God 1/25/13

So I need you to talk to me
Stop being so fucking silent
Stop watching me make
All the wrong decisions
And just shaking your head
In disgust...
I get the fucking message
You didn't want me
The many times I tried
To die
So tell me
Why the fuck am I here
Why must I continue to feel
Such rage at you
Such disillusionment
Such disbelief in a God
Who would allow one of his
To stray as far
As you allowed me
To go
Can you please
Just send me a damn message
That I can't deny
Tell me why
You allowed me
To fall this far
I'm sure you thought
You were teaching me
A well deserved lesson
And I have to give it up
To you...
You taught me well
Never to believe
In anything
Never to trust
That God will
Because I know now
I get it

Letter to My Rapist 30 1/25/13

I want nothing more
Than to forget
That you exist... 
Nothing more than 
To eradicate this
Feeling inside of me
This darkness
You used 
To destroy 
A child
In one moment
You created
You never expected...
You created this 
That lives and breathes
Inside me
Buried deep beneath 
My soul
Staining everything black
So that I can't see 
Past the red haze 
Of my rage
Sometimes I go back there
To that place 
To where you left my childhood
To where you left my innocence
And I still see
The blood 
I still see
I still feel
I still remember
I always will
Because you can't 
What you did
And what it made me

RAGE 1/25/13

The unimaginable gall of some people
To make assumptions
When they know absolutely
Nothing of the truth

Trying to hurt someone
That you can't hurt
With the bull shit
You're slinging

Here's the flaw
In your grand design...
You are wrong
In every way
A person could
Be wrong

So grow the fuck up
Because you're doing
Nothing more
Than making me ache
To prove it

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Swelling 1/21/13

Is it supposed to
Hurt this much
To love someone
Like I love you
Is it supposed to
Ache inside
When you find
You're not as
In return

My body is changing
Growing every day
Swelling with the
Proof of my love
With the new life
We've made
I couldn't love you
More if I tried

But I feel
Like you're pulling away
And for the life of me
I can't figure out
What I've done
To make this

I've changed
So much
Not so much for you
As because of you
I've been working
So hard on me
And just lately
I feel
Like it's been
In vain

I'm finding
That no matter
How good
I try to be
It isn't good enough
For you
It isn't clean enough
For you
It isn't enough
It never will be

Sunday, January 20, 2013

Embedded 1/20/13

I let you in
And I wonder why
I allowed
In me
Because I let
You in
Too deeply
To remove you

Now I find
It's no longer
To feel you
Inside me
I need
Your affection
Than I've ever

I'm not the type
To allow a man
Over me
But you
Even the parts
Of me
That I thought
I'd hidden...
But I've found
Even that

And you

Friday, January 18, 2013

Unstable... 1/18/13

Standing on the
Feet, body,
Arms stretched out
On both sides
Trying desperately
To find my balance
Because this time
I'm working
Without a net

I have nothing,
No one
To catch me
If God forbid,
I fall
Once again

Trying to find stability
In the unstable world
That I made for me
That I created
Out of crazy glue
And what pieces of me
I picked up
Along the way

But even I know
Even I can see
That this tightrope
Is frayed at both ends
And right smack
In the middle
Hangs the noose
That's just waiting
Just aching
For me to fall

Because only
The noose
Is waiting
This time

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Kari Strikes Again 1/16/13

"There once was a very litlltle girl
She seemed to me a little doll of my own
So beautiful and so full of life
She'd dance, on the floor, dance across the room and make everyone smile
One day a person made her very sad and my little doll was never the same
She did her best to make herself happy
She tried to make a life, make a family but there was always a hole in her heart she couldn't fill.
When you can't fill the hole with the good stuff, sometimes you fill it with bad things. 

You are so hurt that nothing fills the hurt but bad things. 
A girl, a beautiful girl that danced on her toes is no longer accessible, she's still there inside but lost from damage.

She can come out again, never the same, different and damaged.
She does everything she can to make things right, but "right" sometimes is unattainable when you're lost.
Coming back to "normal" is never a feeling of normal. 

Coming back to your people is never going to be easy or maybe even possible for some.
For my little dolly that danced on her toes...

I will always be there, always love you and be in your corner as long as you're honest and truthful.
I love you and always will....forever!"

*** And she does it again...
       My amazing cousin
       Kari Sue Fitzgibbons-Hampson
       Has captured my heart
       And run with it!!!!
       I loved you with such intensity
       As a child
       And every day, 
       From that one
       To this!!!

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Letter To My Rapist 29 1/15/13

So here we are again...
I had a conversation
About you today...
And now here you are
Forefront in my mind

When I talk about you
All I can remember
Is the degradation
The pain
Of you
Pushing yourself
Inside of me
Where you never
Never belonged

I have done
"Take back the night" walks
Testimonials about
What you did to me
And it does
It helps
When I let it out
So, here I go again
Talking about it
So that I can heal

I remember
Very clearly
When I woke up
And you were
On top of me
While I lay
Face down
In the dirt
While your buddy
Held me down by the wrists
And the weight of you
Just before
You entered me
You killed me
You filled me with hatred
And you set me loose
On a world
I was never able
To see without
Your darkness
Invading me
From the inside out
Making me feel like
Nothing more than
A dirty
Used up

And now that things
Have finally gotten
To a point where
I can live without
Your ever present
I am proudly moving
Even though
You're still there
You're no longer
Part of the demon
Inside of me...
No longer
Holding me down
Holding me back
From having
A real life

Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Of You, Of Us... 1/15/13

Just under my skin
This beast
This absolute belief
That I am no good
That I am not worthy
Of you
Of us

Gnawing on my
To be better
Than this
This thing I
To eat away
At everything
I loved

So here I am
Starting anew
And I have
Where all I can think
Is that
I'm wrong
I'm not worthy
Of this
Of you
Of us

Because there's so much
That you still don't know
That lives inside of me
And it hurts,
It aches
Inside of me
On nights like tonight
Nights like tonight

Beyond 1/15/13

You've looked beyond
The scars I wear
The guard I thought
Would be there to save me
From someone like you

Someone who could
Look beyond
All that I was
To see all that I am
All that I could be

And now...
When I'm starting to
Learn how life
Is supposed to be
I'm learning
To look beyond

To look over
The pain
Of my past
And into
What could be
The fence...

A look inside
The windows
That I always felt
I was looking into
From the outside

Beyond the
Of my yesterdays

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Except My Own... 1/12/13

There are so many things
That I wish I could have been
So many things
That sit in me now
Like pieces of a photograph
That lay scattered on the floor

I wanted to be a heroine
The kind of person that
Little girls wanted to grow up
To be just like
But instead I gave in
To heroin

I wanted to light the world
On fire
With the music inside me
But all I did
Was burn the me
Out of me

So much I wished for
That got lost in the ashes
Of the life
I destroyed
And I took all that I loved
Right along with me
On my path of self destruction

And here I sit tonight
Continuing with my "Emo rant"
But things have changed
So much now
Inside me
That even I
Can't believe it
When I see it

I am becoming
So much more
Than I ever was
Than I ever dreamed
I was capable of
And I'm finally
Beginning to like
This new me

I no longer have dreams
Of being famous
Of being rich
Of being anyone's heroine

Except my own
For once...

My Beautiful Cousin/Soul Mate KSFH 1/12/13

"The baby walking on her happy tiptoes
The teen crying her fathers woes
The cousin wishing
I could have saved her foes
Many bad's
I wish I could have saved
Many bad's
I would have fought
All to love you,
All to save you
There's nothing I wouldn't have done
To save you from this beast.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done
To prove I love you Bre!!!!!!!!!"

This was written to me tonight from my cousin and soul mate
Kari Sue Fitzgibbons-Hampson

Who's light shines inside me
Even in my darkest moments
Who's faith in this new me that I have become
Has helped begin a healing inside of me
I never dreamed possible
I have always looked up to you
I have always loved you and your
Impossible ability to see the good in me
That even I couldn't find...
But never before
Have I dreamed
That there was something 
Worth redeeming
Inside of me
Until you....
Until you...

If God is kind,
He/She will allow me to grow
Into even just a tenth
Of the 
And absolute
Amazing woman
That you embody

I love you more now
That we are big kids
Than I ever imagined
And my hope
Is that we will remain
As soul sisters
Until we get to
Join our Grandma Sylvia
Who's light and beauty
I have always seen
Burning bright
Inside of you

And forever...
I love you
And always will

Savior 1/12/13

Have I hoped for
Or imagined
I'd ever have
Someone like you
In my life

Someone I could
Be completely open with
Completely honest with
Without you turning away
In disgust at who and what
I have been

Someone I can tell
Just how far I've fallen
Without watching you
Walk away

Someone I love
More than what you've done
More than for the light
You're putting back
Into my life

Someone who's saved me
In so many ways

And I believe,
I hope
I've gotten
To the point where
You believe
As well

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Words 1/10/13

So now
The words have been said
And it's over
The hoping
That I could change
That you could forgive
The mistakes I made

Hope is something
I hadn't allowed myself
To feel
And now I know
Hope is a lie
Hope is something
I should never have
Opened the door for

You were so much
A part of my life
You were an annoying
Little sister...
Following me around
When we were kids
And when we grew
The tables turned
And you showed me
The amazing woman
You tried so hard
To hide

The music inside of you
Would light my soul
On fire
And still does
It still does

I will always love you
No matter the distance
Between your heart and mine
I will always love you
Even if you'd rather I stopped
I can't turn off the tide
And I'm sorry if you
Dislike my answer
You mean too much
To who I was
And who I've become

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

Run... 1/9/13

I don't know why
I feel like I need to run 
Far away into the night

I'm trying so damn hard
To make myself 
Into something
Someone I never believed
I could be
And tonight
I feel so far
That I just feel
The need to 

Sometimes I wonder
How you could possibly
Love someone 
Like me
And I wouldn't blame you
If you changed your mind
If you decided I'm too much
Of everything you're not
And just that thought alone
Makes me want to 

Straight back
To the home
I don't feel like I belong to
To the life
I don't deserve
To the love
That is too good
For someone
So broken
So ready
To run...

To My Blockers... 1/9/13

So here's the thing
Someone was able 
To open my bitch tap
And now it's time for me
To spill

Who the living fuck
Do you think you are?
Oh, that's right, 
You were one of the many
Who were too good 
To give a shit
When I needed you the most
You were one that called 
Yourself a real friend
And then found 
You were ankle deep
In your own 
Bullshit story
About how much 
You cared.
About what a friend
You were turning out
To be

And now... 
You think that you have
Absolutely ANY right
To sit in judgement on me???
I kind of know how you feel
When you once looked down 
On me and found me wanting
Because the tables have turned
And your friendship 
Has been seen 
For what it really is
You never tried,
You never cared outside yourself
Not once when I was in hell
Would you have stepped up 
And helped
So now that you think
Your insults and your 
Are making and impact, 
I just have to let you know
You're wasting your breath
You're a few years too late
To make me feel a damn thing
I'm so much more 
Than I've ever been 
And I know I'm better 
Than you ever gave me credit for

I have people now 
That know the meaning of 
What it means to be a friend
I don't need people like you.
So self absorbed that your 
Sound just like what they are
An attempt to make yourself 
Feel better
For letting go
Of someone
Who'd never been anything
But a friend to you

Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Lost 1/8/13

Tired of waiting 
To regain my sanity
To find solace in the 
Recall of my 

Tired of waiting
For the next shoe to fall
For the ax to drop
One more time
On what happiness
I have found

So tired
Of feeling

Choking 1/8/13

I'm so tired
Of putting my heart 
Where it belongs
And having it 
Thrown in pieces
Back into my face
And shoved 
Down my throat
To choke on
So I'm just done
Making the first move
Being the one 
Who's always doing
This wrong
Perhaps it's time
For you
To show me
You want me here
In this life we're 
Attempting to make
I don't know which
Way I'm supposed to 
Turn from here...

Impersonation 1/8/13

She's nothing but a shell
Nothing but a bad
Impersonation of who
She used to be
Allowed so many others
To take away small pieces
Of the runaway train she once was
That she's just empty
Just a shell now
That they all find
Because God forbid
You become something
More than normal
Someone worth something
She lived years as a shadow
Hiding from the light
So they wouldn't see the
Wrong that would build
Inside her chest
Until it hurt to hold it there
Where her heart used
To reside
She'd keep her damn trap shut
Until the dam broke
Until there was nothing
Left worth saving
Of herself
Until she took those last
Measured steps
From conformity
To brilliance
So that when she finally
Looked back
On those who found her wanting
She was able to find peace
Within herself for the first time
In forever
So that she's finally found the woman
She was meant to be
So she was able to kill
The impersonator
The impostor
That lived
Just beneath
The skin

Monday, January 7, 2013

Just One Moment... 1/7/13

If I had a moment
Just one
To hold you in my arms
To hold you to my heart
To feel your little arms
Around my neck
And hear the words
I long to hear
It would destroy my will
Destroy my decision
To stay away
For the good of you
That's all it would take
To hear your sweet voice
Say "Mommy"
In surprise
Because no matter the time
No matter the distance
I will feel you
From across the way
As will you
And like two people
Ravaged from the war
We will find each other
And we will love
Because his bitterness
His malice toward me
Should never have
Stopped us from seeing
Each other
After my war
Had been waged
And baby,
It has been hell
Without you

Footnote 1/6/13

So many wasted words
So much wasted time
I loved you
Once upon 
A time

But our darkness prevailed
Ate away at all the light
Til there was nothing left but ugly
Nothing felt but agony

We weren't able
We weren't wise
We couldn't find
Or realize

And now there's just sorrow
Where the memory of you lies
And I'm just a foot note
That will never be revised

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Home No Longer 1/6/13

I sat there for a moment
On the side of the road
About 10 minutes ago
Just staring
Just thinking...

I remember every  moment
I spent inside those walls
Every moment of sadness
Every moment of joy
Every moment anger
Every moment of disillusionment
And finally
Every good bye

And I remember when
I needed you
I needed to be able
To come home
To heal
To forget the hell
I'd been living
And I was told
I no longer had
A place called home

Home was something
It would be years
Before I felt
Comfort enough
Solace enough
To call somewhere
A home
The word it's self
Became foreign to me

So yes,
Tonight I sat on the side
Of the road
The home of my childhood
My adolescence
And I put the car in drive
And watched it disappear
In the rear view mirror

Because there's no home there
Not anymore
Not for me

Too Much To Lose 1/6/13

I look at you
And I see myself
Not that long ago
And I grieve
For what you're

But damn it
I didn't put you here
You did.
All the time we spent
To all the time apart
Should show me
What I need to see

And I need to see
That this attempt to
Save yet another soul
From the hell
Of active addiction
Is not what I should be doing
You need to do it

I'll be there with encouraging words
I'll be there if you need to talk
But I can't be there to help you
Because you know where that would
Lead me
And I have too much
To live for now...
Too much to lose,
And I won't lose him
For you

Saturday, January 5, 2013

Perspective 1/5/13

So I guess I've had a few things
Put into perspective for me
Since I mistakenly asked my family
(Some not included)
To consider life being too short
To continue the hate
To continue blaming my fuck up
For their unhappiness
With their own lives
And to extend a hand
Without twisting the wrist

I believed we were old enough
And wise enough to know
That life is too short
Shorter even than they comprehend
For some
But some things
You just can't fix
You can't take back
And you can't will them to love you
In spite of their hurt
From what I've done

All I can say is that I'm sorry
Not for me
For you
Because I've learned that I will no longer
Live my life to please others
Or spend another moment
Letting someone else's anger over the past
Put me back in a place
That is so far removed
From where I am now
To even consider
Allowing your issues
To taint the woman I've become

Yes, before this started you and I
Had a relationship that I'd have never
Traded for anything in the world
But even then, I couldn't tell you
What was going on inside of me
Because of the fear that you'd do just
What you did
Walk away when things weren't
Up to your liking
I spent years after rehab hiding
Trying to just forget and move on
And I was wrong, I did it wrong
Because I surrounded myself
With people with no understanding
Of the disease I have and expected them
To understand

But not one of you took the time
To try and find out
You just saw me bury it and pretend the
Beast didn't exist until it ripped it's way
Out of me again.
But you fooled me into believing that you'd
Be there for me when you never had any
Intention of doing so.
You say I'm the reason
And I quote...
"I can't trust the way I used to. 
I can't live the way I used to because you changed me. 
You showed me just how ugly the world can be, 
And you showed me just how much you didn't care..."

And you're wrong
But you're welcome to blame me
For the hurts you have suffered because of me
But you act like you've seen how ugly the world
Can be, because of me, and believe me
You have no clue... none at all
Just how ugly this world can be
I don't expect or hope you'll understand
Because you've never lived what hell I have
But you're welcome to behave as though you
Have suffered just as much if not more than me
You're welcome to speak of me with hatred and malice
But I can't/won't return the favor,
And I'm sorry you feel the way you do.

But unfortunately I can't take the credit
For all your problems
But you're welcome to continue using me as
Your scapegoat until you're ready to face
Your own damn demons.
But just remember one thing...
We may not have what we once did, but you know
That there are those who's love we both desire
And I refuse to remain out of their lives
For you.
Because of you.
You can continue to put me in the same category as
Her father figure, but remember this as well
I'm not him...
I can prove my claims...
Perhaps I don't jump to your beat,
But I feel this should be by her want
Not yours, or mine.

So I'm done
Pretending that maybe, someday I'll be able to prove myself
To you...
And I've finally realized the only one I need to prove anything to
Is myself and my child.
So say whatever you want
But please children, remember that what you post freely out on
Facebook will be read by eyes that don't need to see your

Friday, January 4, 2013

Response to Facebook Letter from KLM 1/4/13

So, just because you're pregnant doesn't change the fact that you basically ass raped everyone you ever claimed to love over and over. I'd say I was sorry that your poor excuse of an apology didn't strike a chord in me, but it just fucking doesn't. Not only did you use me for most of my life, but you used people I love. I'm only going to speak for myself when I say you can just quit trying to talk to me, tag me on facebook where I've clearly blocked you, and/or try and get information on me through other people. What part of: I don't want anything to do with you and your lying ass don't you understand?? Do you really think I'm that stupid? Apparently so. You keep acting like I'm just going to cave in like I used to and everything is going to go the way YOU think it should. Well guess what bitch? You can't fix everything with a shrug and an I'm sorry. It doesn't work that way. You can't just come and go as you please goddammit. You are so unbelievably selfish I can't even comprehend you. I don't think I ever knew who you were. You hurt me so badly that it bleeds over into my everyday. I can't trust the way I used to. I can't live the way I used to because you changed me. You showed me just how ugly the world can be, and you showed me just how much you didn't care. So, how's THIS for a fucking tag?

This was what was written in response to a post on Facebook that I put up yesterday. The speaker is my sister, and here is my response...

I completely and totally understand why you feel the way you feel. You have every right. I won't argue or beg you for another chance because obviously you won't allow that... So I will respect it. All I want to say is this...

Jillian is only 13 years old... not 18, and if you have something you'd like to say to me, please, feel free to IM me or respond here... She is very intelligent and in MY opinion, doesn't need to read that shit like that about her mother from the aunt she loves more than life it's self plastered all over Facebook. I've done a lot of wrong and I don't deny it, but she doesn't need to be put through what you've just put her through by saying these things to the world... Fuck anyone else's opinion out there, but hers matters. She and I have been talking and taking things slow so that she doesn't get overwhelmed by having me around... I'm taking her lead here and hopefully, your venom won't poison her.

That's all I have to say for now... oh, and next time you have something to say, remember to tag me so that I can get it without having to resort to other measures. I'm not afraid to face anything you have to say to me...

Jay 1/4/13

Your words are like daggers
To my already shredded heart
Your hands are like deceitful whispers
Over my broken body

And you are deceiving me
Because you're almost making me believe
That I'm something more than what
I've always believed I am

Please, please Jay
Keep lying to me
Because your faith
In this faithless bitch
Is changing me
In ways
Never previously

I want to be
The woman you see
I want to be
More than I was
For you
Because the lies
That drip sweetly
From your lips
Have lit a fire
Inside my chest
Making me almost hope
For the first time
That they aren't lies
At all

Trying to Look Ahead 1/3/13

Taking this one moment at a time
One breath
One heartbeat
One flash of panic
One sigh of relief

Just one moment
Instead of one whole day
At this point
Because my mind needs
A vacation
From the "why me's"
And the "could have been's"

Just one direction in mind
Forward march
Because my insurance
Conveniently doesn't
Cover complete
By way of
Self inflicted

Just one more moment to go
And then another
But these moments are helping
To shape me
Into someone who looks for
Instead of someone
Who would rather stare
Out the rear window
And dwell on the
Mistakes already purchased
By her broken soul
While she was too
To care

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Standing At The Crossroad 1/2/13

Damn you...
You've won this war tonight
I can't close my eyes and
Blissfully fall into the
Oblivion of sleep

Can't seem to find my way
Out of the craziness in my mind
Worried and anxious
Having moments of panic

Waiting for the ax to fall

Today I'll find out
Where my road is going
To take me
And I'm terrified
To even go...
To take those
Measured steps

To face my newest demon
My punishment

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Stray 1/1/13

How do you remain
Untouched by the things
I said to you today?

How do you let things
Just ride... Just brush them
Off your shoulders
Like the pieces of my heart
That I handed you
I entrusted you with a
Fragile heart
That I'm watching
Through your fingers

How do you stop yourself
From loving
Too damn much
When you find that
It's not returned in
That it's not
What you thought
I guess I love too much
And you choose to love
Not enough
To close yourself off
From feeling the way
I do because of your
Your scars that you
Still hide from me

I have found a man
That I know I could love
Respect and
Cherish for the rest
Of what life I have
And when I worked up
The courage to tell you
I find that I'm loving
In vain
I find that I fell too hard
And too fast and you
Didn't even stumble

Was I just convenient?
Was I just something
To break the monotony
Or did you ever think
I was someone you
Could love

Because tonight
I just feel cold
I feel empty
I feel like I'm just
Someone you felt sorry
For and took in
Like a stray dog
That the love I make
With you is one sided
Because I don't know
What's really in your heart
Because you won't tell me
You can't say the words
I long to hear...

Something More.... 1/1/13

So today begins a new chapter
One in which I am going to try
To be something better
Someone worth something
Instead of letting myself drown
In the misery of my past.

I have done wrong
So wrong
But I will no longer allow
My mistakes
To define
The woman I am today

The blows have landed
Just as they were meant
But I refuse to feel the pain
I refuse to be anything more
Or less than the woman
I want to be

And I want to feel whole
I want to abandon myself to
The promise of tomorrow
Instead of continuing this climb
Out of hell

Because of you
Because I want to be whole
For you
Because you've given me
Something I've never known
You make me feel
When I trained myself to be numb

I don't know how you did it...
But you've opened the well
You've helped me claw my way
Out of the abyss...

And as long as you're standing
At the top...
I'll keep climbing
Toward you