Sunday, March 31, 2013

Blame 3/31/13

How do you atone
For the mistakes
That put those you love
In the crossfire

There is no one to blame
But me
No one left
To carry the pieces
When I'm gone

Looking into the eyes
Of your child
And seeing
The deep well of sadness
You dug into her heart
When you fucked everything
So badly that it will
Never be the same
Never just be okay
Never stop hurting

And I never can...
Stop this burning rage
At the injustice of
What I did to us
And sure,
I could blame this one
Or that one
But this one falls
Squarely on my own
Broken shoulders

And I'll never allow
Forgiveness for this one
I'll never allow the blame to lay
In this bed I've made
With anyone but me....
Where it belongs.
Beside me

Memories... 3/31/13

It's times like these
When I miss you the most
When I'm alone
With nothing but
The memory of you...
The memory of having you
In my arms makes me
Scream in agony
For the loss of you
And the exquisite ache
Of having you back in my arms
Where you belong
Seems a million miles
Down this road I've been on
For too long now
Without you
To even believe
That this dream of mine
Can make it to fruition...
This dream of seeing
A face so precious to me
That I can feel myself
Coming undone
Before it's ever a reality
This ache never goes away
Never seems to cease fire
Never stops bleeding
I am missing you so in this
When I sit here
With your memory...

Saturday, March 30, 2013

Need 3/30/13

Your hands...
Your work calloused fingers
Running along my jaw
Making fists in my hair
Pulling me flush
Against you
So that I can feel your
Passion rise
And then your mouth
Your lips
Begin the frenzy
That becomes so
Urgent inside me
I could spend hours
Just feeling those lips
Against mine...
Your hands on my back,
Pulling me closer
If it were possible...
And I'm ablaze
When I feel your skin
Warm against my own
Like Adam and Eve
We sin perfectly
Again and again
And I need that sin
Like I need air
Like I need you

Letter to My Rapist 31... 3/30/13

I don't understand
How something small
Just a reference or
Just a blindingly fast memory
Of that night
Can set me back...
It stained me black
And from your invasion
Was born someone
I never thought I'd be
Someone who learned early
That this life was meant 
For nothing more
Than pain,
Nothing more than this 
Broken sense of 
Whatever that means...

I wonder now
If what you did to me 
Was what broke me
About the time you chewed 
My cherry to shit
And left me bleeding
My childhood out
In a puddle of your
Sweat and semen

I wonder now
If you look back and remember
What you did.. 
To a child
When you fucked her raw
And let her stumble home
Instead of killing her body
Along with the soul you'd 
Already stained

Because I'm ready
To remind you...
Because every time I run into you
Every time I see your hated face
I want to gut you
I want to watch you bleed out
And play in a puddle of your pain
Like you did to me

Irrelevant 3/30/13

I don't seem to be able
To understand myself lately
To get past certain emotions
Certain situations
I've found myself in...
I don't seem to be able
To put you in a category
To file you away
As something irrelevant
Because you've been forefront
In my mind and on my heart
For so long that I don't know
Where I'd be now if I couldn't
Hear your voice..
Or see those eyes
Gazing into my own
And I feel that I'm losing
Control on myself
My self preservation button
Seems to be broken
Along with my inability
To move ahead
To get past this adoration
Of all you stand for
Of all you fight for
Of all you have become
To me...
I can't make you irrelevant
Anymore than I can make
My heart forget
What is keeping me
Held fast
Where I am

Eye Of My Beholder.... 3/30/13

I feel like I'm inside the dead
Clouded over eyes
Of my beholder...
And I'm fading fast
I'm tired of finding myself
And then learning that I have
Parts of me that I have to keep
Screaming in the silence
Of the dial tone
Fighting to become someone
Just a little less filthy
Than I know myself to be
Vocal chords becoming so
Shredded from screaming
But nobody hears
Nobody ever hears
Nobody ever sees
Past the dead and milky eyes
Of my beholder
In the mirror

Friday, March 29, 2013

Reverence... 3/29/13

Seeing me
Through your eyes
From your memories of me
Through my darkest days
Now that I am no longer
As dead inside
As I once was
Is a bittersweet
Of my pain
Of my struggle
To find the life
I could have had
Inside of the one I now
Bittersweet because
You saw me then
And knew inside
You could not have saved me
Any more than I could have
At the time
That  you had to sit by
And wait for me
To hit the rocks
To dig my hole in hell
To claw my own way out of

Knowing now
That you were still there
That you never gave up hope
That I'd one day win the battle
That turned the tide in this war I fight
And that I'd be where I am now inside
Brings me such reverence
For the friend I have in you...
Thank you
For showing me
What a friend
You've always been
And continued to be
Through it all...

Thursday, March 28, 2013


I've served my heart to you
On a silver fucking platter
On a bed of broken glass
So eat your fill
But inside I pray
You'll be choking
On the shrapnel
When the dust clears
From the bitter truths
I have learned...

Betrayal.... 3/28/13

How am I supposed to deal with this new pain
This new betrayal....
By someone I valued as much as my own soul
Someone who took my pain,
My past
And used it as a tool
A weapon used to cut me
Straight through the fragile hope
I'd been hiding inside of me
That there was someone out there who could
Love me without reservation
Someone who could see past what brought me here
And accept the woman I have become
Instead of using my agony,
My despair,
As a god damned topic of conversation
To make his move on another...
When I was laid out and unable to fight...

Undercover Queen 3/28/13

So tired...
Of feeling like
I'm a fucking play toy
A chess piece
Sitting on the board
The checkered road ahead
Never clear
Never a clean path
Never knowing
Which way I'll be
Yanked around
To amuse you
So I turn myself
Inside out
To keep you from
Sacrificing my journey
To put forth another
More important piece
Than I could have ever been...
But know this....
I may not stand as tall as
She does
But I'm a fucking queen
In disguise

A Lesson On God.... 3/27/13

So I had a conversation this evening....
One that has a new way of thinking
Running around in my head like a 
Beacon in the night.....
Thank you Mrs. Mary Reed McCall
For the lesson you have taught me
Even after I left your classroom
Fifteen years ago...
You are still
Teaching me lessons
That burn inside me...

** After a discussion on Facebook concerning religious views and my lack of belief in religion, in God, due to the things that have happened in my life, I was presented with a new view this evening that blew me away, and I have to thank you Mrs. McCall.. You've really given me something to think about tonight.... **
You have comforted me in so many ways.... 
Thank you so much for your wisdom and your ability to school me even after all this time... as far as I'm concerned, you are an amazing woman who deserves all the good this world has to offer.... Thank you again....

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Touche' 3/27/13

Point scored
Damage done 
Heart demolished
By careless words
Slung off the tongues
Of the faithless...
Of those waiting in the wings
To dive for the scraps
Left on the floor 
From the bleeding
And at this point
I'm just about bled out
Weak and wandering 
In the darkness
Unable to find my way
Back to me
So touche'
You fired your shot
And your bullet has 
Found a home in me
Lodged in just the right spot
So that it can't be dug out
And forgotten.. 
It has found a home in me
Right next to all the others
That fester inside of me

The Devil's Maze.... 3/27/13

This has to be a game
Or a very sick sort of penance...
I'm inside the devil's playground maze
And I can't seem to find
My way out

I can't seem to coordinate
Which way I should turn here...
What the fuck is the right way
To right this wrong

Feeling this way should be outlawed
So fucking uncertain
You don't know which way to run
And you can't find where you
Last parked your sanity

So here I am
In the middle of the devil's maze
And I'm finding
That no matter where
I step next...
It will be a hell of
A journey...

One I'm damn certain
I'm not ready to take just yet

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

To My Mother.... 3/26/13

I hang my head in shame
When you lay your eyes on me
You are able to look into me
With just a glance
And see the filth
See the dirt
See every disgusting part
Of me
And still
You look upon me
With a spark of love
With a spark of hope
In the eyes I have known
Since I was a baby
In your arms
In your heart
How could I go
From the quiet, shy
Little girl
To the angry
Broken down
Used up woman
You see before you

You have given me
Something I never imagined
I'd be able to have
Another chance....
You have seen me
But you have never seen me
At my absolute worst and I
Am thankful for that
But by all I care for
By all I love
I am going to show you
A part of me
You have never seen....

My best...

I do not deserve this
But I cherish every
Phone call...
Every visit
It's almost like you're
Giving me life
Once again
Every time I hear you say
You love me
Because I don't deserve you

Monday, March 25, 2013

Limbo 3/25/13

There's something growing inside me
A yawning chasm of shame
Of degradation...
And sometimes
I feel as though
I belong there
In limbo
Stretched between
The woman I left behind
And the woman I'm
Running after
To capture and become
Trying to leave behind
The scapegoat
I've become
Feeling I could
Become all the lies
That drip so sweetly
From your lips
Become someone
Who looks ahead
Instead of wading in
The cesspool of my mind
Just remember..
I can play the fake it
To make it game
Until I'm so lost in between
Who you want me to be
And the beast that still hides
Just under my skin
That I can't find me
I'm lost
In the limbo
I carefully laid out
One mistake
At a time....

Tuesday, March 19, 2013


I don't sleep
Not anymore
There is no peace there
Not anymore
I find that in trying to
Kill off this need
I'm doing nothing more
Than losing myself
In a war I started
That I can't finish
Without losing all
Losing faith
In everything
Losing touch
With the reality I have
And the one I wanted
With you
The fear inside me
Has become endless
And I've been lying
To myself all along
Trying to believe that
If I just shut this out
If I make myself numb
That maybe I can see
The other side of this
Maybe I can see a life without you
But I'm finding that you're
So much a part of me
That if I lose you
I'll lose me anyway

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Discrepancy 3/14/13

I'm not meant for someone
As exquisite as you are
Someone who makes me feel
So alive
So unbelievably real
Someone who has been
More for me
Than anyone has before
You look at me
And you see the true me
The one I try so damn hard
To hide

So how do I reconcile
The discrepancy
Between your goodness
And my shame
At who I am
And who I could find
Under your tutelage
Under your hands
Where I so long to be

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

The Road 3/13/13

Still feel like
I'm bleeding
Like I'm broken
From walking the road
To home
That I've chosen to walk

Watching battles being fought
On every front
On every side
Taking bullets
For every one
Feeling that I've been
Stretched so thin
That this paper in front of me
Is mocking me

Trying desperately
To find the truth
Behind the lie
Of me
Trying to un-clench my teeth
From the barrel of my
Latest mistakes
Trying to find some part of me
That I can look into the mirror
And not find wanting

I'm over it
All the lies
All the broken promises
Finding the woman I am
Inside of the lie
Of what I could have been
Of who I could be

I'm left to find
That I've finally begun
To accept
That there are certain battles
That I can not fight
Without losing
Myself in the war
Realizing that I was never
Meant to win this one
Without carrying the
Battle scars
So that I can finally find my way
To what resembles home
Perhaps just a little less
Than I already am

**Inspired by a conversation and some awesome advise from an amazing friend and confidant... Zechariah Zeitler.  Thank you for all you do for me in the wee hours of the morning and for "dominating" my heart **

Visit 3/13/13

You're the one who thinks you know me
But you haven't got a clue
You're the one who thinks you have me
After all that I've been through

Breaking pieces off my soul
To try to fit you in
Not ready yet to give it all
Not ready yet to let this fall

Because I'm so damn empty
In all the places it counts
So damn fucked up and faithless
I don't want to add up
To find out what this amounts

So to what do I owe the pleasure
Of this visit from my past
To whom do I pay the debt I owe
Now that I can't see my way out

Burning from the inside out
Allowing my rage
To hollow me out
And turning back another page

Diet... 3/13/13

I never thought I'd see
This tomorrow
Never thought I'd face
These demons
And come out smoking
On the other side
Of hell
But here I stand
And I fear
All the time
That it was a laugh
For the devil
Because I rode into hell
On a one way ticket
And there is no getting out
And I'm just fooling myself
Into believing
That I can keep up
This charade
Of being like the rest
Of you "normal" people
Finding that I don't want
To fall into that category
As it stands
Finding that I'm so far from "normal"
That I'll never be clean
Never wipe away the filth
Of my past
And I've simply been feeding myself
A steady diet
Of bull shit
To keep myself
From falling back
From falling away
Realizing daily
That I'll never be
What you believe me
Capable of
And I'm getting lost
In the becoming

Monday, March 11, 2013

Outcome 3/11/13

There really is no way
To describe how I feel
And every night
Without you...
You're in my heart
Like no one else
Has ever been
And I'm missing you
In silence
Because to give this
The attention it deserves
Would be to change it all
In one breath
And I'm terrified
Of the outcome

Sunday, March 10, 2013

Choices... 3/10/13

What I am...
Who I've been 
Where I'm going 
Where I'll end up
All very good questions

And I'm lost 
In the decision making...

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Daddy's Shadow 3/6/13

It's 4 am
And here I sit
Trying to kill
The parts of myself
That I'll never be able
To reach
Trying to identify and
Destroy the pieces
Of me that are broken
Enough to make what
I did to myself
And those I love
But it never will be
It never was
There's no way
To explain
To anyone
Let alone myself
How I let everything
Fall away

I have put my children
Through something I never thought
I'd be capable of
I was a shadow portrait of
My father's actions
Only I took his desertion
To an unreachable level
I put my children through
Exactly what I did
As a child
I know just how they feel
My eldest's disillusionment
And the pain she endures still
Is a  white hot branding iron
Across my heart
Because I've lived it as well
And my baby....
My youngest...
Doesn't even remember me
Or so I'm told
And that alone
Is enough to send me here
At 4 am
To pour out my own pain
My own desolation
To try to come to terms
With myself

There are times
Like now
That I wish
I could be face to face
With the woman I was then
So that I could break her
So that I could end her
Because I hate her
For what she's done
So that I could show her
That she was about to follow
In her fathers shadow
And put her own babies
Through the same hell
She lived as a child
When her daddy walked away
Wish I could show her
That they would live believing
That they were somehow at fault
That they were unloved
Or not loved enough
To make her stay with them
To fight to make it right

I can tell myself all I want that
I didn't leave them...
That I was sick in the hospital
And when I got home everything
Fell apart...
That I didn't leave them by choice
They were taken from me
But that's just lip service
It all ends up the same
It all ends up here
At 4 am
Trying to come to terms with the fact
That I am
My Daddy's shadow...
I'm just like him
I loved them
But I left them when they needed me
The most...
And I can try to rationalize
But it all boils down to this...
I wasn't strong enough to fight
And I let the world fall away with my
Pain when I should have fought like hell
To keep them...
No matter the situation
I allowed my demons to take me
When I should have been something
Their Mother...

Removed 3/6/13

I have been so far
From life
Until very recently
I made the changes
That were so badly
So far removed
From who I am
In this moment
That who I've been
And who I am
Are like different people
One that I choose to be
From today on
And one I've left behind

But she follows me
She lives still
In the shadows
She's an ever present
That being absent
From life
Is no life at all
And I've decided
That I'm done being
From everything
That matters to me
From everyone
I should have never
Removed myself from
In the first place
But I wasn't well enough
To be what was needed
Until I stopped
Listening to the screaming
In the silence of my soul
And I began working for
What I wanted
Instead of choosing to
Remain numb from life
Choosing to remove
Me from me
Until I decided
To choke my demons
Into silence
Instead of feeding
The beast I had become

A beast that reminds me
That to reconcile who I was
With who I am now
Is something I'll never
Allow myself to do
Because that girl
Is dead
Breanne has died
But Bre is here now
To stand
And receive the hatred
The disgust
I so deserve
For every mistake
Breanne made
In her quest to find
One she succeeded
In finding
One I'm still
Climbing back out of
And always will be
Until you are back
In my arms

Decision 3/6/13

Had a conversation today
With someone I can't
Deny was right
About everything
About me

I chose the wrong path
When it comes to my daughter
I chose to stay away
So as not to hurt her more
Than I already was

And her aunt was right today
Any contact
Would have been better
Than allowing others
To make me believe
That walking away
Would have been better for her
And a living hell
For me

And now I've decided
That this separation
Being absent
Was the wrong decision
For  us both
And I'm working to
Rectify a mistake
That never should have
Taken place
To begin with...

And I wonder
With every breath I take
If this decision
Is the right one

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Agony 3/5/13

I believed I knew
The meaning of
And what it feels like
To hurt so bad you'd
Rather end it
Than deal with it
Even one more day

But I was so wrong
So wrong

Life without you
Is killing me
I physically hurt inside
To feel you
In my arms
Even just to hear
Your sweet voice....
Would be like a
Like a gift
From a God
I don't believe in

I am allowed small
Treasures at times
Stories about you
Pictures of you
And they're like
A knife in my guts
But they bring a
Small measure
Of peace...
So I continue this
This agony of
Mother and child
Between hearts
That were once
Sharing a body
Sharing a soul
That are so far
Apart right now
That the distance
Seems a physical thing
Instead of mere miles

Missing 3/5/13

Life is so unpredictable
So many choices
So many decisions
And I made all the wrong ones
And I lost you
I ache inside
To hold you
To feel your little body
Wrapped tight
In my arms
But all I feel right now
Is empty
I'm missing so much
That I'll never get back
And I know that every day
Draws us further apart
If there was truly a God
You would be here
Surrounded by my love
If there was truly 
A forgiving God
I would be watching you sleep 
Right this moment
Instead of missing you
Instead of wishing
Instead of yearning
I'd be laying beside you
Watching you
Loving you

Bullet 3/5/13

I'm not ready 
To face what I'm feeling
Right now
Not willing 
To bring these things
Out into the light
To be chewed up 
And spit out
By people with no
Idea the hurt
They'd cause
With their criticism...
You think you know me
But you'll never see
The hate and the lies
That lay buried 
Under my skin
You'll never know
The hurt and the rage
I hide inside so hard
I bleed to let it out
Rage I'm nurturing like a 
Mother with a newborn
Because it reminds me 
Of the battle I've yet 
To win or lose
Like I'm standing on the 
Battlefield waiting for the
Shot that will end it
That will finally give me
Finally allow me 
And when you find me
I hope the gun
That fired the long awaited
Isn't still smoking
In my own hand

Monday, March 4, 2013

License 3/4/13

Is this something real
Or am I setting myself up
For the greatest fall
Of my life

I've always believed
That nothing good
Can last
Nothing right
Is meant for me
Like I'm always
For the other shoe
To drop

There is a darkness
Inside of me
Always waiting
Always pulling
Begging for me to
Allow myself to fall
Back into oblivion

And sometimes the fight
Gets so tedious
So hard to turn away
That I hide myself
Away from all of it
From everyone
So that I don't find myself
Tripping back
Into madness...

So please understand
When I disappear
It's not because of you
Any of  you
It's because I fear
The license I'll allow
In a moment
Of weakness

Saturday, March 2, 2013

Chasm 3/2/13

There was once a you
And there was a me
Then came the us
And then the goodbye
And that was the end

We met like two
Refugees from the war
Fresh from battle
Trying desperately to cling
To the small measure of peace
We'd found with each other

And we were good together
Each in our own way
Healing the wounds
Fighting our small battles
Until we found ourselves
Being led
Once more
Back into the onslaught
The war had found us
Once again

And we lost ourselves
Then we lost each other
For what we thought
Would be forever

Until there you stood
Bleeding and broken
From the fight
Your lips crimson
From the violent kiss
Of war
And there was I
Unable to cross
The chasm
Of all that used to be
And all that would never be


This was written by a VERY good friend of mine
Who wishes to remain anonymous... 
For this, we will call her

Silence is killing me.
Words traped behind
Locked lips
Sitting on a twisted tounge
Judment sent down
Opions are taken as truth
We are not the ones
To serve out this sentcene
The innocent pay
The cost of all our sins
Our blood flows the same
How does 10 miles
Feel like 10 million?
No one alone is at fault
No one alone holds the blame
Instead you sit there
I sit here
Each moment of the killing silence
Adds another mile
To the gapping hole
That used to be

Written by,