Sunday, December 28, 2014

End Game 12/28/14

So many people
Look down on me
For the things
I have done
And instead of
Playing their game
Of who's better
Than who
I've tried to
Turn the other
But I find
That when I do
I miss the swing
Of the knife
As it arc's
Toward my

I'm just tired
Of playing
Of paying
Of fighting
When the battle
Has already been lost
I'm starting from
And watching each step
So that my
End game
Can come
To light

And what an
End game
It is

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Looking In... 12/16/14

Looking in
That's me
Always the one
Watching others
Have their
Happy little lives
While I stand
Allowing the
Winter to
Freeze me

Put here because
I fucked it all up
All by myself
The choices
I've made
Were never taken
Never taken
For granted

Until I realized
What I took
For granted
Was Me
Who I could have been
Who I was meant to be
I've finally come
To terms with
The glaring truth

I'm not allowed
To have happy
To have trust
To have love
To have comfort
To have a home...
To have a family

These are things
I crave
Like I crave
My next breath

But things
I'm not allowed
To hold
While I stand
On the outside
Looking in....

Friday, December 5, 2014

The Line 12/5/14

The line
On her inner thigh
One of many
Like a fresh
Sheet of lined paper
Waiting for the writer
To begin her tale
Of woe
The scars
From her attempts
To focus
Her pain
Because it becomes
So all encompassing
That if she doesn't
Cut down deep enough
It won't stop
It won't ever end
And now
Her scars
Have prepared
An archive
For her to begin
Her letter
Of farewell
To life
Written in blood
On skin

"You Go Girl" 12/5/14

I have a little something to bitch about... something that's been eating me for a few days now. Something that if left unspoken will eat a hole in me and there are far too many of those already.

I value true friends
I value them to the point
Of calling them family
I value open and honest people
People who aren't afraid to be up front
People who have gone out of their way to help me
Just as I have done for them
I've kept their secrets
They've kept mine
They aren't afraid to tell me
Just how shit stands
Like a woman
Face to face
Instead of on Facebook
For others to read and comment on
Without knowing both sides
People who value me
Just as I value them
People I would die for

It's for friends like those
I would walk through fire
It's for friends like those
I'd be their biggest ally

I've had friends like those
The ones that become so important
So close to your heart
That when they allow
Petty material shit
To get in the way of that friendship
Are the same ones
That when they decide you aren't worth
Their time or their consideration
The common decency to keep
Your business off of Facebook
Make me feel
I have to reconsider
The friendship
Because people I call friends
Don't put my private business
Out there for the world to see
Because I prefer to keep my dealings
Out of the public eye
And anyone that claimed to be my friend
To be my family
Knows this about me
And decided to completely disregard it
For a few "atta boy's" and "you go girl's"
Because nobody who wanted to remain
In my life
Would do such a thing

Thursday, November 6, 2014

Letter to JM 11/6/14

I see
Your beloved face
In pictures 
I wasn't meant 
To see 
Because you 
Despise the very
Air I breathe 
Because of all the
Rotten memories 
That have now 
The good 
I understand 
You're reticence 
Your unwillingness 
To allow such an
Unfaithful foe
Back into 
Your world
Into your confidence 
Even your acquaintance

No matter what 
Steps I work 
Or how much 
A person can change 
I can't erase the memories 
Of how badly I have 
Let you down 
That have gotten us
To this season of silence 

But it doesn't change 
The sound
Of my heart
Shattering inside
My chest
No matter how
I am of 
This agony

I still miss you 
With every breath
With every tear
I shed 
At this loss
And even If
You never let me 
Back into your life 
I will be watching 
I will be loving
And I will be waiting 
Should your step 
Ever falter back
In my direction 

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Painful Steps 11/5/14

I write these words on paper 
So that they 
Take form
Made substantial 
By simply flowing ink
On white
I wish
More than anything
I could show them 
So that you could feel 
The power behind them 
So that you could feel
The way I do 
When I see them

These steps
Sounds simple 
From the lay mans point of view
But I stand here 
Poised on the edge of beginning
The Fourth Step
And to do so
I must look at something
I've been running from
For so long I have almost 
Forgotten how it began
I have to write these words 
On paper
And stake myself out
And admit
For God, another human 
And most frighteningly 
The exact nature 
Of my wrongs 

And there are so many
So much 
I haven't even acknowledged 
Let alone admitted 
That soon this blank canvass 
Will fill
With all the dirty little secrets
I've had hidden inside

So I write these words
On paper
And I wish 
The pen wasn't so heavy, filled 
With all the wrongs
For which now 
I must atone

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

My Turn. 10/21/14

I've heard it said
That it can't rain
All the time
That the sun will
Fight it's way through
The darkness and 
The sun will find it's time
In which to shine

Will it
Be my turn 
To shine

I feel like I've fought my way
Through so much darkness 
That it's almost become 
Part of me. 
And change 
Has never been
Something in which
I seem to excel
But sometimes
I feel the light 
Trying to find it's way
Up and out 
Of this blackness
In which I've found myself
A home. 

Monday, October 20, 2014

Heaven Waiting 10/20/14

I held you close
In the early morning light
The world was calm
The moon still bright
You turned your head
You opened your eyes
And you smiled
So sweetly
It haunts me still
What was there 
In your mind
Inside that smile?
Did you already see 
Heaven waiting?

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Pretend 10/15/14

I stand out in the rain 
That the baby I just held
Was my Kairi. 
He smelled so good
As babies do 
All soft and sweet
And I ache so badly
To hold my Kairi 
That I can hardly stand 
The pain

I wish
So badly
To feel her little body
Snuggled on my chest
The way she was 
The last time I held her
Not knowing it would be our last
And I remember 
How good she felt
And how precious 
Those last moments were
And I guard them 
In my memory
Because I was the one
Who held her
Who loved her 
As she slipped into
And I was the one
Who will hold those 
Last fleeting moments 
In my heart and mind
Until I meet her there. 

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My Worst Enemy 9/23/14

Is there hope 
For one such as me? 
Is there a light 
At the end
Of this seemingly 
Endless tunnel?
Sometimes I try
To look ahead 
And dream of 
A better life
A future in that light 
Somewhere warm and 
One where I can hold 
My babies once again 
And somewhere 
I can finally feel whole
Somewhere to heal 
From these vicious
Self inflicted wounds...

But there's always someone 
Standing solidly
Blocking my path
Getting in the way
And taking me further 
From the life I wish for 
And when I see her 
She's always shrouded in 
And I always followed 
Her down the wrong path 
Until I decided to shine a light
Into her ravaged face 
And realized I was always
Just staring at
Myself in the mirror 
At my own worst enemy

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Naked 9/21/14

I've gotten so good 
At doing the wrong thing
Choosing the wrong path
That I wonder now
If I'm ever going to
Truly fit
Truly adhere
To the right 

I think about you 
Sometimes when I'm 
Feeling morose 
And I wonder
How you sleep
At night
Wrapped up tight
In your solitude
Like a blanket

I'm getting tired
Of always looking at
What I've lost
So damn sick of 
The pity party
I've wallowed in 
That I believe 
It's time now
To look only at what 
I have gained
And what I am going to 
Now that I've 
Cast off your blanket
And walked 
Into the light...

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Masks 9/3-14

You and I 
Have seen too much
Of how harsh
This wold 
Can be

So we show
A different side
Of ourselves 
To people 
And portray ourselves 
As hardened
So that the world
Keeps it's self
At arms length. 
Because we have seen
What can happen 
If we let it get too close
We wear masks
To keep them from seeing
How vulnerable we can be. 

You have seen me
Without mine
At my worst
When I was ready
To give certain people
The satisfaction
Of seeing me 
Blow a hole
Into mine

And you're still here
   Slowly untying the strings 
      That holds yours
          In place 

Monday, September 1, 2014

Two Weeks 9/1/14

On this day
Last year
Had I known
Had I suspected
The moment 
The days
The months 
Of pure hell
I would have to endure
I wouldn't have changed
A single thing
But for one
On that day
When I held you 
In my arms 
In the wee hours
So you could have your bottle
So we could have 
Mommy and Kairi time
I would never have taken
My eyes off of you 
Never would have 
Fallen asleep 
So that I could have been
And saved you 
The moment you 
Breathed your last

Sunday, August 31, 2014

Dear Irelynd, 8/31/14

In 12 days, the court proceedings begin. I pray to God I am doing the right thing in starting now but I don't believe your daddy is being honest with me. Now I am starting to believe the only reason he has asked me to wait is so that he can have my parental rights taken from me.  I no longer know what to believe. All I know is that I have done everything I can think of to get better so that I can be the mom a little girl as wonderful as you deserves.  I understand why there are those who don't believe I've changed. I was not in any shape at all not too long ago to be in your life. I know that. But I have gone through so much to get to where I am now and I can't wait any longer to hold you in my arms. I have been told to stay away for a long time now by your daddy and your Mema and perhaps at one time it was warrented, but I can't go much longer. I want to begin building memories so that we have a solid foundation for the rest of our days. If I could talk peacefully with your daddy I would have never gotten the courts involved but it seems that can't happen. So to court we go. The battle begins. 

All my heart,
All my love,


Friday, August 29, 2014

Miracle Grow 8/29/14

I see things
A little differently
Than others
I see people 
For who they are
Not what
I value honesty
I value love 
In it's purest form 
The love of a mother
To her daughter 
Born not of blood
But something greater...

I sit here beside you 
And I wish silently
That my children 
Had grown up 
With you
That I had 
That I had been able 
To grow with you 
As my caretaker 
Like one of your garden 
Loved and sheltered 
But it wasn't meant to be
Instead you get me after
Life has wilted me some. 
But as my master gardener
You've tended my fragile new
And let me feel the warmth 
Of the sun. 
I am learning
To be a good little
To show you that
I deserve your 
To show them all
Just how much 
I've grown
With your blessing
Under your love

Thursday, August 21, 2014

My Hero 8/21/14

When I was a little girl 
I thought you were god
I know I shouldn't. Say that 
But it's true
You were everything I thought 
God was supposed to be.
But firm
You were my hero
And I would have followed 
You anywhere

But I grew up
As little girls tend to do
But due to circumstances 
Far beyond reason
I wasn't meant to be with you
So our journeys parted
Mine took me into the bowls
Of hell and left me on the edge 
But this story isn't about me

From what I have leaned
Yours took you into the loving arms
Of your soul mate 
You had lives to save 
With your call to heal the sick
You had two more beautiful girls
That graced your life with their light 
And you found your way 
Into a strong relationship with god. 

When we met again 
After years apart
When I was standing 
On the edge of no return 
You saved me
You drew me back to life 
So that I could stay with my baby
So that I could see the
Gracious life I wanted to achieve

But I lost my way in my darkness 
And I wouldn't let myself believe
That I was worth saving
And you found yourself
Facing the battle of your life

I wasn't there for the beginning 
But I was there at the end.  
And I held your hand in mine
And kissed your cheek 
And asked god to tell you
That you're still my hero 
And now j know that you and god
Are up there guiding me 
And showing me the way
Out of the darkness 
And into your light. 

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Daddy 8/15/14

Im not ready
To lose you
Not ready to 
Face the rest of
My life 
Without your smile
Without your unique 
Sense of humor
Without your amazing 
Ability to see past the 
Bad in me
And find the good
In spite do all the 
Wrong I've done. 
The fear in me
At the thought of 
Living without you
In the world 
To lift me up 
When I've fallen
And to kick my ass 
When I'm acting like one 
Fills me with such 
I'm not ready
To lose you
Not at all...
But I will love you
Respect you
And keep the 
Promises I made
And I know you'll
Keep yours
Because you see
Once upon a time 
There was a little girl 
Who would wait for her 
To come home from work 
So that she could have 
Daddy and I time
Where she would pull off
His shoes and socks
And rub his feet
Until the time he 
Didn't come home...
Not for a long time
Not til the girl became 
A woman
And they had 
Met on the scortched bridge
That they had burnt 
From either end 
And together
They rebuilt it 
And now
The girl is older
And her daddy
Is ill
Sick with a most 
Horrid illness
And he stands 
Poised on the edge of
Now and forever
And she feels just like
A little girl again
Waiting for her daddy
To go home
Where he can be
Beyond the pain
Wishing him a good journey
But wishing selfishly 
For him to stay
Just a little longer

Saturday, July 26, 2014

Cause of Death 7/25/14

I have been as insulted as 
A woman and a mother as 
I am going to allow 
As of today I am no longer
Going to sit and take this
Vicious slander 
From people who
Once called themselves 
Family... People who are
Unable to deal with certain 
Truths that I will spell out 
Once again
So that there is no mistake. 
I spoke again with the 
Funeral director today
Just to hear from him    
That there was no change 
From his original findings
My child passed away 
From SIDS. 
But for some reason 
Someone connected to
Her fathers family would 
Rather spread 
Lies and try to 
Justify Kairi's passing
By telling people that I 
Caused the death 
Of my angel. 
And it is because of this
Because they would all
Rather believe this bull shit
And allow this woman 
Who is speaking for them
Without having even known 
My child
That I have set on a course of
Action that I believe I have to. 
At the time of her passing 
I allowed her urn to include
The last name of this family
Because I believed I was doing 
The right thing

And today I ordered the new one
While I had the director on the phone
So that her name is correct
As it was on her birth certificate 
Because my give a shit has finally
Shattered where this is concerned 
I loved my daughter to distraction and 
I refuse to take this sickening 
Insult quietly. 

Thursday, July 24, 2014

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 
I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 
What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 
I miss you. 
I love you. 
And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

Monday, July 21, 2014

To Connie Lynn 7/21/14

I looked through you
And saw myself 
On the other side 
I tried so hard 
To make myself 
Into someone 
You could love
But in the end 
I made you hate
All that I'd tried
So hard to be

This was my own mistake

I tried to love someone
Who couldn't love me
For what I was
Someone who took me
In hand and shaped me
Like clay, crushed me and 
Strangled what I was
Until I was without
A shape and form
Poured me out into
A mold I was too big
To fit
And left me there 
To wither and die
In the sunlight 
Just to make me 
Pretty enough
To make him feel
Pretty enough
To shelter the lie
That was his love
Until I began to 
Crack and chip away 
At the deceit 
And found a woman
Without form
For me to shape
This time
For me

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Fallout 7/19/14

I have a tendency 
To torture myself 
With things I should 
I seek out people
I should stay
Away from and 
I let situations that
Have no bearing 
On myself 
Become objects of 
I see things I 
Shouldn't sometimes
And for that reason 
I have tried to 
Make someone I
Once cared greatly for
See the folly of the 
Choices of recent past
It matters not that I haven't 
Been wrong yet in my readings 
But people will do what they will
Be damned the consequences 
I just fear the enormity of the 
Fallout from this choice 
This decision that you've made
In spite of the warning 
You feel up your spine and 
In your gut
As you read these words. 

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Voices 7/17/14

If there were words
To say what I need to
To fix my ever present 
Fuck ups 
I would tattoo them 
Across my heart
And hand it to you
I loved you
As a child 
Even though I didn't show it
I was always proud of you
Even though I did nothing to 
Earn it 
I heard your voice today
For the first time in years
And the tears fell like rain
Trying to cleanse
My guilt
That I don't deserve 
To be free of 
There aren't enough tears
To wash away
The pain 
Of losing you 

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Shadows 7/16/14

As always
In the shadows 
As you dance onto 
The scene
With hair and skirt
Fanning out around you
Like a halo 
A woman's charms 
All her own 

Her secrets
Buried deeply 
All these years
Begin to show 
Around her eyes 
And her laugh lines
Furrow deeply 
Into worry
And the scars 
She held tightly
On the inside
Begin to shape her

Once a young girl
Full of promise 
Full of life
Now feels old
And withered inside 
Where she once held 
Her female charms
Became a chasm of 
Despair and anger
That she uses as a weapon
To deflect any hint of softness
Taken these days too often 
As weakness
And that she shows only 
In these shadows in which I stand
Watching memories of myself 
Play across my mind
Of the days before 
My reality came home
With ribbons undone. 

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Thanks to Tony 7/9/14

A tiny prince lays sleeping
Curled tightly into a ball 
Even though he is safe
Even though he is sheltered
From the storm
This night
He lays resting 
As though he has traveled
A great distance
And is weary 
From the road
He finds himself
A broke down palace
To take this respite
Full of women 
As road worn as he

And he is instantly adored
Because he shows them
That even though his beginning 
Was not one if pride
His present and his future
Are not set 
And he gives them all the love
He still carries inside
Through the world has shown him
Only pain
He still carries the ability
To love uninhibitedly 

Showing them that they too
Carry the ability to hold 
Such love inside

Monday, July 7, 2014

Happy Birthday Kairi 7/8/14

I sit here 
Your tiny fingers
Wrapped around mine
How you would lay on
Your changing table and 
You would talk you your 
Stuffed chihuahua that I
Swear you named "Agee"
And girl, sometimes you'd
Get so mad at that stinking 
How you would lay on my chest
And look up into my eyes
And show me what it felt like
To be where you are now.
How you would lay sleeping
Peacefully in your crib
And how hard it was 
To look away
I remember every moment 
You spent in my arms 
And how it felt when you
Moved in me
For the first time
And every time after
I would lay and dream
And pray and hope
Until the day I pushed you
Into this world 
And saw for the first time
What an angel really looked like. 
I remember our first talk
In the hospital when we
Were alone about how
I got to have the honor
Of being your mother 
Of giving you my name
Of being the only one 
Who got to shelter and protect 
You inside of me. 
And that is one honor I 
Won't take lightly

Tomorrow would have been 
Your first birthday. 
I should have been putting 
Together a party for a princess
Instead of releasing balloons 
So you can have them in heaven.
Tomorrow your family, 
The ones who have stood
Strong in their love for you
Are going to meet me. 
To honor you
No cake and candles
Your light will never be extinguished
No silly birthday games for kids
The adults have already played them
But by God, my baby
Will have her balloons

No laughter 
No pigtails 
No ribbons 
No lace

Your memory time
Can not erase

All my love to you
Kairi Alina McGowan

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Dear Irelynd, 6/25/14

I write this to you tonight 
So that you can look back
Someday and know that 
Even though I wasn't able
To be with you today
My heart was
And always is 
Beside you
Inside of you.

You're getting so big baby!
You're six years old now
And I have missed so much
That we will never be able 
To get back...
You have every right
To hate me as much 
As everyone else
And I won't blame you
If you do. 
You are lucky enough
To have a wonderful and loving
A beautiful and caring 
Woman stands in my place
And even though I am
Eaten alive with jealousy 
I also know that she loves
You just as much as I do. 
And I am at peace with that. 

Know always 
That I love you
And completely. 
The moment 
You ask for me
I will be there
Where my heart 
Has lived
All this time

I pray for that day 
Every single day
Every long lonely night
And with every breath
I breathe
I am so proud of you!

Congratulations my baby
It's on to first grade next year!!!


Wednesday, June 18, 2014

To My Mother. 6/18/14

Tonight you said something
I never thought I'd hear from you 
Something I didn't ask for
But receive with humility 

I once wrote
About how badly
I needed 
Your acceptance
So freely and 
Unwaveringly given
To others
But denied me
But I see now... 
It wasn't out of favoritism
Or because your
Heart lacked the love
I felt from you when 
I was younger. 

It's harder to accept
When you finally realize
You weren't worthy of it 
And won't be worthy of it
Until you're able
To prove yourself
And now that I'm getting 
To that point
I find myself 
Almost fearing
That moment

Sunday, June 15, 2014

Fierce 6/15/14

Trying to put things
Into perspective 
Has given me a gift
That I didn't see coming

When you showed me 
Just how hard your
Heart has become
You inadvertently 
Freed me

I no longer have to
Feel this unease inside me 
Thinking that I should have 
Done this
Said that
Tried harder
To keep things 
Not for us,
But to honor her
By being friendly
With you
So that we could 
Have that venue of
Open communication

But as of today
I'm free of this worry inside
That I'm somehow doing her
Wrong by not attempting 
She took that worry 
Out of my heart and mind
By sending me another
Of her messages from heaven
One that was unmistakably from 
Her after all that has transpired
In the past few days
After a few truths 
Were drawn into the light

I thank her
For showing me that 
She doesn't blame me 
For this parting of the ways
That has come to pass. 
I thank god she knows 
That I did all I could to 
Keep things decent
So we could celebrate 
Her life together
With her there
On her birthday 
But her family will 
Be present if no one is there
But me. 
I have peace knowing 
She saw it all
And sees that 
I love her enough
To put myself 
Out on a limb
To be the hated one
By others
But a fierce and loving 
To her

Letter From Kairi to Her Daddy on His First Fathers Day. 6/15/14

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
Who loved her father
Very much. 
The little girl wanted 
Very much 
To spend this day
With her beloved father
To lay in his arms
And feel his love
Surrounding her...
But she was called home
By her Heavenly Father. 
On this day, 
Even though she lays
In His arms. 
She longs to feel
The love of her father
She had to leave down here. 
So this morning 
She sent her momma
A message for him...

My Dearest Daddy,

I miss you more
Than any words 
Could ever express, 
But I want you to know
I am loved
I am safe
And I am always with you. 
Always and forever
My love is in you

Happy Father's Day Daddy

Your Baby Girl
Kairi Alina McGowan

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Righteous Fury 6/24/14

I've heard it said
That hell hath no fury
Like a woman scorned. 
And I've been as scorned 
As a woman can get 
The moment you spoke 
Against the memory 
Of my child. 
Like you have any right
To do so. 

In two weeks
I will honor the 
The day of my
Sweet Kairi's birth. 
I'd offered to have a 
Memorial service
And include her entire family
But it seems my efforts
To have a day for her
With everyone in one place 
To honor her as one
Was just too much 
To expect out of those who
Claim to love her the most. 

There is so much 
That I would like 
To say here
So much that will
Sever the rest of the
Tie that has been 
Stretched too thin already 
By my righteous fury
In the face of such 
Blatant disregard 
For the memory 
Of so precious 
A life

One that I alone
Will continue to
And mourn
With every breath
I take
And every

Monday, June 9, 2014

Full Truths 6/9/14

When I say I miss you
What I really mean is
That I miss you more than
I'd miss the very air I breathe. 

When I say I love you 
It means I love you in spite
Of every wrong move and
Any feelings of anger, betrayal,
Or loss.

When I say I need you
What I'm really saying
Is that I ache inside
So badly sometimes 
I feel it physically and it
Doubles me over from 
The pain

I miss you
I love you 
I need you

And without you
I am lost out here

Sunday, June 8, 2014

Connie Lynn 6/8/14

She asks:
"Will I ever feel
Beautiful again.."
I answer:
One day my sweet
Sister of my heart
You will see
That just because
Your heart has been
As abused as it can be
Has in no way 
Tarnished the beauty 
That you have inside. 
That man could never
Keep his eyes trained
On the brilliance of the 
Light that shines from you. 
A light so bright it's like
Looking into the sun. 
Your heart
Even in your
Darkest moments
Even as broken as you feel
Because of one mans folly
Remains the most beautiful
Heart I've had the honor
Of having in my life...
Connie.... You have
All my love

Saturday, May 31, 2014

Without 5/30/14

How do you live
Without hope?
Without something 
To live for?
How do you
Find the will
To face each new day

Each new challenge 
Knowing inherently 
That you matter
To no one?

All good questions
No good answers...

Friday, May 16, 2014

Vicious 5/16/14

I write 
My rage
On paper
So that 
You won't 
See it 
Behind my eyes
Every time 
You try 
And fail
To see me...

I spit 
My spite
In great
Disgusting globs
So that
I don't 
Spit it
Into your 

I repress
My viciousness
Because I fear
The lengths 
To which I go
When pushed 
Beyond my 

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Mirror Image 4/10/14

I sit here
Looking at myself
In the mirror
And all I see
Is someone
I don't know
Someone hiding
Behind a mask
That no longer fits
Someone so broken
That she no longer
Makes any sense...
Just a jumbled
Mess of features
That don't fit
With who she
Thought she was
And who she
Longs to be...
I wish I could
Live in the world
On the other side of
The mirror
The antithesis
Of this world
Where pain and rage
Are constant companions
And all that I love
Are estranged

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

The Void 4/9/14

Finding myself
Trying to breach
This void...
And finding myself
Unable to breathe
Unable to catch
A glimpse of
The sanity I was
On the other side

Tuesday, March 25, 2014

Penance 3/25/14

How many times
Can a heart shatter
Before there's nothing left?
How long will this
Penance go on?

I miss you
Every moment of
Every day
With every
Every breath

You have decided
That you don't want
Me in your life
And the rational
Part of me can
Accept it

But knowing
That you don't
Want to talk to me
You don't want
To see me
Is slowly eating
Another hole
Another chasm
Of pain and
One that can't
Be healed
By anyone but you

Help me
I can't fix this
Alone anymore

Sunday, March 16, 2014

Anchor 3/15/14

I have been removed
By someone I love
More than I thought possible
They say that
When it rains
It pours
And they weren't
I'm tired of
Starting over
Tired of trying to
Find my way alone
I have never wanted
To disappear
More than I do
In this moment
I no longer have
An anchor to this
World that will
Allow me to hold it
Allow me to love it
What I have brought
Into the world with
Has either died or
Dicarded me and my love
Like garbage
And the pain of this loss
Is an ache in me
That I can't cover or contain
I am trying to make a life
But find I have nothing
To make it for.

Monday, March 10, 2014

The Someday

How do you find and fix
What's broken inside of yourself?
What makes someone
Get this broken?
I know that I deserve
A lot of what has
Transpired over the years
A lot of it I didn't
But I cant believe
That I can't be made
Whole again somehow
I am trying to be better
To attempt to fill the
Holes in my life
The voids that can only
Be filled by certain
Those I will have to wait on
For the someday
That may never come...
I know I have a reckoning
Awaiting me
One I yearn for
But fear in the same

The Middle

There you'd lay
All sweetness and innocence
Like a divider
Amid the turbulence
That churned constantly
Between us
Your daddy and I
You were the glue, you see
That held us together
And the loss of your light
Has put such darkness in me
I thought I knew
What darkness
Tasted like
Until I lost you
And now today
I feel nothing but
When I remember
The way I felt
When I'd lay in my spot
Just left of
The middle

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Search and Rescue Mission 1/12/14

I've found something
Inside of myself
Just recently
That I never thought
I had in me...
Something so deeply buried
That I needed a
Search and rescue team
To find it...
And I have one hell
Of an amazing team now
People who have so
Deeply and profoundly
Helped me heal on my
Continuing path
That I've decided against
Continuing my self-destructiveness
And begin the long
Sometimes agonizing
Sometimes so
Damned rocky road
That it seems it will
Never end well for me
But I now know
I have so much to give
That it has been and
Will continue to be
Worth the pain
To find myself

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Absence... 1/22/14

It's over
All of it...
The needles
The pills
The endless urge
To be absent
From life
The endless aching
To be with her
To find a way to
Escape this pain
Of her loss
Of mine
The welcome oblivion
That comes when
The poison
Surges through me
Making me numb
So that I don't have
To wonder
If she's watching
Because I didn't care
I didn't want to
I didn't want to think
That she's seen it all
I'm tired of
Pushing my soul down
With every stab
Every mark
A benediction
Until today
Until today

I've been so absent
That I didn't realize
That I'd lost myself
Along this road
One more fucking time
And as of today
I'm absent
No longer

Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Spider & Fly 1/20/14

Have you ever sat
And wished
You could be
A fly on the wall?
That you could
Hear what others
Truly think of you?
If they roll their eyes
When you call
Or if they truly
Are the way they seem...
I sometimes feel
Like that fly
But sometimes
Just sometimes
I feel like the
Waiting for the fly
To make a move
In my direction
Because I don't know
If I really want to know
I'm tired of wanting
I can't have
I'm tired of reaching
For something
That isn't even
Within my grasp
Tired of wishing
When all the hope
Inside of me
Has died
And waiting
The fucking spider
Would just strike

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Just For A Laugh.... 1/14/14

Little Bre Muffett
Sat on her Tuffet
Sniffing a bundle of dope (only for rhyming reasons..)
Twas a huge spider fucker
And she called Connie Tucker
Who killed it and sat
For a smoke

Monday, January 13, 2014

Two Red Mittens 1/12/14

I am having a very hard time
Dealing with the loss of my little girl
But see...
She's still with me...
And she has her little ways
To let me know that
She's watching
She's aware of it all.......

***And so the story begins***

Two days ago,
I was sitting in my room
Holding Kairi's picture...
Having one of my moments...
And looking out the front window
At all the snow on the ground
And I started thinking to myself...
That I'd gotten her a snow suit
Two tiny red mittens
But when I moved
I left it with her daddy
Because the thought that she'd
Never have to see autumn...
She'd never see winter
Was too much for me to

I got up and placed
The picture on the bed
And left the room to try to
Get a coffee or use the restroom..
I can't remember which...
And when I returned

Sitting there in the middle of the floor
Was one red mitten...
And I thought.. nah, it couldn't be....
And when I spoke to her father
About it...
He looked in what he has of hers
And there it sat...
Just one red mitten...
One for each of us

She let us know
She's still watching

With two tiny
Red Mittens

Saturday, January 11, 2014

The Wacko Speaks... 1/11/14 UPDATED

 **** Sometime Unfortunately... I jump the gun before I have all the facts... and from here on out, I will get my information straight from the source... Thank you Jason for clearing things up and being the proud wonderful father you have always been and continue to be.... I apologize for any misconception on my part....****

There are some pretty fucked up
People in this world...
Myself, I try to surround myself
With people who are supportive
People who try to help me in a
Positive way
Instead of what I just dealt with
This evening...

I've found the answer as to why
Kairi's father decided to stop speaking
With me....
And I'm floored by the fact
That he's so concerned with the
Opinions of other people that he
Decided against keeping a friendship
With me because of his buddies
Uninformed and unwarranted opinion
That someone elses view of what he
Should be doing is more important
Than honoring his daughter's memory

I truly never thought I'd see that from him
I believed he loved his daughter more than he
Cared about what other people thought

Perhaps someday,
When he decides he'd like to honor his child
And have an honest friendship with her mother
As she would want for us, I'll be willing...

And then maybe I won't...
Because this one isn't on me...
Not this time...

So saith the "Wacko"

Thursday, January 9, 2014

Childhood Memories... 1/9/14

For some reason
The topic of childhood memories
Came up in conversation today
And now, all day long
I have this one moment
That keeps playing in my mind...

The older sister... being facetious of course
Decided to tell her little sister
That her Barbies came to life
Every time she left the room..
And of course the little sister looked
At her big sister skeptically...
And tried very hard not to believe
The story she'd been told...

Until the afternoon she went with
Their mother shopping and the
Big sister... being a bratty big sister
Decided it was time to play a little
Prank on her little sis....
So she went in and posed every one
Of her little sisters Barbie dolls
All over the room...
Some of them sleeping in the
Barbie mansion
Some driving in the
Barbie Corvette
Some even climbed the book case
And were looking at the books...
And when she was done she left the room
Alive with Barbies....

And then the little sister came home
And she went upstairs....
Big sister just waiting at the bottom
Until she went in and....

Her little sister Screamed her bloody head off
And the big sister tried hard not to laugh...
She ran upstairs and saw her baby sisters face...
The fear and shock on her face made her little joke
Seem like a cruel game...
She'd truly scared her...
Because when she walked into the room
One of the Barbies fell over...
Like she'd gotten caught by the little sister
And she fell down dead....

And the big sister
Feeling like dirt
For upsetting her baby sister
Who yes, could be annoying
And yes, could get her so angry
And yes, who followed her around
Asking her to read
"Tommit the Comet",
A book she truly despised...
Told her the truth of what she'd done
Because of the tears and the fear
In her little sister's eyes...

And now....
Things have changed
So drastically
That nothing will ever
Heal the breach...
But I still remember you
And I still and for always
Will love you
No matter how much
You hate me...

You can't take away
The memories of
Julie and Justice...
Apprentices to the Kingdom
Who worked together
In the kitchen
And the mermaids
That would swim together
In the pool
In the back yard...

Or when I was little
And I got to come to the hospital
To hold my baby sister in my arms
For the first time...
This memory plays quite a bit
Because of the last baby I held
In my arms...
Who I will never hold again...

Just like you...

But never

Letter to Kairi Alina McGowan 1/9/14

Pencil Drawing of Kairi (Gift to her Daddy)
My Sweet Angel

     I've been trying so hard.... to make myself closed off from feeling anything... because all I want to feel Is you... In my arms
Where you belong
     Instead I feel cold inside... my womb is just another empty chamber inside this body that has become my tomb...
     It's sad sometimes... how people don't seem to see the rage, the anger and the pain inside me... behind my eyes... this decimation that has become my world... this body nothing but a torture chamber without your sweet weight on me... in me...
     I keep trying to remember you alive in my arms... like the first night I had you home from the hospital... how your Daddy loved to hold you! He held you so tenderly, so gently in his work roughened hands... I will never forget that night... how we both had to fight to sleep because we didn't want to take our eyes off of you... how I couldn't let you lay in your crib so I laid you on my chest...
For the first time...
Memorial Tattoo 
And felt your little body burrow
Into my breast,
To find your sweet spot... the spot that for the first few weeks of your life, you slept so sweetly... because I was afraid to put you down. The reason Mommy got the tattoo done by our friends Charlie & Carrie Bloss (who did such a good job in honor of your memory... Thank you so much Charlie & Carrie!!!) Jason, and I are the only ones who have this tattoo, and the only ones who ever will.  It was placed right on the same spot your little head would rest on me when we laid together at night.... Right above my left breast, where I could bend down and smell the sweet scent of your hair.  This gift was one of the sweetest we were given in your memory.... This footprint was taken from your birth ID card... it was done perfectly... and I am honored to have this beautiful memorial forever on my skin...

Big Sister Jillian & Baby Kairi
     Kairi... do you know that your Daddy and I almost named you Kaileigh?  When I told your big sister Jillian she scrunched up her nose at me and said "come on Mommy, there are way too many of those... I think you should name her Kairi... It means Ocean in Japanese"
And that was it...
Your big sis gave you your name...
Momma with her Sweet Angels
Your sister would come see you and the minute she walked into the house she would put her arms out and tell me, "gimme gimme gimme." How the first time she held you she fell in love with you too, and you two were so sweet together!!!
Mommy & Irelynd @ 1 Month Old
You also have another big sister... but circumstances being what they are, you were never able to meet her... and she was never told about you... Her name is Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and it's almost scary how much the two of you look alike! Irelynd's Daddy and I agreed that when Irelynd is a little older and is able to understand... I will be able to see her again, and when that day comes, I will make sure she knows she was a big sister and that she her beautiful baby sister is now her Guardian Angel in heaven that watches over her and loves her even though they never got to meet.

Mommy & Kairi @ 1 Month Old

     I can't express how much I miss you baby... Sometimes I think that losing you was the last crack my heart could handle... but life seems to be throwing more stones at my glass house... and the walls are shattering around me.
     I feel very lost without you.  I can't sleep without having nightmares of losing you again and again... so I find that I avoid sleep... until I can't stay awake and pass out from exhaustion.  I am trying so so hard to remember only the good memories...
Kairi Excited to See Her Daddy
     Like how we'd take a blanket and go lay on the lawn in the shade and you would watch the clouds with Momma.  How excited you'd get when we heard you Daddy pull in the yard
    How you named your little stuffed Chihuahua "agee".. and every time I'd change your little hiney you'd stare at "agee" and talk to him... How Daddy would help give you a bath but after he made me be the "bad guy" and put lotion on you and dress you in your little nightgown... oh you hated being naked!!!, and as soon as you were dressed and dry, he'd come take you and sit with you and snuggle you until bedtime.
     There is nothing I have found that helps me with this pain besides being able to talk with your Daddy... but he no longer wants me in his life... I have excepted the fact that everyone I love is probably better off without me in their lives right now.  And knowing that I can't see Irelynd yet... and Jilly is having a hard time seeing me since you've been gone..... and knowing that no matter what I do... How hard I pray.... How much I hurt and bleed and tear my heart apart... I will never hold you again.... I will never have back the peace, the sense of FINALLY being where I belonged... In a home, with our little family... Daddy, Mommy, and Kairi... Sir William, Lady Molly, and Sir Liam the Fearless...  I have lost you all... and now I have never felt this empty and cold inside...
Sir William & Sir Liam the Fearless 
Lady Molly

Our First Family Picture
I don't know how I could have survived if it weren't for your sweet Aunt Connie. Oh Kairi, how she loved you so!!! She was there every step of the way for you and Momma... She was there almost every day you were growing inside me... She was there through every false alarm... She waited and dreamed and loved you before she ever met you. She was the one that stayed by Momma's side as she fought to push you out and into our arms, and she was there when you were born... when they put you on my belly and we got to see you finally for the first time... with tears in her eyes and snapping pictures... she was there with us and she was aching to finally be able to hold her sweet new niece.
The First Picture of Kairi taken by her Sweet Aunt Connie
Kairi at 5 minutes old.. Picture taken by Aunt Connie
Your Aunt Connie and Momma Cindy (Dramma to you baby) have given me more love and more hope that I don't have to do this alone... Without a family to call my own... In my darkest moment... I found a family of my own that embraced us and showed me more love, more acceptance than I'd ever been given.

Momma Cindy (Dramma)
Aunt Connie & Kairi

Rii loving Aunt Connie's Chest 

Kairi Alina McGowan's First Big Smile!!! Sweet Sweet Angel!!!
 The night I lost what was left of the life I'd had with you and your Daddy... when I was ready to end my life... to fall away... they wouldn't let me... and the night that Daddy put me out of his life, your Aunt Connie and your Dramma came and gave me a new life... a new home... for you and me... They gave me a place to heal and a family that accepts me and truly loves me for who I am... faults and all... something no one has ever truly done...
Mommy & Sweet Angel Kairi
I have lost my sweet Kairi... I can't hold her anymore, nor can I feel her in my arms or hear her baby babble talk... I have lost everything... and in that moment, I was given one of the greatest gifts I'd ever been given... A family that truly loves me, the grieving me... the crazy me... the girl who's truly fucked up everything she's ever done and is still alive and breathing for some reason that I can't even fathom at the present time..
Kairi's Hospital Pictures taken at 1 day old!

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

My Name... 1/8/14

My name is not
Nor is it
My name is said
In dark corners
Because God forbid
You admit to them all
That you know
That whore
That bitch you
Call in the dark of
When you need release
But where are you
Any of you
When I need to heal
When I need more
Than a furious fuck
When I need someone
To help me heal
Instead of bend me over
And take out your rage
On the body
Of a woman
Without a name

Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Too Much 1/7/14

I think about you
Wonder how you're doing
Wonder if you ever think about me

I usually begin these musing
The moment I try
And fail
To fall asleep
And so here I am
One more fucking night
Trying to find a way
To pass the hours
In between life and
The stale death
I've allowed
Into my soul

Without you

So I do
I sit here and I wonder
Am I ever on your mind
The way you blaze through mine
Do you ever toss and turn
And miss waking up
On my chest
The way your little
Body would fit perfectly
In my arms
The sweet spot
Behind your ears
I would kiss and
I'd inhale the sweet
Infant sent of you
As you snuggle into me
Until that morning

When I guess I'd loved you
Too much to keep you
Or you were needed
Too much to stay

The Fireplace... 1/7/14

The memories of you play
Like a bittersweet melody
Across the landscape of my
Morose musings...
This shell of a woman
That I have become
Is tired
So tired of being
Unable to change
That it's time to say
To fuck with your normal game
Time to get off my ass
And show you all
Just how far I can climb
After personally demonstrating how
Broken a person can get
When the ones she loved
Left her broken
It's perfectly okay that I
Can't sleep tonight
Because I see her there
In my room
Sitting on the fireplace mantle
Mocking me
Showing me just where nine months
Of love and hope has ended up
In your urn
Pictures of your beauty
Surrounding the
Piece of marble
That holds your remains
That hold my soul

Monday, January 6, 2014

Dirty Girl 1/6/14

I'm tired
Of playing this game
Of being treated
Like your dirty girl
Like you expect me to jump
And ask you how high
Like I'm only good enough
In shadow
Just because I know
How you like it
When the lights go out
Doesn't mean
I don't have needs
Of my own
I can't seem to cast off this
Fucked up
Version of who
You think I should be
In order to reconcile
Your view with
My own
So for now
I guess I don't mind
Being your dirty girl
Being the one you called
When you needed to
Let your demons out
To play
Because someday
You'll see me
For who I really am
And when you do
You'll understand
Where you fucked up...
And when you do
I won't be around
To be your dirty girl

Thursday, January 2, 2014

Letters To Kairi... 1/2/14

Happy New Year baby... I sit here wondering to myself if you like your new home... If you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know that you would be 26 weeks, almost six months old right now had you stayed here with us?  I think about that all the time... How you'd be rolling over and sitting up on your own by now... how long would your hair be? Could momma and Aunt Connie have given you little palm tree pigtails by now?
I would give anything to be able to have had those milestones with you.
I talked to your Daddy tonight and the one thing we agree on the most is that we are just as head-over-heels in love with you weather you're here to hold or our angel in heaven.  You are so loved and so cherished that it took your momma a little while to get her head back on somewhat straight... but I've decided it's time to try and put my life back together.
I still have my moments, when I hold your tiny outfits or I sit with your picture and wonder how heavy you'd be right now.  When I can almost feel your tiny, soft head burrowing into my breast... trying to find your sweet spot so you could fall asleep. You looked so angelic when you slept Kairi... That's why mommy and daddy have our tattoo's right where they are on our chests... just above our hearts... right where you would love to fall asleep... weather on momma's soft chest or daddy's fuzzy one... even when you weren't sleeping anymore that morning... when I held your little body in my arms and realized you'd left us in the night when momma wasn't looking... always our angel... always and forever...
I got some very good advice just a few days ago from someone very special... who made me see that what you see when you look down from heaven isn't what I want you to see.  I don't want you to look at me and feel like it's somehow your fault that I am still in limbo.  I want you to be proud of your mommy... and so I'm getting off this tightrope of emotions I've been walking on.  I'm going to try to make you proud of me my tiny love... I'm going to find some way to make your death matter... Raise SIDS awareness somehow... Find a community of people who have lost their angels as well... Find a way to heal this hole in me the right way for a change.
Because I want to see that sweet smile behind my eyes when I battle for sleep at night.  I want to be able to close my eyes and be with you, see you at six months old... because if I can't have you in life.... I will live for the nights I'm graced with sleep...

I will love you
Always and forever
And I will meet you
In my dreams


Until I'm Whole... 1/2/14

Falling somewhat short of reality
No way to compromise
Holding onto my impartiality
While all I do is sacrifice

There are no exceptions
In my new set of rules
Starting now with no deceptions
Breaking free from this sea of fools

I am not the woman that once I was
Trying not to be afraid
Praying these words will be
Written on my soul
Taking two steps forward today
Holding on tightly until I'm whole
Holding tightly til I'm whole...

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Epilogue 1/1/14


So it looks as if you're going to be able to finish this year out with a bang!  Getting rid of things you don't need, spring cleaning just a bit early I guess.

And I just so happen to be what you're throwing away once again.                          
Do you have any idea what that does to a person?  Making them feel like garbage, especially after everything we've been through this past year.  Two weeks before my 34th birthday, we lost our daughter, and two weeks before your 35th, you're ending the last tether to the woman who loved you just as you are, didn't try to change you or ask you to do much more than pay a bit of attention to me in the evenings after you got outta work, have dinner with me and talk out your day with me... to let me in, which you couldn't or wouldn't do.  The woman who carried your one and only child inside of her in spite of the sickness because I knew how badly you wanted to be a father, the woman that loved, cherished, and felt the same agony and despair that you did when she was taken back to heaven; and the woman who wanted nothing more than to heal with you.  I'm sure you're probably thinking that I set out to get pregnant again right after losing our angel, but you couldn't be more wrong.  I couldn't handle the absolute terror any more than you could have, so think again.  I had/have no intention of trapping you or fucking your pristine world up.  You've asked me before, "what do you want from me", and I'll tell you here... in black and white.
Jason, you gave me things that nobody else could have when we met back in September of 2012.  You gave me peace, security, and a place to heal up a bit from the road I'd been on.  Being with you was truly a God send.  I suffer from no illusions of grandeur... I am well aware it wasn't about love back then.  I'm also not pathetic or ignorant enough to believe that the reason you kept me as long as you did was for anything other than Kairi.  For some reason we were put together.  I foolishly fell in love with you... at first because of the physical end and the peace inside you gave me every time I was in your arms.  I fought it at first, tried not to do just what I did... I gave you my heart and tonight you've given back what's left after it was chewed up, spit out, and shattered upon impact.
Perhaps I deserve this Jason.  I did you wrong... I don't deny that there was an infidelity.  Someone who was telling me all the words of love that I wanted to hear from you and they were just as much bullshit as they would have been if you'd bothered saying them yourself.  I believed we'd worked things out and were moving on with our life together and we concentrated on getting ready for Kairi's birth.
The day she was born I met the Jason I'd only seen glimpses of from behind the wall you've erected around yourself... you let it down and you let her in.
And now... you've bricked yourself back up
To shield yourself from letting yourself
Feel this, heal this, with me...
And so I write our
Because you've pushed me away so fully
There's no going back
But I need to take this last chance

To thank you
To tell you that
The child you gave me
Was a miracle
And with or without you
With or without her

I'll continue to love you
For her
Because she wouldn't want to see this Jason
This disaster we've become...
Someone recently told me my child wouldn't want to look down from heaven and see her momma hurting this badly.. She wouldn't want to think she was the reason my life has become so cold...
So I'm going to do something to make it better... with or without you...
I was praying for with
And find myself without  

Worthy 1/1/14

I am not looking for perfection
I'm not looking for someone to 
Take care of me or someone
To take me into his life...
I want to make one
All my own
And share it
With someone
Worthy of my heart
Someone worthy of my love
Because I'm someone 
Who's heart has been 
Used like a whore and 
Thrown out like garbage... 
I've twisted and skewed
My idea of love
To fit into someone elses
But this time...
This time
I'm going to make damn sure
The one I give what's left of it to
Is worthy of me
Not the other way around