Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Burning 12/25/12

I can't reach inside
And cut this out of me
I can't make this right
This time I really feel 
Like I've lost my grip 
On my sanity
On my soul
I've made such a mess
Of everything I've touched
And now I'm facing the 
Reality
Of my mistakes

The world I've been fighting for
Is falling away
And I'm too sick
To chase it
If you wonder at all
Why I've started pulling away
You'll understand
When I'm gone
When I'm just a memory
You don't deserve this hell
So I lock it inside of me
Where I allow myself 
The insanity I no longer let free

It's like I'm sitting in a room 
And it's burning down around me
There are no doors
There is no escape
And I'm just waiting
For my first taste 
Of the flames

Monday, December 24, 2012

Selfish 12/24/12

I can almost feel it
This thing inside me
Can almost touch
The beating heart
Of the monster
I hide

I am being punished
For the wrong I've done
I know that now
With every breath I take
I'm moving closer
To my reckoning
To my end

And I know I deserve this
I know that I should have to
Question every move I make now
I should have to weigh the needs of
My children
Against my selfish wants

Because I want more than anything
To hold my children
To have them with me
To be there every day
To fight to be a part of
What I never should have lost

And now I know
It just can't be
Because there's someone else
Waiting for me
Someone else who can't
Be denied
Who won't be bargained with
Who won't give me more time
To do the things I must

Because death waits
For no one

So I can go and fight
I can put my children through
Hell so that I can be in their lives
But I can't say how long I have
To hold them
And they don't deserve
To know what I know
To live with this
Sentence hanging over us
Every day

So for once
I'm going to just not
Be selfish...
I'm not going to force my way in
I'm not going to put them through
Me coming and going in their lives
But I pray
Every moment
Of every day
That they will know
I'm only staying away
So as not to hurt them
Even more
Than I already have

Sunday, December 23, 2012

Impenetrable 12/22/12

You'd think that by now
I'd have learned
I'd have firmly and completely
Eradicated any need
Any yearning
I still had inside of me
To allow myself
To reach the level of
Insanity
I have reached
As of this moment
With my love
Of you

By now you'd think
I'd have learned to keep
The walls around my heart
Impenetrable
Until it withers away
From disuse and neglect
Instead of letting someone
In as far as I've already
Allowed you to get

Because you didn't declare war
The way so many others have.
You quietly and sweetly
Breached my gauntlet 
Broke gently through
All my defenses and somehow
You've reached the top of the tower
And somehow you lit a fire
And I need to come to grips
With the fact that
I gave you the damn match
That will burn me through

You wanted inside this castle
And now that you're here
I think you've found
You've gotten much much more
Than either of us
Ever bargained for
Now that you've seen me
Laid bare and defenseless
I wonder
Do you now wish
This fortress
Had remained
Impenetrable

Saturday, December 22, 2012

Beyond Reason 12/21/12

I'm so sick
Of putting my heart out there
For you assholes to chew on
I don't know who you think you are
Why you think you have any right
To take my pain
And use it for your little
He-said-she-said games

But from this moment on
I'm done with all of it
Done with all the bull shit
And innuendo you're so
Hell bent on throwing onto
My path

You think that taking things
That I have said in confidence
And using them for your own
Sick need to cause hurt or
To inflate your own sense of
Importance

You've taught me a valuable lesson though
One I thought I'd already learned
Several times in my life
No matter how close you get to someone
No matter how tight you think you are
Absolutely do not ever trust
Another soul alive with anything
Keep it in, keep it silent
No matter how big or small
The issue

But if you'd wanted
To play dirty,
You couldn't have chosen
A more worthy opponent
Because you only think
That you know me
You only think you know
The lengths I'll go to
When pushed
Beyond my reason

Friday, December 21, 2012

Mikey and Lindsey 12/20/12

There is nothing more amazing
Than finding your soul mate
Has four legs
And a spirit like no other
Friend you've ever had.

This goes out to the most
Amazing animal/soul mate...
Mikey Hampson...
Adopted from an abusive home
Injured permanently by neglect
So that this soul mate
May be deaf to the world outside
But he feels all the love and
He knows he's found
A kindred soul
In his Lindsey

But do you think that would
Have slowed him down?
When Mikey met my sweet sweet cousin
Lindsey Victoria Hampson
Who has issues of her own
That she has triumphed over
But still has to fight couragously every day
Her own battles with her health
All Mikey has to do
Is look in her eyes
Or feel through her touch
Just how much he is now loved
And he gives just as much love in return

But now we've come to a fork in the road
Poor sweet Mikey has
Leukemia
But Mikey is trying his hardest
To stay with his soul mate
For as long as he can
And he's trying so hard to let her know
What he knows in is big, brave, beautiful, heart
That soon he will be
Running beside her always
But on the other side of the veil...
That he will finally hear the sound
That he has waited his whole life
To hear
The one sound
On this earth that he has
Dreamed about
The sound of her voice
Telling him
How much she loves him
And always will

He wishes only one thing
That he could tell her
That he'll never leave her
That death can not separate
Two souls as intertwined
As the souls of
 Mikey and Lindsey
And that he'll be waiting patiently
To meet again many many years
From now
So just make sure you're ready
Because the moment you're together again
He will demand
Snuggle time

Lindsey,
   I know you don't know me very well, but I know what you're going through right now.  I lost an amazing dog that healed my heart after a lot of craziness in my life... His name is Jack and he was a gentleman through an through... The sweetest most gentle dog you'll ever meet. And I swear, for the longest time after his passing, whenever I would go outside (ugh, cuz I smoke... yuk) I would feel him run past me out the door like he always did... I know how much Mikey means to you sweetie... Just know that NO MATTER WHAT he will ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.  Hang in there kiddo.... if you ever want to talk, just drop me a line on facebook.

   Your cousin
       Bre

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Unpaid 12/20/12

I can't run
Far enough
Or fast enough
To escape
This insanity
I can't pretend it's not real
I can't will it away
I can't buy it off
Can't escape
My karma..
My penance is
Apparently
Unpaid
Until now

Waiting For The Reaper 12/20/12

I'm waiting...
Just a few more days...
And I'll know my fate
I'll know where my road
Is leading me
And I'm terrified...
I'm sick inside...
I'm just wrong,
I'm just not ready
To deal with my
Death
To deal with this
New turn
The devil has
Thrown onto my path
I'm just completely
Lost
Completely undone
By all this
Fear
I thought I'd conquered.
I thought I'd buried
But it's returned
With a vengeance
That is going to
Tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I've been
Trying so hard to
Place back together
In some semblance
Of a life.
I guess this is
God's way
Of telling me
I was never
Worthy
I was never going
To be allowed
To be normal
Never going to see
What it is to have
A life outside
My insanity
That I was never
Going to know
How good
It tastes
To really live
Because
I've received my
Death sentence
And I've just got
To wait a few
More days
To find out
How long I have
To wait for
The reaper
To welcome me
With open arms

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Sentencing... 12/19/12

And so it begins...
My sentencing...
Live
Die
Or just wander
Lost in my own head
In my own misery

I did this...
I made the choice
I never said I was an angel
I never said I could take on the world
I never claimed innocence

But now I find that
Regardless of my choices
Regardless of my actions
To rectify my mistakes
I have already set
Myself into action

And I'm just waiting
For my sentence

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Knife 12/10/12

I'm at a loss...
Not quite sure
Which end is up
And what exactly
Is bringing me down

When I fight
I find it's usually
In vain
When I let things go
I find that once again
I've lost something
Worth saving...

So where do you go
When you can't go home?
Where do you find
Peace
When you can't remember
What it tasted like
In the first place

Tired, I guess
Of waiting
For the knife
To be removed
And for the realization
That I'm the one
That put it where it lies

Bridge 12/10/12

I'm losing touch
I feel like I'm on a bridge
Halfway in between
Who I was
And where I'm supposed to be
And the fire has been lit
At both ends
And there's just nothing
Below

I'm losing my ability
To give a flying shit
About yesterday
About tomorrow
About where I'm going
Amid this madness
Slowly bleeding
From the million
Tiny wounds
Your words inflict

Contrary to popular belief
I'm not her
I'm not the selfish bitch
I used to be
I'm finding my place
Among the ashes
Of the life I've led
But my hands are so dirty
With the filth of yesterday
They'll never come clean
At least not clean enough
For you

I can't make you understand
I can't make you see
I can't force you to accept
That there are things
On the side of the road
I've traveled
That will always
Be with me
Will always stain
My soul black
Will always
Bleed me
Right along with your
Inability to trust
That I am not
That person
Not anymore

The fire has been lit...
And I'm wondering...
Which will kill me first?
The fire
The wounds
Or the abyss
I'm ready to dive into

Sunday, December 9, 2012

People... 12/9/12

Someday, I'll be able to say to myself
That I forgive me for the things I've done
I've learned my lessons harder than most
And have clawed my way out of hell
With my own bare hands

And someday,
I'll be able to look at all of you
The ones that have looked at me
And found me wanting
The ones that have used my pain
And that of my children
As weapons against me
Time and again...

And you know who you are...

I'll finally be the one
Looking down at you
Because something you've all forgotten
In your unrelenting mission to make me feel
As though I'm something less of a person
Something less than worthy
And I'll be able to turn that knife
Back on you
Tenfold...

Karma
Is a wicked
Wicked
Bitch

Friday, December 7, 2012

Devil's Dance Card 12/07/12

Sitting here wondering...
Have I really changed
As much as I believe I have
Or is this just a game I'm playing
I know I don't want to play
The game of sobriety
I want to live the life
I'm tired of waking up sick
Feeling like I can't be touched
Because my skin feels as though
It's being removed
Wanting to end my pain
With every breath I take
With every needle
I shoved in my veins

But I no longer
Go searching 
For death
Because apparently
Either God doesn't want me yet
Or he's got plans for me
And I truly have begun to believe
It's option two 
On the dial.

I don't wake up sick
I love to have my children
Pressed close to my heart 
In my arms
As tight as I can hold them

I don't invite
The devil in
Intentionally
But somehow
I know he's there
Just waiting
For me to slip
So I've decided
To keep that suitor waiting
As long and as hard as possible
Because I love this life 
The way I feel now
And the devil can just 
Hold onto that dance card
Until it withers in his hand

Thursday, December 6, 2012

At All 12/06/12

So it looks like we're killing it
The progress we've made
Together as one
Or were we ever?

In the beginning,
You brought me with you
When you went to see
Those closest to you
Making me feel I was
Beginning to become
A small part
Of your life

But you've shown me
Where your heart stands
In the past few days,
In the little things I've noticed
That at the time
Meant nothing
And now show me
Where I stand
In the scheme
Of things

I'm yours in the dark
In the moments of passion
That are becoming too much
For you to handle
I'm yours when we're alone
When no one else is looking
When there's no one there
But me to see
The side of yourself
You try to keep buried

When the light hits
I belong in the shadows
Not saying much
But seeing everything
That you would rather I didn't

So where do I take this
From this point on
Where do I tether my heart
Or do I show my heart
At all
Do I want you to know
At all
Do I want you to see
How far I'm falling
Back into this
Darkness

Pieces 12/06/12

I'm so tired
Of believing I've found it
And knowing I never will
That it's something
I'm not allowed
To know
To experience
To have given back
In return
At the same level
As my own
I'm so sick
Of giving my heart
And watching it grow
In your hands
And to watch the
Damage begin
When I find
That I'm loved
Too much
And not enough
Watching
As it falls from your hands
Because I'm too much
To handle
Too broken
To hold
Just waiting
To have it handed back
In pieces...

Proven Right.. Once Again 12/06/12

I believe I once mentioned
That I wasn't someone that likes
To play the game of love
I was looking for something
Real...
Something more than
I've had in the past

And I believed,
Until recently
That I'd found it
With you

But things are changing
And I can feel it
Deep inside,
Where I hid my
Insecurity

You tell me you're not
Able to deal with
The pregnant hormones
I am dealing with
The talk of how I feel
Is too much for you.

So I feel now
Like I'm right back
Where I began
Trying to keep my feelings
Bottled up
Instead of bothering you
With my emotions
My feeling of being loved
Too much
And not enough

I guess I've been remiss
In educating you
About all that I've been through
And what those words
Have done to my new found
Confidence
If you wanted to defeat
My ability to be open with you
You have succeeded on all counts
Thank you for proving me right

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Blow Job Bre 12/1/12

So this one is going to be a little different....
Hear me out...


I have a past
One in which I have been, seen, and done
A whole array of things
You would say are not things
That should be discussed
In polite society

But I never claimed to be polite
Never claimed to be a good girl
Never claimed to be anything more
Than what I am
Hence the content warning
You just clicked on

And I am not ashamed
These things made me
The person I am today
And helped to break
My give a shit
Years ago

But these things
DO NOT DEFINE
The person I am today
DO NOT SHAME ME
When they are brought up
And joked about

So yeah, I gave someone
A blow job
So yeah, I danced naked
And made a hell of a lot of money
Doing so

And I have changed
I am no longer that person
But she still lives inside of me
I can't erase her or make these things
Disappear

But please,
When you speak about it
To others, in front of me
Or directly behind my back
Remember this...

You're not getting complaints
About the work I did
Now are you?
So why should I be ashamed
Of the way it's spoken of?
From the way it sounds...
I blew his damn toenails off

Completely Un-? 12/1/12

I am completely
Undone
Without you
Scattering my seeds
Of discontent
Everywhere
And nowhere
Loved too much
But not enough
Completely
Un-understood
Un-yielding
In my belief
That I am
Undone
Unfinished
Un-assembled
Waiting
For completion

23 Days Til I Die 12/1/12

Just 23 more days
Until I can wake up
And claw my guts out
Knowing my children
Are happily enjoying
Their Christmas bounty
Excitedly finding the
Treasures they've
Waited all year
To discover
Smiling
Laughing
While I bleed
My heart out
Onto the floor
Miles away
From them
Once again
Locked out
Of their lives
Because of my
Selfish choice
Two years ago
When everything fell apart
And instead of fighting
I allowed my insanity
My demons
To take what was left
Of my life
And now that I'm
Healthy
Now that I've found
My way back to sanity
I'm cut out
Deservedly
From their joy
From their excitement
From every precious moment
Leading up to that day...

And you wonder why
I hate holidays...

Friday, November 30, 2012

Eviction Notice 11/30/12

I've come to realize
That I'm not her
I'm not the girl
I used to be

I don't follow
In her faltering
Footsteps
Anymore

I still have
Her nightmares
I still live
With her regrets
And her sorrows
But she no longer
Defines
The person
I am now

I've come to realize
I deserve better
And better is within reach
But her fears
Still haunt me

Her unwillingness
To deal with her past
The way she should
Instead of finding
The first
Un-calloused vein
To ride the lightning
Back into oblivion

But I'm sick of her shit
Sick of the feeling that
She's not good enough
To have happiness
Not good enough
To fight for a life
On the flip side
Of addiction and insanity

I'm sick of it
And I've decided
It's time to pack up
Her shit, her issues
And throw the bitch out

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Letter To My Rapist 28 11/29/12

It's been years
Since I woke up
An inch away
From screaming
At the memory of
What you did to me

And tonight I feel
Just like I relived
Your introduction
To depravity
To insanity

 I feel just like
You just finished
Hammering away
My innocence
Shredding my virginity
Leaving me burning
From your violence
And the alcohol
That was in your mouth

Why can't I just forget
Why can't you just take
Memories like this
And give them back
To their makers?

I didn't ask for
You to take me
The way you did
That night
All those years ago
And I don't ask you
To rob me of what
Little solace I have
In sleep

So stay the fuck
Out of my head
You're just as
Unwelcome there
As you were
The night you raped me

Antithesis 11/28/12

Tiny
This ray of light
This little ball of hope
That tries to grow in me
In spite of the darkness
I wear like a badge
On my chest

You're changing
So much in me
You're showing me
An entirely new
Definition
Of the myth
Called love

You encompass
So much of this
New person that I'm
Bringing into reality
This new me
That is the complete
Antithesis
Of all I've been
Of all I believed
I'd ever be

You've shaken my
Foundation
You've taken me and
Shown me the
Flip-side of what I
Believed of myself
And I find I'm liking
Your definition
Of this me more
Than I ever believed
Possible

Because the girl
You put your hand out to
You allowed on the back
Of your motorcycle that night
Was never meant to find
Someone as good as you
Never supposed to find
Another ounce of good
Of happy
Of light

You are
My antithesis

*Antithesis-   is a counter-proposition and denotes a direct contrast to the original proposition. In setting the opposite, an individual brings out a contrast in the meaning.  (definition from Wikipedia) 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Heartbeat 11/27/12

My brain will not shut up
I swear I feel like I'm imploding...
It's like a web of deceit I can't
Shake off...

I keep lying to myself
Telling myself I'm where
I'm supposed to be
I'm on the right path

So why do I feel
Like I'm burning
Inside
Like I'm coming
Apart at the seams...
Like all the new found
Happiness
Is just slipping through
My fingers

Like I'm always
Looking in
But never
Joining
Knowing
With every breath
I take
That I don't belong

If the devil has his way
I'd be back down in
The hole I created
In hell
Just for me
If the devil has his way
If the devil has his way

I keep trying...
But I feel like my soul
Is too late to save..
I feel the darkness
Creeping in again
And I start to fear
What the light
Will reveal

Will it show you
Just how depraved
A person I've been
How low
I've allowed myself
To fall..

Will it show you
Just what secrets
I hide
In the darkness
Of my soul...

Will it show you
The blood
Already
Pouring
Out of me
With every
Broken
Heartbeat

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Unworthy... 11/27/12 EXPLICIT

I don't think you see
Just what you do inside of me
When you come home
And you touch me
For the first time
Since you kissed me
Sweetly on the corner
Of my mouth
When you thought 
I was still sleeping 
This morning...

You don't see
What happens inside of me
When your hands
Roam my body
Like you're 
Sightlessly 
Reacquainting yourself
With every inch
Of me

And when you take me
You lead me to your bed
And you set me on fire
With every touch
When I have your 
Skin on mine
And I can feel your
Passion build
I can feel you
Breaking in
Breaking down the walls
I've erected around my 
Heart
With every movement 
You make inside of me
With every moment
I let my aching need 
For you build
You're tearing me apart
With the love we make
In that moment just before
We fall over the edge 
Of oblivion
You capture
My soul

And you don't see it
You don't look at me
Like I do
You make me feel whole
And clean
And I don't know how to
Deal with it.
Because I'm not whole
Because I'm not good 
I'm just not
What you think you see

But in that moment
When your eyes meet mine
And you fill me
You show me a world
I never imagined
And I wish I could feel
That way
All the time.... 

Like I'm not a broken
Child's toy
Laying on the floor
Beyond hope
Of redemption...

Jilly 11/27/12

I sit here
Thinking about you
All the time
Missing you
Wishing I could
Call you in
From your bedroom
Set you on my lap
In the red chair
And rock you
In my arms
Just like I used to
You may be older
But everyone
Needs to be held
Sometimes...

You've grown
Into such
An amazing
Young woman
So full of light
And so full of
Silly
I'm on the outside
Looking in
Wishing with
Every thing inside of me
That you were here
Or I was there
Or that we were anywhere
But where we are...
Apart

I miss you
So much right now
That I feel myself
Wanting so badly to just
 Scoop you up
And run like hell
But I know
The ball
Is in your court
So all I can say
Is I'm here...
I'll always be here
Ready and willing
Waiting...
To hold you
In my arms
Once again

Rambling 11/27/12

Sometimes
The reality
Of my situation
Hits me
And I find myself
Desperately searching
For a new way
To cover my mistakes
To conceal the lies
And the agony
Of knowing
Your breath on my skin
Is just a shadow away
Your eyes see me
When no one else does
You know
But you don't understand
What you're seeing
But you will...
Eventually

Saturday, November 24, 2012

Darkness 11/24/12

Do you know
What it feels like
To fear the light?
To wake up every day
And wish you could just
Shut off the bright
Shut out the happy and
Stay happy in the black
Where no one sees
Where no one knows

Coming into the light
Hurts so much
Because they see it
They all know
But refuse to acknowledge
The filth
That still covers me
Like a blanket
I can't shake off
I can't fold up and put away

So for now
I'm choosing to stay
Enclosed in darkness
Because the night
Understands me
My insanity
You don't see me bleed
In the darkness
You don't see
The self destruct button
I press just as you fall asleep

You don't see it
But I feel it
Just under my skin
Where the scars still hide
You may not see them anymore
But I feel them every day
I remember
And I've shrouded it all
In the black
In the back
Of my soul

Where my insanity
Screams like a benediction
Just waiting
For the light
To lead it out

Sometimes 11/24/12

I feel so empty
So weak
So completely
Unfilled
Just like a shell
A dried up
Empty husk
So completely unwilling
To allow more pain inside
That I've begun
Hiding from life
From the things I see
Coming
From the lessons
I learned
Along the way here
My journey is not finished
But the path is so unclear
I'm trying to find
New ways to deal
With all I am
And all I've been
Without resorting
To my usual
Escape
But sometimes
Just sometimes
When I'm alone
Like now
I remember
How it felt
To tie off
To insert that
Needle
Under my skin
Searching for a vein
Straight into oblivion
And finding it
Was heaven
And hell
All wrapped into
One great big ball
Of agony
Of sweet numbness
Of complete and utter
Devastation
One more
Hole to climb out of
One more
Hole I dug myself into
And I know
If I fall this time
There will be
No peace
No coming back
From all that I'll lose

But sometimes...
Just sometimes...

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Giving Thanks 11/22/12

So today I'm supposed to write about
All the things I'm thankful for
One thing I can think of is this
I'm thankful that I'm not
Spending today
With you
And yours
That I don't have to sit
Across from you and
Hear how no fucking good I am
To you all
I don't have to listen to your
Fake bull shit about how
Proud you supposedly are
That I've risen above my addiction
One more time
While you talk about
What a piece of shit you consider me
Directly behind my back if possible.
I'm thankful that I don't have
To play your game this year
That I don't have to make nice
So that's one thing I'm
Giving thanks for
This year

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

The Knowing 11/21/12

Ten minutes
That's all it would take
To reunite two lost souls
To bring two hearts
Back into the light
Her light
She's only ten minutes
Away from my arms
At this moment
She's only a few
Heartbeats away
And I can't reach her
I can't hold her
Something is always
Standing in the way
Almost like
They don't want us
To heal
They don't want
Us to find each other
In this mess
I've admittedly made
Perhaps this is part
Of my penance
My only solace in this
Is in the knowing...
Knowing we're standing
Under the same sky
Looking at the same stars
Hearts reaching out for
Each other
At least I know
She wanted me
She asked for me
And no matter who stands
In the way
You can't take away
The knowing

Repugnant 11/21/12

Repugnant...
That's how you make me feel
No matter how hard I try
No matter how much I change
You're able to strip
Me down to
The dirty little whore
The filthy fuck
You believe me to be

I'm so tired
Of being staked out
Naked and unwilling
To give you what you want
Unwilling
To become the
Person I used to be
Just one more time

So I'm going to put it
Like this...
The one good thing I've done
Is kill that bitch
The tramp I used to be
Gagged the gypsy
Taken the empty slut
I was then
And I'm trying
To fill her with better
Than what you've always
Believed about me

But it takes just a few words
Especially from your mouth
Just a few careless sentences
And you're able to put me
Right back
In the place
You believe
I belong

But this time
I refuse to let go
Of my hard won
Happiness
I refuse to allow
You license to
Rent space
In my head
In my heart
Tonight

W.T.F. 11/21/12

Okay, so the question today is this:
What the living fuck
Have I done
To deserve
This alienation
I know that I am
A class A fuck up
That I chewed up
All the good
In my life
And  I spit it out
And left it broken

But by God,
I'm not that girl anymore

I know I deserve to be punished
For the wrong I did to my children
But I don't deserve
To be alienated
Once again
From a holiday
One damn day
That I could spend
With my angels
One damn day
To show them that
I've changed
That I'm not the monster
I've been made out to be

Looks like another day
I can stand on the outside
And look in
At a life
That I am not
Allowed to
Achieve...
Always
Outside
Always
Alone

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Aching 11/18/12

Can someone tell me
How you stop dreaming
For something better to take place
Can you tell me
How you forget
What it's like to want
I'm so sick
Of aching
With the need
To have more than
What I deserve
I'm tired of trying
To believe
I can be better
Than this shell
Of a woman
I'm sick
Of the lump
In my throat
That grows bigger
Every god damn day
That I try to
Forget
Loved too much
But not enough

I'm too much
But not ever enough

Saturday, November 17, 2012

Is It? 11/17/12

So this is how it feels
To live
An unfulfilled life
One where
All your dreams are lies
And all you cherished is
Lost to you.

So this is how it tastes
The bitterness
Of regret
The agony
Of despair
The searing pain
Of loss
With the twist
Of the knife blade
I call love

So this is fear
Of what you can not touch
Without causing
An avalanche of
Emotion
To bury myself
Under

So this is the knowledge
That I am not worthy
Not even close
To the normalcy
Of what you and yours
Have achieved
And I never will be

So this is pain
Without the numbness
Of heroin
This is what I fought
To achieve?
This is what made sobriety
Worth it?
Is it?

Friday, November 16, 2012

Bully 11/16/12

She walks
Slowly through the night
Barefoot and beautiful but
Broken and bleeding
From a million
Tiny wounds
Inflicted by
Their careless
Words

She can look in the mirror
And see just what they all say
She used to be pretty
Before the insults
Became more than she
Could bear
Now she sees
What they all say
And it kills her
Just a little more
Every day

She used to wake and look
Forward to her day
She loved learning and she loved
The silly moments with her friends
Until the silly moments stopped
And they turned from friends
To vicious bitches
Bent on destroying someone
Better than them
Prettier than them
Someone with more going for her
Than they ever knew
But they'd see
Soon enough

She walks slowly down the tracks
Barefoot and beautiful
Covered in the blood and tears
Of those who did her wrong
They never knew
What they'd awakened
With their hate
Never imagined
She'd want revenge
Before she turned off all
The lies, all the hurt
She can see the light approaching
And all she sees
Is beauty
They can't take from her
Anymore

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Awakening 11/15/12

My love for you
Is endless
Timeless
Something that nobody
Can take from us
Something that can't be
Broken
Or ignored
A bomb
That if put in the right hands
Could ignite the epiphany
The awakening
Of so much more
So much that it could
Drown us both
In it's wake

My love for you
Is cherished
Is guarded
Is put so high up and away
From the eyes of the world
Eyes that would choose to
Tarnish the sweetness
Embitter the taste
That could make something
So priceless
Feel dirty
And I refuse to allow
Such people
Access to such beauty

You are the light
The music
In my soul

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Jason VII 11/13/12

I don't think you
Understand
What the gift
Of your love
Has done
For the shattered
Life I have lived
Until now
Until you

For the first time
I feel like I'm
A part of more
Than just my pain
More than just
My mistakes

You have opened
A new door
For me and helped me
Cross a threshold
I didn't dare to believe
Existed
In my world
Of dysfunction
From whence I came
You've shown me
How good the light
Can feel
Before you there was
Only darkness
Only the deep well
Of nothingness
I thought was where
I belonged
Until you

Until the day
You showed up
On your steel horse
And gallently
Showed me
Every day since
How to live
How to love
How to let go
And feel again

Sometimes I think
You captured
The wrong girl
And that this
Unimaginable
Taste of heaven
Will be ripped
Out from underneath
My feet
Because you are
Everything I've always
Wanted
And the one thing
I fear the most

You've shown me a life
I know
I don't deserve
But one that
Because of your love
Because of your acceptance
Because of your goodness
Because of your light
Because of your belief in me
I will fight like hell
To keep
Because until I met you
I had nothing
And no one
And fought to keep
Things that way
Until you Jason
Until you

Monday, November 12, 2012

Kari Sue Fitzgibbons/Hampson 11/11/12

I remember you
From my childhood
As all I ever aspired to be
I wanted so badly 
To grow up
And to be 
Just like you

You never failed
To make me feel
Loved
To show me
How to feel 
Beautiful
On the inside first
And foremost
Where it counted 
The most

Somehow
I lost that lesson
Along the broken road
I've called home
For so damn long
That I almost forgot
My own name
My own face
No matter how long
I stared into the mirror
Looking for sanity
Amid the complete
Insanity
Of my existence 

All that I loved
All that I once held dear
Very sweetly
Turned away
When I needed them 
The most
But you need to know
I held the memory
Of you 
In a strangle hold
And refused to let go
Of the memories
Of the moments we shared
All the while I was
Working so hard 
On losing me
Along with all hope
Of a future 
Right along with  
Everyone I loved
And lost

I swear, 
I thought I'd completely 
Destroyed
Any chance
I may have had
To have you
Come into my life again
So when the night came
That the phone rang
And your beautiful voice
Caressed my soul
With a simple "hello"
From my childhood idol
My teenage image of awesomeness
My twenty's version of a real woman
My junkie's view of what I'd never achieve
To today's fear of rejection and heartache....

Kari, you are no longer
The person I view as perfection
Because now that I'm a big girl
And I've walked this broken road alone
And learned the lessons that my life
Has desperately tried to teach me
I know now that no one is perfect... 
We all make mistakes
Even childhood idols
So I've taken you down off the 
Platform of perfection
And I've placed you in this new 
Category that I've created
Because it fits how I see you now
More than any other
So I've got you filed cousin, soul sister, 
I now have you listed 
As one of my
Saving Graces 

Sunday, November 11, 2012

Hollow Inside... 11/8/09


So tired of always waiting.
I’m yearning for something better,
Something more than I deserve.
Something more that makes me
Ache inside
So tired of always waiting…
Waiting for you to see me
Waiting for you to hear me
Hiding my screams inside
I ache inside….
Feeling like my heart
Is being crushed underneath
Your boot.
You just look at me and
Leave... again.
You don't see
You don't want to see...
I'm already dead inside.
I'm already gone.
I'm just hollow...
Empty
Knowing that you'll
Never fill me again.
You'll never ache for me
I know you're done...
So just let me go...
Tell me
Tell me it's over.
So I can move on..

It's Called Letting Go... (June of 2008)


June 1, 2008
 
Its called letting go.
It’s called moving on.
You can tell yourself a thousand times
That you have to let go of what’s hurt you in the past
And move on with today.
Live for tomorrow and all that shit…
I guess I have trouble with moving on.
I hold on to my hurts so hard sometimes
That when I finally try to let go
My fingers feel like they’ll be permanently clenched together.
I guess that’s what I’m trying to do here.
Let go of some shit and try to move on.
I just don’t know where to start.
I talked to my sister last night and I told her about the white noise.
Lately I seem to be wading through a pool of it.
Just like I jumped into the snow on the television and I’m floating.
I’m not processing anything.
I’m just letting life go on without me.
I can’t really remember when it started, but I know it’s been there for a long time.
I realized recently that I don’t hear music inside me anymore.
I don’t get joy out of it anymore.
I've been trying to tell myself that I’m not going to allow myself to be belittled anymore.
That there’s nothing worthless about me.
That I deserve to feel right inside.
I've been told that I don’t do anything right for so long now that
I don’t know what I’d do with myself if someone actually praised something I have done…
Yeah, I stopped using drugs, but hey, there really wasn't a choice there.
It was stop, loose your baby, or die. Gee, the choices….
So I stopped.
I've been clean for four years, and I know I should feel more pride in it,
But I don’t.
I really think I’m loosing the ability to feel much of anything anymore.
I’m tired of the bitterness I carry inside of myself.
I don’t want to be my mother someday.
I don’t want to blame someone else for my insecurities.
I can sit here and remember who I used to be,
The things I used to love
And how good it felt when I was younger and still comfortable inside of my own skin.
I think one of the big things I have to do is forgive Joe.
It’s one thing to say you forgive someone and actually do it.
I don’t think I've done that, because I still dwell.
I can honestly say I don’t love him anymore,
But I still live there in my head sometimes
Because the way he looked at me and made me feel inside is still inside my head.
He took away everything I liked about myself and made feel like I was wrong.
I wasn't supposed to be happy.
I wasn't supposed to enjoy the things that brought me peace.
I guess when someone knocks you down enough,
You start believing the lie because it’s so much easier
To leave all the pieces where they are
Than to pick them back up and try to glue yourself together again.
I don’t have the patience anymore to try to pick up all the old pieces of myself.
I need to find out who I am now
Instead of trying to piece someone back together
That I can never be again.

Rumors, Innuendo, & Other Such Bull Shit 11/11/12


I'm getting very tired
So very tired of all the
Rumors that float
On my breeze
Like birds in flight
Going everywhere
But nowhere.

So fucking tired
Of feeling you all
Branding me
With your white hot
Lies that wrap themselves
Around my heart
Like the magnifying glass
That I've been under for so long
Has finally set me ablaze.

So what am I today?
Fat slut?
Pill-popper?
Pincushion?
Think what you will
I've given up on caring
About anyone's opinion but
My own...

I'm just tired of dealing
With people who's lies
Drip sweetly from their lips
Like the blood from the pound
Of flesh they've taken from me.

If you've got a problem with me
Or the way I'm trying to
Live Again..
Then by all means...
Post your response after
The Beep....
...
...

Confusion.... 11/11/09

Originally written on this day 3 years ago...


I just finished reading.
Finished reading letters.
Letters from loved ones.
Loved ones that wrote to me
Almost 5 years ago.
When I locked myself away.
So I could heal.

Today's his Birthday.
I won't forget that.
We spent 10 of his birthdays
Together.
But I'll also remember
The situation that got me
Where I am today.

But in reading those letters from him
I have to say that I'm a little shaken right now.
I had someone who loved me without reservation.. without pause.
Someone who would have killed himself should I have asked for it.
And now when I'm sitting here mourning the loss of someone else,
Someone who obviously wants nothing to do with me anymore.
Who cringes when I touch him. Who refuses to try to fix all
That went wrong.

Two sides of a coin these two.
One who knew me inside and out and one who only
Pretended to want to.
One who knew how to be a man for his family
One who was too wrapped up in his own hell to
Make it right.
One who used his fists in anger at times
One who made me feel safe.
One who I had to stop loving for the
Sake of myself and my child...
One who's love I crave like I've never
Craved before.

I could go on and on.
There is honestly no
Comparison between the two,
But you know what?
I can't tell you why I can't
Stop thinking about the both of them.
I have one who I could work things out with if
I stopped living in reality
And I have the other...
Who claims to love me so much
That he hates me.

But I wouldn't trade all this pain,
For anything... I've learned so much from
All this. I know I can survive
Loosing so much.
But I'm still fucked up and floundering.
Which is what I'm used to.
But I'm tired
So tired of feeling like this

Just Another Crazy Bitch 11/11/12


Yeah, that's me alright....
Just another crazy bitch
Trying to shovel her way
Out of yet another hole
I dug myself.

Just a crazy fucking bitch.
Someone who fights
For all the wrong reasons
Unable, unwilling to find a
Cause.

Just another crazy moment.
Feels like I'm on fire.
Some of the things I've been
Told lately...

I'm not the type of girl a guy
Wants to bring home to his momma...
I'm the type you fuck and forget.
Just another crazy bitch.
That's me.

Just another crazy bitch
Whatta self esteem booster...

Veteran's Day 11/11/12 (Letter To An Unknown Soldier)

Since it's Veteran's Day...


Letter To An Unknown Soldier

Inconsequential things…
The way you laughed,
The way you’d sigh
The way you’d smile.
I’ll remember it all.
The way you’d jump to make right
Any injustice you saw.
Seemed only right
Somehow…
So off you went to fight.
You went into hell
You went into the fire
You fearlessly fought
For another man’s desire
You tried to make right,
What wasn't right from the start…

So goodbye soldier
Goodbye daddy to be
Goodbye eyes
That only saw good in me.
Goodbye shoulders
So strong
So brave
Goodbye to one more hero
Too young for the grave.
It just isn't fair
That you’ll never hold your daughter
She’ll know you only by photo’s
By my memories
And the dog tag’s
They sent back home…
Laying somewhere a million miles away
Never to look into the eyes,
So much like your own…
So much like your own.
And this is the injustice
You can’t fight at all…

Now you can’t fight at all…

Throw Down 11/11/12

I don't know why or how...
But I feel you
Waking up inside me
The beast I've been
Fighting for so damn long
I can't stand myself anymore
I can't stand being locked
Inside my head and
Left to drown
In my misery

So God damn it...
I'm going to end it
The monster that lives
Inside of my soul
Time to throw down
And see just who comes
Out alive
The beast of addiction
I know myself...
I'm better than this damn it
I'm more than the
Needles I shoved into
My veins
I'm more than
The crazy junkie
The "pill popper"
I am so much more
Than I've ever
Been given
Credit for...
 I'm more than the
Vicious opinions that
You spew at me

So damn it,
I'm done....
Time to fight this
Animal in me
And I swear...
This time,
One of us
Won't make it
Out alive

Soul Journey... 11/11/12

I had a conversation this evening
With someone I hold dear in my heart
No matter what,
No matter where,
No matter what I've done
He's been my big brother
And he has never judged
Or laid the guilt on me
Because he knows I do
It to myself
Enough for all of you
We were discussing
The topic of souls
He made some comment about
My soul and my reply
Was that I don't
Have one anymore....
His response went something
Like this....
You have a soul damn it...
You have locked it up
And thrown out the key
It's just trapped in you
Because you chose
To live your life
Numb.... Lock that soul
Inside you and kept it hidden
Because all you've been through
Has scarred you...
Heart and soul
And it was easier to
Numb out
Instead of facing
Your demons...
But the woman I see
Before me
Is trying to be whole
Trying to make a life
And live it happily,
And yet you feel that you
Don't deserve his love
That he's too good for
Someone so broken...
It's time for you to change
Time for you to unlock
The cage you've created
To house the one part of you
That makes you you...
I say, it's time....
Time to show them all...
Time to set your soul free
And see where the journey to
Self discovery will take you...

Saturday, November 10, 2012

Reckoning 1 11/10/12

I guess today's the day
The day I begin
My reckoning...
I am starting
This new chapter
In the saga I have
Survived...
I live in the land
Of regret and sorrow
I have been here for
So long...
And today I begin
The climb
To save my life
I'm clawing my way
Back out of
The hole in hell
I dug for myself
I'm tired of being
Told that
I am no good...
I'm a "pill popping whore"
Yes, I lost that war
I couldn't survive
The animal of
Addiction
But by god
I have several reasons
To be a better person
And I know I can be
Somehow...
I cling to the belief that
I will be rescued from
My insanity..
But the only one
That can save me
Is me
And I know
I'm not as strong
As I portray myself...
I am weak
I am withering
I am waiting
For my reckoning

The Line 11/10/12

So here goes...
I have something to say
To those of you
Who feel the need
To take my news
And shit on it...

I have nearly died
Six times in my life
By my own hand
And for some reason
Whoever makes the
Decisions about
Who lives
And who dies
Has decided
I'm not allowed to
End myself just yet.
I have some purpose
Still yet to stay here for
My amazingly beautiful
Wonderful, sweet
Grandmother
Sylvia A. Richards
Always said...
That everything happens
For  reason....
And that's where I am
Trying to find reason
In all this insanity
And all I want to do
Is fall apart
But because of this
New life
This new chance
To be the woman
I was meant to be
Before the drugs
And addiction
Took hold
Of my soul..
I'm lost inside
Just knowing
That maybe
Just maybe
I'll do the right thing
Just once in my life
And perhaps I can
Begin to heal
The heartache
I place like a badge
Across my chest
It's time to defeat
This monster
This animal
That lives inside of me
I have finally drawn
The line in the sand
And without a doubt
One of us
Won't make it out
Alive...
Not this time...

Forsaken 11/10/12

I love you
But I lost you
I carry you
Deep inside
I feel your pain
Like a dagger
But I can't cry

I can't let go
Of all this pain
I can't forget
The way I changed
I can't remember
The taste
Of my own
Tears

I am broken
I am lost
I have forsaken all
And been left to ask
To what is the cost

I can not be forgiven
I can not let go
I can't breathe
Life back into
All I've killed

I've let go of forever
I've finally taken hold
I'm not letting go this time
I refuse to forsake
Another life
Another soul

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Remembering 11/7/12

I remember
How your love
Used to taste
How you would look at me
And I'd melt
Into uncertainty
And the foolish belief
In forever
I remember
How much
How fiercely
I loved you
And how deeply
Your abandonment
Cut me
I remember
The first time
I put that needle
Into my vein
And felt
The sweet sting
Of the madness
Of heroin
And hate
I remember
All the moments
I should have
Been
And wasn't
And I remember
How life feels
When you're
Without
And gagging
On your need
To just fill up
Just one more time
I refuse to believe
I wasn't meant
To walk the road
I've walked
That there was no
Reason behind
The insanity
That there was
No reason
For this pain
A normal heart
Would have
Choked on
And I refuse
To believe
My journey
Has ended
Because
With or without
My demon
I'm still me
No matter how
You dress me up
No matter what you
Choose to tell yourself
That I'm better now
There is no better
There is no changing
The person I am
The person I was
But I'm a work in
Progress
And I remember
The lessons
I've learned
Along the way

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

For A Friend... 11/6/12

Holding tightly
To my last cigarette
As my hands
Shake so hard
I feel I'm coming undone
I can't feel you
I can't see you
Getting ready to flee you
But what I need
Is just to need you
And to know
You need me too

Can't let go
Of our yesterdays
Or erase the pain
I caused
But I know you
Like I know myself
And without you
I will drown

You're so much
A part of who I am
Without you
I lose all
Can't forget the agony
Of loving
Of losing
Of feeling you
Slip away daily

Sliding softly
On the razor's edge
Praying
For this uncertainty
To end
Standing stoic
Out on this ledge
Ready to fall
Ready to fight
But unable to hear
Your call


Holding tightly
To my last cigarette
As my hands
Shake so hard
I feel I'm coming undone
I can't feel you
I can't see you
The bottle, your weapon
While I slowly lay mine down
While I slowly lay it down

Heroin & Love 11/6/12

Had a very intense talk last night
Concerning addiction
And love
And how people on the outside
Don't understand the difference
Between us
And them

So this one is for you
The ones that feel like
We've just given up on
All that we love
So that we can chase
Our demons

The words that were spoken
To me last night were
Said perfectly
It's not that we don't have
The ability to love others
We just can't love ourselves

I know that when I allow myself
I love fiercely
Without reservation
I love just like you do
And heroin doesn't kill that love

What you don't understand
Is that the heroin is there
To kill me
To end the pain
Of knowing
All I feel
All I dream
All I want to be
Will never change
The endless ache
Burning away
Inside this shell of a woman
Who isn't whole enough
To love or forgive herself

Monday, November 5, 2012

Holy War 11/5/12

If you have been "saved"
You probably shouldn't read on...

I have no use
For you
I have tried
Time and again
To let you in
I've begged for your
Forgotten mercy
But all I've felt
Is empty
Unclean
Unworthy
Of love
I've felt
The holy war
Inside of me
As I try to
Understand
Why I wasn't
Good enough
To receive your
Grace
Your healing touch
It sounds like
A bull shit story
To me
Sounds like something
Made the fuck up
Because no matter
How many times
I've read about you
No matter how hard
I have prayed
You have left me
Bleeding
Breaking
I've been told that I
Can't ask your forgiveness
Until I learn to forgive
Myself...
So I guess
We've reached
An impasse...
Because
Forgiveness has been
Denied me
For so long
I don't remember
How it feels
I will never be forgiven
For the wrong I've done
I know that now
With every breath
I take
A blasphemy
And the weapons
You use to
Undo me
Are the sweetest
I've ever tasted

Letter to My Rapist 27 11/5/12

Even now
You have the
Innate ability
To stab me
In the gut,
But this time
Without your
Cock
Not only did
I see your face
One more time
Just yesterday
In passing
But I had you
Inadvertently
Thrown in my
Face
Along with the
Most recent
Sick fuck
Because you know
I must have deserved
What I got
You're the one
That turned me
Into a filthy little whore
And he's the one
That used me like one
But you know
I've been dealing
With the fallout from
These things for
Quite some time now
What I wasn't prepared
To deal with
Is having the
Situation it's self
Thrown at me
Like a dagger
From the lips
Of a viper
But it's just another
Little moment I will
Fold up
And pack away
Because I won't allow
Those words
To enter my mind
To wrap themselves
Around my heart
Because my heart
Is no longer mine
To abuse
It belongs to another
More worthy
Than all of us
Combined

Opinion 11/5/12

12:02am... here I am again...
Letting him enjoy sleep
Without the drama of
Me and mine
It's not so much
The things that are said
Because I could give a shit
Seriously
There only 2 opinions
That matter the absolute most
To me
In this new situation
Those of my daughters
Who are not with me
Because of a mixture of
My choices
And fate
But mainly my choices
After fate had it's way with me
For the second time
Two and a half years ago
And I own that.
I own my fuck ups
Like I own nothing else
But now that good ole fate
Has thrown me another curve,
I refuse to look at it
As something that shouldn't be
Something wicked or bad
Just because other people
Believe they know me
Because they know who I was
And who I've let them see
I allow very few
To see the real me
To see me without the walls
I've erected to save myself
And now that I'm holding another
Life in my hands
I'll be damned if I'll take
These opinions of me
And allow them to taint
This new little life...
So it's really your choice
You just don't need to be
Part of it if this is how you
Treat someone
You called friend
Until it wasn't convenient for you
To be decent
Any longer

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Pill Popper 11/4/12

Do you seriously think
That any of your opinions are
Going to hurt?
Like you're accomplishing anything?
Please... I call myself worse
On a daily fucking basis
I know what I am
What I was
And where I'm going with
That knowledge from here
Your opinion of the person
That I am now
Doesn't define
My life
If you turned the tables
And put yourself in my shoes
You'd have fallen
The first damn step
So please
Save your breath
On this pill popping
Nasty slut
Filthy fucking whore
This fat, dick sucking, dirty bitch
Or whatever else
You choose to call me
Because your
Insults aren't hurting me
Nor will they ever
The only one they're hurting
Is someone we both love
Someone I know I'm trying to
Be more for
More than your
Opinion will ever achieve

But I'll fight my own battles
So keep it coming
And we'll see
Just how far
Your insults
Get you

Saturday, November 3, 2012

For Us 11/3/12

Is this what it feels like to be happy?
I swear, I know I don't deserve to have 
This life, this man, this gift
But I refuse to allow
My past to get in the way
Of this new journey
This path I'm on
That's finally broken through
The wilderness and into
The world at large
I've always walked alone
But with him beside me
I'm no longer afraid
To face my demons
To look my mistakes
In the eye and 
Rectify what I can
Reconcile my fuck ups
And finally be able 
To measure out
The distance between 
The addict, the junkie 
That will always live 
Just under the skin
And the woman
I want to be 
For him
For us

Friday, November 2, 2012

Thanks to J.D. 11/2/12

I'm going to take a step back for just a moment....

When I was in high school,
In Mr Pangburns social studies class
He'd always have a quote on the blackboard
The one I remember the most is this:

"The difference between a helping hand and an outstretched Palm is a simple twist of the wrist." Lawrence Leamer, King of the Night

It's been more years than I care to recall
Since I first read those words
Written in chalk
But etched into my mind
Because as the years have passed,
I've learned first hand
What it means to have someone
Kick you when you're down
To lie sweetly to your face and
Turn into a fucking viper
In the next breath
But every now and again,
You get surprised
By the last person
You'd expect
To reach out
And try to help you
Make it back home
I guess that's where my thanks lay
This afternoon I was surprised
And flattered
That all the while I was
Sitting in the gutter
I did have someone
I can call family
That would have at least
Reached out a helping hand
Instead of following the crowd
And turning his back.
And walking away
Knowing that
Starts another flame
That I can add
To the inferno
That I've started
I'm burning my way
Back to me
And your acceptance
Is now part of that flame
That will guide me home
Should I falter

So thank you
Again, and again
Thank you
You're an amazing person
You have always been
A kindred spirit...
But now you're part
Of the beacon
That lights my way
On my journey
To find the me
I ache to be

Jason VI 11/2/12

Staring at the blank white paper
Thinking to myself
What can I say here
That's going to make
Sense in this madness
All I know is that I'm 
Falling so deeply
In love with the man 
You are... 
Without trying, 
You're just you
To me, you are
The embodiment 
Of what a real man
Is supposed to be
You're a rare breed 
It's taken me thirty three
Years to meet someone 
That can simply leave me
Speechless 
In wonder at the 
Fact you have something
That I've never encountered
In a man
You have morals
You have strength of character 
You know who you are and
You're not hiding an asshole
Behind closed doors...
You are just what you
Portray yourself as
You're you
And I'm honored
To call you mine

The Reaping 11/2/12

Just close your eyes tightly
Hold on for the ride
Just one drop of poison
It's too late to realize

Sinking into madness
While the light is fading fast
The quicksand of this disease
My fight isn't strong enough to last

Because I'm falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Falling into this nightmare
Where I can either fight
Or beg this demon
To help me drown

It's like I'm screaming
In the middle of a crowd
No one sees me,
No one hears me
It makes this rage inside
Compound

I'm at the bottom of the hole in hell
I dug, I made all on my own
But the light is blinding
From what I've reaped,
Will now be sown...

Because I'm falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Falling into this nightmare
Where I can either fight
Or beg this demon
To help me drown

It's sink or swim this time
Just me and the broken road
It's time to claw my way back out
Time to find my way back home

Because I've fallen down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
With the echos of the past
Ringing all around
Bleeding
Screaming
But finding me
Inside the sound

Letter To GOD 11/2/12

Dear GOD,

Yeah, it's me... I'm coming to you tonight because I'm so lost I can't contain myself anymore... I have a few things I'd like to say to you, some things that I need answers for...
So you know that most of the time I hate you.  I disavow your existence and I rage... Just rage at the way things have turned out.  I've been told time and again to "give it to GOD", so here... it's all yours.
Why did you allow those two assholes to rape me?  Can you give me an answer to that question?  Can you rightfully say that in this instance it made me a stronger person?  Because I all I have learned from that experience is that you must have been busy that night somewhere else, so it must not have been important enough for you to take notice. That was the night it started.  The night I stopped giving a shit about me... because the me I lived with after that was nothing close to human.  But I guess that was okay? Seriously?
I can look back on the things I've done and account for my actions and admit the wrong I've done... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T YOU?  Why can't you get off your ass and show me something that will allow me to have faith like other people do?  I have no peace in my soul or in my head.  I allow hate to eat me alive every fucking day because I can't love the me I am.  I seriously think I'm still laying face down, ripped apart and left like garbage and this life is all just a fucked up nightmare designed by the devil.
So I'm asking, no, pleading for you to just show me something to help me believe in you... Something that will help me learn to heal.  I can't continue the way I've been going... just throwing all my demons in the back seat and telling them to shut the fuck up because I want to turn the car around... I'm faltering here and I need help...
So I'm asking
I'm begging
For redemption
Because the devil is a slippery motherfucker and he's trying to break down the wall I've put up around my willpower.  I know it's coming.
Please intervene
Before I find myself back in the labyrinth without a flashlight
And without a prayer of making it out alive again.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

To My Father... 11/1/12

Once upon a time
There was a little girl
Who loved her daddy
Who was innocent
In the eyes of the world
She'd wait until he came home
And they would have a moment
All of their own
She'd untie his shoes
Take his socks off
And rub his feet
Because it was a moment
Of their own
And no one but
Fate could take that away
From them
Time passed,
As did the heartache
Of abandonment
He left for a new life
And she died a little inside
For the first time
She felt the taste
Of hate,
Of rage
Because no one was there
The night she came home
Bleeding and broken
Violated
Raped
No one saw the cracks
In her armor
The cracks that
Eventually broke her
No one heard
The screaming of her
Soul as it ran down
The shower drain
As she tried to wash
Away the memory
Of her violation

Daddy was far away then
Living his new life
With his new wife
With his new children
New and better than what
He left behind
And years passed
Many years that took her
So far into the darkness
She feared the light
Until the day she gave up
Until the day she hit
Rock bottom
And she placed a call
To the daddy she
Thought would help her
Remember
What it felt like
To be loved

And he saved her...
He brought her into
His new life
And helped her find
The broken road home
It took her years
That felt like decades
Of despair
Of revelation
He showed her
What her innocence
Once looked like
He helped her
Start to fight
Her demon of
Addiction
He showed her
Laughter
And love
And acceptance
In spite of
The years gone by
The pain and despair
Melted away
In that moment
That as an adult
She would sit
At the foot of his bed
Take off his shoes
Remove his socks
And rub his feet
And share the laughter
And "the silly"
That only he brings into
Her life...

I miss you tonight Dad...
I pray that you're okay
I love you so much

Undertow 11/1/12

It's strange
How happy you seem
How deeply this cuts
Because I know what's coming
What I'll have to deal with
The fall out from my
Latest fuck-up
You don't see it
Because you haven't 
Tried crossing this bridge
Knowing damn well 
The insanity that waits on 
The other side
I'll give 
As much as I can
To see this through
Just please, 
Don't expect more
Than what I can give
I can't change the past
I can't make others accept
Me and the situation
Anymore than I can 
Divert the tide
But I'll damn well try
I just hope 
I don't drown
In the undertow

Strong 11/1/12

Thoughts are my enemies
Crazy ramblings that
If I allow it
Will chew a hole
Straight through me
I'm fighting with
Myself today
Fighting with what I know
To be right
And the knowledge
That I'm just not
Right
Nor will I be able
To allow this to become
Something real
If I just make believe
This isn't really happening
That I didn't throw myself
Yet another hurdle
To fall over
That I didn't just
Introduce myself to
Someone else
That I can fuck up
Someone else I can
Hurt
I'm so tired of hurting
Everyone and everything
I love
Everyone
I touch
I'm just so damn tired
That this bullet
Is looking a whole lot better
Than any other option
I presently have
How strong do you think
I really am

Deserved 11/1/12

I just want to sleep
To forget that I'm alive
Forget that I still breathe
Today is just me here with me
And my company sucks
Especially today
If there was a way
I'd run so far and so fast
Away from me
I can't put this together
In any way that makes sense
I'm so tired
I want to find a way
To step outside of myself
So that maybe I can put
This new shit
Into some kind of order
Because it just doesn't make sense
It just doesn't make any kind
Of order in my chaos
I do not deserve this
Especially this
And I deserve a lot
I can't turn my music up
Loud enough
To drown out the sound
Of the screaming
Inside my head
Inside my heart
Over something that isn't
Meant to be mine
And I know
It's just a matter of time
Before I have to account
For my sins
And let you all see
Just how far
I've let myself
Fall

Bomb 11/1/12

So I guess its bombs away
It's time to see what I'm made of
If I can handle this
I'm terrified
Of what this new turn
Will bring
Of old mistakes
Made new
I really just don't know
How to make this okay
Others will see this
As a blessing
But others don't live
In my skin
And feel things
The way I do
Don't see things
Like me
Something that starts out
So small it's almost unseen
Will become a bomb
If placed in the right hands
That will blow me
Straight back to hell

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Irony 10/31/12

Needless to say, I'm absofuckinglutely
Floored right now...
I'm just putting this down here
So that I can look back someday
And remember tonight
As the night
Fate had it's way
With me
How fucked up
Karma can be
How you look at yourself
And see only black
Til you get hit
By a ton of bricks
Right upside the head
With how much of a sense
Of irony
The universe has

Outside 10/31/12

I'm forever on the outside
Looking in
Forever looking at life
Through the looking glass
How much of this is real
And how much of this
Has been contaminated by
My inability to feel
Anything
Is there a way
To reconcile my past
With what I want for tomorrow
Is there a way to
Free myself from the
Bonds that tie me to you
I feel like I'm forever
On the outside
Looking in at a life
That I know wasn't meant
To be mine
I've cut myself to ribbons
Trying to beat back the
Darkness
But it's falling
Just like it always does
And I am failing
To make sense
Of anything
Again
Trying to hold on
To my sanity
With both hands
But I feel that slipping
Away as well
I feel like I'm
Falling away today
Like I'll never find
Something to fill
This void
Where reason
Used to reside
I'm on the outside
Looking in
At a me
I don't want to be
Filled to bursting
With bitterness
With hate
For the me
I never wanted
To see again

Craving 10/31/12

I watch you
But you never seem to see
How deeply this
Ache is embedded
In me
I crave numbness
Like I crave nothing else
Especially today
I want to forget
Everything I'm not
Everyone I've been
Everywhere I left
Pieces of me
Behind
I just want to let go
Of this agony
That burns a path
Through my soul
Sometimes
I have thoughts
That I have yet
To learn how
To turn off
Thoughts of suicide
Of how it would be
So easy to just
Let it all just end
I know I'm inherently
Evil
So sometimes I think
It would be nice
To just let the devil
Take me home
One cc at a time

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Strange 10/30/12

How strange it feels
When you find out
That maybe,
Just maybe,
Someone is listening
And all it takes
Is for you
To lose your
Mind
To lose your
Soul
To lose everyone
And everything
Several
Times
Over

Distance 10/30/12

I'm tired
I'm constantly worrying
About what you'll do
When you wake up
And see me
The way I do
I can't seem
To make you
Understand
That I'm not
For you
I'm not for
Anyone
I get so afraid
Of losing you
Of losing this
Of losing the me
I am when I'm
With you
You make me
Wish for things
I can not have
Things I didn't
Even know
I wanted
Sometimes
I sit here and scream
At the top of my lungs
And feel like
You don't hear me
Because you don't know
What goes through
My mind
Every day that
I measure out
The distance between
What I am
And what
I'll never be

Sunday, October 28, 2012

Rage 10/28/12

You don't see it
Do you?
You don't see the memory
That burns through me
With every fucking
Breath I take
The suicidal rage
That threatens to
Consume me
I know who I am
I know what I am
And regardless of how
You try to sugar coat it
No matter what you tell yourself
To make yourself see me as
Somehow better than what I am
It all comes back to this:
I am not good
I am not whole
I am not someone
You want coming for
Sunday dinner
To taint your loved ones
With my filth
My personal brand of
Depravity...
You don't see me
For the filthy bitch
I have told myself
Time and time again
That I am
I don't play the nice girl
The good girl
I may be clean,
But I'm not clean
I'll never be cleansed
Of my rage
That burns inside me
An inferno of hatred
That consumes everything
Good that enters my life
I know you'll leave me too
Just like all the rest
I'll burn the good out of you
Just like I incinerated my own
The first time I felt
The sweet sting
Of a needle full
Of heroin
I may be clean
But I'm not clean enough
Not good enough
Not enough
For you
For anyone
And knowing
That I can never give
Or be what you need
Is what feeds it
The monster that grows
Hungrier every damn day
That my rational side spends
Wishing that I could be more
That we could be more
I'll never be
Anything more
Than this walking disease
This junkie fuck that
Craves you
Just as much
If not more
Than enough
Heroin
To end my
Rage

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 26 10/27/12

I've had my moments with you
Running through my head like you're
In a fucking marathon
Giving it all you're worth
But I'm ready to knee-cap you
Because today's race
Has been called
On account of death
On account of me
On account of my
Recent revelation
That you're not
Going to win this one
I'm tired of letting you
Play with me
Get me to the point of
Giving up
Giving in
I refuse to let you
Keep me in bondage
Even though the thought
Probably puts a rod in your shorts,
I refuse to let you continue
To fuck me
To fuck with me
So get over yourself...
I'm waiting at the finish line
And I've got a little something
I've saved just for you
I'll swing that hammer down
So fast, so hard
You won't see me coming

At The End (for J.J.) 10/27/12

I'm so damn frustrated right now
And god fucking damn it
I'm angry as fuck at you
Damn it, had you only told me
Had you only admitted the truth
About how much you were suffering
I would have done anything that I could have
To have been there for you
At the end

I miss you
So fucking much at times
And then there are days like today
When I speak to your daughter
And feel your loss
Just like it's new
How much those children suffer
How much we all wish we could have
Been there with you
But you took that chance from us
When you chose to be alone
Instead of let us in
At the end

Even though I am angry
Even through the pain
I know you'll be there waiting
At the end

Resolve 10/27/12

So did you just pop up
To mess with me?
Did you decide that
Today's the day to
Introduce the one thing
I know I can't have
You know me inside
You know what I go through
You happen to live
The same hell
You've fought the same
Demons

But this time
I've come out screaming
On the other side
And I'll be damned
All over again
If I let my resolve slip

The Fire 10/27/12

There's a fire
Deep inside of me
Where I live
Where I allow myself
To burn
Where I give my
Hatred license
To wreak havoc
On my newly found
Serenity
On the peace I've
Only ever dreamed of
It's within my grasp
And this demon
Won't let me out
And I question who
What I'll be
If I do let it go
This fire makes me
The evil cunt
I know myself
To be
You're part of
My fire
You set me ablaze
With just a word
Just a hello
Just an off-hand
Reminder
Of all I was
And all I'll
Never be again

Friday, October 26, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 25 10/25/12

So I'm writing this one
In response to your earlier post
That you'd hurt anyone
Who messed with your daughter...
May I just begin with...
You have no clue motherfucker...
You have no clue
How much that statement
Is going to haunt you
In the days to come...

Because she follows this blog
Because you sure weren't thinking
That I was someone's daughter
When you ripped me apart
Cancer already took your buddy
Your partner in crime
So you get to be the proud
Owner of
My revenge....

So it's begun...
She'll have questions
I wouldn't ask for less...
She knows you have a buddy
That you lost to cancer
Just a few years back
She's old enough to remember...
And I really hope she does...

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 24 10/25/12

This one will be
Short
Maybe not so sweet
But definitely to the point
Maybe a little more
To the point
Than you'll like...
I'm thinking
Not so much about you
Than about me
And the horror
That I feel
When I think
About what I would like
To do to you
You deserve every nasty thing
I can come up with...
That's not the problem
The problem is that you're
A cancer in me
Eating away at my
Give a shit
And pretty soon
I won't have any left at all...

Wait...
Just remembered that
I really don't give a shit

Karma Cafe... 10/25/12

Wanna fucking talk karma???
Let's roll bitch
I'm so tired of people like you
Who have no fucking idea
What you're talking about

Take it from the junkie/slut
That you had sooo much to
Talk about a few weeks ago
That has been talked about
By your little garden gnome
Looking motherfucker
And then tell me
About fucking karma

Karma is a bitch,
Now isn't it...
But so am I asshole
Sucks when the shoe's
On the other foot
Now doesn't it...
Just keep talking...
Both of you

Waking Nightmare 10/25/12

Since Halloween is soon upon us...

Tripping
Falling
Into a nightmare
Or so it seems
Where you wear
Track marks
Over every vein
Even though they've
Already healed
You know they're there
Even over your heart
Or what's left of it
Being hunted by dealers
You know would kill you
If given the chance
Running like hell
From the addiction
That's got it's nails
Buried in your flesh
So deep there is no escape
Being judged
By those who's faces
Haunt you daily
Because you played
A big part
In their untimely demise
This is my nightmare
But mine doesn't come
When I sleep...

The "Gift" 10/25/12

Sometimes
I feel things
Deep down in my core
And I know it comes
From somewhere outside of me
Sometimes
I see things
Others don't
I see some pretty
Nasty shit
At times
Sometimes
I use this
So called "gift"
To help others
So why
At the times
That I needed it
The absolute most
Did it fail me
Why does it
Always seem
To fail me
When it comes
To my own life
My own situations
Where it would have
Damn well
Come in handy
For something
Most people
Call a "gift"
I don't seem to
Be able to use it
On myself
And trust me,
The return policy
Sucks

Potency 10/25/12

There is no better
Or more potent
Drug
Than you
It takes just a look
Just that certain look
In your eyes
And you set me
On fire
Burning me
With the liquid heat
Of your love
Your lips touch mine
And I can't control myself
I don't want to
You do things to me
That I can't begin
To describe
I crave you
Worse than I ever
Craved heroin
I hope you know
I've finally decided
That you're the one
Damn drug
I refuse to
Withdraw from

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Hope 10/24/12

Hope
A foreign word
To people like me
People who know the
Flip side of hope...
Despair
Fury
Rage that chews on your insides
Like a beast you can't set free
It sets you on fire
An inferno the likes of which
Seem to be atomic at times

Hope
Something few people truly know
Nothing like some silly
Hope I can get this or
Hope I can afford that....
Hope...
Like a minuscule
Ray of light
That burns your eyes
When you finally start looking up
From the bottom of the hole in hell
You built  yourself
And you get the nerve
To start clawing your way
Toward it...

I know hope...
I know it's a living thing
Something that puts out the fire
And gives you the strength to stand
When all you want to do
Is let go
I know hope...
And I pray
You find it
Along with me

Letter to My Rapist 23 10/24/12

You know what?
Go fuck yourself today
I'm really just not into
Fighting with myself
About all the crazy shit
That runs through my head
Concerning my need
To avenge this wrong
To exact my revenge...

Today really marks a moment for me
Because just for today
I refuse to allow you
To rent space in my head
You already occupied enough
Of my spaces...
Tonight you can't have
The place I save for him
The man who fills me
With his goodness
Who I spent the day with
Sick with a damn cold
He shows me
What a man is supposed to be
You only showed me nightmares
And now...
Now I'm beginning to believe
Because of him
His absolute acceptance
Of the fucked up bitch I am
He makes me believe again...
I do deserve better
Then the hell I've survived
Partially intact perhaps...
But still alive
Still aware
Still fighting

Wanting 10/24/12

One thing I'm hoping you'll take away
From reading what I'm about to write here
Is that sex is an ageless thing
It's nice... don't get me wrong
But it's not everything.
That moment of release comes and is gone
So damn fast that you wonder why you
Even bothered to hook up in the first place.
I've had indiscriminate sex
Lots of it
I've worked as a "lingere model"
Which is a nice way of saying
I was a stripper without a pole...
But I've also worked the pole in my day
I'm not ashamed of these things
And perhaps I'm jaded somewhat from
My time in the above said positions
Men look at women like me and see
An easy lay
That's fine... see me that way
But you'll find there's nothing "easy"
About this old whore
But I feel the need to impart some of my
Worldly wisdom
The first thing I'll impart is this
There is really no such thing
Sex without attachments
Because every time you lay down
With someone...
You give away a part of you
And there is something you'll come
To learn about the way the mind of a
Woman works when it comes to sex
It's an ageless concept
We want the dream...
The fairy tale that we were spoon fed
As little girls...
We want someone to love us whole-heartedly
Unabashedly
I've lived my life and done a whole lot
That I'm not proud of
But there's one lesson I've picked up
Along the road
Wanting is not enough
Sex doesn't fill the void
Sex doesn't heal
Sex is a weapon
Wielded in the moment
But the scars don't fade
And now that I know
What it is to really "make love"
There is no going back
Because I've got enough scars
To last a lifetime

Jason V 10/24/12

You know me and music
That I allow it to take me places
Usually places that allow my rage
To be freed

But tonight I'm stuck on one
Particular song...
That I never thought would
Fit someone like me.

"I am beautiful with you
Even in the darkest part of me
I am beautiful with you
Make me feel the way it's supposed to be
You're here with me
You show me this and I believe
That I am beautiful with you"

It fits how you make me feel so well
You take my darkness and siphon it out
Until there's nothing left there
But me and you

You have broken down all my defenses
You have breached my walls and left me
Full of your light...
A love like I've never felt that I deserved

I'm covered in scars
My arms are ripped apart
From the damage my darkness did
From the self-inflicted pain of my past

But I do...
I feel beautiful with you

(Song is Beautiful With You by Halestorm)

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Letter to My Rapist 22 10/23/12

Just sitting here thinking...
I really have nothing new 
To say to you today...
Nothing that will change
What is... 
Nothing that will make
Me feel better about myself 
So here is what I will say...
I don't really think I hate you
Not as much as I used to
Because thoughts of that night
Used to burn so brightly in my mind
And now, it's just a memory...
Something I try very hard
Not to think about
But it never goes away
I think of you
And I immediately
Want to run to the nearest shower
And wash away the memory of 
How you felt inside of me
How badly you hurt me
Becomes almost real once more
And I feel spoiled
All over again
And I just 
Want you out
Of my head
I just want you
Out

But I guess you'll never really be
Because even on a day like today,
When I don't have to have you on my mind
Thoughts of you show up unannounced and 
Undo me
Not the way it used to,
But close enough
To feel like 
You rape me again
Every fucking day
And I've become such a 
Bloodthirsty bitch
That I'm ready
I'm primed
For my revenge

Definitions 10/23/12

This one goes out to those of you that truly believe you know what the fuck you're talking about...
(all definitions come from Websters Online Dictionary)

addiction - 
being abnormally tolerant to and dependent on something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming (especially alcohol or narcotic drugs)

Yes, I'm an addict... I know addiction better than most
So you
Who think you know what it is to suffer
The pain and self effacing 
Indignity of what we suffer
Please... if you really believe you understand...
I've got a pill or twelve for you....

Suffering -

n. 1. The bearing of pain, inconvenience, or loss; pain endured; distress, loss, or injury incurred; as, sufferings by pain or sorrow; sufferings by want or by wrongs.
a.   1. Being in pain or grief; having loss, injury, distress, etc.

I'm sure there are quite a few of you 
That understand suffering
That know what it is to hurt
To know everything you touch
Will fail or die by your own hand
Wishing you had the courage
To end you yourself
But knowing you lack the strength of will
I know these things as well
I've lived them the same as you... 
Perhaps not exactly, 
But if I can relate to your pain
How can you dis-regard mine

Love - A feeling of strong attachment induced by that which delights or commands admiration; preĆ«minent kindness or devotion to another; affection; tenderness; as, the love of brothers and sisters.


I've loved a lot of things
Up until now
I loved being high
Loved letting go of everything
And I loved the pain
That allowed me to get this way
Caressed it just like a lover
But love has taken me
On a new course
One I never saw coming

I love the new me
Regardless of your mouth
Your opinion
I love the new me
So if you can't make yourself 
Forget that you knew me
Make yourself scarce...
For your own safety
Because your opinions 
Don't define
The woman I am today
In spite of you