Jillian 10/5/16

I would do anything
To show you
How much I miss you
And how badly I want
To find some common ground
On which to stand beside you.

I would give anything
To have been the mother
You deserved
I know why you despise me
Why you don't want to
Allow me to be a part of
Your life now...
And I don't blame you...
The only thing I was ever
Truly good at
Is fucking everything up
So now
My hope hangs
On the possibility of
Someday...
Someday maybe...
Someday you'll be able to
Look at me
And no longer
Find me wanting
I know I can never
Make it right...
But I would give my life
For the opportunity
To try...

Until then
My heart resides
Where it always has

With you

Cycles 9/20/16

I find myself 

Coming back around 

Defining insanity

Daily

Repeating old

Mistakes 

Until I'm 

Maddened

By the 

Same old

Cycles 

Taking me 

Around 

The roller coaster 

Again

Praying with each

Loop

That I 

Derail 

Changes 8/4/16

It summer again...
School's out
Sun and sand
Everything is green and
All the flowers are in bloom
Kids play in the parks
And swimming in the lake
The temperature soars
Outside

And inside
I'm cold
Just waiting for
The fall to come
And sweep all this
Summer away
To bring back the rain
And the gloom

I even know
To the day
When summer died
For me
September 14th, 2013
The day we lost
My Kairi
To the uncomparable
Agony of SIDS
It really hasn't dawned on me
Until just this year
How much
Things have changed
Inside of me
With everything
I touch
And how
Cold I am
Inside
Now that
The light
Has left me

The Accident 5/20/16

I am not at fault this time
I did nothing wrong
I swerved right
When I should have gone left
And when I came to
I had lost more
Than I had ever bargained for
Because I lost you
Sitting in the wreckage
Of something once so beautiful
Something once so precious to me
While the realization hit
About the same time I hit the boulder
I've lost you
After I spent the day
Trying to do something good for you
Trying and succeeding to pull a rabbit
Out of my normally empty hat for you
And on my way to pick you up
To show you that I had accomplished
This amazing hat trick
The fates decided to test our connection
By throwing us a curve

I believe everything happens for a reason
And even in the midst of tragedy,
You learn something about yourself or others
And now I've learned a lesson about us
That I never thought I would see
I thought I had found a true friend in you
Someone who would stick with me
During the good times
As well as the bad
But now I see
What I had hoped
I never would...

Please just know
That I love you
And I am very sorry
Accidents happen
It's how we face the bad times
How we deal with the problems
And remain true to each other
That define a friendship

I guess your definition got lost in translation

Wanting 5/3/16

I am simply
And completely
Undone
Every time I think
That I gave gained
An inch
I find myself standing
Still in the broken pieces
Of the life I once
Called mine

I miss you
More than mere words
Will ever express
More than actions
Can even show
With a ferocity
That eats a hole in me
And I am undone again
Each time you took at me
And turn away

Found wanting

So I wait

Remembrance 3/10/15

Having one of those nights... I'm missing my Kairi so bad tonight... Missing the way she would yell at her little stuffed Chihuahua she dubbed "Ah-Gee"... Missing how she would snuggle against my chest as she fell asleep in my arms...  Missing how she would look up at her big sister with wonder in her eyes.... Missing how she would perk right up as soon as she heard Daddy's truck pull into the yard... Missing watching and thinking what a lucky little girl she was for having such a wonderful and devoted father... And how lucky we were to be blessed with such a sweet angel to call ours...

Just missing her.....
Remembering her sweetness
Her light
As I sit here in the dark
And pray that she is happy
Where she is....
That she doesn't have to feel
This agony
This gnawing ache
In her heart
And praying that she knows
Just how much
She was loved
Adored....
And how much
I love her still
With every breath I take
Without her in my arms

Disappointment 3/6/16

dis·ap·point·ment

disəˈpointmənt

noun

1.) The feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the non-fulfillment of one's hopes or expectations.

2.) A person, event, or thing that causes disappointment.

It seems that every time we speak
You have some small way of cutting me
To the quick
Of making me feel
Small
And normally,
I allow you to speak your piece
Tell me how no good I am
And feel like shit
For days following
The storm...

In the last conversation we had,
You decided the topic would be
How disappointed
You are
In me

How I've never lived
Up to your hopes
Your expectations
For me
And how I'm basically
Just a worthless
Bag of shit and
Broken dreams
To you...

But for once...
I decided it was time
To speak my piece...
To tell you
Just how disappointed
I am
In you...

That I have a disease
That you never bothered to
Learn anything about
And still believe I can
Shake off like a dog
Shaking off water

And when I needed you
To be my mother
When we stood in
The hospital
And we held my child's
Lifeless body
For the last time
When I needed
My Mother

The absolute most

You walked away

Again

So here we are
Sitting and wallowing
In our respective
Disappointments...
Letting them fester
Like infected wounds...
And it's getting us
Nowhere....

So I'm done
Living with this pain
I refuse to allow it
Even one more corner
To rent space in my head
If  you can't swallow your
Disappointment,
Like I've swallowed mine...
Then I guess that's your call...
I can't make you
Want to be
My Mother
Anymore
Than I can make
You want me
As your
Daughter...

But I wish you could... 

I See 3/6/16

I saw you in passing
Just the other day
And I tried
To talk with you
Laugh with you
Take joy in
How much better
You're looking
And feeling
And doing

And I tried to share
My joy with you
Because so much
Has changed
For the both
Of us...

But you looked
Right through me
Like I was some
Disease from
Your past
That you wished
You could erase
And left
In such a hurry
You'd think
I'd tried
To bring you
Back
To the hell
You crawled
Out of

Yes,..
You look wonderful
You seem to have it all
In check now
But remember
I see you
For who you were then
And who you are now
And wanted only to
Take joy in today...
And wish you the best...

Ferocity 2/23/16

I miss you
More than
Mere words
Could ever
Express

Endlessly
Forever
I will love you
And in the words
Of my father
I'll be here
Praying
That you'll
Want me
In your life
When you're
Old enough
To understand
The situation
I created that
Tore our world
To pieces....

You one way...
Your sister another...

And me
In the middle
Missing you both
With a ferocity
That brings me
To my knees

Black Sheep 2/15/16

They gather
The happy family
In celebration
Of one thing
Or another....
And they laugh,
They tell stories
Hug children
Share woe's
Filling in
The spaces
Between this
Gathering
And the last...

There's so much
That I could share
With you
I could laugh
With you
Hug the children
Fill in the spaces...
The empty places
Because it's been
So long since this
Gathering
And my last
With you

But my invitation
Must have been
Misplaced

For the past
Six years

Deathbed Confessions 2/10/16

I had a dream...
More like a nightmare
That I was laying on my
Deathbed...
And you all stood
Stoically beside me
Looking down at me
Eyes filled with
Judgement
With
Disgust
Hatred

And one by one...
You turned
And walked away
Again...

Until just one remained...
The one that turned her back first
The one who led the charge
Away from my "drama"
My "issues"
The one who made it
Okay
To throw away
A drowning loved one
When she needed her
The most...

And with a sneer
You spit on me
And pulled the plug
Yourself...

Just like you did
Six years ago...

And the crazy part...
Inside the
Insanity that is me...
My deathbed confession
Is this

I would give anything
To simply have you
Tell me
You still love me
If you even do...

Until Now... 2/9/16

It began with a look...
A passing glance
Mutual attraction
Mutual infatuation
It began just as
Normal and as
Benign as could be...

But has grown
So big...
So big...

I thought I knew
What love was
What a true relationship
Was supposed to look like...

Until I was able
To look beyond the pale
And see for myself
What I crave in my own life...

Two people
Who have literally
Walked through fire
Crawled through hell
And battled the world
To be where they are today

Two people who know
The others heart
Without a single word spoken
Who can read each other
Finish each others sentences
Be together every moment in the day
And still crave more time
In each others arms....

I thought I knew what love was

Until now...

Forgiveness Denied 1/24/16

Today
I stand two years
Clean and sober
And I ask myself

How long
Is long enough

How much more
Time has to pass
Before I'll be able
To be trusted enough
To hold you again?

I ask myself
Constantly
If I'm doing the
Right thing
By stepping back
Until I have more
Clean time
Under my belt
If waiting until
They're older and
Able to make they're
Own choices is
The right way to handle
This situation...

And I ache
From this hollowness
Inside me
Without you
In my life

It makes it so much
Harder to hold
On to hope...

But I won't let go....
Not never

I will be right here
Waiting for you
Loving you always
And holding onto
Hope