Thursday, December 31, 2015

Sister Kat 12/31/15

I had to write to you and tell you that you still have the ability to blow me away and make me BAWL every time I hear you sing.... I'd have to say that Hello would be my song for you.... Because I know you don't want to hear from me.... Don't want me anywhere near your life now...
But for some reason, I can't give up hope.... I think about you all the time... Remember all the stupid things we did as kids...
I've been on the outside looking in for some time now, and its killing me. 

So hello from the other side...
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you
Never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried...
To tell you I'm sorry,
For breaking your heart,
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't
Tear you apart

But it still eats me alive
To see what I've done
To you
To my children
To my Mother
To my family...
And I know
That sorry
Will never be

Tuesday, December 29, 2015

Kaleidoscope 4/14/16

Kaleidoscope eyes
The first and most
Amazing and wonderful
Moment of my life
Was the day you were
The day you came into
My world
And changed
Me forever

I remember that
Day like it was

That day
I woke up at
Because my
Water had
Your Mema
Had already
Known somehow
And was already
Ready to roll
Many hours passed...
Moments of such
Agony that only a
Woman can know
Were forgotten
In the space
Of a breath...
Your first...

It was in that moment....
When they laid you on my belly
While your Mema cut your
Umbilical cord
That I felt,
For the first time
The ferocity
Of love
Of a mother
For her daughter....

No matter what distance
Lies between us
Or what obstacles
Are placed in our path
I will never stop
Loving you
As I have  done
Every day of your life
And will continue to do
Every day of mine...

I dreamed of you
Last night
And it was so real
So vivid
That when I woke
It was in tears
Still reaching
For you
You were angry
You refused to give
Even an inch
And as I turned
To honor your wishes
And stay away,
You ran into
My arms
And looked straight at me
With those amazing
Kaleidoscope eyes
And told me that you
Loved me still

No matter what separates us now
Know that I will always be here

Praying that one day
This one dream
That I have left
Will come
To fruition

Monday, December 14, 2015

Spill 12/14/15

When I sit here
And think about
All the lives I've lived
All the people I tried to be
All the loved ones I've let down
And how badly I've failed....
It makes me want to take
The knife out of my
Back and use it
Up and down my
Forever empty arms
And watch the
Blood spill
Out of me
And make even more
Of a mess
Than I already

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Last Night 12/13/15

Dearest Jillian,

Last night,
I had a dream...
Of you
And me
Relived a memory
Of us
Riding down the road together
Playing our music
Smiling at each other
The day you came
To spend time with me
And have me make you a CD

And it made me remember
The morning I woke up to your
Sweet smile and your tiny hands
When you were a baby... I snagged The video camera and recorded you... To remember that morning
When I was bathed in
The love of a child for
Her mother

And I wake to find myself
In a world
Where you no longer
Have that love for me
Because of my selfish
And I finally understand
The why...

And I hate me just as much
As you do...

Anymore 12/13/15

I can't seem to
Believe in much
Can't seem to
Make  myself feel
Make my life real...
Can't seem to
Find me
In the mess
I've made
And when night
Falls around me
And the guilt and shame
That plagues me takes
Hold I find myself
Choking on the
Laughter I can
Not produce
And trying desperately
To remember
Better days
That I guard
So selfishly
Inside a heart
That I have
So thoroughly
That I don't believe it
Can be reborn.
But then again,
I don't believe in much

Thursday, December 3, 2015

Unforgivable 12/2/15

I allow myself
The unforgivable...
When I let myself
Of a world
In which
I never
Any of
You ...

And it is so
So unthinkable
That I make myself
Never to
Go to that
Place again....

Because from
Where I stand,
A world like that
Can never be
For someone
Like me

Someone the world
Has shown
One too many times
Is unlovable
Unclean and
Of such

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Belong 12/1/15

I sit here lost
Spending another night
Reacquainting myself 
With Insomnia, 
With Insanity
With this 
Burning through
My guts
Whats left 
Of my soul....
Driving the point home
Once again


It's a cold world
Out here
When you 
Find yourself
Facing a future
So cold
I fear
I'm going to 
Under the 
Unforgiving weight
Of my mistakes...
And It's getting colder
By the moment

Monday, November 2, 2015

Hole 11/2/15

There is a hole
Inside of me...
So deep
I can hear the
Of my failures
Coming back
To embrace me

There is a chasm
Of pain
That grows
Ever wider
Every day
Every hour
That passes
Since I last
Held you

I'm swimming
In the choices
I've made
Should I fight
Should I wait
Like they want
Should I put you
Through the fight...
Or wait until you're
Older and can
Make your own

I'm looking for help...
And finding only

Friday, October 30, 2015

Becoming 10/30/15

I don't think
I like
The person
I've become
Along the road
I've stumbled down
I think
I lost
My soul
Because without you...
Without any of you...
I am
Lost inside
This misery
Of my own
I've gotten so
So cold
That I almost
Who I'm

Friday, October 9, 2015

One of Those Nights 10/25/15

Having one of those nights
Where I miss a life
That no longer wants me
Missing the girl
I tried so hard to be
And failed so

Missing the life I had.
Missing my children
About as much as they
Now despise me.
Missing the woman who
Woke up smiling everyday
That I have never been

I find myself sinking
Into the madness of me...
Hoping like hell
That this time
I'll drown
Because I've successfully
Lost everyone I care about
And not one of them
Would even mourn me

Monday, October 5, 2015

How 10/5/15

How do you begin
To make amends?

How do you
Begin to heal
The pain?

I want nothing more
Than to have been
Able to be there
With you
For you
Because I know
You were scared
Even though I know
How strong you are.

I know I miss you
I know I think about you
Every single day
I know I can't stop
The tears that fall
Every time I think of you
Laying in a hospital bed
And telling them that
You didn't want me
To know
You didn't want me there.
When you went through
Something that big
Something that life altering.
Something that could have
Taken you away from me

I have lost one child
That I will never hold again
If there truly is a God
I will hold you again

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Un-Sweet 8/18/2015

My hope for you
Is that you have all
That you dream of .
That your day was special
That your life is blessed.
I know you don't want me
To have anything to do
With you
But my heart
Can't seem to
Doesn't want
To forget
That once upon a time
Sixteen years ago
I had a little girl
That I could have held
In my arms for hours
The day you came
Into my life
A beautiful little girl
With kaleidoscope eyes
Who stole my soul
In the space of a breath
You were mine and I was yours
And in that moment
We were all that mattered

I love you
And miss you
And pray daily
That someday
We can make this right

Sunday, July 5, 2015

Wraith 7/5/15

I am
Cold and
By the hand
I've been dealt
I'm unable to
Find a light
In my world of
My world of
They say that
Time would heal
This wound
But they lied
It's become a
Monster that has
Overcome and
Enveloped all my
It's become the
Agony that
Sits at the corner of
My lips
That turns my smile
Into a sneer
That makes every
Chance of joy
Die a swift and
Violent death
That takes my
Ability to hope
And kills it
I don't understand
How something so sweet
Something so beautiful
So innocent
Could take a woman
Who once believed
In second chances
And turn her
Into a wraith
A vile shrew
Who's bitterness
Has become
Her reason
To live

Sunday, May 31, 2015

Ashes 5/31/15

Sitting on a shelf
In a pretty pink 
Marble urn
Are the ashes
Of a life
The ashes of 
A miracle
I wasn't supposed
To have
A sign of hope 
That was never 
Meant to be mine
So she was called home
And all I have left
Are the ashes
The ashes 
Of all my hope
All my love
All my heart and
All my soul
Are there...
In that box

In ashes

Falling Away 7/10/15

I feel it all
Just slipping away
Like I'm standing in the rain
Trying to catch the raindrops
And I'm losing it all
Bit by bit
Feeling it all
Slipping through
My fingertips
I think I got
Too close
To having
The life
I never believe
I deserved
So close
That when it all
Fell away
I was left
Trying to hold on
To a yesterday
That no longer
Wants me

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Someday 5/11/15

Do you not see
What I see?
Can't you see
Where this path
Of hatred and
Misery ends?


She'll be able to see
All the texts
All the calls
Every attempt
That I've put forth
To simply be
A part of
Her life

She'll read
Every bit of
Every vicious
Every ounce
Of bitterness
That you've
Thrown out
Not in her defense
But to make yourself
Feel better for the
Wrongs of the past
And YOU will
End up
Choking on
The ashes
Of the destruction
You've incited

When she sees that

She will hate you for it....
Can't you see that?

Tuesday, May 5, 2015

Seven 5/5/15

She's gotten so tall
So lanky
Skinny and 
She smiles 
And the world 
Can't help 
But smile with her

She turns seven today

And no matter how many 
No matter how many
Voice messages 
I've sent
Or how much I've 
Begged and threatened 
I'm still
Not allowed
To spend it
With her
I have court backing
And still
He's kept us apart
Still puts me in this 
Story as a monster

But I don't see it that way
And from the looks of things
Neither does she

So Happy Birthday 
My Sweet Irelynd
Mommy does love you
And wish she was here
No matter what anyone
May say to the contrary

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Mommy 4/28/15

"She's my Mommy!" 
The little girl
Whispers excitedly
At first
And then repeats again
With more force
"Hi Mommy!"
I turn
And see her
Beloved face
And she runs
Into my arms
And she snuggles 
In deep
And she 
Looks at me
With those big 
Beautiful eyes 
And I know 
I know 
Because she has
Shown me 
I never thought
I'd see again....
My own sweet child
Showing me 
That I'm loved
That I'm wanted 
And I'm not giving up 
Not after tonight 

"That's my Mommy!"
"I miss you Mommy!"
"When can you come see me again?"
"Can you come tomorrow?"
"Daddy, can Mommy sit with us?"
And the look in your eyes
When you realized 
We couldn't stay

Please baby, 
I need you to know that 
I would have done
Anything you asked
Were it in my power 
To do so
But it's not up 
To just me

So tomorrow I go again
To try to be a part 
Of your world
Or perhaps
Make one of 
Our own
Where the hurt I saw
In your eyes tonight
Can't find us 

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Know How 4/25/15

I sit here wondering
What could make me 
Stop loving 
My daughters
Or stop loving 
My mother 
Or stop loving 
My sister
Or stop loving 
All the rest of the
People I once held
So close to my heart
And the answer flares
In front of me

I guess I just
Don't know how
To do it 

I wonder what could make me
Want to push them out of my life
Why they couldn't be bothered to 
Learn about my disease
Why they couldn't be bothered to 
Attend one Narc-Anon meeting
Why I wasn't as important to them
As they were to me

I guess I just 
Don't know why
They did it

I sit and remember
All the things that have happened 
That have led me to this place
And I still don't understand how 
A person can just stop 
Loving someone
That gave them life
That birthed you and raised you 
That grew up beside you
And loved you every day 
From then until forever

But I've learned love
Shouldn't come
With a set of conditions
And I wish I'd seen mine 
Before my contract was up

If there is any way to love
That isn't unconditionally 

I guess I just 
Don't know how

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Someone Like You 4/7/15

I sit listening to music
And this song comes on
One I've heard a million times
And sung my guts out to
A million and one. 
And yet...
This time...
I listened
And I remembered
And it took on new meaning. 

You see...
I've been missing you 
As of late
Missing how strong you were
When our world fell away
When we lost our angel 
You stood strong
Until you couldn't hold it in
And you did what had to be done

And I don't blame you
Not one bit
I never deserved you 
To begin with
You and Kairi were a dream
I wasn't good or clean enough
To hold
And I still grieve 
For all I had
And all I lost 
When I lost you

You've moved on 
And from all I've been privy to
You're finally happy
And I have peace knowing that. 
Because you deserve it Jason. 
You deserve a good woman 
Who will make your world complete
You deserve to be a daddy 
No matter how it came to be
Now you have that chance and 
I swear to you on our daughters name 
That I wish you all 
Nothing but the best. 

I guess this is my goodbye 
To you... 
Even though you could care less
I need it said 
I need to give it voice 
Because I need to hear it louder 
Than the irrational hope 
That we could mend our 
Fucked up fences
And someday have a friendship. 
That's all I'd ever hope for 
Because in spite of it all
You were always
A friend 
Always someone I knew 
I could trust implicitly 
The last of the true 
Good men in the world 
And it's him I miss the most 

So in the words of Adele, 
"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it... I'd hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that to me... It isn't over....

"Never mind I'll find someone like you...
I wish nothing but the best for you... Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes hurts in stay."

"Nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they're memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this could taste...."

Goodbye Jason
I wish you all the happiness
I couldn't give you
I wish that all the joy of being a father
That I was able to give you so briefly through our Kairi  
Lives on in your new angel.
And I wish you all the love I 
Tried and failed to show you 
Lives in every breath 
In your new relationship. 

Thursday, March 19, 2015

Bad Guy 3/19/15

I have always
Taken the blame
For the wrong things
I've done
I'll take the consequences
And deal with the
Of said wrongs
When I do wrong
As most tend to do
I'll tell the truth
And shame the devil

But here
In this instance
If I come clean
If I admit my part
It will hurt someone
I love
So I'll play the
Bad guy
In your
Newly white world
And I'll keep
My lips
To the truth

Because playing
The bad guy
Is a role
I know

Friday, March 13, 2015

Stasis 3/13/15

I stand here
Overthinking things...
As usual
I bring my bags back inside
I sit down with a cup of coffee
And I allow this feeling
To wash over me...

I've been stood up

Perhaps I'm letting this
Get to me more than I should
But damn it
I haven't felt this way
In a damn long time...
I haven't allowed myself
To hope
That my heart
Could come out
Of it's coma
It's stasis
I put it on the shelf
Beside my baby's ashes
And I haven't allowed
Anyone in
That wasn't already there...
And perhaps it was silly of me
To have allowed myself
The forbidden pleasure
And exquisite pain
Of hope
The childish wishing
Maybe this could be
The beginning of something
I haven't let myself want and
Probably don't deserve

To finding I didn't even
Merit a phone call

My mistake
Was allowing the wanting
To find it's way back inside
My heart
My head
My mistake
Was in making
Out of

So I sit here another night
Sucking down my cigarettes
Like I'm giving my hatred head
And allowing this
To flow back
In place of the hope

Sunday, March 1, 2015

Dear Daddy 3/1/15

Dear Daddy, 

   I know you won't ever be able to this message.  I know you've left
 this world for the wonders and mysteries that await you in the next life. 
I know you've found out just how wonderful Heaven is and I'm so happy for 
that.  I hope it's everything you had always dreamed it would be and then 
   I know that you've kept your promise to me Daddy. I know that my 
sweet Kairi is safe in your strong arms that used to pick me up and 
swing me around as a child, and I know she feels just as loved as I 
did.  I have such peace in knowing she is with you, and honestly, 
your promise is what has given me such peace of mind.  I don't 
know where I'd be right now if you hadn't given me that gift before 
you passed. 
   I have peace in my heart now thanks to you, but it doesn't stop me
from missing you.  I know that I won't ever stop wishing I had been 
more of a daughter to you.  A more dutiful daughter.  More active in 
your life.  There is so much about your life that I wasn't privy to and 
I wish I'd made more of an effort to learn more about you.
   I wish I'd made you proud
   Instead of being such a disappointment
   Being such a failure

   But you never made me feel that way.  You never made me feel like 
I wasn't a part of you, like the outcast that I'd always cast myself as.  You
had the innate ability to break right through all my defenses and reach 
deep inside me to find the child I never got to be.
   And I miss that
   Because I don't fit
   Anywhere but with you. And lately, I feel like I'm just playing the
waiting game... waiting for the time I get to join you and my Kairi, and 
sometimes... just sometimes... I want to call the game before I have to face
the outcome... but I know that if I did, I'd become the disappointment I 
always feared I already was.  I know I would finally see shame on your
beloved faces.  
   Shame I know I richly deserve
   Shame I am trying daily
   To live down
   Please know I love you, I miss you, and I pray daily that you have 
the whole family around you and that Kairi is making Heaven a brighter
place with her light that I miss so much. 
   I miss you more than words could ever ever properly say... and I love you 
more than I can physically express. 

Love Forever and Ever, 

Your "Bre-ba" 

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

In Memory of Linda Cafferillo 2/24/15

I hear the splinters form
And I begin to shatter
As I stand 
Eyes filled with sorrow
Threatening to spill over
As I learn
Of the loss
Of yet another
So dearly loved
So cruelly taken
And lost to me

But I have something of yours.... Something that even as greedy
As final
As heart wrenching as 
Can not take away 
From me

The way you would smile at me
The way your eyes
Would glow
With love and pride
When you spoke to me
Of your children 
Your grandchildren
And how they were your
Greatest achievement 
The way your hand fit
With my own
And the way 
You could make 
The whole world
Fall away
With just a word
A touch

Nobody but you
Has ever come close
To melting this ice I've 
Formed around my heart
And grows colder still
Inside my chest

Friday, February 20, 2015

Consumed 2/20/15

I sit alone
And thoughts
Consume me...
Thoughts of love
That I have decided
Just isn't for me...
Love that makes you
Burn for the touch
Of that one person
I'll never have...
I've never had...

And the echo's of the past
Return with a vengeance
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
For once in my life
Something went wrong
That was completely
Out of my hands
And yet I still believe
I am at fault
And always will be

Learning slowly
That nobody
Could have saved me
But me
And I didn't want
To be saved
By anyone
But me
But I chose the
That nobody can
But me

And I am

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

2nd Place 2/10/15

The trumpets sound
And I feel myself
Like I'm rushing
Into something
While standing
Completely still
On display
Ready for
Waiting for
Their dirty hands
To run over my
For flaws
Like a prized
At the county fair

Red ribbons
Pounded into
My flesh
Are now
Falling away
Leaving behind
The trailing blood
Left in their wake
Because I was never
Worthy of the blue
Before ever being
Given the chance
To deny
The truth
I'm not Grade A
Because I lack
The purity
To attain

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Found Wanting 1/25/15

Last night
I dreamed 
That you looked at me
And did not find me
And then I woke
To a world that 
Always will
And I find myself
By all that I
Keep silent
And all that's
To bring me
To this place
Of unrelenting
For the woman I
Could have been
Inside the animal
I've become

What Lies Beneath.... 1/25/15

You don't see
The hate
The disgust
Under my skin
Every time
I see you
Every time
I hear your name
Spoken aloud
Or feel your breath
Poised on the edge
Of every lie
You tell yourself
To keep it all
Moving forward
Toward oblivion
You don't see
My hopes die again
With every pull of the pipe
And every illusion
You look at me
And see someone
Who has made nothing
Out of something
And you applaud my
For speaking in riddle
What I should just
Shout aloud

You don't see my
At what lies

Thursday, January 22, 2015

Facebook Repeat~1/22/15

Something I saw on Facebook tonight that I felt deserved to be put up here...
I applaud the authors honesty....

I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story. I don’t care if you can’t pay the rent. I don’t care if you need groceries. I don’t care if you promised you wouldn't give me money again. I don’t care if you lie to Dad. I don’t care if you’re broke. Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, borrow the money from someone else, because if you don’t, I will STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get HIGH. You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me. You are WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to love or truth. You can CRY all you want. I don’t care. I have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I don’t play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want my DOPE. I will say what ever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and I WILL break your heart. Over and over again. I don’t have a heart any more. I have a HUNGER. It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way you’re thankful for this hunger. For when I feel it coming on, I find you, quick! Then when I've gotten what I want from you, I leave. You’re anxious without me. You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You always GIVE me something.
By now, you’re NEED is almost as great as mine.
I can’t stay SICK without you. You can’t breathe without ME.
You think you’re helping me. You believe you’re making a difference, but what you’re really helping… is my ADDICTION.
I won’t tell you this, but you know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. Me from an overdose, that you paid for, and you from a heart attack, or stroke.
You’ll wait YEARS for me to change, or see the light, and I take full advantage of this.
You keep my secrets and protect my lies. You clean up my messes and bail me out. You love me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else.
You are bitter and resentful. You hide from your friends and isolate. You HATE.
Your world revolves around one thing only… ME.
But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO and mean it? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying.
Written by:

Saturday, January 17, 2015

That Girl 1/19/15

She's the one that makes you sneer 
When you think of her
The one that you've all looked at
And found wanting
The one you created 
Some truly heinous lies about
To make yourself feel better
About your stupid choices  
But thankfully 
I'm not that girl
The one that will find out
Sooner or later 
That you rushed in 
And now want nothing more
Than to rush out
With every cry 
That isn't

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Trifecta 1/3/15

Nights like these
As the memories of
The ones I've loved
And lost
Burn through me
And I remember...

His smile...
His sexy lips that I never wanted to stop kissing
The way we ended and then began again
As something more than lovers
Like survivors of a war
Looking to the other
For solace...
And you gave me so damn much
I could say anything to you
And you understood
Like nobody else I've ever known
Until that day...
When the world lost
Your light
The day I had to walk up to your casket
And see you lying there...
So still
So cold
Eyes closed
Lips frozen against mine
And I left part of my soul
In that box
Beside you

Her innocence...
Her tiny fingers
Holding onto mine
As she lay in my arms
My child
My chance to be
The best momma
A little girl could ever have
I carried her inside me
For nine months
I sheltered her
I loved and protected her
She put a light into my life
That I know I never deserved
That I know was the sweetest
And most precious gift
I would ever receive

But damn God,
Why did I have to give her back
So fast...

The only comfort I have
In the sea of despair
In which I've drowned
Since the morning I woke up
And realized
That she had left me
In the night
Was that the last thing she felt
Was my arms around her
Holding her safe
The last sound she heard
On this earth was
The heart of a mother
That will beat for her
Until time stops
Until the day
She's in my arms

And then there's you...
The man who started out
My father in childhood
And ended as
My Daddy
The man that saved me
From me
More than once
The man that gave me hope
That I could maybe
Be the girl
He always believed
I could be
But I could never see...
The day I sat at his feet
As he lay ravaged from the cancer
In his hospital bed
And he made me a promise
That I know he keeps still
To take care of my Kairi for me
When he got to heaven
And then the morning I walked in
And found him there
But already far away from me
Already in heaven
Keeping his word
His hands still warm
Just minutes too late
To say goodbye
So I held him
And cried on his chest
Because I wasn't ready
To lose my Daddy
To lose one of the last
Of my loved ones
Who believed in me
Who was proud of me
In spite of all the wrong
I've done

It's nights like these
When the trifecta of grief
Becomes an ocean
When the loss of such
Has me lost in the dark
And praying
For the