Undertow... 2/27/13

I can just about taste it

The life you offer

And it tastes so damn good

But I'm terrified 

To take more than

A sip at a time...

Because if I partake

If I allow myself to 

Drink my fill 

If I allow myself 

To drown in this

Bliss you offer

Will I be able 

To keep my head

Above water

Or will I find myself

Pulled under

Caught... 

In the undertow

So What Am I This Week.... 2/26/13

Things I have learned over the past week....

I've been sick as hell
Inside and out
Hearing about things
I've supposedly done
Or things I've supposedly said
And I have to marvel at
The ingenuity of some people...

 One thing I need to state
As clearly as possible
So as not to allow any
Mistakes....

This child I carry
Is no one's business
But my own
And her father's....

And oh, there's the heart of the matter...
The rumor mill is really cookin on that...
From what I've read and heard,
This baby must have about 5 or 6 fathers....

I really can't wait until you
Find out my plan
To shove this bullshit
Straight back into your face.

Because I'll be happy to
Close that chapter
With a finality
You weren't looking for...

Spite 2/16/13

I have a past

One that haunts me

On nights like tonight

When I hear the words

I have tried telling you

Time and again...

I am no good for you.

Told again tonight

That I'm a fraud

That I'm just using you

That you don't deserve

The hell I carry with me

And I say to this

Perhaps something different

Than I've previously stated

I know I'm no good for you

I know I've got baggage

I know that my past will continue

To bite me in the ass 

The way it always does

But you make the pain

So worth bearing

You are more a man than any

Who have come before you

And you show me

A life worth living

You make me feel 

Which in and of it's self

Is foreign to me

Because you make me

Want to feel

Instead of hiding

Everything inside

I've never felt this kind of light

Burn inside of me

I've never felt like someone

Could see me for what I am

And love me in spite of it

And so, 

To those of you who believe

I'm just using this man...

That I'm not good for him...

You're right...

I am using him

I'm sucking up all the love

He has to offer and he's 

Healing me

From the inside out

I am no good for him...

Or at least I used to be

Because for him

And for myself

I want to be

Better

In spite of all those

Who like to say otherwise...

To My Zech 2/14/13

You called
Just one ring away
And you gifted me
With something
That means so much
To me

You called
And the voice that
At times seemed the
Only thing that
Could have saved me
From me

Because you saw me
In my truest light
From the moment of
Our first introduction
To the people
We have become...

And even after
All these years
After only an hour
Or two...
You still see me
As true as ever
There is no light
That could bathe me
As cleanly
As clearly
As the light that shines
Inside of me
In that moment
Of our latest
Hello

You carry part of my heart
Wherever you go
With much much love
And with even more lust... lol
Please know
That even in my worst moments
Even when things all fell apart
When I couldn't find you

I was always looking

Thank you for the best
Valentines Day gift
That I have gotten in years...

I got to hear
Your voice again
In what seems like forever

Fall 2/13/13

Tonight

You allowed me

Deeper

Closer

Than you have before

And I feel like 

Every time we get closer

I hear the shot

And I try to hide

The still smoking gun

That I used 

To destroy any resistance

I still have inside

To fight against 

My love growing stronger

In fear that I'll fall

Harder than ever before

When things fall apart...

And for me

They always fall

They always fall

Nights Like These... 2/13/13

On nights like these
I feel unfinished
Unclean
Unworthy
And I know it's because
I'm just a husk
A shell
Of what I'm supposed to be
And even though
I want with all my heart
To walk into that bedroom
And sleep beside you
I know that I'd only
Rub some of my dirt
Off onto you
And I refuse
To allow
You to carry
All the hurt I hold
To let you feel
All the bad I've done
All the sin I'm made of
All the ache
That tears me apart sometimes
From the inside out...
And I don't want to see
The revulsion on your
Beloved face
When you finally realize
Just how filthy
Just how unworthy
I really am

The Fairy Tale... 2/12/13

Women...
We all seem
To search out
The fairy tale
Instead of the hard
Hard truth of this world...

Very few of us
Ever find it...
Very few of us
Ever find ourselves
Much less a partner
That will see us
As we truly are
And love us
In spite of the
Dirt still under
Your skin

No matter how hard
You try...
No matter how you
Configure yourself
To what you think
They want...
You wonder....
If you show yourself
For who you really are
If it will end...

If you show your
Dark side
If yours is even close
To the darkness
Of my own
If he/she can handle
The real you
The one you only show
In your weak moments
If you'll find
Your happily ever after
Even after you show
The hell you lived
To get there...

Makes you wonder...
It makes me wonder
Right along with you...

Insignificant 2/12/13

You don't know me
You don't know what
Hides in the darkness
Of my soul
You have no clue
The rage I hold at times
The way I'm made to feel
Insignificant
The way I bite
My tongue
Until it bleeds
Trying to let you know
What's really in here...

And unable
To choke it out

Quiet Moments.... 2/12/13

Is this for real?
This feeling that
I may have really
Found my place?

Can I trust this?
Is it within my
Grasp?
Because I've never
Felt this way before
I'd never really cared
This much before
About anything
About anyone

But lately...
Just lately...
I feel the distance
In between
What you can't say
And the things
I need to hear

To me
This step
Is enormous
I love you so much
I can't see straight
I don't see things
The way I once did
I can't be the person
I was
Ever again

And this new me
Is someone I don't know
Someone so overwhelmed
With the craziness
The devil has been
Whispering to me
In my quiet moments....

Song To You... 2/7/13

This song is by Nickelback
"Trying Not To Love You"
And I believe it's my new song
For my Jay

You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more

[Bridge]
So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear
Said, I've been dying to tell you

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
We just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

Dear Sylvia A. Richards, 2/6/13

Grandma,

I remember
How soft
Your hands felt
Against my cheek
In my hair

I remember
How sweet
Your voice sounded
When you would tell me
That you loved me
Unconditionally...

And now...
Now I look at
The life I have led
And I wonder
If there is anything
At all
Worth being proud of...

Knowing that you were
Looking down on me
As I shot heroin
Into my veins
Sickens me

Knowing that you saw
Every moment of
Despair
Of pain
And that you were
Witness
To my disgrace
Makes me feel
Filthy inside

I know there is nothing
Besides my beautiful
Children
That I have
To take pride in
And even there
I feel I've failed them
And you've seen
All of it

I am so sorry
For who and what
I have become
But I am trying
So hard
To come back into
The light...

If there is some way
You still watch me
You still see me
And you still love me
Please don't turn away
I miss you so
Especially in moments
Like these...
When your very presence
Would put me at ease...

Please don't give up on me
Please don't turn away in disgust
At what you've seen
Up until this point...

Please keep watching over me
So that I can show you
That you do have someone
In me
To be proud of...

Crazy... 2/5/13

Once again...
I feel like I'm
Just lying to myself
To keep my guts
From pouring out
Onto the floor

Once again...
I feel like I'm
Lost
In my inability
To become
Something more
Than what I was
And what I know
I'll never be

Once again
I've fallen into
My self depreciating
Crazy fucking
Insanity
Like my brain is
On fire
And there's no
Way to stamp it out

Once again
Here I am
Searching
For something
I can not name
Something that
Will make me believe
I'm really here
That I'm really
Someone
I never thought
I could be

Defiled 2/5/13 (Rape/Explicit)

Filthy hands

Holding her 

Face down

Tearing at her clothes

With such determination

With such disgust

I watch them

Defile

A little girl

Who would be

Innocent no more

Watching it

Seemed like minutes

Living it

Has been a nightmare

That never ends

That first thrust

When he took

What should only

Have been given in love

When he took

Her innocence

When he ripped her

Apart

And then traded 

Places with his buddy

While one would 

Violate

The other

Told her

What a dirty little

Slut she was

"Tell me you like it"

They said

"Tell me to fuck you harder"

"You like that bitch"

"You're a nasty little whore now"

And they forced those

Words into her

Just as hard 

As they defiled

Any innocence

She still had

They made her believe

That she was everything

They'd called her

And more

And the memory 

Of what you did to me

Still haunts me

I can still feel you

Fucking the little girl

To death

And replacing her

With this vicious bitch

Who's been defiled

Who's been waiting

To exact revenge

Breath 2/5/13

How fast should I run
How far
Because tomorrow seems
So out of reach
And I spent
So many yesterdays
So fucked up
That I can't believe sometimes
That I should be here
That I should be okay
That I should feel so
Right....
But so wrong
In the same breath

I've never fit
Into the scheme
Of things
I've never felt
Like I belong
I've never before
Found myself
In this moment
So damn uncertain
So damn unclean
So damn unworthy
That I'm thinking
That I should run
Fast and far
Before things get
Too good to
Believe

Home... 2/5/13

Do you know
How it feels
To wake up every day
And know...
Just know...
You're inherently evil..
You're no fucking good
You don't deserve anything
Good or pure this world
Contains..
So you shy away

I know how it feels
To know
With every breath you take
That you don't belong
Anywhere
That you don't adhere
To what society
Deems acceptable...
That you're not right
In any way
That matters

But here I am
Waking up inside
Finally feeling what it is
To feel safe
To feel loved
To feel some acceptance
To know that you've
Handed him your heart
And he won't let it shatter
Under the pressure
I have built up inside...
That he's the key
To what home
Is supposed to feel like

And the door stands wide
Waiting for me to enter...
And I want to
With all my everything...
But I am afraid...
To call it mine
Home is something
Most people take
For granted...
Home is a soft place
To fall
But when I fell
I hit the ground
And created the hole
I had to climb out of
In order to get
Here...

So here I stand
Terrified...
To take that step
To believe in something
To believe in someone
To believe in anything
Terrified
To come home
Because I don't want
To cross that threshold
So bloody
And broken

Gravity 2/1/13

There it is
I feel it now
My feet are finally
On the ground
I breathe you in
And you fill me
Heart and soul
You make me see
You've shown me light
That I never believed existed
The story of us
So much still untold

You've shown me
That I'm no longer
Alone in this fight
You've given me
The ability
To plant my feet
Firmly on the ground
For the first time
Showed me what it's like
To be with someone
Who loves me
For me....
Fuck up's and all

So the laws of
Physics are no longer
What holds me
To the ground
From here on out
You are my gravity
My Jason
I love you
With all of my heart

Paragon 2/1/13

Once upon a time
Not too long ago
I knew this chick
Who knew too much
About things she
Never should have lived

She learned to stop
Hiding from herself
Learned for the first time
Just who she was
And what she was
Hiding inside

And embraced it

And realized who
And what
She really was
And found the
Monster inside
She'd been hiding
For years
The demon that
Lived under her skin

She let it out to play

Once upon a time
There was this girl
This paragon
Of what virtue would
Never be
Once upon a time
There was a scared
Little girl who hid
Behind the lies she
Created
To keep her guts
From pouring out

Once upon a time
That would never be
Again