Burning 12/25/12

I can't reach inside

And cut this out of me

I can't make this right

This time I really feel 

Like I've lost my grip 

On my sanity

On my soul

I've made such a mess

Of everything I've touched

And now I'm facing the 

Reality

Of my mistakes

The world I've been fighting for

Is falling away

And I'm too sick

To chase it

If you wonder at all

Why I've started pulling away

You'll understand

When I'm gone

When I'm just a memory

You don't deserve this hell

So I lock it inside of me

Where I allow myself 

The insanity I no longer let free

It's like I'm sitting in a room 

And it's burning down around me

There are no doors

There is no escape

And I'm just waiting

For my first taste 

Of the flames

Selfish 12/24/12

I can almost feel it
This thing inside me
Can almost touch
The beating heart
Of the monster
I hide

I am being punished
For the wrong I've done
I know that now
With every breath I take
I'm moving closer
To my reckoning
To my end

And I know I deserve this
I know that I should have to
Question every move I make now
I should have to weigh the needs of
My children
Against my selfish wants

Because I want more than anything
To hold my children
To have them with me
To be there every day
To fight to be a part of
What I never should have lost

And now I know
It just can't be
Because there's someone else
Waiting for me
Someone else who can't
Be denied
Who won't be bargained with
Who won't give me more time
To do the things I must

Because death waits
For no one

So I can go and fight
I can put my children through
Hell so that I can be in their lives
But I can't say how long I have
To hold them
And they don't deserve
To know what I know
To live with this
Sentence hanging over us
Every day

So for once
I'm going to just not
Be selfish...
I'm not going to force my way in
I'm not going to put them through
Me coming and going in their lives
But I pray
Every moment
Of every day
That they will know
I'm only staying away
So as not to hurt them
Even more
Than I already have

Impenetrable 12/22/12

You'd think that by now
I'd have learned
I'd have firmly and completely
Eradicated any need
Any yearning
I still had inside of me
To allow myself
To reach the level of
Insanity
I have reached
As of this moment
With my love
Of you

By now you'd think
I'd have learned to keep
The walls around my heart
Impenetrable
Until it withers away
From disuse and neglect
Instead of letting someone
In as far as I've already
Allowed you to get

Because you didn't declare war
The way so many others have.
You quietly and sweetly
Breached my gauntlet 
Broke gently through
All my defenses and somehow
You've reached the top of the tower
And somehow you lit a fire
And I need to come to grips
With the fact that
I gave you the damn match
That will burn me through

You wanted inside this castle
And now that you're here
I think you've found
You've gotten much much more
Than either of us
Ever bargained for
Now that you've seen me
Laid bare and defenseless
I wonder
Do you now wish
This fortress
Had remained
Impenetrable

Beyond Reason 12/21/12

I'm so sick
Of putting my heart out there
For you assholes to chew on
I don't know who you think you are
Why you think you have any right
To take my pain
And use it for your little
He-said-she-said games

But from this moment on
I'm done with all of it
Done with all the bull shit
And innuendo you're so
Hell bent on throwing onto
My path

You think that taking things
That I have said in confidence
And using them for your own
Sick need to cause hurt or
To inflate your own sense of
Importance

You've taught me a valuable lesson though
One I thought I'd already learned
Several times in my life
No matter how close you get to someone
No matter how tight you think you are
Absolutely do not ever trust
Another soul alive with anything
Keep it in, keep it silent
No matter how big or small
The issue

But if you'd wanted
To play dirty,
You couldn't have chosen
A more worthy opponent
Because you only think
That you know me
You only think you know
The lengths I'll go to
When pushed
Beyond my reason

Mikey and Lindsey 12/20/12

There is nothing more amazing
Than finding your soul mate
Has four legs
And a spirit like no other
Friend you've ever had.

This goes out to the most
Amazing animal/soul mate...
Mikey Hampson...
Adopted from an abusive home
Injured permanently by neglect
So that this soul mate
May be deaf to the world outside
But he feels all the love and
He knows he's found
A kindred soul
In his Lindsey

But do you think that would
Have slowed him down?
When Mikey met my sweet sweet cousin
Lindsey Victoria Hampson
Who has issues of her own
That she has triumphed over
But still has to fight couragously every day
Her own battles with her health
All Mikey has to do
Is look in her eyes
Or feel through her touch
Just how much he is now loved
And he gives just as much love in return

But now we've come to a fork in the road
Poor sweet Mikey has
Leukemia
But Mikey is trying his hardest
To stay with his soul mate
For as long as he can
And he's trying so hard to let her know
What he knows in is big, brave, beautiful, heart
That soon he will be
Running beside her always
But on the other side of the veil...
That he will finally hear the sound
That he has waited his whole life
To hear
The one sound
On this earth that he has
Dreamed about
The sound of her voice
Telling him
How much she loves him
And always will

He wishes only one thing
That he could tell her
That he'll never leave her
That death can not separate
Two souls as intertwined
As the souls of
 Mikey and Lindsey
And that he'll be waiting patiently
To meet again many many years
From now
So just make sure you're ready
Because the moment you're together again
He will demand
Snuggle time

Lindsey,
   I know you don't know me very well, but I know what you're going through right now.  I lost an amazing dog that healed my heart after a lot of craziness in my life... His name is Jack and he was a gentleman through an through... The sweetest most gentle dog you'll ever meet. And I swear, for the longest time after his passing, whenever I would go outside (ugh, cuz I smoke... yuk) I would feel him run past me out the door like he always did... I know how much Mikey means to you sweetie... Just know that NO MATTER WHAT he will ALWAYS BE WITH YOU.  Hang in there kiddo.... if you ever want to talk, just drop me a line on facebook.

   Your cousin
       Bre

Unpaid 12/20/12

I can't run
Far enough
Or fast enough
To escape
This insanity
I can't pretend it's not real
I can't will it away
I can't buy it off
Can't escape
My karma..
My penance is
Apparently
Unpaid
Until now

Waiting For The Reaper 12/20/12

I'm waiting...
Just a few more days...
And I'll know my fate
I'll know where my road
Is leading me
And I'm terrified...
I'm sick inside...
I'm just wrong,
I'm just not ready
To deal with my
Death
To deal with this
New turn
The devil has
Thrown onto my path
I'm just completely
Lost
Completely undone
By all this
Fear
I thought I'd conquered.
I thought I'd buried
But it's returned
With a vengeance
That is going to
Tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I've been
Trying so hard to
Place back together
In some semblance
Of a life.
I guess this is
God's way
Of telling me
I was never
Worthy
I was never going
To be allowed
To be normal
Never going to see
What it is to have
A life outside
My insanity
That I was never
Going to know
How good
It tastes
To really live
Because
I've received my
Death sentence
And I've just got
To wait a few
More days
To find out
How long I have
To wait for
The reaper
To welcome me
With open arms

Sentencing... 12/19/12

And so it begins...
My sentencing...
Live
Die
Or just wander
Lost in my own head
In my own misery

I did this...
I made the choice
I never said I was an angel
I never said I could take on the world
I never claimed innocence

But now I find that
Regardless of my choices
Regardless of my actions
To rectify my mistakes
I have already set
Myself into action

And I'm just waiting
For my sentence

The Knife 12/10/12

I'm at a loss...
Not quite sure
Which end is up
And what exactly
Is bringing me down

When I fight
I find it's usually
In vain
When I let things go
I find that once again
I've lost something
Worth saving...

So where do you go
When you can't go home?
Where do you find
Peace
When you can't remember
What it tasted like
In the first place

Tired, I guess
Of waiting
For the knife
To be removed
And for the realization
That I'm the one
That put it where it lies

Bridge 12/10/12

I'm losing touch
I feel like I'm on a bridge
Halfway in between
Who I was
And where I'm supposed to be
And the fire has been lit
At both ends
And there's just nothing
Below

I'm losing my ability
To give a flying shit
About yesterday
About tomorrow
About where I'm going
Amid this madness
Slowly bleeding
From the million
Tiny wounds
Your words inflict

Contrary to popular belief
I'm not her
I'm not the selfish bitch
I used to be
I'm finding my place
Among the ashes
Of the life I've led
But my hands are so dirty
With the filth of yesterday
They'll never come clean
At least not clean enough
For you

I can't make you understand
I can't make you see
I can't force you to accept
That there are things
On the side of the road
I've traveled
That will always
Be with me
Will always stain
My soul black
Will always
Bleed me
Right along with your
Inability to trust
That I am not
That person
Not anymore

The fire has been lit...
And I'm wondering...
Which will kill me first?
The fire
The wounds
Or the abyss
I'm ready to dive into

People... 12/9/12

Someday, I'll be able to say to myself
That I forgive me for the things I've done
I've learned my lessons harder than most
And have clawed my way out of hell
With my own bare hands

And someday,
I'll be able to look at all of you
The ones that have looked at me
And found me wanting
The ones that have used my pain
And that of my children
As weapons against me
Time and again...

And you know who you are...

I'll finally be the one
Looking down at you
Because something you've all forgotten
In your unrelenting mission to make me feel
As though I'm something less of a person
Something less than worthy
And I'll be able to turn that knife
Back on you
Tenfold...

Karma
Is a wicked
Wicked
Bitch

Devil's Dance Card 12/07/12

Sitting here wondering...

Have I really changed

As much as I believe I have

Or is this just a game I'm playing

I know I don't want to play

The game of sobriety

I want to live the life

I'm tired of waking up sick

Feeling like I can't be touched

Because my skin feels as though

It's being removed

Wanting to end my pain

With every breath I take

With every needle

I shoved in my veins

But I no longer

Go searching 

For death

Because apparently

Either God doesn't want me yet

Or he's got plans for me

And I truly have begun to believe

It's option two 

On the dial.

I don't wake up sick

I love to have my children

Pressed close to my heart 

In my arms

As tight as I can hold them

I don't invite

The devil in

Intentionally

But somehow

I know he's there

Just waiting

For me to slip

So I've decided

To keep that suitor waiting

As long and as hard as possible

Because I love this life 

The way I feel now

And the devil can just 

Hold onto that dance card

Until it withers in his hand

At All 12/06/12

So it looks like we're killing it
The progress we've made
Together as one
Or were we ever?

In the beginning,
You brought me with you
When you went to see
Those closest to you
Making me feel I was
Beginning to become
A small part
Of your life

But you've shown me
Where your heart stands
In the past few days,
In the little things I've noticed
That at the time
Meant nothing
And now show me
Where I stand
In the scheme
Of things

I'm yours in the dark
In the moments of passion
That are becoming too much
For you to handle
I'm yours when we're alone
When no one else is looking
When there's no one there
But me to see
The side of yourself
You try to keep buried

When the light hits
I belong in the shadows
Not saying much
But seeing everything
That you would rather I didn't

So where do I take this
From this point on
Where do I tether my heart
Or do I show my heart
At all
Do I want you to know
At all
Do I want you to see
How far I'm falling
Back into this
Darkness

Pieces 12/06/12

I'm so tired
Of believing I've found it
And knowing I never will
That it's something
I'm not allowed
To know
To experience
To have given back
In return
At the same level
As my own
I'm so sick
Of giving my heart
And watching it grow
In your hands
And to watch the
Damage begin
When I find
That I'm loved
Too much
And not enough
Watching
As it falls from your hands
Because I'm too much
To handle
Too broken
To hold
Just waiting
To have it handed back
In pieces...

Proven Right.. Once Again 12/06/12

I believe I once mentioned
That I wasn't someone that likes
To play the game of love
I was looking for something
Real...
Something more than
I've had in the past

And I believed,
Until recently
That I'd found it
With you

But things are changing
And I can feel it
Deep inside,
Where I hid my
Insecurity

You tell me you're not
Able to deal with
The pregnant hormones
I am dealing with
The talk of how I feel
Is too much for you.

So I feel now
Like I'm right back
Where I began
Trying to keep my feelings
Bottled up
Instead of bothering you
With my emotions
My feeling of being loved
Too much
And not enough

I guess I've been remiss
In educating you
About all that I've been through
And what those words
Have done to my new found
Confidence
If you wanted to defeat
My ability to be open with you
You have succeeded on all counts
Thank you for proving me right

Blow Job Bre 12/1/12

So this one is going to be a little different....
Hear me out...


I have a past
One in which I have been, seen, and done
A whole array of things
You would say are not things
That should be discussed
In polite society

But I never claimed to be polite
Never claimed to be a good girl
Never claimed to be anything more
Than what I am
Hence the content warning
You just clicked on

And I am not ashamed
These things made me
The person I am today
And helped to break
My give a shit
Years ago

But these things
DO NOT DEFINE
The person I am today
DO NOT SHAME ME
When they are brought up
And joked about

So yeah, I gave someone
A blow job
So yeah, I danced naked
And made a hell of a lot of money
Doing so

And I have changed
I am no longer that person
But she still lives inside of me
I can't erase her or make these things
Disappear

But please,
When you speak about it
To others, in front of me
Or directly behind my back
Remember this...

You're not getting complaints
About the work I did
Now are you?
So why should I be ashamed
Of the way it's spoken of?
From the way it sounds...
I blew his damn toenails off

Completely Un-? 12/1/12

I am completely
Undone
Without you
Scattering my seeds
Of discontent
Everywhere
And nowhere
Loved too much
But not enough
Completely
Un-understood
Un-yielding
In my belief
That I am
Undone
Unfinished
Un-assembled
Waiting
For completion

23 Days Til I Die 12/1/12

Just 23 more days
Until I can wake up
And claw my guts out
Knowing my children
Are happily enjoying
Their Christmas bounty
Excitedly finding the
Treasures they've
Waited all year
To discover
Smiling
Laughing
While I bleed
My heart out
Onto the floor
Miles away
From them
Once again
Locked out
Of their lives
Because of my
Selfish choice
Two years ago
When everything fell apart
And instead of fighting
I allowed my insanity
My demons
To take what was left
Of my life
And now that I'm
Healthy
Now that I've found
My way back to sanity
I'm cut out
Deservedly
From their joy
From their excitement
From every precious moment
Leading up to that day...

And you wonder why
I hate holidays...