Anymore 12/13/15

I can't seem to
Believe in much
Anymore
Can't seem to
Make  myself feel
Make my life real...
Can't seem to
Find me
In the mess
I've made
And when night
Falls around me
And the guilt and shame
That plagues me takes
Hold I find myself
Choking on the
Laughter I can
Not produce
And trying desperately
To remember
Better days
That I guard
So selfishly
Inside a heart
That I have
Killed
So thoroughly
That I don't believe it
Can be reborn.
But then again,
I don't believe in much
Anymore

Unforgivable 12/2/15

Sometimes
I allow myself
The unforgivable...
When I let myself
Dream
Of a world
In which
I never
Lost
Any of
You ...

And it is so
Foreign
So unthinkable
That I make myself
Promise
Never to
Go to that
Place again....

Because from
Where I stand,
A world like that
Can never be
Allowed
For someone
Like me

Someone the world
Has shown
One too many times
Is unlovable
Unclean and
Unworthy
Of such
Grace...

Belong 12/1/15

I sit here lost

Spending another night

Reacquainting myself 

With Insomnia, 

With Insanity

With this 

Ache

Burning through

My guts

And

Scalding 

Whats left 

Of my soul....

Driving the point home

Once again

I 

Do 

Not

Belong

Anywhere

It's a cold world

Out here

When you 

Find yourself

Facing a future

Alone...

So cold

I fear

I'm going to 

Shatter 

Under the 

Unforgiving weight

Of my mistakes...

And It's getting colder

By the moment

Hole 11/2/15

There is a hole
Inside of me...
So deep
I can hear the
Echos
Of my failures
Coming back
To embrace me
Over
And
Over

There is a chasm
Of pain
That grows
Ever wider
Every day
Every hour
That passes
Since I last
Held you
Tight
So
Tight

I'm swimming
In the choices
I've made
Should I fight
Should I wait
Like they want
Should I put you
Through the fight...
Or wait until you're
Older and can
Make your own
Choices....

I'm looking for help...
Guidance
And finding only
Holes

Becoming 10/30/15

I don't think
I like
The person
I've become
Somewhere
Along the road
I've stumbled down
I think
I lost
My soul
Because without you...
Without any of you...
I am
Lost inside
This misery
Of my own
Making
I've gotten so
Lost
So cold
That I almost
Fear
Who I'm
Becoming....

One of Those Nights 10/25/15

Having one of those nights
Where I miss a life
That no longer wants me
Missing the girl
I tried so hard to be
And failed so
Miserably

Missing the life I had.
Missing my children
About as much as they
Now despise me.
Missing the woman who
Woke up smiling everyday
That I have never been

I find myself sinking
Into the madness of me...
Hoping like hell
That this time
I'll drown
Because I've successfully
Lost everyone I care about
And not one of them
Would even mourn me
Anymore

How 10/5/15

How do you begin
To make amends?

How do you
Begin to heal
The pain?

I want nothing more
Than to have been
Able to be there
With you
For you
Because I know
You were scared
Even though I know
How strong you are.

I know I miss you
I know I think about you
Every single day
I know I can't stop
The tears that fall
Every time I think of you
Laying in a hospital bed
And telling them that
You didn't want me
To know
You didn't want me there.
When you went through
Something that big
Something that life altering.
Something that could have
Taken you away from me
Forever

I have lost one child
That I will never hold again
If there truly is a God
Somehow
Somehow
I will hold you again

Un-Sweet 8/18/2015

My hope for you
Is that you have all
That you dream of .
That your day was special
That your life is blessed.
I know you don't want me
To have anything to do
With you
But my heart
Can't seem to
Forget
Doesn't want
To forget
That once upon a time
Sixteen years ago
I had a little girl
That I could have held
In my arms for hours
The day you came
Into my life
A beautiful little girl
With kaleidoscope eyes
Who stole my soul
In the space of a breath
You were mine and I was yours
And in that moment
We were all that mattered

I love you
And miss you
And pray daily
That someday
We can make this right

Wraith 7/5/15

I am
Cold and
Unrelenting
Embittered
By the hand
I've been dealt
I'm unable to
Find a light
In my world of
Darkness
My world of
Pain
They say that
Time would heal
This wound
But they lied
It's become a
Monster that has
Overcome and
Enveloped all my
Demons
It's become the
Agony that
Sits at the corner of
My lips
That turns my smile
Into a sneer
That makes every
Chance of joy
Die a swift and
Violent death
That takes my
Ability to hope
And kills it
I don't understand
How something so sweet
Something so beautiful
So innocent
Could take a woman
Who once believed
In second chances
And turn her
Into a wraith
A vile shrew
Who's bitterness
Has become
Her reason
To live

Ashes 5/31/15

There

Sitting on a shelf

In a pretty pink 

Marble urn

Are the ashes

Of a life

The ashes of 

A miracle

I wasn't supposed

To have

A sign of hope 

That was never 

Meant to be mine

So she was called home

And all I have left

Are the ashes

The ashes 

Of all my hope

All my love

All my heart and

All my soul

Are there...

In that box

In ashes

Falling Away 7/10/15

I feel it all
Just slipping away
Like I'm standing in the rain
Trying to catch the raindrops
And I'm losing it all
Bit by bit
Feeling it all
Slipping through
My fingertips
I think I got
Too close
To having
The life
I never believe
I deserved
So close
That when it all
Fell away
I was left
Trying to hold on
To a yesterday
That no longer
Wants me

Someday 5/11/15

Do you not see
What I see?
Can't you see
Where this path
Of hatred and
Misery ends?

Someday
Our
Daughter
Will
Hate
You

Someday,
She'll be able to see
All the texts
All the calls
Every attempt
That I've put forth
To simply be
A part of
Her life

Someday,
She'll read
Every bit of
Malice,
Every vicious
Slur
Every ounce
Of bitterness
That you've
Thrown out
Not in her defense
But to make yourself
Feel better for the
Wrongs of the past
And YOU will
End up
Choking on
The ashes
Of the destruction
You've incited

When she sees that
HER DADDY
KEPT HER MOMMY
AWAY

She will hate you for it....
Can't you see that?

Seven 5/5/15

She's gotten so tall

So lanky

Skinny and 

Sweet

She smiles 

And the world 

Can't help 

But smile with her

She turns seven today

And no matter how many 

Texts 

No matter how many

Voice messages 

I've sent

Or how much I've 

Begged and threatened 

I'm still

Not allowed

To spend it

With her

I have court backing

And still

He's kept us apart

Still puts me in this 

Story as a monster

But I don't see it that way

And from the looks of things

Neither does she

So Happy Birthday 

My Sweet Irelynd

Mommy does love you

And wish she was here

No matter what anyone

May say to the contrary

Mommy 4/28/15

"She's my Mommy!" 

The little girl

Whispers excitedly

At first

And then repeats again

With more force

"Hi Mommy!"

I turn

And see her

Beloved face

And she runs

Into my arms

And she snuggles 

In deep

And she 

Looks at me

With those big 

Beautiful eyes 

And I know 

Peace

I know 

Contentment

Because she has

Shown me 

Something

I never thought

I'd see again....

My own sweet child

Showing me 

That I'm loved

That I'm wanted 

And I'm not giving up 

Not after tonight 

"That's my Mommy!"

"I miss you Mommy!"

"When can you come see me again?"

"Can you come tomorrow?"

"Daddy, can Mommy sit with us?"

And the look in your eyes

When you realized 

We couldn't stay

Please baby, 

I need you to know that 

I would have done

Anything you asked

Were it in my power 

To do so

But it's not up 

To just me

So tomorrow I go again

To try to be a part 

Of your world

Or perhaps

Make one of 

Our own

Where the hurt I saw

In your eyes tonight

Can't find us 

Know How 4/25/15

I sit here wondering

What could make me 

Stop loving 

My daughters

Or stop loving 

My mother 

Or stop loving 

My sister

Or stop loving 

All the rest of the

People I once held

So close to my heart

And the answer flares

In front of me

I guess I just

Don't know how

To do it 

I wonder what could make me

Want to push them out of my life

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Learn about my disease

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Attend one Narc-Anon meeting

Why I wasn't as important to them

As they were to me

I guess I just 

Don't know why

They did it

I sit and remember

All the things that have happened 

That have led me to this place

And I still don't understand how 

A person can just stop 

Loving someone

That gave them life

That birthed you and raised you 

That grew up beside you

And loved you every day 

From then until forever

But I've learned love

Shouldn't come

With a set of conditions

And I wish I'd seen mine 

Before my contract was up

If there is any way to love

That isn't unconditionally 

I guess I just 

Don't know how

Someone Like You 4/7/15

I sit listening to music

And this song comes on

One I've heard a million times

And sung my guts out to

A million and one. 

And yet...

This time...

I listened

And I remembered

And it took on new meaning. 

You see...

I've been missing you 

As of late

Missing how strong you were

When our world fell away

When we lost our angel 

You stood strong

Until you couldn't hold it in

And you did what had to be done

And I don't blame you

Not one bit

I never deserved you 

To begin with

You and Kairi were a dream

I wasn't good or clean enough

To hold

And I still grieve 

For all I had

And all I lost 

When I lost you

You've moved on 

And from all I've been privy to

You're finally happy

And I have peace knowing that. 

Because you deserve it Jason. 

You deserve a good woman 

Who will make your world complete

You deserve to be a daddy 

No matter how it came to be

Now you have that chance and 

I swear to you on our daughters name 

That I wish you all 

Nothing but the best. 

I guess this is my goodbye 

To you... 

Even though you could care less

I need it said 

I need to give it voice 

Because I need to hear it louder 

Than the irrational hope 

That we could mend our 

Fucked up fences

And someday have a friendship. 

That's all I'd ever hope for 

Because in spite of it all

You were always

A friend 

Always someone I knew 

I could trust implicitly 

The last of the true 

Good men in the world 

And it's him I miss the most 

So in the words of Adele, 

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it... I'd hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that to me... It isn't over....

"Never mind I'll find someone like you...

I wish nothing but the best for you... Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes hurts in stay."

"Nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they're memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this could taste...."

Goodbye Jason

I wish you all the happiness

I couldn't give you

I wish that all the joy of being a father

That I was able to give you so briefly through our Kairi  

Lives on in your new angel.

And I wish you all the love I 

Tried and failed to show you 

Lives in every breath 

In your new relationship. 

Bad Guy 3/19/15

I have always
Taken the blame
For the wrong things
I've done
I'll take the consequences
And deal with the
Aftermath
Of said wrongs
When I do wrong
As most tend to do
I'll tell the truth
And shame the devil

But here
In this instance
If I come clean
If I admit my part
It will hurt someone
I love
So I'll play the
Bad guy
In your
Newly white world
And I'll keep
My lips
Sealed
To the truth

Because playing
The bad guy
Is a role
I know
All
Too
Well

Stasis 3/13/15

I stand here
Overthinking things...
As usual
I bring my bags back inside
I sit down with a cup of coffee
And I allow this feeling
To wash over me...

I've been stood up

Perhaps I'm letting this
Get to me more than I should
But damn it
I haven't felt this way
In a damn long time...
I haven't allowed myself
To hope
That my heart
Could come out
Of it's coma
It's stasis
I put it on the shelf
Beside my baby's ashes
And I haven't allowed
Anyone in
That wasn't already there...
And perhaps it was silly of me
To have allowed myself
The forbidden pleasure
And exquisite pain
Of hope
The childish wishing
Maybe this could be
The beginning of something
I haven't let myself want and
Probably don't deserve

To finding I didn't even
Merit a phone call

My mistake
Was allowing the wanting
To find it's way back inside
My heart
My head
My mistake
Was in making
Something
Out of
Nothing

So I sit here another night
Sucking down my cigarettes
Like I'm giving my hatred head
And allowing this
Bitterness
To flow back
In place of the hope

Dear Daddy 3/1/15

Dear Daddy, 

   I know you won't ever be able to this message.  I know you've left

 this world for the wonders and mysteries that await you in the next life. 

I know you've found out just how wonderful Heaven is and I'm so happy for 

that.  I hope it's everything you had always dreamed it would be and then 

some.  

   I know that you've kept your promise to me Daddy. I know that my 

sweet Kairi is safe in your strong arms that used to pick me up and 

swing me around as a child, and I know she feels just as loved as I 

did.  I have such peace in knowing she is with you, and honestly, 

your promise is what has given me such peace of mind.  I don't 

know where I'd be right now if you hadn't given me that gift before 

you passed. 

   I have peace in my heart now thanks to you, but it doesn't stop me

from missing you.  I know that I won't ever stop wishing I had been 

more of a daughter to you.  A more dutiful daughter.  More active in 

your life.  There is so much about your life that I wasn't privy to and 

I wish I'd made more of an effort to learn more about you.

   I wish I'd made you proud

   Instead of being such a disappointment

   Being such a failure

   But you never made me feel that way.  You never made me feel like 

I wasn't a part of you, like the outcast that I'd always cast myself as.  You

had the innate ability to break right through all my defenses and reach 

deep inside me to find the child I never got to be.

   And I miss that

   Because I don't fit

   Anywhere but with you. And lately, I feel like I'm just playing the

waiting game... waiting for the time I get to join you and my Kairi, and 

sometimes... just sometimes... I want to call the game before I have to face

the outcome... but I know that if I did, I'd become the disappointment I 

always feared I already was.  I know I would finally see shame on your

beloved faces.  

   Shame I know I richly deserve

   Shame I am trying daily

   To live down

   Please know I love you, I miss you, and I pray daily that you have 

the whole family around you and that Kairi is making Heaven a brighter

place with her light that I miss so much. 

   I miss you more than words could ever ever properly say... and I love you 

more than I can physically express. 

Love Forever and Ever, 

Your "Bre-ba" 

In Memory of Linda Cafferillo 2/24/15

I hear the splinters form

And I begin to shatter

As I stand 

Numb

Eyes filled with sorrow

Threatening to spill over

As I learn

Of the loss

Of yet another

So dearly loved

So cruelly taken

And lost to me

But I have something of yours.... Something that even as greedy

As final

As heart wrenching as 

Death

Can not take away 

From me

The way you would smile at me

The way your eyes

Would glow

With love and pride

When you spoke to me

Of your children 

Your grandchildren

And how they were your

Greatest achievement 

The way your hand fit

With my own

And the way 

You could make 

The whole world

Fall away

With just a word

A touch

Nobody but you

Has ever come close

To melting this ice I've 

Formed around my heart

And grows colder still

Inside my chest