Empty

There’s nothing really in here.
Just an empty woman trying to refill
Trying to regain, 
Trying to remain…
Sorta lost my footing here….
Fucked up an floundering…
Unable to find my own way.
Trying not to take the easy 
Way just one more time.
You never really saw me
You never cared to look inside
Your innocent insults
Weren't something you could hide.
So where does someone like me go.
When everything else is gone.
Afraid to show what’s really in here…
Afraid to find out that I’m really
Just empty…

Momma's Rage

She stands there.
So much anger inside of her that
She knows is going to boil over
She knows
She knows when momma's mad,
She knows when momma's sad,
She knows when momma's anger
Her hate, is going to hurt her bad.
The first slap means nothing,
Just suprise upon her face.
Then the second blow is landed
But by then she already knows
She knows that momma loves her
She knows that she must have done wrong
She knows that when it's said and done,
Momma will hold her all night long.
But somewhere between the first slap
And the child bleeding on the floor.
She just became an object, not a Momma
Not at all.
She stands and watches and wonders why
She can't get up, She doesn't understand
She's already beyond the pain here,
She's free from Momma's rage.

Too Damn Much

There's too much life out there.
There's so much pain.
Pain that lingers on everyone.
Pain I can't contain.
I'm so damn tired
Tired of playing nice
Tired of always finding the one
Who learns how to play me
Pulling my strings
I'll never be that girl again.
The girl that bends
Sweetly at the waist
And takes it up the ass
You'll never know
Who's really in here
Never see the empty shell
I really thought you'd free
I really thought you'd be
But I, We were too much for you...

The Pursuit of Happiness

I'm as empty as a woman can get.
All tied up, fucked up inside
Anger blinding me to the truth
Your scathing superiority, 
Your trigger, my gun
I feel it burning in me all the time...
The rage I can't set free
The lies that compound me
The lies that compel me
To do something 
I must avoid
I try to be un-caring
I try to just ignore
I try make you understand
With the silence in my words.
I need to release this anger
Somewhere
Somehow
I need to make you understand
You've killed my every single vow.
Your hipocracy astounds me
Your not anyone I know
I hope you find the happiness
You've killed me to obtain.

NEVER ENOUGH 2009

Where does it end?
I’m so tired of feeling like 
I’m not really in here…
Like my skin’s too tight to hold me in and 
I’m just going to come pouring out at any moment… 

You see, in many ways, 
I’m still there.
Still finding solace in the slender vial of heroin.
Pushing the pain away and plunging myself further into heartache….

Where does it end?
This incessant waiting for the day that 
I stop craving. 
The day I finally come back to myself, 
Like a prisoner finally set free. 
Like nothing I do really matters in the long run…

I was supposed to matter. 
I was supposed to be the someone everyone talked about. 
The someone little girls wished they’d grow up to be just like
And now I’m not even proud of me
Now I just wish I’d disappear…

How to other people overcome this? 
I haven’t touched heroin in almost five years
Others call that an achievement, 
I just call it cowardice
I’m just afraid of what
I’ll become if I slip back into oblivion… 

Damn it, I wanted to be proud. 
Wanted my girls, the only ones who matter, 
To look up at me and be proud of something other
Than my ability to abstain from a drug
I wanted to be their heroine.. 
But all I am is lost.
All I am is me, 
Not enough for anyone…

What's Wrong Here???

So here I sit.
One more night 
Spent alone.
I'm tired.
Tired of feeling like
There's something wrong
Inside me.
Something Broken.
Something living my life
For me.
I sit here alone
With the guilt I 
Carry inside me.
It feels like a living
Breathing thing.
It's like I'm followed
By a snarling, angry beast
That I can't train to 
Behave.
So who do I have to be now?
When everything else has gone
Away?
I just checked the time
And I realized...
It's about half-past
Give a shit.

Unfinished

I'm not whole. 
Not who I thought I was.
I feel like I've been ripped apart
Chewed up and spit out and
Left stuck to the bottom of your boot.
Right where you always wanted me.

I'm dead inside.
I care only for my loved ones.
But even they know.
I'm not really in here.
Inside this shell.
Inside this hell.

I'm wondering...
Will I be able to put the 
Pieces back together?
In time to 
Save myself?

Cuz no one will do it for me.
No one wants to be a part of me...
I'm done with the begging..
I'm done with the pleading.
I'm done revealing just how 
Broken I am inside.
It still feels like there's
Something unfinished.
A apart of all this that
Isn't done.
But I am...

Hiding

When I was a little girl
I used to hide in closets.
Looking for treasures
I had yet to discover.

Years later, I feel like 
I live inside of one.
One that I made 
Just for me
While trying desperately
To find the me I lost
Along the way here...

When I was young
I believed with all my heart
I'd be rescued by my prince
A man who'd love only me
One who wanted only 
My happiness.

Today I know that 
All of my dreams were 
Lies.
Stories I told myself to 
Keep my guts from 
Pouring out of me.
To keep me from learning
The truth about love.
That those you give yourself to
Love you too much, but not enough...

When I was a little girl,
When I was still innocent...
Was I ever innocent?

All the drugs, all the men, all the "love"
That this world has to offer means
Absolutely nothing to me anymore.
Because I feel like I'm just 
Hiding... here in my closet.
So lost in yesterdays and could have beens
That I can't find my way back out.

And there's no one looking for me...
Not anymore.

A Little Religion

I have no faith
I have nothing here inside
I have nothing guiding my steps or
Working behind the scene's to fix
All that I worked so hard to 
Fuck up in the first place.

Some days, I sit here and ask myself
How is it that you are right in your belief
And I am so wrong?
If you are the poster child
For Christianity today,
Count me out.

For someone that is so in touch with the Lord,
You single handedly destroyed any faith I had in me.
With your overzealous criticizm's in the name of 
Yet another broken soul.

I will never understand you.
You never wanted me to be a part of his life
For me...You've killed not one father...
But two.

Dear Momma... (originally written 9/12/12)

Hello Mom, can you hear me?
I’m already on my way…
I’m sorry Daddy 
I know you don’t
Wanna hear the words I’ll say…

I’ve messed it up again…
Just didn’t work out some how…
So here I am 
I’m on my way
I’m ready to lay it out

I guess I’m broken inside
Way deep down where it counts
And nothing I try ever takes the time
And I’m saying please just count me out…

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Going back to where you go 
When you know you can’t go home.

I’ve burned it down 
And now I’m choking on the ashes
Of a life that never made me proud
I guess it’s over…. Count me out.

So hey there mom… I love you so
I’m sorry 
This came much too late
To save me from myself
To save me for myself

I’m falling down
The rabbit hole
Trying not to land face down
Going back to where you go 
When you know you can’t go home…
When you know you can’t go home…

Depressed

They say that I’m depressed. They say that inside of me 
I’m wrong 
I’m broken
I’m bruised
And they wonder why.

They put me in the spotlight
They say look at her
While they hide their knuckles
Behind their backs 

Their words are double intended
While their lies 
Drip sweetly 
From their lips

Where Do They Go?

Where do dreams go
When they don't come to fruitiion?
Do they stay teathered to you
Like demon's that haunt you
In the night...


They claw at me like 
A rabid beast
Alive inside me trying 
To tear me into
Even more pieces
Than I already hold 
Inside...


I've never been very good 
At puzzles... and I...
The glue isn't holding me
Together anymore...

Momma's Little Failure

All my life I've had this secret dream
That one day I'd be able to come to you
And say "look, see the success I've become."
And you'd look at me with tears in your eyes
And tell me that you're proud of me.
That I'm not a failure.
That I'm not such a disappointment
To you.

What you said to me still haunts the 
Hell out of me.
Throwing those words out there that 
You can't take back
And you walked away with my heart 
Stuck to the bottom of your shoe 

It will take time
But I'll get there...
I'll find a way to make my 
Life into something.
And when I do
Don't bother with the words
I know I'll never hear from you.
They won't mean a thing to me

Not anymore.

Hello? God? Are You There???

I'm a paper doll.
I'm ripping at the seams...
Trying desperately to 
Pull together
All the pieces 
I've lost
Along the way...

I say hello... 
And hear the 
Screaming 
In the silence...
Of the dial tone...

Call Me by Shinedown... My Jilly

"Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able
to say I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend
I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst 
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried
Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, 
you healed my Heart
and my life...
And you know I try
Call me a sinner, call me a saint 
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say.
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way 

Your Insanity 09/08/2012

How do you do it?
Become so self important?
Become so self absorbed
That you can hand me
Back my heart
With the pieces still crumbling
Off of your fingertips

When can I escape
Your madness
Your insanity
Your psychotic ability
To make me care for you
More than myself
More than the soul
You've claimed
For your own

Could You... 09/08/2012

Trying to avoid you
And then I try to run
But you're buried in my head
You're burning in my blood

I can never escape this circus
This game of where I belong
This farce of who I am
Pretending I am strong

So I'm done acting
I'm done being afraid
I'm tearing out the ribbons 
Of the life that I once led

I've bared my soul to you
I've watched you chew it up
Spit it out
I've handed you my heart 
And watched you crush it 
Under your boot
Watched you dig it in like garbage
As you turned to walk away

So I'm done pretending
That I'm okay with this
I'm throwing off the bondage
Of who I used to be

I no longer give a fuck
If you see the darker side of me
I can't help if you see, 
What life has made of me
I can't wait to introduce you
To the me I don't understand myself

I'm still searching for the pieces
To the puzzle of my mind
Could you be the one 
To accept my insecurities
To drag me out of hell

Tragic Truth

Tragic Truth
Five Finger Death Punch

I'm drowning in the bottom of a bottle
Running from a man I swore I'd never be
No one ever has to face tomorrow
But I'm the one that has to face me

It's the demons
I've created for myself
The tragic truth
It's hard for me
To understand myself
So it has to be Hell
For you

Are we born to be broken, sinners and thieves
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape (you)
This is not what I wanted, not what I need
Tear it all, tear it all, rip it all away

I can't say the Devil made me do it
I chose to be the one I am, the way I am today
Wish there was, but there's no way around it
In the end I made the choice and will not
Die ashamed

It's the voices screaming in my head
The tragic truth
It's hard for me
To understand myself
So it has to be
Hard as hell for you

(3x)
Are we born to be broken, sinners and thieves
Someone tell the heavens I'm ready to escape (you)
This is not what I wanted, not what I need
Tear it all, tear it all, rip it all away

Facebook Moment... 09/08/2012

"Thinking of you, wherever you are.
We pray for our sorrows to end,
and hope that our hearts will blend.
Now I will step forward to realize this wish.
And who knows;
starting a new journey may not so hard
or maybe it has already begun.
There are many worlds,
but they share the same sky-
one sky, one destiny." -Kingdom Hearts.

Written on my daughter Jillian's page... 
I miss you so much baby
I see you as a little girl...
All curls and sweetness...
I have ruined everything
Your innocence and my own

Your Favorite Scapegoat...

Somewhere lies the child
I never got to be.
Somewhere hides the darkness
Just waiting to be free
Just like a cancer
I've killed it all 
All that’s good in me

Where I’ve been 
What I’ve done
Who I’ve had to be
Just lies, all lies
All there is to me

Burrow deeper under the skin
I’ll never be clean
It sits there on the surface
It’s all that anyone sees.
No matter how hard I scream 
No matter how red I bleed
All that you ever cared to see
Is what you tried to make of me

Always so damn wrong.
Always the one at fault
Always your favorite scapegoat
Always your favorite scapegoat