Tightrope 9/12/13

I feel lately

Like I'm just holding

My breath

Waiting for the 

Other shoe to drop

On the world I have

Achieved...

And soon...

Soon

My chest will

Explode 

With all the words

I can not say

And all the hurt

I have stored inside 

Because God forbid...

I have feelings

That don't 

Mesh with what

You think I 

Should be feeling

Anymore

And God forbid

I act on them

Just like I'm walking

A tightrope 

Once again

Without 

A net

Forum 9/5/13

I don't usually use this
As a forum for my anger...
Yeah right
Who am I kidding?
But tonight I have
A different approach

Because tonight
My world
Fell apart

And I sit here
Hastily
Trying
To reassemble
This absolute
Destruction

Laid waste to
The fairy tale
I had in my mind
Of a happily ever after
Became nothing more
Than a  pretty little
Bull shit story....

Fading...9/1/13

Feeling lost in this sea
Of bewilderment
Of sorrow
Believing myself
To be more
Than what I really am
Trying to be someone
I am finding
That I'm just not
That I'm not good enough
Nor do I deserve
This light
Finding that I am
Not nearly as strong
As I tell myself
That I am now
Lying to myself
To make this
Gnawing ache inside
Die for just a moment
Just for a little while
To be lost,
Trying so hard
To keep myself
From losing
The peace I found
Peace that is fading
Around the edges

Ache 8/29/13

I'm sitting here
With you just a few
Steps away from me
And you don't see it
You don't see the turmoil
Inside of me
You don't see
Just how badly
I want to be held
By you
How badly
I want to
Have you reach out
To hold me
How much I ache
To be
Worthy
Of a man
As good
As you

Games 8/29/13

I am not whole
I am not who I am
Supposed to be
For me
For anyone

I am not clean
Not the type of woman
You need
To help make your life
Complete
I will only
Complicate

I am not sane
Not right in places
I need to be

I am surprised by the
Intensity of my confusion
By my inability to make right
My wrongs

But I see myself
Playing this game
Showing you the mask
I've made to shield
The part of me
I can't show

I'm playing the game
But I'm getting lost
Somehow
In this reckoning

Letting Go... 8/29/13

Gathered together in my arms
Like an illusion
Like a beautiful bundle of lies
And broken promises
I hold the memory
Of you
And I breathe in
The scent of your
Disillusionment
And I taste the pain
I've endured
From the loss of you
And I'm filled with
Such bitterness
Because I know
With every breath
You were brought
Into my life
To show me
That it is possible
To crave pain
To yearn for something
I was never meant
To hold...
But I hold this
I hold you
Hands bloodied from
The fight
Fingers straining
To clutch this chance
But knowing
Feeling
I'm about to
Let go

Accepted 8/24/13

So I've found
What I thought was
A feeling
I was supposed to
Only learn
One way
I have learned
How to love....
Without the knowledge
Of what it is
To be loved in return
The way you two
Beautiful women do

To be accepted
Flaws and all
Into the embrace
Of a mother
Born not of blood
But of something
So much more profound

To be bonded to someone
In a way I wasn't sure
I'd ever allow back into
My heart
Because the pain of losing
The love and acceptance
Of a sister
Once nearly undid me

But in these two women
I have found something
I never imagined I'd find

Love
Just plain love
And a love that I
Crave and fear
In the same breath...
One of the sweetest forms
Of torture
Because I don't ever
Plan to lose
The hope you have
Instilled in me

Fourteen Years 8/18/13

Fourteen years ago, on this day

I gave birth to this amazing young woman...

Not a single day passes without my heart

Beating in time with yours my love.

Days may pass...

Precious moments missed

That I will never get back, 

But from the day your light

Entered my world, I have loved you

Every moment

Unconditionally 

Without reservation

And I will continue doing so

Until my last breath

Happy birthday my Jillian

Know that my heart

Is with you always...

Quilted 8/18/13

Sometimes,
My past creeps in
Like a silent stalker
And kicks me in the face
With some glaring truths

First of these
Is this
I won't be free
From it...
Not ever
And even though
I would love to say to you
That I'm okay,
That I'm not broken
That I can be
All that you
Believe I already am
I refuse to lie
To the wonderful
People in my life...
It's like the quilt
You laid so perfectly
On the bed today.
Even one stitch
One moment
Forgotten
And the whole deal
Is skewed
Is able to be
Ripped apart
By the slightest
Pull

So I remember
And I relive
The pain of what was
That's stuffed inside
The hope chest
Inside of me
Like that beautiful quilt
Folded up precisely and
Put away
To make room for the new
But not forgotten
Not erased

Sleepless 8/12/13

It's one of those nights
When my past creeps in
And shatters
My already skewed
Idea of sleep
Of resting
Because it seems
I'm not allowed to
Put these thoughts
These memories
These relentless wounds
To bed
And leave them there
Because I can't face
This darkness
Alone
It seems sleep
Is just another
In my long list
Of illusions
My list of lies
I tell myself
To keep myself
From spilling
My crimson regret
At your feet

Holding On... 8/12/13

 I find myself
Lost sometimes
In this sea of
Dreams
Disguised as promises
Through the loss of
Those beloved
Through the finding
That I am not the
Lost cause I always
Believed myself to be
And finding it all
The moment
You reached out
And placed
Your tiny hand
In mine....

Makes me believe I can
Hold on...

Thoughts of You... 8/12/13

It hasn't been that long
Since I last saw your smile
Since we last spent time
Just being
Just being
And I'm finding myself
Unable to look away
From the darkness
In me
From the loss
Of you
From the rage
I feel sometimes
Because I'll never
Be able
To just be
With you again
The anguish I feel
Toward life
In all it's agony
From knowing
That you're gone
That you've passed
From this life
Into the next
Without me

That you've gone on
To wherever
And now I'm lost
Without your light

I think about you
At the oddest times
When I'm driving down
The highway
Wishing you were
Laughing in the passenger seat
Like today
Like every day
That passes
Without you

Trying To... 8/5/13

With one look
You make the whole world
Just fall away
You ignite a fire in me
A flame I refuse to allow
To weaken or die
Just holding your tiny
Head in the palm of my hand
And seeing you stare up at me
With the wonder and awe in your eyes
That only a child,
As new to this world as you
Can achieve
Makes me see my life
As it was
And makes me move forward
Into a tomorrow that I never believed
I could have.
A tomorrow I didn't believe
I would ever deserve
And I still don't feel
As though I deserve you
But I plan to spend every day
Trying to

Jason 7/23/13

Tonight,
While you slept
You put your arms around me
As I reached over you
To take our daughter
To feed her
And I sit here now
Trying to remember
The last time you
Held me
And I so needed to be held
After the day I had.
After the pain
All I know
All I can say
Is that I remember
How good,
How at peace,
How safe,
I felt
The last time
You wrapped me
In your embrace
And I have missed
That feeling
More than I know
How to express...
And feeling it again
Tonight
Was like an answered prayer
In an otherwise Godless existence
Even though
You probably
Don't remember it...
Even though
You probably didn't know
What you were doing
In the time it took you
To unconsciously
Throw an arm around me
You showed me
A glimpse
Of heaven

Playing My Hand 7/20/13

I've found that lately
I've been crawling out from
The impression I've been under
Slowly
So as not to play
This hand too fast
To show you too many tells
Too many ways
To see me laid bare
Trying to keep my head
As I watch you
Opening up to me
Every day more
It seems...
I fall deeper
And I fear
I'm about to
Show my hand
Before all the cards
Have been dealt

Penance... 7/18/13

I fully understand
That I have been given a gift
In one hand
And a knife to cut my heart out
In the other
I have come to see that
This pain I feel
From missing you
Has been my penance
All along
I have hurt
Everyone I love
With the exception
Of very few
And I am paying the price
For my mistakes
Every time my heart
Gets ripped apart
At the mere mention
Of you
And it's a pain I crave
Like a drug
Because I want to hear about you
About all that you're doing
Saying, and feeling
In my absence...
And I say that it won't be long
Before we're together again
Before you get to meet your
Baby sister
Who's given me such bittersweet joy
Without you to share it with
Without your knowledge of the fact
That you're a big sister now
I know that I don't deserve
Even a moment of happiness
After the hurt I have inflicted
On all of you
And if it makes you feel any better
At all...
Just know that I endure the pain
For all of us
Every time I hear about you
I am undone
Torn up inside
But this agony
Gives me hope

Together... 7/17/13

Eyes open

Heart in hand

I may as well

Lay all the pieces 

Of who I am

On a silver platter

So as to serve it up

To you

I have given you 

The means 

The weapons

That will end me

Should you decide

That I'm not 

The one you want

Not the one

You want to 

Build this beautiful life

That you've created

Standing beside 

So here I sit

Waiting

For the other shoe

To crash into

My world...

But enjoying 

Every moment 

With you

Until it does

Letting Go... 7/12/13

Letting go
Of you
Of this
Is eating a hole in me
Letting go
Of what could have come
Out of the destruction
Of what was
Is keeping me awake
Letting out
The hurt
The disillusionment
The only way I know how
And I find myself
Unable
Unwilling
To produce the sound
Of this pain
Of this hurt

Of letting you go...

The Last Night 7/8/13

This is very possibly
The last night
I will feel you
Moving sweetly
Inside of me
The last night
I will have to
Hold my hand
On my swollen belly
And wonder
Is this a hand?
A foot?
A knee?
I'll be able to kiss
Those hands,
Those feet
Hold you in my arms
Instead of in my body
And nurse you
Give you nourishment
From my own body
I'll finally see
If it's as I've dreamed
To see if you have
Your daddy's blue eyes
My lips, my chin
As it looks in the
Pictures I've been given
In the dreams I've had
As you lay sheltered
Inside of me...
But soon...
To make your entrance
Into my life
Into my world

Right 7/5/13

What is "right"...

Can you tell me the difference

Between right 

And what is meant to be?

Because I've gotten somewhat

Lost along the way...

Guess my view is somewhat 

Skewed

Because I don't see

Right the right way

I don't see the wrong

In a lot

My morals

My values

My way of viewing the world

Isn't what you'd call

Normal

And I am not ashamed

Of the way I've had to live

My crazy life

I've said before

And I'll say again

That these things

These things you'd say

Just aren't right

Are the wrong that made

Me the me you see today

I've had to fight to survive

In a world that most people

Only ever live in

Perhaps I've always been

Just a little wrong

I think sometimes that the

Wrong is buried so deeply in me

That I'll never really know

What "right" feels like 

But it's okay

I may be wrong 

Just a little broken

But I like the person

I've become

While trying to find the

Right

That emerges so slowly

Out of all the wrong.