Mommy 4/28/15

"She's my Mommy!" 

The little girl

Whispers excitedly

At first

And then repeats again

With more force

"Hi Mommy!"

I turn

And see her

Beloved face

And she runs

Into my arms

And she snuggles 

In deep

And she 

Looks at me

With those big 

Beautiful eyes 

And I know 

Peace

I know 

Contentment

Because she has

Shown me 

Something

I never thought

I'd see again....

My own sweet child

Showing me 

That I'm loved

That I'm wanted 

And I'm not giving up 

Not after tonight 

"That's my Mommy!"

"I miss you Mommy!"

"When can you come see me again?"

"Can you come tomorrow?"

"Daddy, can Mommy sit with us?"

And the look in your eyes

When you realized 

We couldn't stay

Please baby, 

I need you to know that 

I would have done

Anything you asked

Were it in my power 

To do so

But it's not up 

To just me

So tomorrow I go again

To try to be a part 

Of your world

Or perhaps

Make one of 

Our own

Where the hurt I saw

In your eyes tonight

Can't find us 

Know How 4/25/15

I sit here wondering

What could make me 

Stop loving 

My daughters

Or stop loving 

My mother 

Or stop loving 

My sister

Or stop loving 

All the rest of the

People I once held

So close to my heart

And the answer flares

In front of me

I guess I just

Don't know how

To do it 

I wonder what could make me

Want to push them out of my life

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Learn about my disease

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Attend one Narc-Anon meeting

Why I wasn't as important to them

As they were to me

I guess I just 

Don't know why

They did it

I sit and remember

All the things that have happened 

That have led me to this place

And I still don't understand how 

A person can just stop 

Loving someone

That gave them life

That birthed you and raised you 

That grew up beside you

And loved you every day 

From then until forever

But I've learned love

Shouldn't come

With a set of conditions

And I wish I'd seen mine 

Before my contract was up

If there is any way to love

That isn't unconditionally 

I guess I just 

Don't know how

Someone Like You 4/7/15

I sit listening to music

And this song comes on

One I've heard a million times

And sung my guts out to

A million and one. 

And yet...

This time...

I listened

And I remembered

And it took on new meaning. 

You see...

I've been missing you 

As of late

Missing how strong you were

When our world fell away

When we lost our angel 

You stood strong

Until you couldn't hold it in

And you did what had to be done

And I don't blame you

Not one bit

I never deserved you 

To begin with

You and Kairi were a dream

I wasn't good or clean enough

To hold

And I still grieve 

For all I had

And all I lost 

When I lost you

You've moved on 

And from all I've been privy to

You're finally happy

And I have peace knowing that. 

Because you deserve it Jason. 

You deserve a good woman 

Who will make your world complete

You deserve to be a daddy 

No matter how it came to be

Now you have that chance and 

I swear to you on our daughters name 

That I wish you all 

Nothing but the best. 

I guess this is my goodbye 

To you... 

Even though you could care less

I need it said 

I need to give it voice 

Because I need to hear it louder 

Than the irrational hope 

That we could mend our 

Fucked up fences

And someday have a friendship. 

That's all I'd ever hope for 

Because in spite of it all

You were always

A friend 

Always someone I knew 

I could trust implicitly 

The last of the true 

Good men in the world 

And it's him I miss the most 

So in the words of Adele, 

"I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited, but I couldn't stay away, I couldn't fight it... I'd hoped you'd see my face and be reminded that to me... It isn't over....

"Never mind I'll find someone like you...

I wish nothing but the best for you... Don't forget me I beg, I'll remember you said sometimes it lasts in love and sometimes hurts in stay."

"Nothing compares no worries or cares regrets and mistakes they're memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this could taste...."

Goodbye Jason

I wish you all the happiness

I couldn't give you

I wish that all the joy of being a father

That I was able to give you so briefly through our Kairi  

Lives on in your new angel.

And I wish you all the love I 

Tried and failed to show you 

Lives in every breath 

In your new relationship. 

Bad Guy 3/19/15

I have always
Taken the blame
For the wrong things
I've done
I'll take the consequences
And deal with the
Aftermath
Of said wrongs
When I do wrong
As most tend to do
I'll tell the truth
And shame the devil

But here
In this instance
If I come clean
If I admit my part
It will hurt someone
I love
So I'll play the
Bad guy
In your
Newly white world
And I'll keep
My lips
Sealed
To the truth

Because playing
The bad guy
Is a role
I know
All
Too
Well

Stasis 3/13/15

I stand here
Overthinking things...
As usual
I bring my bags back inside
I sit down with a cup of coffee
And I allow this feeling
To wash over me...

I've been stood up

Perhaps I'm letting this
Get to me more than I should
But damn it
I haven't felt this way
In a damn long time...
I haven't allowed myself
To hope
That my heart
Could come out
Of it's coma
It's stasis
I put it on the shelf
Beside my baby's ashes
And I haven't allowed
Anyone in
That wasn't already there...
And perhaps it was silly of me
To have allowed myself
The forbidden pleasure
And exquisite pain
Of hope
The childish wishing
Maybe this could be
The beginning of something
I haven't let myself want and
Probably don't deserve

To finding I didn't even
Merit a phone call

My mistake
Was allowing the wanting
To find it's way back inside
My heart
My head
My mistake
Was in making
Something
Out of
Nothing

So I sit here another night
Sucking down my cigarettes
Like I'm giving my hatred head
And allowing this
Bitterness
To flow back
In place of the hope

Dear Daddy 3/1/15

Dear Daddy, 

   I know you won't ever be able to this message.  I know you've left

 this world for the wonders and mysteries that await you in the next life. 

I know you've found out just how wonderful Heaven is and I'm so happy for 

that.  I hope it's everything you had always dreamed it would be and then 

some.  

   I know that you've kept your promise to me Daddy. I know that my 

sweet Kairi is safe in your strong arms that used to pick me up and 

swing me around as a child, and I know she feels just as loved as I 

did.  I have such peace in knowing she is with you, and honestly, 

your promise is what has given me such peace of mind.  I don't 

know where I'd be right now if you hadn't given me that gift before 

you passed. 

   I have peace in my heart now thanks to you, but it doesn't stop me

from missing you.  I know that I won't ever stop wishing I had been 

more of a daughter to you.  A more dutiful daughter.  More active in 

your life.  There is so much about your life that I wasn't privy to and 

I wish I'd made more of an effort to learn more about you.

   I wish I'd made you proud

   Instead of being such a disappointment

   Being such a failure

   But you never made me feel that way.  You never made me feel like 

I wasn't a part of you, like the outcast that I'd always cast myself as.  You

had the innate ability to break right through all my defenses and reach 

deep inside me to find the child I never got to be.

   And I miss that

   Because I don't fit

   Anywhere but with you. And lately, I feel like I'm just playing the

waiting game... waiting for the time I get to join you and my Kairi, and 

sometimes... just sometimes... I want to call the game before I have to face

the outcome... but I know that if I did, I'd become the disappointment I 

always feared I already was.  I know I would finally see shame on your

beloved faces.  

   Shame I know I richly deserve

   Shame I am trying daily

   To live down

   Please know I love you, I miss you, and I pray daily that you have 

the whole family around you and that Kairi is making Heaven a brighter

place with her light that I miss so much. 

   I miss you more than words could ever ever properly say... and I love you 

more than I can physically express. 

Love Forever and Ever, 

Your "Bre-ba" 

In Memory of Linda Cafferillo 2/24/15

I hear the splinters form

And I begin to shatter

As I stand 

Numb

Eyes filled with sorrow

Threatening to spill over

As I learn

Of the loss

Of yet another

So dearly loved

So cruelly taken

And lost to me

But I have something of yours.... Something that even as greedy

As final

As heart wrenching as 

Death

Can not take away 

From me

The way you would smile at me

The way your eyes

Would glow

With love and pride

When you spoke to me

Of your children 

Your grandchildren

And how they were your

Greatest achievement 

The way your hand fit

With my own

And the way 

You could make 

The whole world

Fall away

With just a word

A touch

Nobody but you

Has ever come close

To melting this ice I've 

Formed around my heart

And grows colder still

Inside my chest

Consumed 2/20/15

I sit alone
And thoughts
Consume me...
Thoughts of love
That I have decided
Just isn't for me...
Love that makes you
Burn for the touch
Of that one person
I'll never have...
I've never had...

And the echo's of the past
Return with a vengeance
It's not my fault
I did nothing wrong
For once in my life
Something went wrong
That was completely
Out of my hands
And yet I still believe
I am at fault
And always will be

Learning slowly
That nobody
Could have saved me
But me
And I didn't want
To be saved
By anyone
But me
But I chose the
Insanity
That nobody can
Fight
But me

And I am
Consumed

2nd Place 2/10/15

The trumpets sound
And I feel myself
Quickening...
Like I'm rushing
Into something
Forbidden
While standing
Completely still
Naked
On display
Ready for
Inspection
Waiting for
Their dirty hands
To run over my
Body
Searching
For flaws
Like a prized
Animal
At the county fair

Red ribbons
Pounded into
My flesh
Are now
Falling away
Leaving behind
The trailing blood
Left in their wake
Because I was never
Worthy of the blue
Tainted
Before ever being
Given the chance
To deny
The truth
I'm not Grade A
Because I lack
The purity
Needed
To attain
Perfection

Found Wanting 1/25/15

Last night

I dreamed 

That you looked at me

And did not find me

Wanting. 

And then I woke

To a world that 

Always will

And I find myself
Stunned
By all that I
Keep silent
And all that's
Transpired
To bring me
To this place
Of unrelenting
Searching
For the woman I
Could have been
Inside the animal
I've become

What Lies Beneath.... 1/25/15

You don't see
The hate
The disgust
Under my skin
Every time
I see you
Every time
I hear your name
Spoken aloud
Or feel your breath
Poised on the edge
Of every lie
You tell yourself
To keep it all
Moving forward
Toward oblivion
You don't see
My hopes die again
With every pull of the pipe
And every illusion
Shattered
You look at me
And see someone
Who has made nothing
Out of something
And you applaud my
Genius
For speaking in riddle
What I should just
Shout aloud

You don't see my
Revulsion
At what lies
Beneath

Facebook Repeat~1/22/15

Something I saw on Facebook tonight that I felt deserved to be put up here...

I applaud the authors honesty....

I NEED TO GET HIGH,

I am not your child, or spouse, or friend. I’ve changed. I don’t belong to you any more. I don’t care about you. Not in the way you want me too. I care about getting high. I WANT to get high. I will do ANYTHING to get high. I LOVE getting high. I NEED to get high.. and I will step over you to do it. When I look at you, I don’t see YOU. I see a means to an end. You have money. I want it. End of story. I don’t care if you can’t pay the rent. I don’t care if you need groceries. I don’t care if you promised you wouldn't give me money again. I don’t care if you lie to Dad. I don’t care if you’re broke. Sell your rings, take a loan, sell your electronics, max out your credit cards, borrow the money from someone else, because if you don’t, I will STEAL it. I WILL find a way to get HIGH. You think you can CHANGE me, or SAVE me. You are WRONG! Something cold and dead slithers within me. I no longer respond to love or truth. You can CRY all you want. I don’t care. I have no integrity or values. My morals are a thing of the past. I will say anything, do anything, and hurt anyone, to get my next FIX.
Although I may play the game with you, make no mistake. I don’t play it because I LOVE you, I play it because I want my DOPE. I will say what ever you want to hear, I will promise you the world, I will look you in the eyes, and I WILL break your heart. Over and over again. I don’t have a heart any more. I have a HUNGER. It’s calculating and manipulative, and it OWNS me.
In a strange way you’re thankful for this hunger. For when I feel it coming on, I find you, quick! Then when I've gotten what I want from you, I leave. You’re anxious without me. You offer to buy my food, or pay my rent. You always GIVE me something.
By now, you’re NEED is almost as great as mine.
I can’t stay SICK without you. You can’t breathe without ME.
You think you’re helping me. You believe you’re making a difference, but what you’re really helping… is my ADDICTION.
I won’t tell you this, but you know it, deep down.
If we keep going like this, one or both of us will die. Me from an overdose, that you paid for, and you from a heart attack, or stroke.
You’ll wait YEARS for me to change, or see the light, and I take full advantage of this.
You keep my secrets and protect my lies. You clean up my messes and bail me out. You love me to the exclusion of EVERYONE else.
You are bitter and resentful. You hide from your friends and isolate. You HATE.
Your world revolves around one thing only… ME.
But will your LOVE ever become greater than your FEAR? Would you be strong enough to reach out for help? Will you learn to say NO and mean it? Will you allow me to experience the consequences of my actions? Will you LOVE me enough to feel your own discomfort and stop enabling my addiction?
I lay trapped with within the confines of this cold dark, serpent – addiction, and I am… dying.

Written by:

Lorelie Rozzano
www.jaggedlittleedges.com

That Girl 1/19/15

She's the one that makes you sneer 

When you think of her

The one that you've all looked at

And found wanting

The one you created 

Some truly heinous lies about

To make yourself feel better

About your stupid choices  

As

Of

Late

But thankfully 

I'm not that girl

The one that will find out

Sooner or later 

That you rushed in 

And now want nothing more

Than to rush out

With every cry 

In 

The 

Night 

That isn't

Hers

Trifecta 1/3/15

Nights like these
Restless
Relentless
As the memories of
The ones I've loved
And lost
Burn through me
And I remember...

His smile...
His sexy lips that I never wanted to stop kissing
The way we ended and then began again
As something more than lovers
Like survivors of a war
Looking to the other
For solace...
And you gave me so damn much
I could say anything to you
And you understood
Like nobody else I've ever known
Until that day...
When the world lost
Your light
The day I had to walk up to your casket
And see you lying there...
So still
So cold
Eyes closed
Lips frozen against mine
And I left part of my soul
In that box
Beside you

Her innocence...
Her tiny fingers
Holding onto mine
As she lay in my arms
My child
My chance to be
The best momma
A little girl could ever have
I carried her inside me
For nine months
I sheltered her
I loved and protected her
She put a light into my life
That I know I never deserved
That I know was the sweetest
And most precious gift
I would ever receive

But damn God,
Why did I have to give her back
So fast...

The only comfort I have
In the sea of despair
In which I've drowned
Since the morning I woke up
And realized
That she had left me
In the night
Was that the last thing she felt
Was my arms around her
Holding her safe
The last sound she heard
On this earth was
The heart of a mother
That will beat for her
Until time stops
Until the day
She's in my arms
Again

And then there's you...
The man who started out
My father in childhood
And ended as
My Daddy
The man that saved me
From me
More than once
The man that gave me hope
That I could maybe
Someday
Be the girl
He always believed
I could be
But I could never see...
The day I sat at his feet
As he lay ravaged from the cancer
In his hospital bed
And he made me a promise
That I know he keeps still
To take care of my Kairi for me
When he got to heaven
And then the morning I walked in
And found him there
But already far away from me
Already in heaven
Keeping his word
His hands still warm
Just minutes too late
To say goodbye
So I held him
And cried on his chest
Because I wasn't ready
To lose my Daddy
To lose one of the last
Of my loved ones
Who believed in me
Who was proud of me
In spite of all the wrong
I've done

It's nights like these
When the trifecta of grief
Becomes an ocean
When the loss of such
Light
Has me lost in the dark
And praying
For the
Dawn

End Game 12/28/14

So many people
Look down on me
For the things
I have done
And instead of
Playing their game
Of who's better
Than who
I've tried to
Turn the other
Cheek
But I find
That when I do
I miss the swing
Of the knife
As it arc's
Toward my
Back

I'm just tired
Of playing
Of paying
Of fighting
When the battle
Has already been lost
I'm starting from
Nothing
And watching each step
So that my
End game
Can come
To light

And what an
End game
It is

Looking In... 12/16/14

Outside
Looking in
That's me
Always the one
Watching others
Have their
Happy little lives
While I stand
Cold
Allowing the
Winter to
Freeze me
Through

Sidelined
Put here because
I fucked it all up
Me
All by myself
The choices
I've made
Were never taken
Lightly
Never taken
For granted

Until I realized
What I took
For granted
Was Me
Who I could have been
Who I was meant to be
I've finally come
To terms with
The glaring truth

I'm not allowed
To have happy
To have trust
To have love
To have comfort
To have a home...
To have a family

These are things
I crave
Like I crave
My next breath

But things
I'm not allowed
To hold
While I stand
On the outside
Looking in....

The Line 12/5/14

The line
Extends
White
Dissented
On her inner thigh
One of many
Like a fresh
Sheet of lined paper
Waiting for the writer
To begin her tale
Of woe
The scars
From her attempts
To focus
Her pain
Because it becomes
So all encompassing
That if she doesn't
Cut down deep enough
It won't stop
It won't ever end
And now
Her scars
Have prepared
An archive
For her to begin
Her letter
Of farewell
To life
Written in blood
On skin

"You Go Girl" 12/5/14

I have a little something to bitch about... something that's been eating me for a few days now. Something that if left unspoken will eat a hole in me and there are far too many of those already.

I value true friends
I value them to the point
Of calling them family
I value open and honest people
People who aren't afraid to be up front
Honest
People who have gone out of their way to help me
Just as I have done for them
I've kept their secrets
They've kept mine
They aren't afraid to tell me
Just how shit stands
Like a woman
Face to face
Instead of on Facebook
For others to read and comment on
Without knowing both sides
People who value me
Just as I value them
People I would die for

It's for friends like those
I would walk through fire
It's for friends like those
I'd be their biggest ally

I've had friends like those
The ones that become so important
So close to your heart
That when they allow
Petty material shit
To get in the way of that friendship
Are the same ones
That when they decide you aren't worth
Their time or their consideration
The common decency to keep
Your business off of Facebook
Make me feel
I have to reconsider
The friendship
Because people I call friends
Don't put my private business
Out there for the world to see
Because I prefer to keep my dealings
Out of the public eye
And anyone that claimed to be my friend
To be my family
Knows this about me
And decided to completely disregard it
For a few "atta boy's" and "you go girl's"
Because nobody who wanted to remain
In my life
Would do such a thing
Right?

Letter to JM 11/6/14

I see

Your beloved face

In pictures 

I wasn't meant 

To see 

Because you 

Despise the very

Air I breathe 

Because of all the

Rotten memories 

That have now 

Overshadowed 

The good 

I understand 

You're reticence 

Your unwillingness 

To allow such an

Unfaithful foe

Back into 

Your world

Into your confidence 

Even your acquaintance

No matter what 

Steps I work 

Or how much 

A person can change 

I can't erase the memories 

Of how badly I have 

Let you down 

That have gotten us

To this season of silence 

But it doesn't change 

The sound

Of my heart

Shattering inside

My chest

No matter how

Deserving 

I am of 

This agony

I still miss you 

With every breath

With every tear

I shed 

At this loss

And even If

You never let me 

Back into your life 

I will be watching 

I will be loving

And I will be waiting 

Hoping

Should your step 

Ever falter back

In my direction 

Painful Steps 11/5/14

I write these words on paper 

So that they 

Take form

Made substantial 

By simply flowing ink

On white

I wish

More than anything

I could show them 

So that you could feel 

The power behind them 

So that you could feel

The way I do 

When I see them

These steps

Sounds simple 

From the lay mans point of view

But I stand here 

Poised on the edge of beginning

The Fourth Step

And to do so

I must look at something

I've been running from

For so long I have almost 

Forgotten how it began

I have to write these words 

On paper

And stake myself out

Naked 

And admit

For God, another human 

And most frighteningly 

Myself

The exact nature 

Of my wrongs 

And there are so many

So much 

I haven't even acknowledged 

Let alone admitted 

That soon this blank canvass 

Will fill

With all the dirty little secrets

I've had hidden inside

So I write these words

On paper

And I wish 

The pen wasn't so heavy, filled 

With all the wrongs

For which now 

I must atone