Forgiveness Denied 1/24/16

Today
I stand two years
Clean and sober
And I ask myself

How long
Is long enough

How much more
Time has to pass
Before I'll be able
To be trusted enough
To hold you again?

I ask myself
Constantly
If I'm doing the
Right thing
By stepping back
Until I have more
Clean time
Under my belt
If waiting until
They're older and
Able to make they're
Own choices is
The right way to handle
This situation...

And I ache
From this hollowness
Inside me
Without you
In my life

It makes it so much
Harder to hold
On to hope...

But I won't let go....
Not never

I will be right here
Waiting for you
Loving you always
And holding onto
Hope

Sister Kat 12/31/15

I had to write to you and tell you that you still have the ability to blow me away and make me BAWL every time I hear you sing.... I'd have to say that Hello would be my song for you.... Because I know you don't want to hear from me.... Don't want me anywhere near your life now...
But for some reason, I can't give up hope.... I think about you all the time... Remember all the stupid things we did as kids...
I've been on the outside looking in for some time now, and its killing me. 

So hello from the other side...
I must have called a thousand times
To tell you I'm sorry
For everything that I've done
But when I call you
Never seem to be home

Hello from the outside
At least I can say that I tried...
To tell you I'm sorry,
For breaking your heart,
But it don't matter
It clearly doesn't
Tear you apart
Anymore...

But it still eats me alive
To see what I've done
To you
To my children
To my Mother
To my family...
And I know
That sorry
Will never be
Enough

Kaleidoscope 4/14/16

Sweet
Kaleidoscope eyes
The first and most
Amazing and wonderful
Moment of my life
Was the day you were
Born
The day you came into
My world
And changed
Me forever

I remember that
Day like it was
Yesterday

That day
I woke up at
3am
Because my
Water had
Broken
Your Mema
Had already
Known somehow
And was already
Ready to roll
Many hours passed...
Moments of such
Agony that only a
Woman can know
Were forgotten
In the space
Of a breath...
Your first...

It was in that moment....
When they laid you on my belly
While your Mema cut your
Umbilical cord
That I felt,
For the first time
The ferocity
Of love
Of a mother
For her daughter....

No matter what distance
Lies between us
Or what obstacles
Are placed in our path
I will never stop
Loving you
As I have  done
Every day of your life
And will continue to do
Every day of mine...

I dreamed of you
Last night
And it was so real
So vivid
That when I woke
It was in tears
Still reaching
For you
You were angry
You refused to give
Even an inch
And as I turned
To honor your wishes
And stay away,
You ran into
My arms
And looked straight at me
With those amazing
Kaleidoscope eyes
And told me that you
Loved me still

No matter what separates us now
Know that I will always be here

Praying that one day
This one dream
That I have left
Will come
To fruition

Spill 12/14/15

When I sit here
And think about
All the lives I've lived
All the people I tried to be
All the loved ones I've let down
And how badly I've failed....
It makes me want to take
The knife out of my
Back and use it
Up and down my
Forever empty arms
And watch the
Blood spill
Out of me
And make even more
Of a mess
Than I already
Have....

Last Night 12/13/15

Dearest Jillian,

Last night,
I had a dream...
Of you
And me
Relived a memory
Of us
Riding down the road together
Playing our music
Smiling at each other
The day you came
To spend time with me
And have me make you a CD

And it made me remember
The morning I woke up to your
Sweet smile and your tiny hands
When you were a baby... I snagged The video camera and recorded you... To remember that morning
When I was bathed in
The love of a child for
Her mother

And I wake to find myself
In a world
Where you no longer
Have that love for me
Because of my selfish
Choices...
And I finally understand
The why...

And I hate me just as much
As you do...

Anymore 12/13/15

I can't seem to
Believe in much
Anymore
Can't seem to
Make  myself feel
Make my life real...
Can't seem to
Find me
In the mess
I've made
And when night
Falls around me
And the guilt and shame
That plagues me takes
Hold I find myself
Choking on the
Laughter I can
Not produce
And trying desperately
To remember
Better days
That I guard
So selfishly
Inside a heart
That I have
Killed
So thoroughly
That I don't believe it
Can be reborn.
But then again,
I don't believe in much
Anymore

Unforgivable 12/2/15

Sometimes
I allow myself
The unforgivable...
When I let myself
Dream
Of a world
In which
I never
Lost
Any of
You ...

And it is so
Foreign
So unthinkable
That I make myself
Promise
Never to
Go to that
Place again....

Because from
Where I stand,
A world like that
Can never be
Allowed
For someone
Like me

Someone the world
Has shown
One too many times
Is unlovable
Unclean and
Unworthy
Of such
Grace...

Belong 12/1/15

I sit here lost

Spending another night

Reacquainting myself 

With Insomnia, 

With Insanity

With this 

Ache

Burning through

My guts

And

Scalding 

Whats left 

Of my soul....

Driving the point home

Once again

I 

Do 

Not

Belong

Anywhere

It's a cold world

Out here

When you 

Find yourself

Facing a future

Alone...

So cold

I fear

I'm going to 

Shatter 

Under the 

Unforgiving weight

Of my mistakes...

And It's getting colder

By the moment

Hole 11/2/15

There is a hole
Inside of me...
So deep
I can hear the
Echos
Of my failures
Coming back
To embrace me
Over
And
Over

There is a chasm
Of pain
That grows
Ever wider
Every day
Every hour
That passes
Since I last
Held you
Tight
So
Tight

I'm swimming
In the choices
I've made
Should I fight
Should I wait
Like they want
Should I put you
Through the fight...
Or wait until you're
Older and can
Make your own
Choices....

I'm looking for help...
Guidance
And finding only
Holes

Becoming 10/30/15

I don't think
I like
The person
I've become
Somewhere
Along the road
I've stumbled down
I think
I lost
My soul
Because without you...
Without any of you...
I am
Lost inside
This misery
Of my own
Making
I've gotten so
Lost
So cold
That I almost
Fear
Who I'm
Becoming....

One of Those Nights 10/25/15

Having one of those nights
Where I miss a life
That no longer wants me
Missing the girl
I tried so hard to be
And failed so
Miserably

Missing the life I had.
Missing my children
About as much as they
Now despise me.
Missing the woman who
Woke up smiling everyday
That I have never been

I find myself sinking
Into the madness of me...
Hoping like hell
That this time
I'll drown
Because I've successfully
Lost everyone I care about
And not one of them
Would even mourn me
Anymore

How 10/5/15

How do you begin
To make amends?

How do you
Begin to heal
The pain?

I want nothing more
Than to have been
Able to be there
With you
For you
Because I know
You were scared
Even though I know
How strong you are.

I know I miss you
I know I think about you
Every single day
I know I can't stop
The tears that fall
Every time I think of you
Laying in a hospital bed
And telling them that
You didn't want me
To know
You didn't want me there.
When you went through
Something that big
Something that life altering.
Something that could have
Taken you away from me
Forever

I have lost one child
That I will never hold again
If there truly is a God
Somehow
Somehow
I will hold you again

Un-Sweet 8/18/2015

My hope for you
Is that you have all
That you dream of .
That your day was special
That your life is blessed.
I know you don't want me
To have anything to do
With you
But my heart
Can't seem to
Forget
Doesn't want
To forget
That once upon a time
Sixteen years ago
I had a little girl
That I could have held
In my arms for hours
The day you came
Into my life
A beautiful little girl
With kaleidoscope eyes
Who stole my soul
In the space of a breath
You were mine and I was yours
And in that moment
We were all that mattered

I love you
And miss you
And pray daily
That someday
We can make this right

Wraith 7/5/15

I am
Cold and
Unrelenting
Embittered
By the hand
I've been dealt
I'm unable to
Find a light
In my world of
Darkness
My world of
Pain
They say that
Time would heal
This wound
But they lied
It's become a
Monster that has
Overcome and
Enveloped all my
Demons
It's become the
Agony that
Sits at the corner of
My lips
That turns my smile
Into a sneer
That makes every
Chance of joy
Die a swift and
Violent death
That takes my
Ability to hope
And kills it
I don't understand
How something so sweet
Something so beautiful
So innocent
Could take a woman
Who once believed
In second chances
And turn her
Into a wraith
A vile shrew
Who's bitterness
Has become
Her reason
To live

Ashes 5/31/15

There

Sitting on a shelf

In a pretty pink 

Marble urn

Are the ashes

Of a life

The ashes of 

A miracle

I wasn't supposed

To have

A sign of hope 

That was never 

Meant to be mine

So she was called home

And all I have left

Are the ashes

The ashes 

Of all my hope

All my love

All my heart and

All my soul

Are there...

In that box

In ashes

Falling Away 7/10/15

I feel it all
Just slipping away
Like I'm standing in the rain
Trying to catch the raindrops
And I'm losing it all
Bit by bit
Feeling it all
Slipping through
My fingertips
I think I got
Too close
To having
The life
I never believe
I deserved
So close
That when it all
Fell away
I was left
Trying to hold on
To a yesterday
That no longer
Wants me

Someday 5/11/15

Do you not see
What I see?
Can't you see
Where this path
Of hatred and
Misery ends?

Someday
Our
Daughter
Will
Hate
You

Someday,
She'll be able to see
All the texts
All the calls
Every attempt
That I've put forth
To simply be
A part of
Her life

Someday,
She'll read
Every bit of
Malice,
Every vicious
Slur
Every ounce
Of bitterness
That you've
Thrown out
Not in her defense
But to make yourself
Feel better for the
Wrongs of the past
And YOU will
End up
Choking on
The ashes
Of the destruction
You've incited

When she sees that
HER DADDY
KEPT HER MOMMY
AWAY

She will hate you for it....
Can't you see that?

Seven 5/5/15

She's gotten so tall

So lanky

Skinny and 

Sweet

She smiles 

And the world 

Can't help 

But smile with her

She turns seven today

And no matter how many 

Texts 

No matter how many

Voice messages 

I've sent

Or how much I've 

Begged and threatened 

I'm still

Not allowed

To spend it

With her

I have court backing

And still

He's kept us apart

Still puts me in this 

Story as a monster

But I don't see it that way

And from the looks of things

Neither does she

So Happy Birthday 

My Sweet Irelynd

Mommy does love you

And wish she was here

No matter what anyone

May say to the contrary

Mommy 4/28/15

"She's my Mommy!" 

The little girl

Whispers excitedly

At first

And then repeats again

With more force

"Hi Mommy!"

I turn

And see her

Beloved face

And she runs

Into my arms

And she snuggles 

In deep

And she 

Looks at me

With those big 

Beautiful eyes 

And I know 

Peace

I know 

Contentment

Because she has

Shown me 

Something

I never thought

I'd see again....

My own sweet child

Showing me 

That I'm loved

That I'm wanted 

And I'm not giving up 

Not after tonight 

"That's my Mommy!"

"I miss you Mommy!"

"When can you come see me again?"

"Can you come tomorrow?"

"Daddy, can Mommy sit with us?"

And the look in your eyes

When you realized 

We couldn't stay

Please baby, 

I need you to know that 

I would have done

Anything you asked

Were it in my power 

To do so

But it's not up 

To just me

So tomorrow I go again

To try to be a part 

Of your world

Or perhaps

Make one of 

Our own

Where the hurt I saw

In your eyes tonight

Can't find us 

Know How 4/25/15

I sit here wondering

What could make me 

Stop loving 

My daughters

Or stop loving 

My mother 

Or stop loving 

My sister

Or stop loving 

All the rest of the

People I once held

So close to my heart

And the answer flares

In front of me

I guess I just

Don't know how

To do it 

I wonder what could make me

Want to push them out of my life

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Learn about my disease

Why they couldn't be bothered to 

Attend one Narc-Anon meeting

Why I wasn't as important to them

As they were to me

I guess I just 

Don't know why

They did it

I sit and remember

All the things that have happened 

That have led me to this place

And I still don't understand how 

A person can just stop 

Loving someone

That gave them life

That birthed you and raised you 

That grew up beside you

And loved you every day 

From then until forever

But I've learned love

Shouldn't come

With a set of conditions

And I wish I'd seen mine 

Before my contract was up

If there is any way to love

That isn't unconditionally 

I guess I just 

Don't know how