Thursday, July 24, 2014

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 
I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 
What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 
I miss you. 
I love you. 
And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

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