Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Epilogue 1/1/14


So it looks as if you're going to be able to finish this year out with a bang!  Getting rid of things you don't need, spring cleaning just a bit early I guess.

And I just so happen to be what you're throwing away once again.                          
Do you have any idea what that does to a person?  Making them feel like garbage, especially after everything we've been through this past year.  Two weeks before my 34th birthday, we lost our daughter, and two weeks before your 35th, you're ending the last tether to the woman who loved you just as you are, didn't try to change you or ask you to do much more than pay a bit of attention to me in the evenings after you got outta work, have dinner with me and talk out your day with me... to let me in, which you couldn't or wouldn't do.  The woman who carried your one and only child inside of her in spite of the sickness because I knew how badly you wanted to be a father, the woman that loved, cherished, and felt the same agony and despair that you did when she was taken back to heaven; and the woman who wanted nothing more than to heal with you.  I'm sure you're probably thinking that I set out to get pregnant again right after losing our angel, but you couldn't be more wrong.  I couldn't handle the absolute terror any more than you could have, so think again.  I had/have no intention of trapping you or fucking your pristine world up.  You've asked me before, "what do you want from me", and I'll tell you here... in black and white.
Jason, you gave me things that nobody else could have when we met back in September of 2012.  You gave me peace, security, and a place to heal up a bit from the road I'd been on.  Being with you was truly a God send.  I suffer from no illusions of grandeur... I am well aware it wasn't about love back then.  I'm also not pathetic or ignorant enough to believe that the reason you kept me as long as you did was for anything other than Kairi.  For some reason we were put together.  I foolishly fell in love with you... at first because of the physical end and the peace inside you gave me every time I was in your arms.  I fought it at first, tried not to do just what I did... I gave you my heart and tonight you've given back what's left after it was chewed up, spit out, and shattered upon impact.
Perhaps I deserve this Jason.  I did you wrong... I don't deny that there was an infidelity.  Someone who was telling me all the words of love that I wanted to hear from you and they were just as much bullshit as they would have been if you'd bothered saying them yourself.  I believed we'd worked things out and were moving on with our life together and we concentrated on getting ready for Kairi's birth.
The day she was born I met the Jason I'd only seen glimpses of from behind the wall you've erected around yourself... you let it down and you let her in.
And now... you've bricked yourself back up
To shield yourself from letting yourself
Feel this, heal this, with me...
And so I write our
Because you've pushed me away so fully
There's no going back
But I need to take this last chance

To thank you
To tell you that
The child you gave me
Was a miracle
And with or without you
With or without her

I'll continue to love you
For her
Because she wouldn't want to see this Jason
This disaster we've become...
Someone recently told me my child wouldn't want to look down from heaven and see her momma hurting this badly.. She wouldn't want to think she was the reason my life has become so cold...
So I'm going to do something to make it better... with or without you...
I was praying for with
And find myself without  

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