Thursday, January 9, 2014

Letter to Kairi Alina McGowan 1/9/14

Pencil Drawing of Kairi (Gift to her Daddy)
My Sweet Angel

     I've been trying so hard.... to make myself closed off from feeling anything... because all I want to feel Is you... In my arms
Where you belong
     Instead I feel cold inside... my womb is just another empty chamber inside this body that has become my tomb...
     It's sad sometimes... how people don't seem to see the rage, the anger and the pain inside me... behind my eyes... this decimation that has become my world... this body nothing but a torture chamber without your sweet weight on me... in me...
     I keep trying to remember you alive in my arms... like the first night I had you home from the hospital... how your Daddy loved to hold you! He held you so tenderly, so gently in his work roughened hands... I will never forget that night... how we both had to fight to sleep because we didn't want to take our eyes off of you... how I couldn't let you lay in your crib so I laid you on my chest...
For the first time...
Memorial Tattoo 
And felt your little body burrow
Into my breast,
To find your sweet spot... the spot that for the first few weeks of your life, you slept so sweetly... because I was afraid to put you down. The reason Mommy got the tattoo done by our friends Charlie & Carrie Bloss (who did such a good job in honor of your memory... Thank you so much Charlie & Carrie!!!) Jason, and I are the only ones who have this tattoo, and the only ones who ever will.  It was placed right on the same spot your little head would rest on me when we laid together at night.... Right above my left breast, where I could bend down and smell the sweet scent of your hair.  This gift was one of the sweetest we were given in your memory.... This footprint was taken from your birth ID card... it was done perfectly... and I am honored to have this beautiful memorial forever on my skin...

Big Sister Jillian & Baby Kairi
     Kairi... do you know that your Daddy and I almost named you Kaileigh?  When I told your big sister Jillian she scrunched up her nose at me and said "come on Mommy, there are way too many of those... I think you should name her Kairi... It means Ocean in Japanese"
And that was it...
Your big sis gave you your name...
Momma with her Sweet Angels
Your sister would come see you and the minute she walked into the house she would put her arms out and tell me, "gimme gimme gimme." How the first time she held you she fell in love with you too, and you two were so sweet together!!!
Mommy & Irelynd @ 1 Month Old
You also have another big sister... but circumstances being what they are, you were never able to meet her... and she was never told about you... Her name is Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and it's almost scary how much the two of you look alike! Irelynd's Daddy and I agreed that when Irelynd is a little older and is able to understand... I will be able to see her again, and when that day comes, I will make sure she knows she was a big sister and that she her beautiful baby sister is now her Guardian Angel in heaven that watches over her and loves her even though they never got to meet.

Mommy & Kairi @ 1 Month Old

     I can't express how much I miss you baby... Sometimes I think that losing you was the last crack my heart could handle... but life seems to be throwing more stones at my glass house... and the walls are shattering around me.
     I feel very lost without you.  I can't sleep without having nightmares of losing you again and again... so I find that I avoid sleep... until I can't stay awake and pass out from exhaustion.  I am trying so so hard to remember only the good memories...
Kairi Excited to See Her Daddy
     Like how we'd take a blanket and go lay on the lawn in the shade and you would watch the clouds with Momma.  How excited you'd get when we heard you Daddy pull in the yard
    How you named your little stuffed Chihuahua "agee".. and every time I'd change your little hiney you'd stare at "agee" and talk to him... How Daddy would help give you a bath but after he made me be the "bad guy" and put lotion on you and dress you in your little nightgown... oh you hated being naked!!!, and as soon as you were dressed and dry, he'd come take you and sit with you and snuggle you until bedtime.
     There is nothing I have found that helps me with this pain besides being able to talk with your Daddy... but he no longer wants me in his life... I have excepted the fact that everyone I love is probably better off without me in their lives right now.  And knowing that I can't see Irelynd yet... and Jilly is having a hard time seeing me since you've been gone..... and knowing that no matter what I do... How hard I pray.... How much I hurt and bleed and tear my heart apart... I will never hold you again.... I will never have back the peace, the sense of FINALLY being where I belonged... In a home, with our little family... Daddy, Mommy, and Kairi... Sir William, Lady Molly, and Sir Liam the Fearless...  I have lost you all... and now I have never felt this empty and cold inside...
Sir William & Sir Liam the Fearless 
Lady Molly

Our First Family Picture
I don't know how I could have survived if it weren't for your sweet Aunt Connie. Oh Kairi, how she loved you so!!! She was there every step of the way for you and Momma... She was there almost every day you were growing inside me... She was there through every false alarm... She waited and dreamed and loved you before she ever met you. She was the one that stayed by Momma's side as she fought to push you out and into our arms, and she was there when you were born... when they put you on my belly and we got to see you finally for the first time... with tears in her eyes and snapping pictures... she was there with us and she was aching to finally be able to hold her sweet new niece.
The First Picture of Kairi taken by her Sweet Aunt Connie
Kairi at 5 minutes old.. Picture taken by Aunt Connie
Your Aunt Connie and Momma Cindy (Dramma to you baby) have given me more love and more hope that I don't have to do this alone... Without a family to call my own... In my darkest moment... I found a family of my own that embraced us and showed me more love, more acceptance than I'd ever been given.

Momma Cindy (Dramma)
Aunt Connie & Kairi

Rii loving Aunt Connie's Chest 

Kairi Alina McGowan's First Big Smile!!! Sweet Sweet Angel!!!
 The night I lost what was left of the life I'd had with you and your Daddy... when I was ready to end my life... to fall away... they wouldn't let me... and the night that Daddy put me out of his life, your Aunt Connie and your Dramma came and gave me a new life... a new home... for you and me... They gave me a place to heal and a family that accepts me and truly loves me for who I am... faults and all... something no one has ever truly done...
Mommy & Sweet Angel Kairi
I have lost my sweet Kairi... I can't hold her anymore, nor can I feel her in my arms or hear her baby babble talk... I have lost everything... and in that moment, I was given one of the greatest gifts I'd ever been given... A family that truly loves me, the grieving me... the crazy me... the girl who's truly fucked up everything she's ever done and is still alive and breathing for some reason that I can't even fathom at the present time..
Kairi's Hospital Pictures taken at 1 day old!

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