Happy New Year baby... I sit here wondering to myself if you like your new home... If you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know that you would be 26 weeks, almost six months old right now had you stayed here with us? I think about that all the time... How you'd be rolling over and sitting up on your own by now... how long would your hair be? Could momma and Aunt Connie have given you little palm tree pigtails by now?
I would give anything to be able to have had those milestones with you.
I talked to your Daddy tonight and the one thing we agree on the most is that we are just as head-over-heels in love with you weather you're here to hold or our angel in heaven. You are so loved and so cherished that it took your momma a little while to get her head back on somewhat straight... but I've decided it's time to try and put my life back together.
I still have my moments, when I hold your tiny outfits or I sit with your picture and wonder how heavy you'd be right now. When I can almost feel your tiny, soft head burrowing into my breast... trying to find your sweet spot so you could fall asleep. You looked so angelic when you slept Kairi... That's why mommy and daddy have our tattoo's right where they are on our chests... just above our hearts... right where you would love to fall asleep... weather on momma's soft chest or daddy's fuzzy one... even when you weren't sleeping anymore that morning... when I held your little body in my arms and realized you'd left us in the night when momma wasn't looking... always our angel... always and forever...
I got some very good advice just a few days ago from someone very special... who made me see that what you see when you look down from heaven isn't what I want you to see. I don't want you to look at me and feel like it's somehow your fault that I am still in limbo. I want you to be proud of your mommy... and so I'm getting off this tightrope of emotions I've been walking on. I'm going to try to make you proud of me my tiny love... I'm going to find some way to make your death matter... Raise SIDS awareness somehow... Find a community of people who have lost their angels as well... Find a way to heal this hole in me the right way for a change.
Because I want to see that sweet smile behind my eyes when I battle for sleep at night. I want to be able to close my eyes and be with you, see you at six months old... because if I can't have you in life.... I will live for the nights I'm graced with sleep...
I will love you
Always and forever
And I will meet you
In my dreams
Love,
Momma
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