Insignificant 2/12/13

You don't know me
You don't know what
Hides in the darkness
Of my soul
You have no clue
The rage I hold at times
The way I'm made to feel
Insignificant
The way I bite
My tongue
Until it bleeds
Trying to let you know
What's really in here...

And unable
To choke it out

Quiet Moments.... 2/12/13

Is this for real?
This feeling that
I may have really
Found my place?

Can I trust this?
Is it within my
Grasp?
Because I've never
Felt this way before
I'd never really cared
This much before
About anything
About anyone

But lately...
Just lately...
I feel the distance
In between
What you can't say
And the things
I need to hear

To me
This step
Is enormous
I love you so much
I can't see straight
I don't see things
The way I once did
I can't be the person
I was
Ever again

And this new me
Is someone I don't know
Someone so overwhelmed
With the craziness
The devil has been
Whispering to me
In my quiet moments....

Song To You... 2/7/13

This song is by Nickelback
"Trying Not To Love You"
And I believe it's my new song
For my Jay

You call to me, and I fall at your feet
How could anyone ask for more?
And our time apart, like knives in my heart
How could anyone ask for more?

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

And this kind of pain, only time takes away
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)
And nothing I can do, without thinking of you
That's why it's harder to let you go (That's why it's harder to let you go)

[Chorus]
But if there's a pill to help me forget,
God knows I haven't found it yet
But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to

'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far
Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart
Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor
And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for
'Cause trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more

[Bridge]
So I sit here divided, just talking to myself
Was it something that I did?
Was there somebody else?
When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears
Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear
Said, I've been dying to tell you

That trying not to love you, only went so far
Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart
Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for
We just keep on trying, we could be much more
'Cause trying not to love you
Oh, yeah, trying not to love you
Only makes me love you more
Only makes me love you more

Dear Sylvia A. Richards, 2/6/13

Grandma,

I remember
How soft
Your hands felt
Against my cheek
In my hair

I remember
How sweet
Your voice sounded
When you would tell me
That you loved me
Unconditionally...

And now...
Now I look at
The life I have led
And I wonder
If there is anything
At all
Worth being proud of...

Knowing that you were
Looking down on me
As I shot heroin
Into my veins
Sickens me

Knowing that you saw
Every moment of
Despair
Of pain
And that you were
Witness
To my disgrace
Makes me feel
Filthy inside

I know there is nothing
Besides my beautiful
Children
That I have
To take pride in
And even there
I feel I've failed them
And you've seen
All of it

I am so sorry
For who and what
I have become
But I am trying
So hard
To come back into
The light...

If there is some way
You still watch me
You still see me
And you still love me
Please don't turn away
I miss you so
Especially in moments
Like these...
When your very presence
Would put me at ease...

Please don't give up on me
Please don't turn away in disgust
At what you've seen
Up until this point...

Please keep watching over me
So that I can show you
That you do have someone
In me
To be proud of...

Crazy... 2/5/13

Once again...
I feel like I'm
Just lying to myself
To keep my guts
From pouring out
Onto the floor

Once again...
I feel like I'm
Lost
In my inability
To become
Something more
Than what I was
And what I know
I'll never be

Once again
I've fallen into
My self depreciating
Crazy fucking
Insanity
Like my brain is
On fire
And there's no
Way to stamp it out

Once again
Here I am
Searching
For something
I can not name
Something that
Will make me believe
I'm really here
That I'm really
Someone
I never thought
I could be

Defiled 2/5/13 (Rape/Explicit)

Filthy hands

Holding her 

Face down

Tearing at her clothes

With such determination

With such disgust

I watch them

Defile

A little girl

Who would be

Innocent no more

Watching it

Seemed like minutes

Living it

Has been a nightmare

That never ends

That first thrust

When he took

What should only

Have been given in love

When he took

Her innocence

When he ripped her

Apart

And then traded 

Places with his buddy

While one would 

Violate

The other

Told her

What a dirty little

Slut she was

"Tell me you like it"

They said

"Tell me to fuck you harder"

"You like that bitch"

"You're a nasty little whore now"

And they forced those

Words into her

Just as hard 

As they defiled

Any innocence

She still had

They made her believe

That she was everything

They'd called her

And more

And the memory 

Of what you did to me

Still haunts me

I can still feel you

Fucking the little girl

To death

And replacing her

With this vicious bitch

Who's been defiled

Who's been waiting

To exact revenge

Breath 2/5/13

How fast should I run
How far
Because tomorrow seems
So out of reach
And I spent
So many yesterdays
So fucked up
That I can't believe sometimes
That I should be here
That I should be okay
That I should feel so
Right....
But so wrong
In the same breath

I've never fit
Into the scheme
Of things
I've never felt
Like I belong
I've never before
Found myself
In this moment
So damn uncertain
So damn unclean
So damn unworthy
That I'm thinking
That I should run
Fast and far
Before things get
Too good to
Believe

Home... 2/5/13

Do you know
How it feels
To wake up every day
And know...
Just know...
You're inherently evil..
You're no fucking good
You don't deserve anything
Good or pure this world
Contains..
So you shy away

I know how it feels
To know
With every breath you take
That you don't belong
Anywhere
That you don't adhere
To what society
Deems acceptable...
That you're not right
In any way
That matters

But here I am
Waking up inside
Finally feeling what it is
To feel safe
To feel loved
To feel some acceptance
To know that you've
Handed him your heart
And he won't let it shatter
Under the pressure
I have built up inside...
That he's the key
To what home
Is supposed to feel like

And the door stands wide
Waiting for me to enter...
And I want to
With all my everything...
But I am afraid...
To call it mine
Home is something
Most people take
For granted...
Home is a soft place
To fall
But when I fell
I hit the ground
And created the hole
I had to climb out of
In order to get
Here...

So here I stand
Terrified...
To take that step
To believe in something
To believe in someone
To believe in anything
Terrified
To come home
Because I don't want
To cross that threshold
So bloody
And broken

Gravity 2/1/13

There it is
I feel it now
My feet are finally
On the ground
I breathe you in
And you fill me
Heart and soul
You make me see
You've shown me light
That I never believed existed
The story of us
So much still untold

You've shown me
That I'm no longer
Alone in this fight
You've given me
The ability
To plant my feet
Firmly on the ground
For the first time
Showed me what it's like
To be with someone
Who loves me
For me....
Fuck up's and all

So the laws of
Physics are no longer
What holds me
To the ground
From here on out
You are my gravity
My Jason
I love you
With all of my heart

Paragon 2/1/13

Once upon a time
Not too long ago
I knew this chick
Who knew too much
About things she
Never should have lived

She learned to stop
Hiding from herself
Learned for the first time
Just who she was
And what she was
Hiding inside

And embraced it

And realized who
And what
She really was
And found the
Monster inside
She'd been hiding
For years
The demon that
Lived under her skin

She let it out to play

Once upon a time
There was this girl
This paragon
Of what virtue would
Never be
Once upon a time
There was a scared
Little girl who hid
Behind the lies she
Created
To keep her guts
From pouring out

Once upon a time
That would never be
Again

Dear God 1/25/13

So I need you to talk to me
Stop being so fucking silent
Stop watching me make
All the wrong decisions
And just shaking your head
In disgust...
I get the fucking message
You didn't want me
The many times I tried
To die
So tell me
Why the fuck am I here
Why must I continue to feel
Such rage at you
Such disillusionment
Such disbelief in a God
Who would allow one of his
Children
To stray as far
As you allowed me
To go
Can you please
Just send me a damn message
That I can't deny
Tell me why
You allowed me
To fall this far
I'm sure you thought
You were teaching me
A well deserved lesson
And I have to give it up
To you...
You taught me well
Never to believe
In anything
Never to trust
That God will
Intervene...
Because I know now
I get it
Message
Received

Letter to My Rapist 30 1/25/13

I want nothing more

Than to forget

That you exist... 

Nothing more than 

To eradicate this

Feeling inside of me

This darkness

You used 

To destroy 

A child

In one moment

You created

Something

You never expected...

You created this 

Monster

That lives and breathes

Inside me

Buried deep beneath 

My soul

Staining everything black

So that I can't see 

Past the red haze 

Of my rage

Sometimes I go back there

To that place 

To where you left my childhood

To where you left my innocence

And I still see

The blood 

I still see

I still feel

I still remember

I always will

Because you can't 

Erase

What you did

And what it made me

RAGE 1/25/13

The unimaginable gall of some people
To make assumptions
When they know absolutely
Nothing of the truth

Trying to hurt someone
That you can't hurt
With the bull shit
You're slinging

Here's the flaw
In your grand design...
You are wrong
In every way
A person could
Be wrong

So grow the fuck up
Because you're doing
Nothing more
Than making me ache
To prove it

Swelling 1/21/13

Is it supposed to
Hurt this much
To love someone
Like I love you
Is it supposed to
Ache inside
When you find
You're not as
Desired
In return

My body is changing
Growing every day
Swelling with the
Proof of my love
With the new life
We've made
I couldn't love you
More if I tried

But I feel
Like you're pulling away
And for the life of me
I can't figure out
What I've done
To make this
Happen

I've changed
So much
Not so much for you
As because of you
I've been working
So hard on me
And just lately
I feel
Like it's been
In vain

I'm finding
That no matter
How good
I try to be
It isn't good enough
For you
It isn't clean enough
For you
It isn't enough
It never will be

Embedded 1/20/13

I let you in
And I wonder why
I allowed
Such
Vulnerabilities
In me
Because I let
You in
Too deeply
To remove you

Now I find
It's no longer
Enough
To feel you
Inside me
I need
Your affection
Now
More
Than I've ever
Thought
Possible

I'm not the type
To allow a man
Power
Over me
But you
Somehow
Have
Invaded
Even the parts
Of me
That I thought
I'd hidden...
But I've found
You
Even that
Deeply
Embedded

And you
Terrify
Me

Unstable... 1/18/13

Standing on the
Tightrope
Feet, body,
Arms stretched out
On both sides
Trying desperately
To find my balance
Because this time
I'm working
Without a net

I have nothing,
No one
To catch me
If God forbid,
I fall
Once again

Trying to find stability
In the unstable world
That I made for me
That I created
Out of crazy glue
And what pieces of me
I picked up
Along the way

But even I know
Even I can see
That this tightrope
Is frayed at both ends
And right smack
In the middle
Hangs the noose
That's just waiting
Just aching
For me to fall

Because only
The noose
Is waiting
This time

Kari Strikes Again 1/16/13

"There once was a very litlltle girl
She seemed to me a little doll of my own
So beautiful and so full of life
She'd dance, on the floor, dance across the room and make everyone smile
One day a person made her very sad and my little doll was never the same
She did her best to make herself happy
She tried to make a life, make a family but there was always a hole in her heart she couldn't fill.
When you can't fill the hole with the good stuff, sometimes you fill it with bad things. 
You are so hurt that nothing fills the hurt but bad things. 
A girl, a beautiful girl that danced on her toes is no longer accessible, she's still there inside but lost from damage.
She can come out again, never the same, different and damaged.
She does everything she can to make things right, but "right" sometimes is unattainable when you're lost.
Coming back to "normal" is never a feeling of normal. 
Coming back to your people is never going to be easy or maybe even possible for some.
For my little dolly that danced on her toes...
I will always be there, always love you and be in your corner as long as you're honest and truthful.
I love you and always will....forever!"

*** And she does it again...
       My amazing cousin
       Kari Sue Fitzgibbons-Hampson
       Has captured my heart
       And run with it!!!!
       I loved you with such intensity
       As a child
       And every day, 
       From that one
       To this!!!
***

Letter To My Rapist 29 1/15/13

So here we are again...
I had a conversation
About you today...
And now here you are
Forefront in my mind

When I talk about you
All I can remember
Is the degradation
The pain
Of you
Pushing yourself
Inside of me
Where you never
Never belonged

I have done
"Take back the night" walks
Testimonials about
What you did to me
And it does
It helps
When I let it out
So, here I go again
Talking about it
So that I can heal

I remember
Very clearly
When I woke up
And you were
On top of me
While I lay
Face down
In the dirt
While your buddy
Held me down by the wrists
And the weight of you
Just before
You entered me
You killed me
You filled me with hatred
And you set me loose
On a world
I was never able
To see without
Your darkness
Invading me
From the inside out
Making me feel like
Nothing more than
A dirty
Used up
Whore

And now that things
Have finally gotten
To a point where
I can live without
Your ever present
Memory,
I am proudly moving
Forward...
Even though
You're still there
You're no longer
Part of the demon
Inside of me...
No longer
Holding me down
Holding me back
From having
A real life

Of You, Of Us... 1/15/13

Hiding...
Just under my skin
This beast
This absolute belief
That I am no good
That I am not worthy
Of you
Of us

Gnawing on my
Resolve
To be better
Than this
Animal
This thing I
Created
To eat away
At everything
I loved

So here I am
Starting anew
And I have
Moments
Where all I can think
Is that
I'm wrong
I'm not worthy
Of this
Of you
Of us

Because there's so much
That you still don't know
That lives inside of me
And it hurts,
It aches
Inside of me
On nights like tonight
Nights like tonight

Beyond 1/15/13

Somehow
You've looked beyond
The scars I wear
The guard I thought
Would be there to save me
From someone like you

Someone who could
Look beyond
All that I was
To see all that I am
All that I could be

And now...
When I'm starting to
Learn how life
Is supposed to be
Lived
I'm learning
To look beyond

To look over
The pain
Of my past
And into
What could be
Beyond
The fence...

A look inside
The windows
That I always felt
I was looking into
From the outside

Beyond the
Disillusionment
Of my yesterdays