Blame 3/31/13

How
How do you atone
For the mistakes
That put those you love
In the crossfire

There is no one to blame
But me
No one left
To carry the pieces
When I'm gone

Looking into the eyes
Of your child
And seeing
The deep well of sadness
You dug into her heart
When you fucked everything
So badly that it will
Never be the same
Never just be okay
Never stop hurting

And I never can...
Stop this burning rage
At the injustice of
What I did to us
And sure,
I could blame this one
Or that one
But this one falls
Squarely on my own
Broken shoulders

And I'll never allow
Forgiveness for this one
I'll never allow the blame to lay
In this bed I've made
With anyone but me....
Where it belongs.
Beside me

Memories... 3/31/13

It's times like these
When I miss you the most
When I'm alone
With nothing but
The memory of you...
The memory of having you
In my arms makes me
Scream in agony
For the loss of you
And the exquisite ache
Of having you back in my arms
Where you belong
Seems a million miles
Down this road I've been on
For too long now
Without you
To even believe
That this dream of mine
Can make it to fruition...
This dream of seeing
A face so precious to me
That I can feel myself
Coming undone
Before it's ever a reality
This ache never goes away
Never seems to cease fire
Never stops bleeding
I am missing you so in this
Moment...
When I sit here
Alone
With your memory...

Need 3/30/13

Your hands...
Your work calloused fingers
Running along my jaw
Making fists in my hair
Pulling me flush
Against you
So that I can feel your
Passion rise
And then your mouth
Your lips
Begin the frenzy
That becomes so
Urgent inside me
I could spend hours
Just feeling those lips
Against mine...
Your hands on my back,
Pulling me closer
If it were possible...
And I'm ablaze
When I feel your skin
Warm against my own
Like Adam and Eve
We sin perfectly
Again and again
And I need that sin
Like I need air
Like I need you

Letter to My Rapist 31... 3/30/13

I don't understand

How something small

Just a reference or

Just a blindingly fast memory

Of that night

Can set me back...

It stained me black

And from your invasion

Was born someone

I never thought I'd be

Someone who learned early

That this life was meant 

For nothing more

Than pain,

Nothing more than this 

Broken sense of 

Self...

Whatever that means...

I wonder now

If what you did to me 

Was what broke me

Inside

About the time you chewed 

My cherry to shit

And left me bleeding

My childhood out

In a puddle of your

Sweat and semen

I wonder now

If you look back and remember

What you did.. 

To a child

When you fucked her raw

And let her stumble home

Instead of killing her body

Along with the soul you'd 

Already stained

Because I'm ready

To remind you...

Because every time I run into you

Every time I see your hated face

I want to gut you

I want to watch you bleed out

And play in a puddle of your pain

Like you did to me

Irrelevant 3/30/13

I don't seem to be able
To understand myself lately
To get past certain emotions
Certain situations
I've found myself in...
I don't seem to be able
To put you in a category
To file you away
As something irrelevant
Because you've been forefront
In my mind and on my heart
For so long that I don't know
Where I'd be now if I couldn't
Hear your voice..
Or see those eyes
Gazing into my own
And I feel that I'm losing
Control on myself
My self preservation button
Seems to be broken
Along with my inability
To move ahead
To get past this adoration
Of all you stand for
Of all you fight for
Of all you have become
To me...
I can't make you irrelevant
Anymore than I can make
My heart forget
What is keeping me
Held fast
Where I am

Eye Of My Beholder.... 3/30/13

I feel like I'm inside the dead
Clouded over eyes
Of my beholder...
And I'm fading fast
I'm tired of finding myself
And then learning that I have
Parts of me that I have to keep
Hushed....
Silent
Screaming in the silence
Of the dial tone
Fighting to become someone
Just a little less filthy
Than I know myself to be
Vocal chords becoming so
Shredded from screaming
But nobody hears
Nobody ever hears
Nobody ever sees
Past the dead and milky eyes
Of my beholder
In the mirror

Reverence... 3/29/13

Seeing me
Through your eyes
From your memories of me
Through my darkest days
Now that I am no longer
As dead inside
As I once was
Is a bittersweet
Recollection
Of my pain
Of my struggle
To find the life
I could have had
Inside of the one I now
Possess
Bittersweet because
You saw me then
And knew inside
You could not have saved me
Any more than I could have
At the time
That  you had to sit by
And wait for me
To hit the rocks
To dig my hole in hell
To claw my own way out of
Alone

Knowing now
That you were still there
That you never gave up hope
That I'd one day win the battle
That turned the tide in this war I fight
And that I'd be where I am now inside
Brings me such reverence
For the friend I have in you...
Thank you
For showing me
What a friend
You've always been
And continued to be
Through it all...

3/28/13

I've served my heart to you
On a silver fucking platter
On a bed of broken glass
So eat your fill
But inside I pray
You'll be choking
On the shrapnel
When the dust clears
From the bitter truths
I have learned...

Betrayal.... 3/28/13

How am I supposed to deal with this new pain
This new betrayal....
By someone I valued as much as my own soul
Someone who took my pain,
My past
And used it as a tool
A weapon used to cut me
Straight through the fragile hope
I'd been hiding inside of me
That there was someone out there who could
Love me without reservation
Someone who could see past what brought me here
And accept the woman I have become
Instead of using my agony,
My despair,
As a god damned topic of conversation
To make his move on another...
When I was laid out and unable to fight...

Undercover Queen 3/28/13

Tired...
So tired...
Of feeling like
I'm a fucking play toy
A chess piece
Sitting on the board
The checkered road ahead
Never clear
Never a clean path
Never knowing
Which way I'll be
Yanked around
To amuse you
So I turn myself
Inside out
To keep you from
Sacrificing my journey
To put forth another
More important piece
Than I could have ever been...
But know this....
I may not stand as tall as
She does
But I'm a fucking queen
In disguise

A Lesson On God.... 3/27/13

So I had a conversation this evening....

One that has a new way of thinking

Running around in my head like a 

Beacon in the night.....

Thank you Mrs. Mary Reed McCall

For the lesson you have taught me

Even after I left your classroom

Fifteen years ago...

You are still

Teaching me lessons

That burn inside me...

** After a discussion on Facebook concerning religious views and my lack of belief in religion, in God, due to the things that have happened in my life, I was presented with a new view this evening that blew me away, and I have to thank you Mrs. McCall.. You've really given me something to think about tonight.... **

You have comforted me in so many ways.... 

Thank you so much for your wisdom and your ability to school me even after all this time... as far as I'm concerned, you are an amazing woman who deserves all the good this world has to offer.... Thank you again....

Touche' 3/27/13

Point scored

Damage done 

Heart demolished

By careless words

Slung off the tongues

Of the faithless...

Of those waiting in the wings

To dive for the scraps

Left on the floor 

From the bleeding

And at this point

I'm just about bled out

Weak and wandering 

In the darkness

Unable to find my way

Back to me

So touche'

You fired your shot

And your bullet has 

Found a home in me

Lodged in just the right spot

So that it can't be dug out

And forgotten.. 

It has found a home in me

Right next to all the others

That fester inside of me

The Devil's Maze.... 3/27/13

This has to be a game
Or a very sick sort of penance...
I'm inside the devil's playground maze
And I can't seem to find
My way out

I can't seem to coordinate
Which way I should turn here...
What the fuck is the right way
To right this wrong

Feeling this way should be outlawed
So fucking uncertain
You don't know which way to run
And you can't find where you
Last parked your sanity

So here I am
In the middle of the devil's maze
And I'm finding
That no matter where
I step next...
It will be a hell of
A journey...

One I'm damn certain
I'm not ready to take just yet

To My Mother.... 3/26/13

I hang my head in shame
When you lay your eyes on me
You are able to look into me
With just a glance
And see the filth
See the dirt
See every disgusting part
Of me
And still
You look upon me
With a spark of love
With a spark of hope
In the eyes I have known
Since I was a baby
In your arms
In your heart
How could I go
From the quiet, shy
Little girl
To the angry
Broken down
Used up woman
You see before you

Somehow...
You have given me
Something I never imagined
I'd be able to have
Another chance....
You have seen me
Bleeding,
Broken
But you have never seen me
At my absolute worst and I
Am thankful for that
But by all I care for
By all I love
I am going to show you
A part of me
You have never seen....

My best...

I do not deserve this
But I cherish every
Phone call...
Every visit
It's almost like you're
Giving me life
Once again
Every time I hear you say
You love me
Because I don't deserve you

Limbo 3/25/13

There's something growing inside me
A yawning chasm of shame
Of degradation...
And sometimes
I feel as though
I belong there
In limbo
Stretched between
The woman I left behind
And the woman I'm
Running after
To capture and become
Trying to leave behind
The scapegoat
I've become
Feeling I could
Become all the lies
That drip so sweetly
From your lips
Become someone
Who looks ahead
Instead of wading in
The cesspool of my mind
Just remember..
I can play the fake it
To make it game
Until I'm so lost in between
Who you want me to be
And the beast that still hides
Just under my skin
That I can't find me
I'm lost
In the limbo
I carefully laid out
One mistake
At a time....

3/19/13

I don't sleep
Not anymore
There is no peace there
Not anymore
I find that in trying to
Kill off this need
I'm doing nothing more
Than losing myself
In a war I started
That I can't finish
Without losing all
Losing faith
In everything
Losing touch
With the reality I have
And the one I wanted
With you
The fear inside me
Has become endless
And I've been lying
To myself all along
Trying to believe that
If I just shut this out
If I make myself numb
That maybe I can see
The other side of this
Maybe I can see a life without you
But I'm finding that you're
So much a part of me
That if I lose you
I'll lose me anyway

Discrepancy 3/14/13

I'm not meant for someone
As exquisite as you are
Someone who makes me feel
So alive
So unbelievably real
Someone who has been
More for me
Than anyone has before
You look at me
And you see the true me
The one I try so damn hard
To hide

So how do I reconcile
The discrepancy
Between your goodness
And my shame
At who I am
And who I could find
Under your tutelage
Under your hands
Where I so long to be

The Road 3/13/13

Still feel like
I'm bleeding
Like I'm broken
From walking the road
To home
That I've chosen to walk

Watching battles being fought
On every front
On every side
Taking bullets
For every one
Feeling that I've been
Stretched so thin
That this paper in front of me
Is mocking me

Trying desperately
To find the truth
Behind the lie
Of me
Trying to un-clench my teeth
From the barrel of my
Latest mistakes
Trying to find some part of me
That I can look into the mirror
And not find wanting

I'm over it
All the lies
All the broken promises
Finding the woman I am
Inside of the lie
Of what I could have been
Of who I could be

I'm left to find
That I've finally begun
To accept
That there are certain battles
That I can not fight
Without losing
Myself in the war
Realizing that I was never
Meant to win this one
Without carrying the
Battle scars
So that I can finally find my way
To what resembles home
Perhaps just a little less
Broken
Than I already am

**Inspired by a conversation and some awesome advise from an amazing friend and confidant... Zechariah Zeitler.  Thank you for all you do for me in the wee hours of the morning and for "dominating" my heart **

Visit 3/13/13

You're the one who thinks you know me
But you haven't got a clue
You're the one who thinks you have me
After all that I've been through

Breaking pieces off my soul
To try to fit you in
Not ready yet to give it all
Not ready yet to let this fall

Because I'm so damn empty
In all the places it counts
So damn fucked up and faithless
I don't want to add up
To find out what this amounts

So to what do I owe the pleasure
Of this visit from my past
To whom do I pay the debt I owe
Now that I can't see my way out

Burning from the inside out
Allowing my rage
To hollow me out
And turning back another page

Diet... 3/13/13

I never thought I'd see
This tomorrow
Never thought I'd face
These demons
And come out smoking
On the other side
Of hell
But here I stand
And I fear
All the time
That it was a laugh
For the devil
Because I rode into hell
On a one way ticket
And there is no getting out
And I'm just fooling myself
Into believing
That I can keep up
This charade
Of being like the rest
Of you "normal" people
Finding that I don't want
To fall into that category
As it stands
Finding that I'm so far from "normal"
That I'll never be clean
Never wipe away the filth
Of my past
And I've simply been feeding myself
A steady diet
Of bull shit
To keep myself
From falling back
From falling away
Realizing daily
That I'll never be
What you believe me
Capable of
And I'm getting lost
In the becoming