My Playground... 4/12/13

The rage inside me
At this moment
Is bringing out
A side of me
That hasn't been seen
In quite a while
The vindictive, evil
Unrelenting cunt
That will stoop to
The level you have
Brought me to
With a vicious
Retaliation
That will so ravage
The world you are seeking
To obtain
That you will absolutely see
The depths of the hell
You've challenged me
To introduce you to

So welcome to
My menagerie
My  coup-d-gras
The place I've reserved
Especially for
Those stupid enough
To walk onto
My playground...

Along Comes A Spider.... 4/10/13

I feel like I'm drowning..
Like the tide has pulled me under
And I'm taking my last gasp of air
Before the waves close over my head

It's so funny how life throws you
Curve balls...
Especially when you think you've
Finally gotten it right...
Like you're finally where you should be
And then
And then...

Along comes a spider...
Weaving his web of wonder
Of all that you crave
And of course...
If I try to reach...
I'll find myself falling
Because this web is just
Out of my reach..
Just as I always believed
It would be...

Because nothing good
Can last for me...
Because nothing that good
Could ever have been meant
For someone like me...
Someone so broken inside
So shattered..

I'm not meant for this...
I feel like a walking
Vial of pain...
That I inflict on all those
Who dare to love me...
Until I came
Face to face
With this spider...
Who I have dared to love
But who terrifies me...

Because if I give all...
If I give all that is required...
I know
I always know
That my vial of pain
Is just waiting to
Find it's next victim...

Sam's Light 4/10/13

As I read the words in front of me
I feel a gut wrenching need
To act
To do something
To make a difference
To know that these words I write
This road I've walked
The good and bad choices
I've made
Have not been in vain...
That someone out there
Will read them
Will know them
Will find peace
Knowing that they're not alone
Knowing that I have hurt
As they have
And that perhaps my pain
Could make a difference
For someone else...

And then I read the words
Of a child I remember
Now a young woman
Who has shared the same pain
As I
And all I feel is rage
All I feel is bitterness
At a world that would allow
Such a light as she possesses
To have endured
Such degradation

And I applaud your bravery
For speaking out...
For being the catalyst
For someone like you
Someone who may be suffering
As you have
Because your words,
Your pain
Could be the beacon
That lights the way
For another lost soul...

All my love to you Sam...
And to those of you who read my words
Please, take a moment
To read hers...
  http://alicescry.blogspot.com/

Yearning 4/4/13

I see you
A picture of perfection
A moment of searing agony
The sweet oblivion
Of you...
The words I want to say
At war with the bluntness
Of my tongue
I'm unable to say
All I want to say
Without revealing
My yearning
For another moment
And yet another...
And another still...

Letters to My Rapist 32... 4/2/13

I can not describe the agony
And the desperate need to help
I feel in this moment....
When I am faced
With your pain
With your story
With your unrelenting
Agony with what you
Have lived
Having only just reached
Your teen years
After surviving what you have

And living on...

Can't grasp the reason behind
Why an adult would force
Himself on a young girl
I can't wrap my head around
What comes over a man
When he sees a young boy
Or a young girl
And feels desire for said child....

And I damn well don't ever want to

Because I'm on the other side
Of this fence...
Right beside you
I've been that young girl...
I've been the one who was
Ripped apart inside
When two men decided
I was ripe for the taking...
That raped away my innocence
That raped away my childhood...
That took away any goodness
And replaced it
With their sweat
Their semen
Their spit
Their venom...

And I survived as well...

And this is why
I believe I'm still here
Why I was allowed to survive
Why I was put in your path
To help you
To help me
To begin to heal
Together...

And I am here
Waiting
Wanting
To begin

Butterfly 4/2/13

She sees them on the window sill
Buried deep in their cocoon's
Wonders how they lived before
Wonders if they could feel her
Admiring them, their ability
To hide from the world
To hide from life

She watches them
As they slowly emerge
These beautiful creatures
Untouched by the horrors
She lived in the night
So full of envy
As she watches them
Fly away
Away from the pain
Away from the agony of
Her hell

Wonders if she'll ever
Be that pretty
Wonders if she'll ever be that free
One day when she's older
When she can run from him
From the pain these walls
Contain
One day when she's able
To come out of her cocoon
When she can spread her wings
Too long kept in darkness
Beauty too long hidden
Free to fly
Into the light

To Christopher... 4/1/13

So this goes out to you...
Knowing that within these words
Pours oceans of love
And best wishes...

But it is time to fly
To take flight into the unknown
To bundle up the past
Fold it neatly and put it aside
To shake out and examine at a later time
Now... Now my love....
It's time to fly
To your future...
To your destiny...

Know that you go with a part of my heart
So deeply inside you that it'll never be shaken loose
That the memory of all you are
And all you have done for me
Is a part of the me you always believed possible
I couldn't have gotten this far
Without you...
So know this...
Whenever you need me
I will be there for you
Always...

Time to fly my friend
Into the unknown...
With my light
Always a beacon
Should you ever feel the need
To return home....

Whore 4/1/13

I laugh at you
Because all you see
When you look at me
Is a whore
A slut
An easy lay
A fuck-n-forget
Kinda girl...
And while you contemplate
Your imagined conquest with me
I sit here
And I laugh
At your stupidity...
It takes a whole lot more
Than words
To get inside me baby...
A whole lot more...
So keep dreaming....

Away... 4/1/13

What kind of monster
Have I become?
What kind of torture
Can I inflict upon myself
And those I love today?
I feel like a damn fool
For believing that you're
Better off without me...
That you're not missing me
As much as I'm missing you
Silently
So as not to alert anyone else
To your hurts...
I just can't stay away anymore
Believing that I'll hurt you worse
In the long run by having you
In my life is just bullshit
If it hurts you as much as it
Hurts me to stay away,
How could it hurt any worse if we
Were together...
Somebody tell me that
I'm so sick of being away from you
So sick of just hearing stories
I want to be able to create our own
I'm just tired of being away from you
Away from us
Away from a world where reality
Makes some sense...
Where we're together

Blame 3/31/13

How
How do you atone
For the mistakes
That put those you love
In the crossfire

There is no one to blame
But me
No one left
To carry the pieces
When I'm gone

Looking into the eyes
Of your child
And seeing
The deep well of sadness
You dug into her heart
When you fucked everything
So badly that it will
Never be the same
Never just be okay
Never stop hurting

And I never can...
Stop this burning rage
At the injustice of
What I did to us
And sure,
I could blame this one
Or that one
But this one falls
Squarely on my own
Broken shoulders

And I'll never allow
Forgiveness for this one
I'll never allow the blame to lay
In this bed I've made
With anyone but me....
Where it belongs.
Beside me

Memories... 3/31/13

It's times like these
When I miss you the most
When I'm alone
With nothing but
The memory of you...
The memory of having you
In my arms makes me
Scream in agony
For the loss of you
And the exquisite ache
Of having you back in my arms
Where you belong
Seems a million miles
Down this road I've been on
For too long now
Without you
To even believe
That this dream of mine
Can make it to fruition...
This dream of seeing
A face so precious to me
That I can feel myself
Coming undone
Before it's ever a reality
This ache never goes away
Never seems to cease fire
Never stops bleeding
I am missing you so in this
Moment...
When I sit here
Alone
With your memory...

Need 3/30/13

Your hands...
Your work calloused fingers
Running along my jaw
Making fists in my hair
Pulling me flush
Against you
So that I can feel your
Passion rise
And then your mouth
Your lips
Begin the frenzy
That becomes so
Urgent inside me
I could spend hours
Just feeling those lips
Against mine...
Your hands on my back,
Pulling me closer
If it were possible...
And I'm ablaze
When I feel your skin
Warm against my own
Like Adam and Eve
We sin perfectly
Again and again
And I need that sin
Like I need air
Like I need you

Letter to My Rapist 31... 3/30/13

I don't understand

How something small

Just a reference or

Just a blindingly fast memory

Of that night

Can set me back...

It stained me black

And from your invasion

Was born someone

I never thought I'd be

Someone who learned early

That this life was meant 

For nothing more

Than pain,

Nothing more than this 

Broken sense of 

Self...

Whatever that means...

I wonder now

If what you did to me 

Was what broke me

Inside

About the time you chewed 

My cherry to shit

And left me bleeding

My childhood out

In a puddle of your

Sweat and semen

I wonder now

If you look back and remember

What you did.. 

To a child

When you fucked her raw

And let her stumble home

Instead of killing her body

Along with the soul you'd 

Already stained

Because I'm ready

To remind you...

Because every time I run into you

Every time I see your hated face

I want to gut you

I want to watch you bleed out

And play in a puddle of your pain

Like you did to me

Irrelevant 3/30/13

I don't seem to be able
To understand myself lately
To get past certain emotions
Certain situations
I've found myself in...
I don't seem to be able
To put you in a category
To file you away
As something irrelevant
Because you've been forefront
In my mind and on my heart
For so long that I don't know
Where I'd be now if I couldn't
Hear your voice..
Or see those eyes
Gazing into my own
And I feel that I'm losing
Control on myself
My self preservation button
Seems to be broken
Along with my inability
To move ahead
To get past this adoration
Of all you stand for
Of all you fight for
Of all you have become
To me...
I can't make you irrelevant
Anymore than I can make
My heart forget
What is keeping me
Held fast
Where I am

Eye Of My Beholder.... 3/30/13

I feel like I'm inside the dead
Clouded over eyes
Of my beholder...
And I'm fading fast
I'm tired of finding myself
And then learning that I have
Parts of me that I have to keep
Hushed....
Silent
Screaming in the silence
Of the dial tone
Fighting to become someone
Just a little less filthy
Than I know myself to be
Vocal chords becoming so
Shredded from screaming
But nobody hears
Nobody ever hears
Nobody ever sees
Past the dead and milky eyes
Of my beholder
In the mirror

Reverence... 3/29/13

Seeing me
Through your eyes
From your memories of me
Through my darkest days
Now that I am no longer
As dead inside
As I once was
Is a bittersweet
Recollection
Of my pain
Of my struggle
To find the life
I could have had
Inside of the one I now
Possess
Bittersweet because
You saw me then
And knew inside
You could not have saved me
Any more than I could have
At the time
That  you had to sit by
And wait for me
To hit the rocks
To dig my hole in hell
To claw my own way out of
Alone

Knowing now
That you were still there
That you never gave up hope
That I'd one day win the battle
That turned the tide in this war I fight
And that I'd be where I am now inside
Brings me such reverence
For the friend I have in you...
Thank you
For showing me
What a friend
You've always been
And continued to be
Through it all...

3/28/13

I've served my heart to you
On a silver fucking platter
On a bed of broken glass
So eat your fill
But inside I pray
You'll be choking
On the shrapnel
When the dust clears
From the bitter truths
I have learned...

Betrayal.... 3/28/13

How am I supposed to deal with this new pain
This new betrayal....
By someone I valued as much as my own soul
Someone who took my pain,
My past
And used it as a tool
A weapon used to cut me
Straight through the fragile hope
I'd been hiding inside of me
That there was someone out there who could
Love me without reservation
Someone who could see past what brought me here
And accept the woman I have become
Instead of using my agony,
My despair,
As a god damned topic of conversation
To make his move on another...
When I was laid out and unable to fight...

Undercover Queen 3/28/13

Tired...
So tired...
Of feeling like
I'm a fucking play toy
A chess piece
Sitting on the board
The checkered road ahead
Never clear
Never a clean path
Never knowing
Which way I'll be
Yanked around
To amuse you
So I turn myself
Inside out
To keep you from
Sacrificing my journey
To put forth another
More important piece
Than I could have ever been...
But know this....
I may not stand as tall as
She does
But I'm a fucking queen
In disguise

A Lesson On God.... 3/27/13

So I had a conversation this evening....

One that has a new way of thinking

Running around in my head like a 

Beacon in the night.....

Thank you Mrs. Mary Reed McCall

For the lesson you have taught me

Even after I left your classroom

Fifteen years ago...

You are still

Teaching me lessons

That burn inside me...

** After a discussion on Facebook concerning religious views and my lack of belief in religion, in God, due to the things that have happened in my life, I was presented with a new view this evening that blew me away, and I have to thank you Mrs. McCall.. You've really given me something to think about tonight.... **

You have comforted me in so many ways.... 

Thank you so much for your wisdom and your ability to school me even after all this time... as far as I'm concerned, you are an amazing woman who deserves all the good this world has to offer.... Thank you again....