The Fireplace... 1/7/14

The memories of you play

Like a bittersweet melody
Across the landscape of my
Morose musings...
This shell of a woman
That I have become
Is tired
So tired of being
Unable to change
That it's time to say
To fuck with your normal game
Time to get off my ass
And show you all
Just how far I can climb
After personally demonstrating how
Broken a person can get
When the ones she loved
Left her broken
Alone
It's perfectly okay that I
Can't sleep tonight
Because I see her there
In my room
Sitting on the fireplace mantle
Mocking me
Showing me just where nine months
Of love and hope has ended up
In your urn
Pictures of your beauty
Surrounding the
Piece of marble
That holds your remains
That hold my soul

Dirty Girl 1/6/14

I'm tired
Of playing this game
Of being treated
Like your dirty girl
Like you expect me to jump
And ask you how high
Like I'm only good enough
In shadow
Just because I know
How you like it
When the lights go out
Doesn't mean
I don't have needs
Of my own
I can't seem to cast off this
Fucked up
Version of who
You think I should be
In order to reconcile
Your view with
My own
So for now
I guess I don't mind
Being your dirty girl
Being the one you called
When you needed to
Let your demons out
To play
Because someday
You'll see me
For who I really am
And when you do
You'll understand
Where you fucked up...
And when you do
I won't be around
To be your dirty girl

Letters To Kairi... 1/2/14

Happy New Year baby... I sit here wondering to myself if you like your new home... If you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you know that you would be 26 weeks, almost six months old right now had you stayed here with us?  I think about that all the time... How you'd be rolling over and sitting up on your own by now... how long would your hair be? Could momma and Aunt Connie have given you little palm tree pigtails by now?
I would give anything to be able to have had those milestones with you.
I talked to your Daddy tonight and the one thing we agree on the most is that we are just as head-over-heels in love with you weather you're here to hold or our angel in heaven.  You are so loved and so cherished that it took your momma a little while to get her head back on somewhat straight... but I've decided it's time to try and put my life back together.
I still have my moments, when I hold your tiny outfits or I sit with your picture and wonder how heavy you'd be right now.  When I can almost feel your tiny, soft head burrowing into my breast... trying to find your sweet spot so you could fall asleep. You looked so angelic when you slept Kairi... That's why mommy and daddy have our tattoo's right where they are on our chests... just above our hearts... right where you would love to fall asleep... weather on momma's soft chest or daddy's fuzzy one... even when you weren't sleeping anymore that morning... when I held your little body in my arms and realized you'd left us in the night when momma wasn't looking... always our angel... always and forever...
I got some very good advice just a few days ago from someone very special... who made me see that what you see when you look down from heaven isn't what I want you to see.  I don't want you to look at me and feel like it's somehow your fault that I am still in limbo.  I want you to be proud of your mommy... and so I'm getting off this tightrope of emotions I've been walking on.  I'm going to try to make you proud of me my tiny love... I'm going to find some way to make your death matter... Raise SIDS awareness somehow... Find a community of people who have lost their angels as well... Find a way to heal this hole in me the right way for a change.
Because I want to see that sweet smile behind my eyes when I battle for sleep at night.  I want to be able to close my eyes and be with you, see you at six months old... because if I can't have you in life.... I will live for the nights I'm graced with sleep...

I will love you
Always and forever
And I will meet you
In my dreams

Love,
Momma

Until I'm Whole... 1/2/14

Falling somewhat short of reality
No way to compromise
Holding onto my impartiality
While all I do is sacrifice

There are no exceptions
In my new set of rules
Starting now with no deceptions
Breaking free from this sea of fools

I am not the woman that once I was
Trying not to be afraid
Praying these words will be
Written on my soul
Taking two steps forward today
Holding on tightly until I'm whole
Holding tightly til I'm whole...

Epilogue 1/1/14

Jason,

So it looks as if you're going to be able to finish this year out with a bang!  Getting rid of things you don't need, spring cleaning just a bit early I guess.

And I just so happen to be what you're throwing away once again.                          
Do you have any idea what that does to a person?  Making them feel like garbage, especially after everything we've been through this past year.  Two weeks before my 34th birthday, we lost our daughter, and two weeks before your 35th, you're ending the last tether to the woman who loved you just as you are, didn't try to change you or ask you to do much more than pay a bit of attention to me in the evenings after you got outta work, have dinner with me and talk out your day with me... to let me in, which you couldn't or wouldn't do.  The woman who carried your one and only child inside of her in spite of the sickness because I knew how badly you wanted to be a father, the woman that loved, cherished, and felt the same agony and despair that you did when she was taken back to heaven; and the woman who wanted nothing more than to heal with you.  I'm sure you're probably thinking that I set out to get pregnant again right after losing our angel, but you couldn't be more wrong.  I couldn't handle the absolute terror any more than you could have, so think again.  I had/have no intention of trapping you or fucking your pristine world up.  You've asked me before, "what do you want from me", and I'll tell you here... in black and white.
Jason, you gave me things that nobody else could have when we met back in September of 2012.  You gave me peace, security, and a place to heal up a bit from the road I'd been on.  Being with you was truly a God send.  I suffer from no illusions of grandeur... I am well aware it wasn't about love back then.  I'm also not pathetic or ignorant enough to believe that the reason you kept me as long as you did was for anything other than Kairi.  For some reason we were put together.  I foolishly fell in love with you... at first because of the physical end and the peace inside you gave me every time I was in your arms.  I fought it at first, tried not to do just what I did... I gave you my heart and tonight you've given back what's left after it was chewed up, spit out, and shattered upon impact.
Perhaps I deserve this Jason.  I did you wrong... I don't deny that there was an infidelity.  Someone who was telling me all the words of love that I wanted to hear from you and they were just as much bullshit as they would have been if you'd bothered saying them yourself.  I believed we'd worked things out and were moving on with our life together and we concentrated on getting ready for Kairi's birth.
The day she was born I met the Jason I'd only seen glimpses of from behind the wall you've erected around yourself... you let it down and you let her in.
And now... you've bricked yourself back up
To shield yourself from letting yourself
Feel this, heal this, with me...
And so I write our
Epilogue
Because you've pushed me away so fully
There's no going back
But I need to take this last chance

To thank you
To tell you that
The child you gave me
Was a miracle
And with or without you
With or without her

I'll continue to love you
For her
Because she wouldn't want to see this Jason
This disaster we've become...
Someone recently told me my child wouldn't want to look down from heaven and see her momma hurting this badly.. She wouldn't want to think she was the reason my life has become so cold...
So I'm going to do something to make it better... with or without you...
I was praying for with
And find myself without  

Worthy 1/1/14

I am not looking for perfection

I'm not looking for someone to 

Take care of me or someone

To take me into his life...

I want to make one

All my own

And share it

With someone

Worthy of my heart

Someone worthy of my love

Because I'm someone 

Who's heart has been 

Used like a whore and 

Thrown out like garbage... 

I've twisted and skewed

My idea of love

To fit into someone elses

Life... 

But this time...

This time

I'm going to make damn sure

The one I give what's left of it to

Is worthy of me

Not the other way around

Singing 12/31/13

I have a problem
That needs attention
One that surprises me

I still have a voice...
I can still sing
I can still gut wrench
All this hurt out of me
When I open my lungs
And let it go....

I thought I'd lost it
When I lost you

But I was wrong
I am singing tonight
And it feels so good
To let some of it go
With every note
When I close my eyes
And I begin to sing
I know
You
Hear
Me

You
Hear
Me

Resolutions 12/31/13

You don't see you
The way I do...
All of you
Just little hollow paper dolls...
That flitter on the winds
Away from me...
Made up masks of
Compassion
Of understanding
Of bull shit...
It's all bull shit...
The faces you think you hide
Behind your lip service
Of how much you care
Of how you'll be here
When my thoughts are the
Darkest

Fucking lies
All of it...
And I'm so god damned
Tired of sifting through your
Lies
Of sifting through my own
That I have decided
To make my own resolution
This year

Fuck every last one of you
Who have walked away
When I needed you the most
It's finally on me...
All of it
And I can't wait to face this
New challenge
This new
Resolution

Reprieve... 12/27/13

Crisis averted...
Thank all that's holy...
I guess pure terror
Insomnia
And good ole fashioned
Stress will stop something
From being that
Wasn't meant to be...
If I hadn't already learned
That lesson...
It's been re-established
Fully this morning

I think Tori Amos
Said it best in her song titled
"Silent All These Years"
"Boy you best pray that I bleed real soon
How's that thought for you?
My scream got lost in a paper cup
Do you think there's a heaven where
My screams have gone?
I've got twenty five bucks and a cracker
Do you think it's enough
To get us there?"

I fully believe
This wasn't supposed to be
And it would have resulted in
Disaster for an innocent child
And he wouldn't have been
Even remotely happy about it...
So I guess it's for the best
And now he can have what he wants

Me out of his life fully...

Fuck the Schedule 12/27/13

I guess I'm truly amazed
By the human ability
To break
To shatter under
The pressure applied
By the power of words
And the aching loneliness of
Being discarded like
You were never good enough
In the first place
To achieve that crazy thing
People look for in life...
Contentment...
Peace....

Amazed
Because I'm as broken
As naked
As empty
As a person can be
Without
Taking a knife
To the carotid
And saying
Just Fuck it all...
Because I'm really there
I'm so close tonight
To taking the Joy
Out of Gods little
Experiment
By finishing myself
Ahead of schedule

I feel just like a rat
In a maze...
I feel badly because
This little critter inside me
Called bitterness
Called hatred
Called rage
Is beginning to claw
It's way out
Before the game
Has ended

Thwarting God... 12/26/13 (Explicit)

Here goes the raving lunatic again
Unable tonight to get her face
Out of my mind...
Unable to deal with
This new battle
I have to face
But fuck you
This time
I'm going to
Thwart your plans....
I'm not going to let you
Tease me with the chance of love
That no longer wants me
I won't allow you to make me believe
I'm part of something
That I have a family
YOU'VE SHOWN ME
I'm not allowed to have
They say the Lord giveth
And the Lord taketh away....

Don't I fucking know it

1. The First Lie...

Was giving me someone to love
Who couldn't love me back

2. The Second Lie...

I was told repeatedly that I was
A part of his family...
Until I didn't play by the rules
... And where are they now?

3. The Third Lie...

The beautiful child
The angel you gave me
AND THEN FUCKING
RIPPED AWAY FROM ME

If there was a message you were trying to send...
Take it from me...
MESSAGE RECEIVED

But here's where I get off
The crazy fucking plan you have for me
Because now that you're trying
AGAIN
Now that the life I had
IS DEAD
To give me another chance...

I'm getting off the fucking
Carousel....
The ride is over
Asshole
Find someone else to play with
Because I don't want your
Fucking pity gift

I WANT MY DAUGHTER BACK
YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
I WANT MY LITTLE GIRL BACK
WHERE I CAN WATCH HER SLEEP
AND WATCH HER TAKE HER FIRST STEPS
AND LAUGH AS SHE SPLASHES IN THE TUB
AND HOLD HER HAND AS SHE GOES TO SCHOOL
AND BE THERE TO WATCH HER BECOME THE BEAUTIFUL
WOMAN SHE WOULD HAVE BEEN

YOU TOOK HER
YOU RIPPED MY FUCKING
SOUL OUT OF ME
TOOK MY HOME,
MY HEART
AND MOST OF
MY LIFE...

and then you give me another...

I won't give you another chance
To kill me this way
So I guess I have to be the
Killer this time

Death Knell 12/26/13

So what lies am I living on today
What bull shit lines can I deliver
To hide what's really going on
Behind my eyes,
And beneath my soul

I've now spent 3 years
Away from the ones I love
So that I can attempt
To do what's right
And not fuck them up
And the world they live in

Because the one I live in now
Carries only the sound of
The tolling of the death knell
There is nothing left of me
No semblance of the woman
I tried so hard to be

I keep holding on
But I know I'll never be allowed
To bring you back to life
I know that I can never hold you
I can never get back what I
Carelessly and selfishly lost
In my despair...

And so here I sit...
Allowing this season of grief
To encase my soul and what's left
Of my heart in ice...
Unable to see my way ahead...
Unable to claw my way out of
The well of naked rage
I have dug
One drop of blood
At a time...

Justifiable Homicide 12/25/13

The tears fall
Like ice
Falling from the
Inside out
Hitting the pavement
Shattering upon impact
Just like I have
I'm as cold
As a woman
Can get
And now
It seems God's
Having yet another
Laugh at my expense
I've let too much in
And not enough
Comes back
I will not do this
I can not do this
You've taken all I had
And you'd like me to
Produce yet another life
To hand you
You take my children
And leave me empty
And cold inside
And in my weakness
I allowed him to
Use me even after
He'd thrown me away
And you wonder why
I have to do what
I'm going to have to do
It can't happen
I can't allow it
But you can all
Justifiably
Call me a killer
This time

Bedtime Stories.. ***The Tale of the Lost Girl... 12/12/13***

Once upon a time....
Here we go again...

Once upon a time there was a girl...
We'll start at age 7...
Two weeks before her 8th birthday
Her father walked out of her life
And changed her world forever....

Then we jump to 13
When one night she was just walking home
And she was jumped by two fucking fucktards
Who raped and sodomized her...
Two weeks after her birthday

And then when she was just 19
She had a child...
A beautiful angel that filled her world
With light...
With love...

Until

We jump to when she was introduced
To something called opiates...
Heroin
And she found ways to escape
The pain she'd held inside
Until it became her reason
And it became her normal
It became her daily...
Until things had to change
Or she'd die, and lose the one thing
She loved
And she did...
For years she stayed clean
And in that time
She had another child
Another beautiful soul
That she loved and cherished

Until...

She got sick...
Pneumonia...
Had surgery
Had chest tubes
Had a pain pump...
Filling her with poison again...
And within a three month span
She lost her entire world...
And it was entirely her own fault
Because she didn't fight
She didn't do the right thing
And make it right for her children
For herself...
She always believed she wasn't good enough
To have such a life...
So she became
A lost soul...
For a year...
And then,
Saw what she was doing and got help...
Got clean...

And then...

She met someone and found herself
Building her world around him
And his life, and his world became
Her safety zone
She was gifted with another
Beautiful life...
Another child to call her own...
Another chance to do SOMETHING right...

And her child...
Her infant...
Died in her arms...
Two weeks before
Her fucking birthday...
She should have seen it
The other shoe about to drop...
And she knows it's because
She was never meant to have
Such innocence and light
In her life again...
And it was proven when
She was cast out of the life
She'd allowed herself
To love

A lost soul once again...
Lost again

And The Rant Continues... 12/12/13

I find myself
Unable to let go of
This tonight...
Unable to justify
The position I find myself
Flailing in...

(And I mean no offense
To the family I love and
Cherish with my rantings
This evening...)

But what the fuck?
I love all these people
Who gave me the bull shit
Line that they'd be there
For me in the aftermath
Of losing Kairi

But most of all
I rage tonight at the God
Who has simply and completely
Disregarded me...
Taken everything I had and loved
And dumped me back into a life
I can't handle or control
Without a fucking net.......

You simply have no idea how badly
I've wanted to end this shit lately
Because I'm failing,
I'm on the high wire and I'm
Going down and I can feel it
In my soul...
There's nothing left of me
If you just look closely
You can see it in my eyes...
I have nothing left to give...

I'm an empty soul
I'm empty womb
I'm an empty and
Vengeful bitch tonight
I could go the fuck off
So it's really good that
I am alone...
As per usual...
Alone, facing another night
Lost in the inferno of my
Fucked up mind...

Fucking Lip Service... 12/11/13

Having one of those nights,
Where nothing is going to work...
Nothing is about to stop this
Rage inside me
So it's time to vent
Time to let some of this shit
Go... and get to where it belongs...

In the past 18 months...
I've been a lost soul....
Found a friend...
Mistook friendship for
The possibility of love
And bore a child out of
Said love

And our child
Died in my arms...

And since my world
Shattered again...
Since I've become
A lost soul
One more time...
Where the fuck
Have you been

The ones who whispered
They'd be there...
If I needed someone
To talk to..
The ones who said
I'd never be alone

Fucking Lip Service...
All of you.....

Function 12/11/13

My give a shit
Is functioning fully
On auto pilot
And it seems to be
Malfunctioning
Because I can't seem
To care lately
About your problems
About your pains
Because you threw
Me and mine away
When things didn't go
Exactly your way
And I don't get how
You sleep at night
Anymore
Do you wake up
With the screams
Caught in your throat
Like I do?
Do you have the
Nightmares that make
You avoid sleep
Like the plague
Like I do?
I don't think so
I think you function
Just fine...
I think you just put it
Away and go on like
Nothing happened
Like your life wasn't
Ripped apart
Because maybe it wasn't
Not like mine was
Not like mine was

Bedtime Stories*** The Tale of the Broken Woman***... 12/7/13

Once upon a time...

Long ago,
There lived a young gypsy woman
Who's life had been
Broken
Many times over
Right along with her heart
She was known in the land
As The Broken Woman...
She had survived a life that
Had left her in pieces
She felt she was almost
Too broken
To ever be truly accepted
By the people of the land
To be liked by anyone else...
A woman who'd become so broken
So jaded, so afraid to believe
In anyone... anything
That she'd locked herself away
In a prison
She'd built all by herself
Around the shattered pieces
Of her heart and soul...
A prison that no one,
Could breach....

Until one chilly October morning,
The young and beautiful
Princess Constance had lost her way
On her journey, and had heard tales of
A mysterious young gypsy woman who possessed
The ability to look into the future,
Into the past, and beyond the veil.
She found herself lost and unable
To see her way ahead
To choose her path back home
Or to journey onward into the
Unknown

And it happened that
Their journey's met
The Princess appeared to the
Broken woman
Like a blast of sunshine
A woman with such a light...
Such a unique personality
And such an ability to get past
Even the Broken woman's best laid defenses
Without even seeming to try...

They spent hours together,
And within that time, they
Both grew in the knowledge
That a very big moment had
Just passed

Two soul mates...
Lost in this world of craziness
Had found each other...

The Broken woman began
To see life through the eyes
Of the special gift she'd been given
When she found her sister...
Her sister, not of blood
The sister of her soul
The sister who began to help her
Make cracks in her wall
So that she could let in the light
And the life that came with
With this amazing woman
She handed the broken woman
Things she never believed herself
Worthy of holding
A mother and father
To love and respect
The three beloved children
Even her wild
Menagerie of animals... :)

This amazing woman
Opened not just her heart
Her home,
Her life
Her family
Her very world
To this broken shell of a woman
Who did not deserve
To be graced with the love
Of good people like these
And together,
They journey on...

To be continued...

Irelynd and Kairi 12/7/13

Published on Facebook and memorialized here for Irelynd to read someday...

Irelynd and Mommy

Taking a moment here...
Just found these photo's and 
Had myself a good cry
These are pictures of two sisters
Who will never know each other.
The first is a picture taken in June 2008
Of Irelynd Anita Renee Waufle and I,
My second born child
The next picture was taken 
Just back in August 2013
Of Kairi Alina McGowan
My third born child
Both girls were a month old
When each picture was taken
Just five years apart

Kairi and Mommy

Sisters
Who will never meet
Who never got to know of the
Existence of the other
Before Kairi's passing

How alike they look!

My heart is so heavy tonight with all that has passed
And all that has happened in the past few years.
The pain I have caused and the                                           wrong I have done
                                          To those I love the most is                                                 unforgivable to some
                                          Myself included                                                              
And perhaps I deserve to lose something so special.

But they didn't deserve to never have had the chance
To know each other
To know of each other.
I have given birth to three beautiful children
That have every bit of my heart
With every breath I take.
Until the day we meet again

Irelynd,
Know there hasn't been a day that has passed
That you weren't in my heart and on my mind.
Know that I have missed you and cried myself sick
Over the choice I made to back out of your life until you were
Older and better able to understand

Void 12/6/13

Have you ever had one of those moments
When your trigger breaks...
When you find yourself lost
In yesterday
Chewing on what could have been
And what can never be
Again
I find myself here
Trying to fill this void
Trying to find a way
To make sense of all of this
Loss
And I'm finding myself
Lost