End Game 12/28/14

So many people
Look down on me
For the things
I have done
And instead of
Playing their game
Of who's better
Than who
I've tried to
Turn the other
Cheek
But I find
That when I do
I miss the swing
Of the knife
As it arc's
Toward my
Back

I'm just tired
Of playing
Of paying
Of fighting
When the battle
Has already been lost
I'm starting from
Nothing
And watching each step
So that my
End game
Can come
To light

And what an
End game
It is

Looking In... 12/16/14

Outside
Looking in
That's me
Always the one
Watching others
Have their
Happy little lives
While I stand
Cold
Allowing the
Winter to
Freeze me
Through

Sidelined
Put here because
I fucked it all up
Me
All by myself
The choices
I've made
Were never taken
Lightly
Never taken
For granted

Until I realized
What I took
For granted
Was Me
Who I could have been
Who I was meant to be
I've finally come
To terms with
The glaring truth

I'm not allowed
To have happy
To have trust
To have love
To have comfort
To have a home...
To have a family

These are things
I crave
Like I crave
My next breath

But things
I'm not allowed
To hold
While I stand
On the outside
Looking in....

The Line 12/5/14

The line
Extends
White
Dissented
On her inner thigh
One of many
Like a fresh
Sheet of lined paper
Waiting for the writer
To begin her tale
Of woe
The scars
From her attempts
To focus
Her pain
Because it becomes
So all encompassing
That if she doesn't
Cut down deep enough
It won't stop
It won't ever end
And now
Her scars
Have prepared
An archive
For her to begin
Her letter
Of farewell
To life
Written in blood
On skin

"You Go Girl" 12/5/14

I have a little something to bitch about... something that's been eating me for a few days now. Something that if left unspoken will eat a hole in me and there are far too many of those already.

I value true friends
I value them to the point
Of calling them family
I value open and honest people
People who aren't afraid to be up front
Honest
People who have gone out of their way to help me
Just as I have done for them
I've kept their secrets
They've kept mine
They aren't afraid to tell me
Just how shit stands
Like a woman
Face to face
Instead of on Facebook
For others to read and comment on
Without knowing both sides
People who value me
Just as I value them
People I would die for

It's for friends like those
I would walk through fire
It's for friends like those
I'd be their biggest ally

I've had friends like those
The ones that become so important
So close to your heart
That when they allow
Petty material shit
To get in the way of that friendship
Are the same ones
That when they decide you aren't worth
Their time or their consideration
The common decency to keep
Your business off of Facebook
Make me feel
I have to reconsider
The friendship
Because people I call friends
Don't put my private business
Out there for the world to see
Because I prefer to keep my dealings
Out of the public eye
And anyone that claimed to be my friend
To be my family
Knows this about me
And decided to completely disregard it
For a few "atta boy's" and "you go girl's"
Because nobody who wanted to remain
In my life
Would do such a thing
Right?

Letter to JM 11/6/14

I see

Your beloved face

In pictures 

I wasn't meant 

To see 

Because you 

Despise the very

Air I breathe 

Because of all the

Rotten memories 

That have now 

Overshadowed 

The good 

I understand 

You're reticence 

Your unwillingness 

To allow such an

Unfaithful foe

Back into 

Your world

Into your confidence 

Even your acquaintance

No matter what 

Steps I work 

Or how much 

A person can change 

I can't erase the memories 

Of how badly I have 

Let you down 

That have gotten us

To this season of silence 

But it doesn't change 

The sound

Of my heart

Shattering inside

My chest

No matter how

Deserving 

I am of 

This agony

I still miss you 

With every breath

With every tear

I shed 

At this loss

And even If

You never let me 

Back into your life 

I will be watching 

I will be loving

And I will be waiting 

Hoping

Should your step 

Ever falter back

In my direction 

Painful Steps 11/5/14

I write these words on paper 

So that they 

Take form

Made substantial 

By simply flowing ink

On white

I wish

More than anything

I could show them 

So that you could feel 

The power behind them 

So that you could feel

The way I do 

When I see them

These steps

Sounds simple 

From the lay mans point of view

But I stand here 

Poised on the edge of beginning

The Fourth Step

And to do so

I must look at something

I've been running from

For so long I have almost 

Forgotten how it began

I have to write these words 

On paper

And stake myself out

Naked 

And admit

For God, another human 

And most frighteningly 

Myself

The exact nature 

Of my wrongs 

And there are so many

So much 

I haven't even acknowledged 

Let alone admitted 

That soon this blank canvass 

Will fill

With all the dirty little secrets

I've had hidden inside

So I write these words

On paper

And I wish 

The pen wasn't so heavy, filled 

With all the wrongs

For which now 

I must atone

My Turn. 10/21/14

I've heard it said

That it can't rain

All the time

That the sun will

Fight it's way through

The darkness and 

The sun will find it's time

In which to shine

When

Will it

Be my turn 

To shine

I feel like I've fought my way

Through so much darkness 

That it's almost become 

Part of me. 

And change 

Has never been

Something in which

I seem to excel

But sometimes

I feel the light 

Trying to find it's way

Up and out 

Of this blackness

In which I've found myself

A home. 

Heaven Waiting 10/20/14

I held you close

In the early morning light

The world was calm

The moon still bright

You turned your head

You opened your eyes

And you smiled

So sweetly

It haunts me still

What was there 

In your mind

Inside that smile?

Did you already see 

Heaven waiting?

Pretend 10/15/14

I stand out in the rain 

Pretending 

That the baby I just held

Was my Kairi. 

He smelled so good

As babies do 

All soft and sweet

And I ache so badly

To hold my Kairi 

That I can hardly stand 

The pain

I wish

So badly

To feel her little body

Snuggled on my chest

The way she was 

The last time I held her

Not knowing it would be our last

And I remember 

How good she felt

And how precious 

Those last moments were

And I guard them 

In my memory

Because I was the one

Who held her

Who loved her 

As she slipped into

Heaven

And I was the one

Who will hold those 

Last fleeting moments 

In my heart and mind

Until I meet her there. 

My Worst Enemy 9/23/14

Is there hope 

For one such as me? 

Is there a light 

At the end

Of this seemingly 

Endless tunnel?

Sometimes I try

To look ahead 

And dream of 

A better life

A future in that light 

Somewhere warm and 

Golden

One where I can hold 

My babies once again 

And somewhere 

I can finally feel whole

Somewhere to heal 

From these vicious

Self inflicted wounds...

But there's always someone 

Standing solidly

Blocking my path

Getting in the way

And taking me further 

From the life I wish for 

And when I see her 

She's always shrouded in 

Darkness 

And I always followed 

Her down the wrong path 

Until I decided to shine a light

Into her ravaged face 

And realized I was always

Just staring at

Myself in the mirror 

At my own worst enemy

Naked 9/21/14

I've gotten so good 

At doing the wrong thing

Choosing the wrong path

That I wonder now

If I'm ever going to

Truly fit

Truly adhere

To the right 

I think about you 

Sometimes when I'm 

Feeling morose 

And I wonder

How you sleep

At night

Wrapped up tight

In your solitude

Like a blanket

I'm getting tired

Of always looking at

What I've lost

So damn sick of 

The pity party

I've wallowed in 

That I believe 

It's time now

To look only at what 

I have gained

And what I am going to 

Achieve 

Now that I've 

Cast off your blanket

And walked 

Naked

Into the light...

Masks 9/3-14

You and I 

Have seen too much

Of how harsh

This wold 

Can be

So we show

A different side

Of ourselves 

To people 

Outside 

And portray ourselves 

As hardened

So that the world

Keeps it's self

At arms length. 

Because we have seen

What can happen 

If we let it get too close

We wear masks

To keep them from seeing

How vulnerable we can be. 

You have seen me

Without mine

At my worst

When I was ready

To give certain people

The satisfaction

Of seeing me 

Blow a hole

Into mine

And you're still here

   Slowly untying the strings 

      That holds yours

          In place 

Two Weeks 9/1/14

On this day

Last year

Had I known

Had I suspected

The moment 

The days

The months 

Of pure hell

I would have to endure

I wouldn't have changed

A single thing

But for one

On that day

When I held you 

In my arms 

In the wee hours

So you could have your bottle

So we could have 

Mommy and Kairi time

I would never have taken

My eyes off of you 

Never would have 

Fallen asleep 

So that I could have been

Vigilant 

And saved you 

The moment you 

Breathed your last

Dear Irelynd, 8/31/14

In 12 days, the court proceedings begin. I pray to God I am doing the right thing in starting now but I don't believe your daddy is being honest with me. Now I am starting to believe the only reason he has asked me to wait is so that he can have my parental rights taken from me.  I no longer know what to believe. All I know is that I have done everything I can think of to get better so that I can be the mom a little girl as wonderful as you deserves.  I understand why there are those who don't believe I've changed. I was not in any shape at all not too long ago to be in your life. I know that. But I have gone through so much to get to where I am now and I can't wait any longer to hold you in my arms. I have been told to stay away for a long time now by your daddy and your Mema and perhaps at one time it was warrented, but I can't go much longer. I want to begin building memories so that we have a solid foundation for the rest of our days. If I could talk peacefully with your daddy I would have never gotten the courts involved but it seems that can't happen. So to court we go. The battle begins. 

All my heart,

All my love,

Mommy

Miracle Grow 8/29/14

I see things

A little differently

Than others

I see people 

For who they are

Not what

I value honesty

Truth

I value love 

In it's purest form 

The love of a mother

To her daughter 

Born not of blood

But something greater...

I sit here beside you 

And I wish silently

That my children 

Had grown up 

With you

That I had 

That I had been able 

To grow with you 

As my caretaker 

Like one of your garden 

Flowers

Loved and sheltered 

But it wasn't meant to be

Instead you get me after

Life has wilted me some. 

But as my master gardener

You've tended my fragile new

Growth 

And let me feel the warmth 

Of the sun. 

I am learning

To be a good little

Flower

To show you that

I deserve your 

Love

To show them all

Just how much 

I've grown

With your blessing

Under your love

My Hero 8/21/14

When I was a little girl 

I thought you were god

I know I shouldn't. Say that 

But it's true

You were everything I thought 

God was supposed to be.

Handsome

Strong

Loving 

But firm

You were my hero

And I would have followed 

You anywhere

But I grew up

As little girls tend to do

But due to circumstances 

Far beyond reason

I wasn't meant to be with you

So our journeys parted

Mine took me into the bowls

Of hell and left me on the edge 

But this story isn't about me

From what I have leaned

Yours took you into the loving arms

Of your soul mate 

You had lives to save 

With your call to heal the sick

You had two more beautiful girls

That graced your life with their light 

And you found your way 

Into a strong relationship with god. 

When we met again 

After years apart

When I was standing 

On the edge of no return 

You saved me

You drew me back to life 

So that I could stay with my baby

So that I could see the

Gracious life I wanted to achieve

But I lost my way in my darkness 

And I wouldn't let myself believe

That I was worth saving

And you found yourself

Facing the battle of your life

I wasn't there for the beginning 

But I was there at the end.  

And I held your hand in mine

And kissed your cheek 

And asked god to tell you

That you're still my hero 

And now j know that you and god

Are up there guiding me 

And showing me the way

Out of the darkness 

And into your light. 

Daddy 8/15/14

Im not ready

To lose you

Daddy

Not ready to 

Face the rest of

My life 

Without your smile

Without your unique 

Sense of humor

Without your amazing 

Ability to see past the 

Bad in me

And find the good

In spite do all the 

Wrong I've done. 

The fear in me

At the thought of 

Living without you

In the world 

To lift me up 

When I've fallen

And to kick my ass 

When I'm acting like one 

Fills me with such 

Hopelessness 

I'm not ready

To lose you

Daddy...

Not at all...

But I will love you

Respect you

And keep the 

Promises I made

And I know you'll

Keep yours

Because you see

Once upon a time 

There was a little girl 

Who would wait for her 

Daddy 

To come home from work 

So that she could have 

Daddy and I time

Where she would pull off

His shoes and socks

And rub his feet

Until the time he 

Didn't come home...

Not for a long time

Not til the girl became 

A woman

And they had 

Met on the scortched bridge

That they had burnt 

From either end 

And together

They rebuilt it 

And now

The girl is older

And her daddy

Is ill

Sick with a most 

Horrid illness

And he stands 

Poised on the edge of

Now and forever

And she feels just like

A little girl again

Waiting for her daddy

To go home

Where he can be

Beyond the pain

Wishing him a good journey

But wishing selfishly 

For him to stay

Just a little longer

Cause of Death 7/25/14

I have been as insulted as 

A woman and a mother as 

I am going to allow 

As of today I am no longer

Going to sit and take this

Vicious slander 

From people who

Once called themselves 

Family... People who are

Unable to deal with certain 

Truths that I will spell out 

Once again

So that there is no mistake. 

I spoke again with the 

Funeral director today

Just to hear from him    

That there was no change 

From his original findings

My child passed away 

From SIDS. 

But for some reason 

Someone connected to

Her fathers family would 

Rather spread 

Lies and try to 

Justify Kairi's passing

By telling people that I 

Caused the death 

Of my angel. 

And it is because of this

Because they would all

Rather believe this bull shit

And allow this woman 

Who is speaking for them

Without having even known 

My child

That I have set on a course of

Action that I believe I have to. 

At the time of her passing 

I allowed her urn to include

The last name of this family

Because I believed I was doing 

The right thing

And today I ordered the new one

While I had the director on the phone

So that her name is correct

As it was on her birth certificate 

Because my give a shit has finally

Shattered where this is concerned 

I loved my daughter to distraction and 

I refuse to take this sickening 

Insult quietly. 

Letters to Kairi 7/24/14

My Dearest Daughter,

Words can not express the depth of my sorrow, my heartache at the loss of you. I feel like the loss of you was just the first in a long line of losses that I'm just supposed to endure and get through smiling and I have come to the realization that no matter what I do to better myself it won't matter in the scheme of things because without you I am an empty vessel. There's a hole in me where my heart once lived and when you died, you took it with you and I've come to believe that I am cursed. Perhaps this is a fitting penance for one such as me. 

I see all these people that say they loved you moving on and able to get over losing you enough to start new families and let people in and live every day like they weren't ripped apart, like it's so easy to get over. I look at them in disgust every time I hear them claim to have loved you because if they had, they would be just as broken as me... Wouldn't they? 

What is wrong inside of me that I'm so incapable of moving past this wall of ice surrounding me? How can they put the loss of you aside and go on living and loving like you weren't important?  I see evidence of these things every damned day and it makes me sick to the depths of my soul. Perhaps I hurt for them because I am unable to move on and play pretend games like its all okay.  I refuse to make a mockery of your sweet memory. 

I miss you. 

I love you. 

And I will never get over the loss of the brightest light in my life. 

Love forever and always,

Your Loving Momma

To Connie Lynn 7/21/14

I looked through you

And saw myself 

Fading 

On the other side 

I tried so hard 

To make myself 

Into someone 

You could love

But in the end 

I made you hate

All that I'd tried

So hard to be

This was my own mistake

I tried to love someone

Who couldn't love me

For what I was

Someone who took me

In hand and shaped me

Like clay, crushed me and 

Strangled what I was

Until I was without

A shape and form

Poured me out into

A mold I was too big

To fit

And left me there 

To wither and die

In the sunlight 

Just to make me 

Pretty enough

To make him feel

Strong

Worthy 

 

Pretty enough

To shelter the lie

That was his love

Until I began to 

Crack and chip away 

At the deceit 

And found a woman

Without form

For me to shape

This time

For me