Dear God 1/25/13

So I need you to talk to me
Stop being so fucking silent
Stop watching me make
All the wrong decisions
And just shaking your head
In disgust...
I get the fucking message
You didn't want me
The many times I tried
To die
So tell me
Why the fuck am I here
Why must I continue to feel
Such rage at you
Such disillusionment
Such disbelief in a God
Who would allow one of his
Children
To stray as far
As you allowed me
To go
Can you please
Just send me a damn message
That I can't deny
Tell me why
You allowed me
To fall this far
I'm sure you thought
You were teaching me
A well deserved lesson
And I have to give it up
To you...
You taught me well
Never to believe
In anything
Never to trust
That God will
Intervene...
Because I know now
I get it
Message
Received

Letter to My Rapist 30 1/25/13

I want nothing more

Than to forget

That you exist... 

Nothing more than 

To eradicate this

Feeling inside of me

This darkness

You used 

To destroy 

A child

In one moment

You created

Something

You never expected...

You created this 

Monster

That lives and breathes

Inside me

Buried deep beneath 

My soul

Staining everything black

So that I can't see 

Past the red haze 

Of my rage

Sometimes I go back there

To that place 

To where you left my childhood

To where you left my innocence

And I still see

The blood 

I still see

I still feel

I still remember

I always will

Because you can't 

Erase

What you did

And what it made me

RAGE 1/25/13

The unimaginable gall of some people
To make assumptions
When they know absolutely
Nothing of the truth

Trying to hurt someone
That you can't hurt
With the bull shit
You're slinging

Here's the flaw
In your grand design...
You are wrong
In every way
A person could
Be wrong

So grow the fuck up
Because you're doing
Nothing more
Than making me ache
To prove it

Swelling 1/21/13

Is it supposed to
Hurt this much
To love someone
Like I love you
Is it supposed to
Ache inside
When you find
You're not as
Desired
In return

My body is changing
Growing every day
Swelling with the
Proof of my love
With the new life
We've made
I couldn't love you
More if I tried

But I feel
Like you're pulling away
And for the life of me
I can't figure out
What I've done
To make this
Happen

I've changed
So much
Not so much for you
As because of you
I've been working
So hard on me
And just lately
I feel
Like it's been
In vain

I'm finding
That no matter
How good
I try to be
It isn't good enough
For you
It isn't clean enough
For you
It isn't enough
It never will be

Embedded 1/20/13

I let you in
And I wonder why
I allowed
Such
Vulnerabilities
In me
Because I let
You in
Too deeply
To remove you

Now I find
It's no longer
Enough
To feel you
Inside me
I need
Your affection
Now
More
Than I've ever
Thought
Possible

I'm not the type
To allow a man
Power
Over me
But you
Somehow
Have
Invaded
Even the parts
Of me
That I thought
I'd hidden...
But I've found
You
Even that
Deeply
Embedded

And you
Terrify
Me

Unstable... 1/18/13

Standing on the
Tightrope
Feet, body,
Arms stretched out
On both sides
Trying desperately
To find my balance
Because this time
I'm working
Without a net

I have nothing,
No one
To catch me
If God forbid,
I fall
Once again

Trying to find stability
In the unstable world
That I made for me
That I created
Out of crazy glue
And what pieces of me
I picked up
Along the way

But even I know
Even I can see
That this tightrope
Is frayed at both ends
And right smack
In the middle
Hangs the noose
That's just waiting
Just aching
For me to fall

Because only
The noose
Is waiting
This time

Kari Strikes Again 1/16/13

"There once was a very litlltle girl
She seemed to me a little doll of my own
So beautiful and so full of life
She'd dance, on the floor, dance across the room and make everyone smile
One day a person made her very sad and my little doll was never the same
She did her best to make herself happy
She tried to make a life, make a family but there was always a hole in her heart she couldn't fill.
When you can't fill the hole with the good stuff, sometimes you fill it with bad things. 
You are so hurt that nothing fills the hurt but bad things. 
A girl, a beautiful girl that danced on her toes is no longer accessible, she's still there inside but lost from damage.
She can come out again, never the same, different and damaged.
She does everything she can to make things right, but "right" sometimes is unattainable when you're lost.
Coming back to "normal" is never a feeling of normal. 
Coming back to your people is never going to be easy or maybe even possible for some.
For my little dolly that danced on her toes...
I will always be there, always love you and be in your corner as long as you're honest and truthful.
I love you and always will....forever!"

*** And she does it again...
       My amazing cousin
       Kari Sue Fitzgibbons-Hampson
       Has captured my heart
       And run with it!!!!
       I loved you with such intensity
       As a child
       And every day, 
       From that one
       To this!!!
***

Letter To My Rapist 29 1/15/13

So here we are again...
I had a conversation
About you today...
And now here you are
Forefront in my mind

When I talk about you
All I can remember
Is the degradation
The pain
Of you
Pushing yourself
Inside of me
Where you never
Never belonged

I have done
"Take back the night" walks
Testimonials about
What you did to me
And it does
It helps
When I let it out
So, here I go again
Talking about it
So that I can heal

I remember
Very clearly
When I woke up
And you were
On top of me
While I lay
Face down
In the dirt
While your buddy
Held me down by the wrists
And the weight of you
Just before
You entered me
You killed me
You filled me with hatred
And you set me loose
On a world
I was never able
To see without
Your darkness
Invading me
From the inside out
Making me feel like
Nothing more than
A dirty
Used up
Whore

And now that things
Have finally gotten
To a point where
I can live without
Your ever present
Memory,
I am proudly moving
Forward...
Even though
You're still there
You're no longer
Part of the demon
Inside of me...
No longer
Holding me down
Holding me back
From having
A real life

Of You, Of Us... 1/15/13

Hiding...
Just under my skin
This beast
This absolute belief
That I am no good
That I am not worthy
Of you
Of us

Gnawing on my
Resolve
To be better
Than this
Animal
This thing I
Created
To eat away
At everything
I loved

So here I am
Starting anew
And I have
Moments
Where all I can think
Is that
I'm wrong
I'm not worthy
Of this
Of you
Of us

Because there's so much
That you still don't know
That lives inside of me
And it hurts,
It aches
Inside of me
On nights like tonight
Nights like tonight

Beyond 1/15/13

Somehow
You've looked beyond
The scars I wear
The guard I thought
Would be there to save me
From someone like you

Someone who could
Look beyond
All that I was
To see all that I am
All that I could be

And now...
When I'm starting to
Learn how life
Is supposed to be
Lived
I'm learning
To look beyond

To look over
The pain
Of my past
And into
What could be
Beyond
The fence...

A look inside
The windows
That I always felt
I was looking into
From the outside

Beyond the
Disillusionment
Of my yesterdays

Except My Own... 1/12/13

There are so many things
That I wish I could have been
So many things
That sit in me now
Like pieces of a photograph
That lay scattered on the floor

I wanted to be a heroine
The kind of person that
Little girls wanted to grow up
To be just like
But instead I gave in
To heroin

I wanted to light the world
On fire
With the music inside me
But all I did
Was burn the me
Out of me

So much I wished for
That got lost in the ashes
Of the life
I destroyed
And I took all that I loved
Right along with me
On my path of self destruction

And here I sit tonight
Continuing with my "Emo rant"
But things have changed
So much now
Inside me
That even I
Can't believe it
When I see it

I am becoming
So much more
Than I ever was
Than I ever dreamed
I was capable of
And I'm finally
Beginning to like
This new me

I no longer have dreams
Of being famous
Of being rich
Of being anyone's heroine

Except my own
For once...

My Beautiful Cousin/Soul Mate KSFH 1/12/13

"The baby walking on her happy tiptoes
The teen crying her fathers woes
The cousin wishing
I could have saved her foes
Many bad's
I wish I could have saved
Many bad's
I would have fought
All to love you,
All to save you
There's nothing I wouldn't have done
To save you from this beast.
There's nothing I wouldn't have done
To prove I love you Bre!!!!!!!!!"


This was written to me tonight from my cousin and soul mate
Kari Sue Fitzgibbons-Hampson

Who's light shines inside me
Even in my darkest moments
Who's faith in this new me that I have become
Has helped begin a healing inside of me
I never dreamed possible
I have always looked up to you
I have always loved you and your
Impossible ability to see the good in me
That even I couldn't find...
But never before
Have I dreamed
That there was something 
Worth redeeming
Inside of me
Until you....
Until you...

If God is kind,
He/She will allow me to grow
Into even just a tenth
Of the 
Soulful,
Compassionate,
And absolute
Amazing woman
That you embody

I love you more now
That we are big kids
Than I ever imagined
And my hope
Is that we will remain
United
As soul sisters
Until we get to
Join our Grandma Sylvia
Who's light and beauty
I have always seen
Burning bright
Inside of you

Again,
And forever...
I love you
And always will

Savior 1/12/13

Never
Have I hoped for
Or imagined
I'd ever have
Someone like you
In my life

Someone I could
Be completely open with
Completely honest with
Without you turning away
In disgust at who and what
I have been

Someone I can tell
Just how far I've fallen
Without watching you
Walk away

Someone I love
More than what you've done
More than for the light
You're putting back
Into my life

Someone who's saved me
In so many ways

And I believe,
I hope
I've gotten
To the point where
You believe
As well

Words 1/10/13

So now
The words have been said
And it's over
The hoping
That I could change
That you could forgive
The mistakes I made

Hope is something
I hadn't allowed myself
To feel
And now I know
Hope is a lie
Hope is something
I should never have
Opened the door for

You were so much
A part of my life
You were an annoying
Little sister...
Following me around
When we were kids
And when we grew
The tables turned
And you showed me
The amazing woman
You tried so hard
To hide

The music inside of you
Would light my soul
On fire
And still does
It still does

I will always love you
No matter the distance
Between your heart and mine
I will always love you
Even if you'd rather I stopped
I can't turn off the tide
And I'm sorry if you
Dislike my answer
You mean too much
To who I was
And who I've become

Run... 1/9/13

I don't know why

I feel like I need to run 

Far away into the night

Tonight

I'm trying so damn hard

To make myself 

Into something

Someone I never believed

I could be

And tonight

I feel so far

Removed

That I just feel

The need to 

Run...

Sometimes I wonder

How you could possibly

Love someone 

Like me

And I wouldn't blame you

If you changed your mind

If you decided I'm too much

Of everything you're not

And just that thought alone

Makes me want to 

Run...

Straight back

To the home

I don't feel like I belong to

To the life

I don't deserve

To the love

That is too good

For someone

So broken

So ready

To run...

To My Blockers... 1/9/13

So here's the thing

Someone was able 

To open my bitch tap

And now it's time for me

To spill

Who the living fuck

Do you think you are?

Oh, that's right, 

You were one of the many

Who were too good 

To give a shit

When I needed you the most

You were one that called 

Yourself a real friend

And then found 

You were ankle deep

In your own 

Bullshit story

About how much 

You cared.

About what a friend

You were turning out

To be

And now... 

You think that you have

Absolutely ANY right

To sit in judgement on me???

I kind of know how you feel

When you once looked down 

On me and found me wanting

Because the tables have turned

And your friendship 

Has been seen 

For what it really is

You never tried,

You never cared outside yourself

Not once when I was in hell

Would you have stepped up 

And helped

So now that you think

Your insults and your 

Innuendo 

Are making and impact, 

I just have to let you know

You're wasting your breath

You're a few years too late

To make me feel a damn thing

I'm so much more 

Than I've ever been 

And I know I'm better 

Than you ever gave me credit for

I have people now 

That know the meaning of 

What it means to be a friend

I don't need people like you.

So self absorbed that your 

Sentiments 

Sound just like what they are

An attempt to make yourself 

Feel better

For letting go

Of someone

Who'd never been anything

But a friend to you

Lost 1/8/13

Tired of waiting 

To regain my sanity

To find solace in the 

Recall of my 

Yesterdays

Tired of waiting

For the next shoe to fall

For the ax to drop

One more time

On what happiness

I have found

Tired
So tired
Of feeling
Lost

Choking 1/8/13

I'm so tired

Of putting my heart 

Where it belongs

And having it 

Thrown in pieces

Back into my face

And shoved 

Down my throat

To choke on

So I'm just done

Making the first move

Being the one 

Who's always doing

This wrong

Perhaps it's time

For you

To show me

You want me here

In this life we're 

Attempting to make

I don't know which

Way I'm supposed to 

Turn from here...

Impersonation 1/8/13

She's nothing but a shell
Nothing but a bad
Impersonation of who
She used to be
Allowed so many others
To take away small pieces
Of the runaway train she once was
That she's just empty
Just a shell now
That they all find
Acceptable
Because God forbid
You become something
More than normal
Someone worth something
She lived years as a shadow
Hiding from the light
So they wouldn't see the
Wrong that would build
Inside her chest
Until it hurt to hold it there
Where her heart used
To reside
She'd keep her damn trap shut
Until the dam broke
Until there was nothing
Left worth saving
Of herself
Until she took those last
Measured steps
From conformity
To brilliance
So that when she finally
Looked back
On those who found her wanting
She was able to find peace
Within herself for the first time
In forever
So that she's finally found the woman
She was meant to be
So she was able to kill
The impersonator
The impostor
That lived
Just beneath
The skin

Just One Moment... 1/7/13

If I had a moment
Just one
To hold you in my arms
To hold you to my heart
To feel your little arms
Around my neck
And hear the words
I long to hear
It would destroy my will
Destroy my decision
To stay away
For the good of you
That's all it would take
To hear your sweet voice
Say "Mommy"
In surprise
Because no matter the time
No matter the distance
I will feel you
From across the way
As will you
And like two people
Ravaged from the war
We will find each other
And we will love
Again
Because his bitterness
His malice toward me
Should never have
Stopped us from seeing
Each other
After my war
Had been waged
And baby,
It has been hell
Without you