Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Lyndi... 5/7/13

I have such bittersweet thoughts tonight
I am missing you, my Irelynd, so badly
There are so many things I want to say
So many things that I need to atone for
So much time that I've lost
That I can't get back
That I can't make right
No matter how hard I try
I want to be your mother
The mother you deserve
I want to share with you
The fact that you're going to be
A big sister...
Because I'm sure no one's told you yet
That you'll have a baby sister soon
Who I know that you would love
To have a real baby doll
Of your own to love

I know that I've done wrong
That I've messed everything up
But there needs to come a time
When this separation ends
The only reason I haven't been there
Is because of money...
Because I can't pay this stupid fine
That is keeping me from going back
And showing them all
That I have a good life to offer
That I have my shit together
That I'm clean, have been clean
And I am staying that way so that
I can be what you need...

You already have an amazing father
Despite his hatred for me
I can not and will not ever
Talk down about all he has done
He has stepped up and not only made
A good life for you
But he's devoted himself to you
And I'm woman enough to admit it

But damned if he can't swallow his pride
And just allow a real visit between you and I
One where you can play and be a kid
Instead of watched and scrutinized
Allowed only an hour a week
To have a real relationship
Time that is spent only in hello's
And heart wrenching separations
That hurt more than help

I know that I can't atone
For all the time I have already lost
But believe me
When the day comes
And you and I are separated no more
We will finally
Be able to begin healing

And I ache for that day more
And more
Every moment
That we are apart

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