Sleepless 10/03/12

I can't shut my head off tonight
I can't seem to let go and let it be
So here I am trying to reason it through
But I just keep coming back to the same

I'm terrified
Completely and utterly
I don't know which end is up anymore
I'm really losing something in this finding

I lay beside you
And I fear what you'll do 
How you'll react when you see me 
For what I really am

Someone that isn't all in here
I've left so many pieces of me scattered
So much history that if I lay it all out
I'll lose you in the telling

How the hell did I get here
I tried to put up the wall
Swore I'd never let this happen 
I'd never allow this type of heart ache

So I fear you
Because I've let something happen here
That I wasn't expecting
I let you in
I've given you the weapon
And I'm just waiting 
For the wound

Am I Normal Yet? 10/2/12

I see the change in me

Don't you?

The fact that I really

Just don't give a shit

About much anymore

Not about your feelings

Not about my own

Not about much of anything

That normal people feel

So by now I've figured out 

That I'm not normal

Nor do I care to be any longer

I don't look for your approval

I don't care if I ever had it or 

If I ever will

Not like I used to

Like I've found a way to be numb

Without the drugs...

Numb is better...

You can't hurt someone who

Doesn't remember what it's 

Like to feel 

You can't kill someone 

Who's already dead inside

Judgement 10/2/12

I'm so fucking tired
Of trying to explain myself
So I guess I'm going to try this
Another way...

What gives you the right
To sit in judgement on me
On my choices
On my short comings

I already know my failures
I take full measure of my
Ineptitude...
I didn't need your help then
And I don't need it now
I know just what I've done
Exactly where I've been

I know that eventually I'll
Stand alone in hell
And account for all I've done
For everything I saw that I didn't stop
Everything I am that I couldn't change
And for every life I took along the way

But here's something I don't think
You've been expecting to hear
I will not die ashamed
Not for one damn thing
I might have choked on my own
Inability to right it,
But at least I've faced it
And I'll continue to face it

Inside Out 10/2/12

Sometimes I wonder
Just what I'd look like
If what was on the inside
Showed on the out

I know damn well
That I don't make sense
That I'll never be
What you think I should
Who you want me to

I wonder sometimes
Would you have looked
At me if you knew what
Was really in here

If what was inside of here
Had clawed it's way out years ago
I'd probably be dead by now
As dead as I am inside already

I don't claim innocence
I don't portray the good girl
I know I don't make sense
What's your excuse?

I wish I'd known what
Hate tasted like
Years ago
Maybe I could have
Saved me from me

So I'm spilling it out
All the anger I've stored
Inside me all these years
Hate that I'm trying to
Save me from

Killer 10/1/12

Sometimes, I see faces of people
That somewhere inside
I know I've killed before
I know I've tried
To kill this one bitch
That just doesn't stay the
Hell out of my head
About a million times
I lose her for a while
Somewhere beyond the needle
Somewhere beyond oblivion
She doesn't like it when I let
The blackness out of me
She doesn't like me like this
With half a mind to know better
Than to fill up on bull shit
To fill up on, well,
You

Tori Tori Tori

You say the word
You know I will find you
Or if you need some time
I don't mind
I don't hold on to
The tail of your kite

Am I like the
Girls that you've known
But I believe
I'm worth coming home to
Kiss away night
This girl
Only Sleeps
With Butterflies

Faithless 10/01/12

Just don't
Okay?
Just don't put your faith
In someone as faithless as me

Someone so broken
So shattered
That it's almost as though
I'm a few pieces shy
Of make believe

So just don't
Alright?
Don't make me believe
In me again

Seems like every time I try
I just fuck it up a little harder
The next round

And I really don't want to see
What I'll become after this

Scars 9/26/12

Just like a road map
Telling the story of my mistakes
I try to let it go
But it never really escapes

You look at someone like me
And what you see brings disgust
Nothing but a filthy addict
Someone you know better than to trust

You believe my scars show you
Who I am, where I've been
Shooting up and breaking down
My monster waking up again

What you see are the outward scars
Not the ones I really hide
Those are buried
Deep inside

Just like a novel
I've written on my skin
Of my hurt,
Of my sins
Of my dissolusionment

Friendship & Other Lies 9/24/12

A saying that I'm particularly fond of goes something like this...
"A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart...
And who can sing it back to you, when you've forgotten the words..."

So this goes out to you
The ones that turned your backs
The ones that helped the heart ache grow
Into an inferno of hate
The ones who showed me
Just how broken
My give-a-shit
Really is

Perhaps if just one of you
Just one
Had come to my aid
When I'd really needed you
I wouldn't feel the way I do now
About you

You take a person like me
Yes, I got high
Yes, I shot up
Yes, I destroyed everything
And everyone around me
But I don't deny my past
I confront it
I believe in full disclosure
Not like you do...

How is what you do any better?
You get high on yourself
You shoot up on your belief that you're
   better than I am
You really see yourself as something
Somehow better
Because mine was a physical drug
Yours just happens to be a secret
You don't try to hide

But you forget...
I was there when you fell as well
I remember everything
Every bit of your disgrace

Yes me,
This bitch with a filthy mouth
With a filthy past
Who's apparently no fucking good
In your eyes...

Was always there for you

Sundays Revelations 9/23/2012

So here I sit.
Thinking about you
As I do every single moment
Of every single day.

Missing you both with
Every fiber of my being
With the ferocity that
Only a mother can feel

Had my inadequacies
Thrown in my face today
One more time
Had reiterated what a
Piece of shit you all
Consider me

One day
You'll all see
How wrong you were
How wrong you always were
To believe the worst
In what you thought was me

But that was the me
That you knew then
The one that
Let you think whatever
Just to shut you up

But I'm not that girl
Not now, and not then
But I'm done with you believing
That you'll get what you want
Out of the old me
By showing you, at last
The me I finally found

Little Girl Gone... 9/22/2012 (Explicit-Rape)

Yours is a memory
I've tried time and again
To rip out of my soul
To tear it out of my head
But it still burns...

I've only just started dealing
With the aftermath
Of your inability to understand
That what you two did to me
Has helped shape me
Into the empty, crazy bitch
You see today

I was only a child
Innocent at the time
One crack from your bottle
And I was on the ground
When I came to
I was innocent
No more

You'd ripped my shorts
In your haste to get
To what you coveted
You ripped me apart
In every way you could
And passed me off
To the friend you had
Helping to hold me down
Waiting his turn
He was just as violent
Almost a frantic fuck

And I just laid there
Covered in blood, semen, and tears
Pretending I was somewhere else
Pretending I was someone else
Someone who didn't just lose her
Innocence to two drunks
Who'd caught her unaware.

Unaware that there were men
In this already fucked up world
Who feel they can take
Whatever they want
And never pay the price

I didn't make a sound
How I've hated myself
For being a coward
For believing they would make good
On their promise that if I just
Kept my mouth shut
They'd let me go home
They'd let me be a little girl again

But they lied...

I'm a big girl now
Grown up without the things
They ripped out of me
The normal things...
Like self-esteem
Like self-respect
Like even a half formed
Ounce of give a shit
About the feelings of people
Who'd rip the innocence out
Of a girl just passing by
Of a girl who thought she was safe
But you showed her
Safe was a relative term
Not something real anymore

I always felt that I was broken
That there was something
Inherently wrong with me
But I no longer believe it
I believe that when you
Tore away my innocence
You started the cracks
That were bound to shatter
Under the pressure I applied
All by myself...

And it didn't take much
To anhilate me
Just a few violent, painful thrusts
That started the avalanche
That became my life
That became my normal
That made it okay to me
To make myself numb
To stop living a life at all
To only just exist
To stop feeling anything

Anything but the rage you
Deposited in my soul
About the same time
You deposited yourself
In any entry point you could
Force your way inside of
And ripped away my innocence
With every grunt of pleasure
While inside I was
Screaming in pain
In rage
In memory
Of the little girl that was
Who would never be again

Redemption 9/21/2012

I’ll begin by saying that I’m done
Being numb
I’ve been slowly awakening from 
This nightmare 
I call life

It hurts so much
That you won’t see me
That you won’t speak to me
That you won’t let me ease the ache
In my chest, In my heart
This void
That engulfs me 
Since you’ve turned away

I remember your first moment of life
The first breath you took
The first time you opened your 
Kalidascope eyes
And stared straight into
My soul, 
Straight into 
My heart

I did this baby, 
No one else made me
Mess up everything 
You loved 
And no one else 
Feels this loss 
Like you do
Like I do

I want so badly
To take you and run away
So that we can fix us
But I know that you’re not ready

I swear baby
I’m done being a failure
I’m done being someone you
Can’t respect
I’m done with the drugs
That took me to places 
I never wanted to see in the first place
That took me 
From you

I did this
And it’s time for the un-doing
Because I’ve been un-done by this
I feel like I’ve been 
Verbally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically
Anihilated

And I’m tired of knowing
All the things you’ve been told 
That were lies 
I want to show you
The mom you never had the chance
To know

I miss you more than 
ANYTHING in this life
I’m not asking for forgiveness
I’m begging for redemption

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My Newest Fear 9/19/2012

I always thought I knew
What it is to fear...
But I'm learning
A whole new type
Of terror.

I've already lost
Everyone
Everything
Every ounce
Of pride
Of hope

So why did you
Have to come along
And show me
All the things
I fear

I'm so afraid of losing
These feelings
You've evoked
You've reawakened
You've pulled out
Of the darkest parts
Of me...

I didn't see you coming
I really didn't expect
Thought my heart was
Dead and shattered

But you pulled out
The pieces
And you're showing me
That even though
It will never be
The way it used to be
It's still in there...

I wasn't expecting you
But God I'm so glad
You came along
I'm always afraid
Of falling...

And you terrify me
Because I think...
I hope
I pray
That you'll catch me
When I do

Falling 9/18/2012 (explicit-Rape)

So I'm falling

Down the rabbit hole

Trying not to land 

Face down

Staring down my past

With a new 

Ferocity

A tiny ray

Of hope

That maybe someday

Somehow,

I'll find the me

I'm supposed to be

The girl you can 

Be proud of

Just maybe

Just maybe

I'll become the someone

Who will show you all

What rage does 

What hate creates 

Inside the shell of a woman

You all looked over

And found wanting...

I'm no longer 

Your scapegoat

The one you use 

As an example of 

What happens 

When you lose 

All hope

All faith

When you finally lose

Your mind

So I'm falling down this

Rabbit hole

Refusing to land

Face down

I'll finally fill the 

Emptiness 

That your scathing superiority 

Left chewed out 

Spread naked 

On the ground

Bleeding,

Begging

Fearing the raw intent

Pouring out of you eyes

With every thrust

You violate my 

Soul

You couldn't take enough

I remember standing

Holding my cloths together

Afraid to stand and run

Afraid to hope that

It was all a nightmare

With every step. 

Every ounce of blood

Every hurt I felt

Every thought of revenge

I kept my silence....

But no more

No more

I'm a child 

No more

I was innocent

But no more

For You 9/18/2012

They say you can't teach
An old dog new tricks
So all this newness 
Is really messing 
With this bitch...

Homelessness, restlessness
Inability to feel
Anything
But you're waking me up

Foreign words
Others take for granted
You're showing me
What it is 
To be me.

How?
You've woken me up
You're showing me 
What my world 
Should have been
But never was
Never would be

I'm terrified
To let you know
You've woken up 
My shattered heart
You've taken all my 
Insecurities 
You've thrown them
To the wind

And now my fear grows
I've lost everything 
That's ever mattered to me
And I think that now
Now that I'd like to show you
How much I've begun to feel
That I'll lose you as well

Because you matter...
More than you know.
You've taken root 
In my soul

For you alone
I'm wide open
Wide awake

For you...

You 9/14/2012

You've given me something
Something I haven't found in years
Something I forgot how to feel
Something I thought I'd lost

You've shown me things
Things that part of me fears
Things like acceptance

Filthy 9/14/2012

What the fuck is wrong with you?
Where do you get off?
Thinking that I exist
Only to let you get your rocks off

The path to my heart
Doesn't begin in my pussy
It starts a lot higher up
But you weren't looking for my heart
Were you?


I've heard it said
Time and again
That I'm nothing but a filthy slut
Because you don't see the rage
I bury deep down


It's people like you
That make me laugh
You think you're something, someone unique
Like you're an unforgettable piece yourself
But you can't fuck your way out

But here's the change up

I am a filthy bitch
But not the way you think
I can let you have your pleasure
But I'd rather bring you pain

My All 09/12/2012

So many voices
I hear you
I feel you
You become a part of me
And I give my all

So many choices
I beat you
I bleed you 
But never 
Never believe you

So many bruises
So much blood
So much anguish
And I give it all 

And to you
I give my all
To you 
I give my all

When It All Falls Apart

Who do you turn to?
When no one even remembers your name?
Who do you turn to?
When all the fight’s gone out of your game?
The pain inside just never ends,
 nothing matters,
 no one can.
When all you crave comes much too late, 
 when not even god will try to relate. 
This is the monster that I live to hide,
 and no one cares that it’s there inside.
When you push so hard you start to bleed,
 then you’ll know what’s inside of me.
How can you tell me you know how it feels,
 when you’ve never lived inside my skin.
How can you tell me you know how it is,
 when the thought of touching the ones you love make you want to cringe.
I invite you to step inside my hell. 
To take a step away from your safe little shell. 
And when you finally understand how I feel inside, 
You won’t ask yourself why I want to die.
My guts are twisted into knots,
 my skin crawling away. 
This is the monster that 
I live to hide and no one cares
 that it’s there inside.

You Asked...

Tired
I've been up too long.
Sitting here staring at a screen
Looking for meaning
In a meaningless world
Calm
I'm calmly plotting
My next fuckup
My unbelievable belief
That what I know to be true
Has just undergone
A dramatic change
Lies
How can you even
Look me in the face?
When everything you
Ever stood for
Was nothing
But lip service.
Honor
As far as I'm concerned
You lack honor
Your complete lack
Of imagination
Of staying power
Endings
Thank you
For getting out
For running scared
From responsibility
From the truth
Why am I writing all this?
You asked...Or maybe that was me...