Letters to My Rapist 4 10/6/12

Here we go again
Seems like I've been 
Writing to you
Constantly

My biggest issue 
Is that I've been able
To put you out of my
Head up until now
I've been 
Filling myself up on 
Heroin and hate
To stave off 
The emptiness

But things have changed

I've found someone
That makes me ache
To be whole
And I bleed myself 
Almost hourly
With the knowledge
That I'll never be
Good enough
Or clean enough
For him
Thanks to you

He doesn't see me
The way you did
The way I do now
Somehow he sees more
Than your filthy
Little fuck-toy

How I wish you hadn't 
Destroyed me

I'm here
Aching with the need
To punish you

I'll end up leaving this man
So that I don't taint him 
With the filth you left
Buried in me
So that he doesn't 
End up suffering
The way I do

And if that happens
Trust me
You'll learn first hand
What rape does 
To everything
You cherish
To everything
You are

That's one promise
I can make

The Weapon & The Wound 10/6/12

I've handed you a weapon
And I'm just waiting for the wound
I've given you everything you need
To completely massacre me

I'm tired
Of feeling like
Purgatory is too
Good for me

I've given you all
The ammunition
You'll ever need
To put me
In the ground
For good

I told you
That I love you
But forgot to mention
That I believe
I need you
Like I need air

I don't know what
You've done to
My resolve
To be a
Disappointment
To everyone
I touch

I've handed you the weapon
My heart
And I'm just waiting
For the wound

Temporary Heaven 10/6/12

Is this just
A temporary
Heaven
For someone
The devil
Isn't done with yet

Being here
Has been almost
A vacation
From
Bedlam
But I know
They're coming
To collect me
Soon enough

It's felt
So good
To escape the
Straight jacket
Of my past
For even just
A little while

But lately
Just lately
Bedlam's been
Calling
Looking for
Their favorite
Fuck up

Measure 10/6/12

Tired of waiting
For the axe to drop
And cut me out
Of this life
I shouldn't be living

I swear,
If you take what
Little goodness
Is left inside me
And measure it
You'd see
Just how black
My innocence
Bleeds

You can't see
The things I've seen
Live the way I have
And not
Corrupt your soul
Not decimate
Your sanity
And I feel
The madness
Seeping out
Again

Hostage 10/6/12

Do you realize
How hard
It hurts
To love you

That I'd probably
Give just about anything
To remember how
Emptiness feels
In this moment

Because you've filled
Me in so many ways
That I'll never be
This hollow whore
That I know
Myself to be
Again

Never knew
You could hold a heart
Hostage
This way
Knowing damn well
Your ransom will
Never be paid

Letters to My Rapist 3 10/5/12

There is a monster
That lives inside me
It feeds on my insecurity
It thrives on my rage
It never, never
Let's me out
Of it's iron grip
On my will
It's a demon
That I invited in

One I shaped
One I carefully
Saved from the pile
Of ashes I left
Laying at your
Feet
The night you took
The little girl
Out of me

The night
I left purity
Behind...
From a light
I was never meant
To achieve
I get so tired
Of fighting it

I am the monster

At the end of
This diary of
Rage I play out
I am the one
That keeps me
Locked inside
But you're the one
That sealed it tight
When you dumped
Your seed
Inside me

The seed
That helped me
Grow into the
Undeniable cunt
That your daughter
Now reads about
When she clicked the
Wrong button on
Facebook

Do you have any clue
How bad
I want to blow
Your shit apart
Every time she comments
On these posts?

You might have made
Me the monster at the
End of this book,
But she doesn't deserve
You for a father
Let alone
To have another
Little girl
Have her illusions
Be destroyed
But this time
By me

Jason 10/5/12 2:01am

I recently made a comment
To someone close to me
That I believe that I
Died during one of my
Many overdoses
And I'm in hell
Right now
And I think
It's quite possible I'm
More correct in that
Assumption
Than I originally thought

I think you're part of my penance
I think you were sent to me to show
Me that there were good things
In this world that I missed
And the devil
Is just taunting me
With you
With your goodness
And my lack thereof
And I'm trying desperately to
Cling to the belief that
I'm wrong
That you were put in my
Path for a reason
Perhaps to help me
Save me from me

But these are things
I just confuse myself with
Things I tell myself to
Keep my guts from
Pouring out of me
Every time I'm in your
Presence lately
It seems
I'm just dying
To tell you
How hard it is
Not to spill my
Soul out into your
Safe-keeping

You didn't come to me that night
For what you got in return
So I won't blame you
I couldn't fault you
When you decide
You've had enough
But you're too much
Of everything I'm not

I know I could pass
Anything into your hands
And you'd make right
What wasn't right to begin
I could let you fix
My fucked up way
Of seeing everything
But I won't let you
I refuse to drag you
Into my hell

I tried so hard
Not to let my heart get
Awakened from it's
Hibernation from life
But you stole in
When I wasn't looking
And showed me
Everything I don't deserve
Do you want anything
Even remotely close
To how badly I want
To be able to call you
Mine

But I know better

I deserve to be tormented
This way
To be shown someone I'd
Never imagined I'd
Ever be confronted with
Someone I already
God forgive me,
I already know I'm
In love with
And know with
Every breath I take
That I don't deserve those
Words in return

So here I sit
One more night
Alone with myself
While you sleep
Trying desperately
To stop myself from
Running away
Before I end up
In pieces
Before I end this
Without a needle
Without a drug
It would almost be
Too easy

If this is the devils
Way of showing me
What I've missed
Then I guess I need to
Re-vamp my way of thinking
And I need to come to
Terms with the fact
That I need
To thank him
For taunting me
With the dream
Of you

Because 
If this is hell
I don't care
To see
Heaven

Conversations With Myself 10/4/12

Just get it out of your head girl
Just forget that you love loving him
That you'd probably lay down and
Die for this man
This man who's opened you up
In so many ways
You'd never imagined
Possible

Just keep telling yourself
That he'll eventually let you down
That he'll eventually find out
Just what you really are
A flat out fake
A consummate liar
A flagrant fuck up
He'll pull out of you
So much more than you
Have to lose

How badly you'd like to be
In there right now
Able to lay beside him and
Sleep the way you wish you could
Peacefully
Without pulling away
So you don't taint him
With your filth

So you sit here with me
Drinking vodka and wishing
It was heroin
Wishing you could just forget
What it feels like to feel
Wishing you could let go
Of me...
Of you...

Uncertain 10/4/12

I'm not whole
I'm not the person
You think I am
Sometimes I think
I'm not even real...
That I'm just some
Seriously fucked up
Version of the real me
That I'm just some
Made up persona
That I dreamed up
To make myself feel better
About the truth
You seriously don't want to
Get close to someone like me
Someone so ripped apart
Inside that she doesn't
Remember where the lie ends
And truth begins
I have way too damn much
On my mind lately
Way too fucking much
Can't seem to make sense of
Anything anymore
Not anything real
So tired of trying that
I'm sure eventually
I'll figure out a way
To end all this chaos
To end all this uncertainty

Letters to My Rapist 2... 10/4/12

Do you have any idea
How fucking bad I want to
Get my hands on you today
Any fucking clue
On how badly I hate you
For making me realize
That you ruined this
For me
Years before it ever began
The things I'd do to you
If you were in front of me
I can think of tortures
You never imagined possible
For the likes of you
Filthy fucking son-of-a whore
You asked for this
When you took my cherry
And chewed it to shit
Do you know how good it would
Feel to name you here
To let people know just what
Hides inside of you
To let your wife,
Your children
In on your infidelity
Of your corruption
In the darkness of your soul
But I'm choosing to keep my
Trap shut
So that someday
I can gift you
With what you deserve
From me to you
Your victim

Exile 10/4/12

Would you please
Just throw me back
Down among the wolves
Let them
Suck the marrow
Out of the lies that
Drip so sweetly
From your lips
You make me want things
I can't have
I can't be more
Than what I am
I'm sure, so sure
That I'm not worth
A tenth of you
You've become the
Reason for my emotional
Exile,
Because if I don't keep
Myself one carefully
Measured step ahead
In anticipation
Of you defection
It will take the last
Ounce of pride I cling to
I'm tired of wanting
Something I can't have
So tired of bleeding
That I'm ready
To finally
Just let go
Of this
Of you

Disgust 10/4/12

Do you know 

How badly I want

To be what you think

I could be

But how much

It hurts to know 

I'll never be

Can you put yourself

In my shoes

Can you understand

The insanity that

I keep inside

I don't believe you can 

I don't believe 

You should try

You think I'm worth saving

And I'm calling your bluff

I know better

I'm not worth the effort

I'm not worth your sweat

I'm not worth a tenth of you

And you should know that 

By now.

I just don't know what it's 

Going to take for you

To see me as I really am

You frustrate me to no end

When you pretend I'm someone 

I'm absolutely not

Nor will I ever be

No matter how you dress me up

No matter how many times you

Tell yourself that I could be

Someday better than this

You make me want to believe

But it's so dangerous for me

To believe in you

Because not one thing I've

Ever believed in 

Has ever come to fruition

Not one

And when the day comes 

That I finally prove that I'm

Just as I say I am

I'm just as unclean

Just as fucked up and 

Faithless as I told you I'd be

I don't think I'll be able 

To handle the disgust I'll 

See in your eyes

Disgust I deserve

Lies I Tell Myself 10/4/12

Time
For me
To put on
My big girl
Underpants
And grow the
Fuck up

Time
For me
To realize
That this world
Owes me nothing

Time
For me
To stop the
Craziness inside
The shell
Of me

Time
For me
To become
Something more
Than this
Empty whore

Time
For me
To forget
What this
Hatred tastes like

Time
For me
To remember
What peace
Feels like
Without
The insanity
Of heroin

Time
For me
To be better
Than what
I know myself
To be

Time
For me
To stop lying
To everyone around me
About my ability to heal

Because I now know
I can't

Better 10/4/12

I know I'm lost

I don't deny my

Accountability
I don't hide
The evil in me

I feel it there
Every time I'm in
Your arms lately
Like a kind of
Cancer
Just eating away at
My soul

The knowledge that
I'll only complicate you
The belief that
I'm too covered in filth
To be good for anyone

But I sit there silently
I keep my damn mouth shut
I'd tell you anything you
Want to know
Except what
You need to hear

That I'm no good
I am not a lady
I am not whole
I am not clean
I am not someone
You build a life with
You deserve better

I can't undo what
Led me here
But I can do the
Right thing for once
I can make myself
Walk away

Somehow
I'll find a way to
Walk away
Without letting
The loss of you
Kill what's left
Of me

I don't believe in much
But I do believe in you
You can do so much
Better than me

Letters to My Rapist 1... 10/4/12

Do you have any idea
How much I hate you
Right now?
How badly I wish
I had you in front of me
So that I could
Tear you limb from limb
So I could rip the goodness
Out of you
Like you did to me
All those years ago

I've found someone
I know I could love
If I was whole
If you hadn't started
The cracks
That broke me

I wish I had you here
In this moment
I swear I'd rip one
Of these guns off
The wall and
Blow a hole through you
Just like you did to me

Do you know that
When you forced your
Way inside me
You forced out
So much more

You're like poison
In my veins
You pollute everything
You filled me with you
And I'm still trying
To find a way to rip
You out

You contaminate
Every aspect of my life
You've mangled my self respect
My dignity,
You took a child
And turned her into
This seething bitch
You see before you

They say what doesn't kill
You makes you stronger
But I don't feel stronger
I feel bitter
Especially today
Especially now

For Lisa V & Chris V 10/3/12

This is going out to someone

Who's wisdom is beyond time

Who's heart is beyond words

I'd just like to let you know

You started

This reckoning

You opened the

Floodgates 

You stopped me

From taking my own life

And I never found the words

At the time 

To tell you

Thank you

For not giving up

For being the first 

In a very long time

To see me as 

Someone worth saving

And to you Christopher

The brother of my soul

The one who's faith in me

Has never, will never

Waver

No matter how many times

I put it to the test.

You've saved me 

In so many ways

So many times

Because you've taken the 

Place of my conscience

You've shown me what 

It is to love

Without reservation

You've shown me that

No matter the darkness 

That hides inside me

There is someone

Who can see the light

And who can pull it out

(kicking and screaming)

When need be

I miss you both

Help... 10/3/12

Do you have any idea
What you've done to me?
What you've woken up?
Do you know what it's like
To simply not care?
How easy it is to go through
Your every day and just be?
How can you look at me
And not find me wanting?
How can you not see me for
The blood drenched bitch
I know I am
So now
How do I reconcile
Who I know I am
And who I want to be for you?
Here's my problem
I know what hides in the shadows
Of my soul,
The secrets long buried
I also know I could bare all
Tell you everything there is to tell
And you'd still see me the same
You'd still see someone worth
Saving
Someone worth
Something
But I know me
I know that I'd only
Break that faith
Eventually
So here I am
Back to
Terrified
I guess I'm at the point in my head
Where I don't know if I should
Stay
Or run in fear
I know I need help with this
I'm just afraid to tell you
To vocalize my irrationality
To let you see just how
Deeply embedded in me you've become
I know that I'd rather be
Living on the street again
Than showing you this new
Vulnerability

Thoughts 10/3/12

I really don't know what it is
I'm trying to say here
My thoughts are everywhere today
I know I'm trying to come to some
Kind of decision
Some kind of belief in myself
Belief that I can be better than I've
Been before
Belief that I could commit to something
More than a hypodermic solution
To my problems.
But I'm drowning
In my inability to cope
With what I am
And what I know you need
I poison everything I touch
And you're the last person
I'd choose to hurt
I know that I'm not what you need
I know that I'll probably fail
Just as I fail at everything I try
I'm really good at failing
Really good at messing up the people
That mean the most to me
Just ask anyone who thinks they
Know me
I just know that for the past week
My guts have been in knots
I can't breathe
I keep thinking that I won't change
I know I've tried,
But that evil part of me
The one that tries so hard
To pull me back into oblivion
Has been whispering to me in my
Quiet moments...
Begging me to just forget for just
A little while
To just relieve the ache
That your unwavering faith
In me has started.

Scattered 10/03/12

How long

Should I keep my

Silence

How much

Pain 

Can I swallow

Before I become 

Something 

More than

What I am

Before I 

Fall from this 

Shelf 

I put me on

How many lies

Can I choke on

Before they 

Drown me

I've tried to be honest

But no matter how 

Truthful I am

I don't think you

See just how

Dirty I really am

And when you do

When you see me 

As I do,

I believe you'll 

Hate me just as much

Beauty In the Beast 10/3/12

Somehow,
You've seen the beauty
Inside the beast
Beauty I didn't know 
Existed anymore

You see something
Someone I don't
Someone worth saving

But I'm no
Lost maiden
No heroine
No damsel in distress

I put me here
I did this to me
No one else
And I refuse
To bring you down 
With me

You don't belong here
You deserve so much better
Than someone like me
Someone who could be
Whole

Someone who 
Didn't look at themselves
The way I do,
Seeing only the filth
That covers me
Always

Filth and depravity
That I won't 
Inflict on you
You deserve so much more
Than I could ever be