Friday, October 5, 2012

Jason 10/5/12 2:01am

I recently made a comment
To someone close to me
That I believe that I
Died during one of my
Many overdoses
And I'm in hell
Right now
And I think
It's quite possible I'm
More correct in that
Than I originally thought

I think you're part of my penance
I think you were sent to me to show
Me that there were good things
In this world that I missed
And the devil
Is just taunting me
With you
With your goodness
And my lack thereof
And I'm trying desperately to
Cling to the belief that
I'm wrong
That you were put in my
Path for a reason
Perhaps to help me
Save me from me

But these are things
I just confuse myself with
Things I tell myself to
Keep my guts from
Pouring out of me
Every time I'm in your
Presence lately
It seems
I'm just dying
To tell you
How hard it is
Not to spill my
Soul out into your

You didn't come to me that night
For what you got in return
So I won't blame you
I couldn't fault you
When you decide
You've had enough
But you're too much
Of everything I'm not

I know I could pass
Anything into your hands
And you'd make right
What wasn't right to begin
I could let you fix
My fucked up way
Of seeing everything
But I won't let you
I refuse to drag you
Into my hell

I tried so hard
Not to let my heart get
Awakened from it's
Hibernation from life
But you stole in
When I wasn't looking
And showed me
Everything I don't deserve
Do you want anything
Even remotely close
To how badly I want
To be able to call you

But I know better

I deserve to be tormented
This way
To be shown someone I'd
Never imagined I'd
Ever be confronted with
Someone I already
God forgive me,
I already know I'm
In love with
And know with
Every breath I take
That I don't deserve those
Words in return

So here I sit
One more night
Alone with myself
While you sleep
Trying desperately
To stop myself from
Running away
Before I end up
In pieces
Before I end this
Without a needle
Without a drug
It would almost be
Too easy

If this is the devils
Way of showing me
What I've missed
Then I guess I need to
Re-vamp my way of thinking
And I need to come to
Terms with the fact
That I need
To thank him
For taunting me
With the dream
Of you

If this is hell
I don't care
To see

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